I know I am not a frequent flyer in here but I am a lurker...and I dropped down to say my hand is upon your back for comfort, dear one...breathe....there are many of us who ride the waves of PTSD and shatter our boats upon rocky shores....but those shores also reach grassy lines and smoother land...places you have also been before. Get there too...

Thank you all for your support! My hives are a bit better after going back to the doc on Friday and Saturday. I hate it that my body reacts like this to stress.

I am trying to focus on getting better before takling moving and all that, am staying with friends.

Better still today.

Still some hives and that nagging "why do I let myself get so upset?"

Thank you for your suport, it means more to me than I know how to say.

As someone who experiences PTSD symptoms from a single traumatic event, I've found it difficult to find information that relates to my experience or providers that can offer me meaningful insight.

I think the article is really wonderful and I wanted to share it.

It focuses not just on the PTSD experience but talks a lot about "post-traumatic growth". It also talks specifically about women's health and PTSD experience.

/snip
"What can these women teach the rest of us? As researchers learn more about what makes people resilient, they hope to develop therapies that could lessen negative responses and promote post-traumatic growth instead. "It's not about getting over it—it's about processing it in the most meaningful way," Tedeschi says. "You still have your fears and grief and suffering, but you have made your suffering meaningful. If you can learn to do that, you can get through the bad stuff in life and find value in the struggle."
/snip

http://www.self.com/health/2010/12/l...cheating-death

What a great Article Sparkle!

I am surprised that there is not more info on single event PTSD, that seems like the most likely scenario. Maybe right now so much PRSD is war related?

I am doing much better. Went to the beach over the long weekend and meditated had some fun and I am amazed at how much just a couple of days in the sun relaxed my mind.

I have started walking when I feel anxious, which really helps and as I remove things from my life which seem to trigger me, my life seems to get better.

Sending peaceful vibes to all the PTSDers out there!

I'm so glad you're feeling better! Amazing what breathing, moving, sunshine and laughter can do! :)

I think the lack of diagnosis and information about PTSD -- is part & parcel of the shifts in our health care system in America.

Insurance companies are running the show:

*numbers of visits are limited,
*Health centers are having patient's sign disclaimers every time they visit, acknowledging their care may or may not be covered at the whim of their insurance company - this discourages insured people from seeking thorough care and advocating for themselves when a health issue isn't sorted after one visit.

*Primary Care Physicians are encouraged to spend 15min or less with each patient
*and they're rewarded for NOT running tests etc.

If it weren't for my neurologist who was incredibly thorough, I wouldn't have received any quality of care after my accident. He did the job of my PCP, my Spine specialist and explained that some of my symptoms were PTSD related, in addition to his own job.

My PCP didn't even request I visit her after the accident and when I did finally see her - she called me: "SHE of the million dollar tests" in a disparaging tone and in reference to all of the tests my neurologist ordered. (needless to say I "fired" her)

In terms of my PTSD I was very lucky that I already had a good therapist who was able to walk me through the first 6months post accident - when my PTSD was at its highest.

My insurance company calls PTSD a "nervous disorder". :| It does pay for some of my treatment though. And I totally get the doc thing, my (now ex)neurologist called me "little lady" and laughed at the "fancy tests" my urologist ran on me. Yeay. The doctor visit should not be more traumatic than the events that caused the PTSD.

I finally found a great psychiatrist and therapist but I always end up paying for quite a bit of it out of pocket. I am lucky that my insurance pays for part of it.

Sunshine does seem to be the best medicine right now! And staying away from things that trigger me. I have been diagnosed with PTSD for 25 years and it comes and goes based on my life. My goal now is to live as simply and happily as possible and to strive to avoid situations that will stir me up. ...though sometimes I know it hurts people's feelings when I can't participate in some activities or just don't feel well enough.

OK so avoiding situations that stir me up is impossible.

Anyone else suffer from being scared over small things after having major surgery?

I had major surgery over a year ago and am not fully healed and I am scared to death about falling.

Yes, that feeling takes a while to go away, but it will as you heal.

Good cuz I can't stand the feelings I have, I am scared about almost everything.

