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Hearing that JoePa's condition has worsened. :(
JoePa :candle: |
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So....
Over the years, I have had a lover or two allude to the fact that I present a bit more butch than they would like. Frankly it's fucked with my head quite a bit... (Cause in my head I am a lil raggamuffin doll with yarn hair and drooping sox... I don't feel butch at all.) I've been working on it NOT fucking with my head for years.... I think some of the work is working.... So... I'm doing some banquet service for cash until I get a full time job... What does one wear when doing white linen service? You wear a tux... (no vest thank goodness, all those clothes are hot) I generally don't do mirrors, but I needed to make sure my bow tie was correct and my shirt things were not all twisted... I looked into the mirror and saw Short, short, short, hair,round body, andro glasses, tux, no make up.... and I was ok with it... I saw a woman... I don't know if it's just I don't care right now, or if I'm finally comfortable with who I am and have stopped wishing to be a carbon copy of my mom... But it was nice... to see myself dressed like a guy and still feel like a girl... |
Lately, what has been on my mind is all the stops along the way to where I am.
August of 2005 I moved in to my parents house with my two kids. My daughter was almost 3 and my baby son had just turned 1 that June. My husband, I had just found out, had been skimming our paychecks to pay for drugs. He was clean again... and the plan then was to find a new job, then send for us. By October of 2005, I knew I didn't want to go back. I started back to school, and looked for ways to build a new life. I came out that year as a lesbian. I think I was more surprised then anyone. I started my first relationship with a woman that spring. I loved her dearly, and to this day we are still close friends. I lived with her for 2 years, she taught me many things, about myself, and about the new world I found myself in the middle of. Since then there have been a steady stream of wishful possibilities, and all ending with the same result... Wanting me to be someone I wasn't. And in the end I was always too much or not in enough. A year ago, two people came into my life. They became my friends quickly. Friends with a complicated history and obvious feelings for one another. I talked to each as they expressed their doubts of turning to one another again and I watched as they found the balance they didn't find before. What I didn't expect was the jealousy of what they had... not because I didn't have it, but because I wasn't involved in it. I had grown to love them both, and in many ways... that love was stronger then the love of a friend. I said nothing, started dating someone... Someone I shouldn't have. I ignored the red flags about this person, both from my friends, and from my own mind. These two dear friends never left my side, not when I ignored them, accused them, and started to turn away from them... I finally saw what I was allowing to happen, and ended the manipulation I had not seen was there... and again I had back the wonderful friends that were so much more... I kept myself at a distance, but found my feelings growing stronger. Not wanting to spoil the love between my friends or the friendship I had built so strong... It was them who broke the barrier... and once the curtain was drawn... I was amazed to see the space in their happiness where I fit perfectly. Its been more than a month now since my Pirate made me realize that "as you wish" meant "I love you". I have never felt more at peace, or more confident about my life... And not just my relationship. I feel in control and confident in every area of my life. I found balance and joy in this relationship. The three of us, fit perfectly, stronger twisted together, then any of us could ever be alone. |
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i love u so much....we both do...and we're never leaving your side.....we will always be family....and you deserve every bit of happiness you found....the past made you stronger....i'll embrace every moment we share with gratitude...true love...and hope for the future we will build together.....YOU are amazing...thank you so much for the love ...and support you have given us in the last year.....you're worth it all.... |
Hoping all those in the storm path are safe.
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Is it February 16 yet?
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just a lot of random little thoughts.....about time...family....doctor appts....wishing i could go shopping with you both at the moment....how intense this book is....and that i might need chocolate by the end of the night....
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..and of course....how it would feel to have your hand in mine...that thought has stayed all day...
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Thinking about all the kids in the program I work for, my son and his half brother that all suffer from abandonment issues... I wonder if my son and his brother can ever get past what their father did and how he dumped them for his selfish agenda... young kids are so impressionable. Every day I take care of kids that make an impression on me... I share hope with them and let them know that they are not alone... I remind myself that I'm in it for the kids....
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Remember: Cell Phone Numbers Go Public this month.
REMINDER..... all cell phone numbers are being released to telemarketing companies and you will start to receive sales calls. .... YOU WILL BE CHARGED (from your minutes) FOR THESE CALLS To prevent this, call the following number from your cell phone: 888-382-1222. It is the National DO NOT CALL list It will only take a minute of your time.. It blocks your number for five years. You must call from the cell phone or home phone number you want to have blocked. You cannot call from a different phone number. |
Lately, I find myself going to bed thinking, and thinking while I'm lying there and then I get up when the alarm goes of, still thinking. I have no idea if I actually slept or not.
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hmm .... today I found very small lump in my breast and I have a little pain in my armpit . I am sitting here and I know , right now I can't tell my son and his family . We just have been trough a traumatic situation and they would go crazy , chase me to a doctor and I am sick and tired of doctors since my health haven't been so good for the past two years .