Got triggered tonight for the first time in a long while. Not terribly triggered but still. triggered. And the weird thing about being triggered for me is that I *cannot* communicate effectively when it happens. I just get rigid. frozen. cold. distant. hostile. And just like it's way easier to spend money than it is to earn it, it's way easier to get triggered than it is to get untriggered. There's really no explaining what's going on. I know well enough that time will help. Pretty much nothing but time helps. And I feel split. Part of me in this dark, silent, awful void - and then this other part just floating above it observing it all go down and waiting for my heart and mind to be a safe place to be again. I know it's a matter of time.

Speaking of which, it's past my bedtime. So time for meditation and hopefully eventually sleep. And tomorrow I hope to feel like me again.

I appreciate someone giving voice to this, Nat. Time and sleep help heal. I hope you get a good sleep tonight.

i wish i'd known about this thread sooner! i've been really struggling with my ptsd lately and have had several severe panic attacks for the first time in years.. it's comforting to know i'm in good company. :)

(((Nat))) I wish I could just sit next to you quietly like you did for me at Reunion. I get the same way. :rrose:

I still have good days and bad...more good right now, but I totally understand. :rrose:

I hope you can find some answers or just come in here and vent. I did not know how to subscribe till recently (hangs head in shame) but do now and will be in more often to discuss or just listen.

We all have days when we just need to be listened to.

Glad we are still here to live another day....even when that seems like the hardest thing to do. :rrose:

It was an important discussion I had with my mom last night. I think it was anyway. Talking about the underbelly of our family. The secrets in the complicated family dynamic as those who have wounded most have become increasingly frail and in need of care. Looking at the most horrible behaviors and how they affected us all either directly or indirectly or both. It was a good conversation - the two of us satellites of an elderly predator and another who was first prey and then preyed on us in different ways. It's like trying to put mismatched puzzle-pieces together. There are no answers I can see.

The hardest thing is that these were the men I've loved the most, depended on the most. And now they both are facing mortality indifferent ways. I love them both and so does she. Love is a hard thing when it's the kind that comes with scars well-formed.

I have learned to turn away from thoughts that cause me to relive the realities that formed my demons. I have figured out that deeper digging retraumatizes and re-wounds. It makes the groove deeper. But sometimes having a deep-down honest conversation about the history we share and the history we don't seems so necessary. But I'm tired of openin up old wounds.

Beautifully said. Some times, Nat, the only thing it seems we can do is love our best in a state of dark silence and to know that the things unsaid, or perhaps the unsaying of them, is the most we can muster - especially when our hearts are like a palimpsest that testifies to a many-layered pain.

Here's to the well-deserved peace that awaits us.

I so get that. The person in my family died 2 years ago and I still struggle to believe he is gone sometimes.

Anything to do with him is very triggery for me.

In trying to find forgiveness I am coming to the realization that the less I delve deeply, the less I flip out. That forgiveness is giving up the hope that my past will change and that really what matters is being present and in the current moment.

That really does not help navigating how to deal with the abusers now I know, but something you all said really resonates...the digging too deep so many times makes it hurt even more.

I always thought that digging really deeply would heal me, but it hasn't.

What a great thread, and I don't know how I didn't see it until now :)

I have PTSD from a single event. I was severely beaten by a person I was in a relationship with and literally left for dead. I am coming up on my 12th year anniversary of surviving this event on Thanksgiving, and there is not a year that doesn't go by that I don't find myself in a"slump" during this holiday. I too have triggers, and with a lot of support and resources, I am able to identify Most of mine. As most of you feel, I am ashamed and feel an overly amount of guilt about what happened. No matter how much I "prepare" myself for the upcoming holiday and remind myself that it is the past, I still feel hopeless and helpless when the time arrives. As apocalipstic has endured, I too, will be broke out in hives before all is said and done.

I have become stronger with time. Having given myself a confidence booster with my profession, teaching myself that I truly am a strong woman. But one thing is for sure, it never will go away. I am blessed with an amazing partner who understands what I have been through and has given me the unconditional love and support to help me get stronger each and every day.

Holidays are so hard. I will be thinking about you!

The hives are the worst, especially when they wont go away for days. Miserable and frightening!

I hope I never have them again. I hope nothing ever triggers me to that extent again, or you either!

So I went to therapy and while we agree I am doing incredibly better, we discussed triggers.