I know this sounds selfish , since I have grandchildren and I would love to be in they lives , it could be really nothing, so I will just monitor , keep my mouth shot and see . Back in 90's I used to go to help on oncology unit, since I am certified to hang a chemo and back then I promised myself, I wouldn't go through radiation or chemo. It was really sad , emotional when you get attached to patients and they passed . As I said , call me crazy , but I am firm believer after all my life in medical field when it's your time to go , you will no matter where are you or what you are doing . I couldn't post this on the Czech boards or tell my friends, because they would act the same and I am not going to a doctor . I can't even think to have other surgery . So , right now it's not big deal and I will see . thank you for reading my post , it feels like I needed to get it out somewhere . Vlasta |
Wednesday, January 25, 2012 (dailyhoroscope.com)
Sagittarius: Although you are often restless at work and in love, you may want to have quiet time away from the maddening crowds today. However, the Moon's visit to your 4th House of Home and Family might not be sufficient to completely take your mind off the greater world of possibilities. Although you like the idea of pulling back socially now, you aren't eager to isolate yourself or alienate others. Acknowledging that your current dilemma is temporarily irresolvable enables you to enjoy your day for what it is.
... so what I just heard the universe say was: "Accept and embrace the discomfort that is life. PS Have a nice day." *laughs* |
A lot of things really, just some random thoughts, realizations you name it...
Things go on sometimes that we aren't even aware of until it slaps us in the face. I have learned to let go of the things that I cannot control, and concentrate on me. 2012 is supposed to be a year for change.. I am going to embrace these changes and surround myself with positive energy. I have made a lot of mistakes over the past year, trusting in people I shouldn't have, not saying no or enough when I should have, I have experienced things I would rather not have to go through again. So this year I am going to let go, I am going to work on bettering things for myself and my family and I am not going to allow anyone to drag me down or pull me into their drama. I am going to live my life as positive and as authentic as I can and not worry about the past, It is done and it cannot be changed. I have to live for today, tomorrow and the future. :rrose: |
Pinky: "Gee, Brain, what do you want to do today?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every day, Pinky—try to take over the world!" |
How good it feels to be up outta bed...
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I've done alot of thinking about things that have happened over the past two weeks, from starting to lose weight to losing 10 lbs in almost two weeks to losing two supposed friends who decided they would stab me in the back. Its taken me awhile to finally realize that I cannot control everything or change things that are not able to be changed, so my attitude is that right now its my time to shine and those who do not fit into my life need not be there. Going to the gym and losing those 10 lbs already are showing me that if I put my mind to things I can do anything that I want to, and to never doubt what I can do - I can do anything, I've just gotta do them.
Reading the post that my friend smouldering made earlier really hit a chord with me - I've always put everyone first and worried more about them than I did about me which is a big reason why I am the way that I am. I've made more mistakes in my life than I can count and I'm not nearly perfect, but I'm only human and I will make mistakes for as long as I am here. I am learning to accept my flaws and realize that the mistakes that I make will only make me stronger in the end - I am not responsible for what other people think of me, I am only responsible for how I think of myself. Others opinion of me are theirs and theirs alone, I can't change that but I can change how I think of myself and be more positive about myself. I've learned alot about myself in 2 to 3 months of soul searching, and especially these last two weeks through everything that I've had to deal with. I can finally look in the mirror and see someone that I am becoming proud of; I'm seeing someone who is taking responsibility for her actions and becoming a healthier human being. I'm alot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for and even though it took almost 32 years to figure all of this out, there is obviously a reason for it and I will embrace that proudly. This is my year to truly break out of my shell and create my own life, its about time and I know now that I can do it where as before I had the belief that I couldn't do it ......... see how much you can learn about yourself in such a short time? :D |
All the stuff I need to do today! Ugh!
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I was highly recommended by the manager of the Disabled Arts Studio to a facility that cares for the terminally ill. The facility was eager to meet with me from the recommendation and after chatting with me on the phone.
Both the manager and I were open and upfront about my SB. At the meeting today it was obvious that they hadn’t paid any notice to this and were a little taken aback by it….I’ve never let it stop me from living my life. I also faced, to a slightly lesser degree, discrimination because I’m a BBW. This niggled me because many of the staff there were also BBWs! I was asked where I bought my clothes; they all said how they would like to wear more elegant clothing….I explained that I make most of my own clothes. That didn’t appear to go down well! At the end of the meeting, I was told that I’m: “Perhaps too overly qualified for the position and they didn’t want me getting bored there!” My motivation would have been encouraging the patients in their Arts and Crafts activities and seeing them enjoying themselves as they create things for their loved ones. In the 12 years I’ve been volunteering as an Arts Co-ordinator, I’ve never been bored, yet, I’ve always loved seeing the artworks created and spending time with the people. So much for them being an equal opportunities employer! The hypocrisy was blatant! |
what i am always thinking of...you...us...all of us together.....