I have really been working on forgiveness and moving on with my life, but I get held up when I tell myself I have forgiven something and let it go, yet my body still reacts. I hate that. I hate that I don't have more control that I can't fiiiinally decide to let something go and it just be gone. You know?

My body still has PTSD and always will. Whatever my brain decides, my body reacts differently.

So in moving forward and getting better there are always glitches that bring everything back. Things that trigger and I am right back where I started. No, not as extreme...but jumpy and hyper vigilant.

I hate that.

Im not a doc...but in learning to survive in a war zone you picked up coping skills like beinh hyper vigilant....back home, at the grocery...not so good. :) Read up on PTsd

Hi,

not ready to really open up honestly don't know if I ever will its just nice to know there are people who do understand though and thank you to those who can. At least I know I am not so alone.

ReDo

The VA has a number of programs for returning veterans from Iraq/Afghanistan. Please go to a VA and check out what is available to you. You live in SoCal and there are several VA Medical Centers down there.

Go to www.va.gov

As a vet I thank you for your service. Now go and take care of yourself. It's the most important thing you can do. PM me anytime and I will be glad to talk to you. There are several of us vets on this website and any of us are here to lend an ear anytime.

edited to add: you can also go to the Vet Center in your area for help in accessing services. Info is available at the va.gov website.

Thought I would repeat this post.

My symptoms are not as severe as they used to be.

I think all of my hair just turned white from shock.
I wouldn't have believed it...if i had not seen it for myself.
OMG:seeingstars:
OMG

I believe i am experiencing that body PTSD

I'm so sorry you're going thru this trauma. Just know that you're not alone. ...darkness lasts thru the night, but joy comes in the morning....prayers for healing on their way to you right now.

Very true. You're not alone at all.

Just focus on breathing. And don't forget to accept love from the people who want to give it to you. We always think of ourselves as wanting/being able to "give" love. It's important to remember that if you close yourself off to receiving love you'll miss out on an important facet of life and of healing.

But then...that's just my opinion.

I am so sorry you are having a hard time. It is hard to believe some of the symptoms and some of the things we can live through.

Sending healing vibes your way!

Great advice!

Breathing is the best place to start. When I am really anxious and in pain, I forget to breathe.

(f)(f)(f)(f)

Love and light to all of us facing PTSD! :candle:

I just had a PTSD meltdown all over my boss and I just lost my job and have to move with ten furbabies alone:( I'm glad the thread was resurrected..So lets look forward to better days and keep the thread rollin with... Good Healing Survival Vibes Folks!:)

Thank you so much for your kind words everybody. When i have more time i will come back and say more. Sorry i worried ya all. I'm much better than when i originally posted. Still kinda shocked a bit. But, my hair isn't totally white either. Just some added grey i suppose.Hang Tough and take care.

Glenn, sending light and healing your way! Small steady steps.

Hi there Starry! :)

DMW, glad you are OK! I totally get the hair thing, my hair fall out in clumps if I ever get sort of upset and it is coming in with lots of gray and white now.

Peace to all of us as we try to navigate life and all the things that trigger us. Sometimes it is so incredibly overwhelming.

(f):candle:(f)

Apocalistic, thank you for putting out that list of possible symptoms. I've never been diagnosed except by a general practitioner in the VA system. She suspected that I had it, but wasn't certain. Mine stems from a single event caused by a family member and my reactions to his actions.
Sometimes I think that it would have been easier on me, emotionally, had I had to deal with the aftermath of an extremely severe mortar attack on my company; one that either killed or wounded most of the company. I'd have been better prepared to deal with that, in a lot of ways, as that was part of the job, in the first place. :(

Because you understand (in a way others may not) the deep seated pain and horror that comes from attacks and losses in the course of one's work, I have the utmost respect for what you've said about a loss of trust from a source closer to home. Thank you for minimizing neither. I've heard people (elsewhere) say one is worse than the other. I think that the abusers of the world enjoy that sort of debate. It always serves to negate certain of their behaviors.

My father (also military) used to tell me that things like patriotism and honor weren't the sole possession of those in the military. I think it was his way of acknowledging that people who didn't choose service to a country as their work or as their method of expressing support for their community/culture were just as likely to feel and experience things typically attributed to military folk. I know that he felt some of my childhood experiences and the resultant PTSD rivaled some of the things he'd seen in more than 2 decades of service. His opinions were validating and that's a requirement in my life, even now. The need for external validation is one of the more debilitating (and humiliating) scars left on me. I am fortunate to know how to work inside that need in a healthy manner --- most of the time. Years later, I still experience periods of panic if I cannot find that input from the people that matter to me. I can think of a particular instance that is present, every day, in my mind right now. It's like a gaping wound that no amount of therapy can heal. Perhaps it is worse because I have had a hand in creating my current circumstances myself.

Your post made me go searching through my mementos for something my father wrote to me when I was in my mid-20s. I'd been engaged in a bout of masochistic, self-destructive behavior after my mum died and I'd been sexually assaulted and he chose to come to my rescue again. In one of his prolific letters, written a month or so after the dust settled, he said,

"Some of the things you've experienced are worse than many men I work with could comprehend. I can't understand it sometimes and I'm the person that saw you as a child, understood what was happening and put a stop to it. The first doctor we took you to was the one that explained it to your mother and I in terms we understood. He told us that shell shocked soldiers go through phases that dictate when they can and cannot tolerate input from the world. He warned us that the triggers come from obvious places or even from nothing obvious at all and that men who were effected would sometimes behave in ways their families did not recognize in order to get away from the pain. He called it "building mazes in the mind". (You have to remember that no one had given PTSD a name yet and it certainly wasn't talked about in children. Even your mother's boss didn't want to hear her reasons for needing time from work because it wasn't "polite".) I was ready for a phase when your mother died and ready too in November. I thought we handled it all pretty well, you and I. If the only further price to pay for all that was lost is a failed term at school, a lost job and a totaled car then I count us lucky. The other costs have been high enough for one small girl. You're alive and that's all I asked God for. That brings us to now. Now you've gone someplac [sic] I won't follow. You're the force behind this phase. This is not PTSD acting alone. This is you and I get to be bloody damned angry at you for abusing my child. Being hurt by others doesn't provide you license to perpetuate the damage that's been done but that's exactly what you're doing. You're abusing yourself by continuing the abuse someone else started and you need to stop it. I don't care for your opinion or how you see it, as long as you do see it. I didn't work hard to save you when you were 6 or 15 or 23 so you could take up the reins and pull against me now at 25. We've been through nearly twenty years of effort together. You and your mother and I, we did good work. You're a better person because of your hard work and I'm a better person because of you. Come home for a tick and find north again. It will take nothing from you to be by me. Choose to stop hurting yourself now. Just stop what you're doing and come home."

I felt respected by him in that moment. He held me capable when I was so willing to believe that I wasn't, so willing to believe that I was worthless and therefore deserved abuse even at my own hand. At a time when I was spiraling out of control my father made me feel like everything I "knew" about my life was real, rather than not, and that I didn't have to be a prisoner to it. I suppose it's the particular curse of survivors -- the way they often struggle to believe that something that's happened to them is real enough to matter, no matter how well it is documented, no matter how many witnesses exist. No matter the proof of internal and (more obvious) external scars, we fight tooth and nail with our own credulity. Why we should doubt ourselves is a peculiar kind of hell and aptly named at that. Doubt makes all things worse. He also reminded me that coming home would "take nothing from [me]" which was a coping "game" he taught me when I was young. To be reminded of that game as an adult was one of the best things that could have happened to me, then and now. I've already played the game in my head today and, though I'd forgotten it (again) some time ago, I'm going to try and play it every day.

I don't know why I'm writing. I've forgotten my point. Sorry.

I might have a thing or two to say about PTSD
 

Spinning, searing with anxiety when I started reading I am reminded that as long as things are improving and progress is being made, I will someday be okay. Thank you! Truly. Deeply. Thank you.

Decisions I am making and need to make are heavy and hard and sad, but I can't stop. I keep getting up and keep on going. I have these little frenzies of self improvement and move forward, then the darkness creaps in, for a while...but each time I see that there is improvement overall. Really slow progress...

On another note..

I get the struggle between different factions in the PTSD community...as it were, but agree....What happened to whom to cause PTSD should not be the focus. Understanding around the symptoms we share helps us all with healing. The symptoms are the same basically, no matter how they got there.

They are always there, just beneath the surface.