the little things i have to do... the big things i have to do so i can see you..... unconditional love..... holding your hand just as im now holding hers... weekends with movies and cuddles with the kids in bed.... reading time together...... i now need a new book... what to make for dinner.....and how your day has been/appt has gone.... how long it will take our little one to make a list from the flyers .... *smiles* ...how ...over this last yr...for the first time in a really really long time...ive felt alive....sure....loved....accepted....embraced.... ..ready... |
Today I was reminded that some people really aren't capable of being decent human beings. They can pretend politeness if they're trying to get something from you, and that's the extent of their capacity for decency. As soon as they get what they want they revert back to their pattern of belittling your intelligence and general f#ckwaddery. Thank you Universe for that reminder. :)
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valentines day.....and how special it is this year....not that every other day isnt just as wonderful....but its def a first...
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My mind on my money and my money on my mind ...
Counting down the days to potential unemployment made me nauseous today. 5 months. 10 pay days. Just 10 pay days left to try to pay off all of my debt and figure out what the hell I'm going to do with my life.... My mind started to spin a little mantra that went something like this: ohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakoh frakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfr akohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrak ohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakoh frakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfr akohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrak ohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakoh frakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfr akohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrak ohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakoh frakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrakohfr akohfrakohfrakohfrakohfrak................
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are you just with me to be with a woman?? is it just sex? or do you really want to be with ME??
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there is a reason for everything and I just need to let go. Stop looking for it and just accept it :)
like the quote says it is what it is |
The custom car show comes to town tonite. I love those muscle cars of yester-year. I enjoy this more than the auto show.
Want to talk about being *out of place?* oh well. |
Breathe ....relax.... breathe ....relax.... chant to self " you will make it through today
...you will make it through today...".... damn I hate yearly employment evals.... breathe .... relax.... breathe ... before passing out from turning blue ... On another note... it's a beautiful sunny day and I can't wait to blow outa this place! |
selling photos.... gonna get busy with it again.
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Why is it that when you do FINALLY find a job, you get a bunch of other places trying to give you a job, which you already now have? WTH!!!!
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Sagittarius: You might get so excited about breaking out of your normal routine today that you completely forget about fulfilling a previous promise. Take time to quiet your mind so you can hear the meaningful message that's coming from your subconscious. Don't be so cavalier that you disregard the symbolism of a dream or fantasy. Everything that enters your awareness now contains clues about your life's purpose. In the realm of love, dreams aren't just romantic flights of fancy, they can hold important clues today. Pay attention to the messages you get from your hidden realm now.
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What is on my mind is meditation, so there isn't so much on my mind lol
La de da!! |
A situation that happened to me yesterday. As a single mother of two over the years, i fell into a rut. i didn't work, i was on the system, & life was difficult back then. Finding my way OUT of that rut, was even harder. But i DID it! Today, i work full-time, and am pulling my life together more & more each day. i feel blessed, & life is good.. i still don't have much, but i love & appreciate the things i have as though they're the most precious treasures in this world.. i'm always grateful, everyday! Yesterday, i got upset - SO upset.. As an honest woman who's made so many changes to her life, to pull herself up (without ANY encouragement or help from the system) - i want to pay it forward and help women in poverty, but also i need to pursue what made me angry, because it simply isn't fair. They really pick on the wrong people, just sayin'.. i was simply a single mother of two, who was trying to feed her children each month and maintain a warm place to live.. We didn't have a lot, and i didn't ask for much.. And i did everything fair & honest .. This was a mistake of a case worker, but regardless of who's fault it was, it's me who pays.. & dearly at that. i'm really disappointed & doing what they want of me - but i am working on a way to make this change... Something needs to change for someone one day in the future ! |
bedtime...and hearing your voice
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Since everyone was thinking I am crazy , lump it's gone . I have been slacking on my estrogen and started back on . I have a fibrocystic breast anyway , so it was just flare from lack of not taking my medication . I am happy I didn't riled up my family and friends . I am sick of my own drama rama things . It seems to me one thing ends and something else it's coming through my door . |
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My *lump* dissolved during the biopsy, but up until that point it scared me greatly :( |
....lots of little things....vday...budgets....errands to run....what to do first.....you....us...family...laughter....holding you tight....coffee.....cleaning.....spending time with our little one.....all of the little things we wanna do.....all of the things we WILL do *smiles* ....your scent.....the kids funny faces....big changes....dr. appts ....our date night...
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those 3 words...
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How much i love old typewriters
I saw one somehwhat old today and i remembered an old Royal that I got to play with for a while, coolest piece of machinery ever. |
It be really nice to find a down to earth Femme. Someone who's sweet, kind and just an all around nice person. :)
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