:)

One of the things that most helps me is the love of pets. They never question me, or tell me I should chill or that I am being ridiculous. They love me no matter what.

They know when I am upset. They lick my tears away.

I don't think you should focus on having a diagnosis. I think you should focus on how you feel. That's more important. Really, it is. Chances are you'll have an experience one day that will trigger your feelings and someone will say "aren't you over that yet? it happened so long ago."

Feel free to laugh in their faces. (It makes it easier not to slap them.)

And don't forget to breathe.

Trying to breathe...needing to put this somewhere. Shock and trauma and incoming information ...again...wouldn't have believed it...if i had not seen it with my own eyes. :seeingstars:
So sad. Liars. So sad. you know my chest gets so tight and it cramps up. i feel like an animal in a cage . And a betrayed animal in a cage, at that.
Why do i insist on always seeing the good in people...even, i guess, to my own
detriment. My own sacrifice. No more lamb chops for me. no more
Let the lion out of the cage man.




I agree about the pets Apocalipstic...i just lost 2 and that sucks. i wish i had em now.
ok, you can feel sorry for me on that note.

I just had the hardest conversation of my life. I don't know where to go from here. All I can see is down.

Remember the first time someone negated what happened to you? Remember what it felt like when someone you loved more than breathing told you that you were exaggerating or making something up or denied suddenly that it happened? Remember the leaving your body feeling as the experience rushed back to you?

My body feels numb. I feel like I'm going to pass out. And right now all I can think is "It's my fault. This is my fault. It's always going to be my fault." No pity. No emotion. I don't feel a single emotion. My head is just spinning. It's like someone took a chain saw to reality, chewed it into tiny little pieces, and then fed it to me like I was a little kid who refused to eat her green beans, saying the whole time, "Now you know that's not what happened. You know you're exaggerating. You know you're making that up. Why do you have to lie? I can't trust you if you lie. Shame on you. I'm so disappointed. I don't think I can ever trust you again."

Why has reality shifted? Why am I being told that it didn't happen? We've talked twice about the fact that it did. Is it because we view the circumstances differently? Is it because my wording is offensive to you? Is it because I'm less than you? Do you see nothing when you look at me? Are you finally willing to acknowledge that you think me the worthless piece of garbage I always suspected you did? I mean, why hold back? Right? It's too late to hold back now. If I'm the enemy, then you're safe. If it's all on me, you never have to think of me in positive terms again. You get to negate everything I did or said or felt. Just because you didn't like the word I used to describe my experience.

It's so...insane.

Come with me Folks to Ever Calm Cottage...it is a real place where rose bushes line the walk leading to the door...where a soft pillowy sofa is waiting ...a pretty little table with laced cloth..windows and green grass.. everywhere...looking out onto a peaceful lake... always so peaceful...

@ Girl Friday It is NOT your fault! hugs hang in there

I am finding that there are people and things that trigger me, and to be able to fuction and go to work every day and do the things I need to do to take care of me, I have to avoid many of those things and people.

I want to please everyone, I do. I want everyone to know the truth, my truth, but most people can't handle it...they just look at me aghast if I am so inapropriate as to answer in truth to their prying questions...or they don't believe me, even if they were near and knew all along.

I think when they know they did nothing to help it makes it easier for them to sleep at night if they rewrite history for themselves.

Peace is fixing my vaccume cleaner on a Saturday alone with no loud noises, yelling, pressure. I never expected this.

that smiley face on my previous post was supposed to go next to the note about the kitties. i wasn't smiling when i posted. that is for sure.

Apocolipstic...sounds like good advice... avoid the people and places and things that trigger the ptsd. thank you for that suggestion.

It sucks but not as bad as loosing my shit.

what sucks? avoiding the people,places and things...in order not to lose your shit?


or losing your shit and the animals?



cause i lost most of my shit and my shit and my kitties...so, i think it all sucks all around.


i am confused....but, i bet you mean losing your handle or grasp in the crappy situations...yeah, it is hard. i think just recognizing i am having
physical reactions to trauma and drama and need help is a start.

i mean, this i real shit here. i don't think you can fake it and i sure as hell
have a hard time ignoring it or pretending its not happening. it is as though,
i have lost the ability to be calm sometimes. i don't like that. too many stress hormones or my command center is worn out and it is...ground control to major tom...houston...we have a problem.



i love that... "ground control to major tom"... "your circuits dead. there's something wrong. can you hear me major tom? can you hear me major tom"
never thought i would feel that way when i heard the song before. even in concert.
never would have imagined it...but, i do. so, what now ground control.?what now?
can i get a circuit fix? and a fried nerves fixed? and feel 20 years younger...heheheheh

seriously,
I don't know how some of the people on here survived it for so many years.
I feel for them, because i think it takes a toll on a person.
All my respect.

hang in there...those who are struggling to breathe

*triggery*
 

Sorry, I should have been more clear. :)

By loosing my shit, I mean melting down, or yes loosing my grasp and my handle on things. I have to be able to function.

I have to be very very careful because my body reacts violently to things I think I can handle just fine...but can't and maybe never will.

Loosing things and money is hard, but its just things. Loosing kitties is heartbreaking. I think of them still with me in my mind. When I was little I had imaginary kitties that went everywhere with me, even though my parents hated cats and my father killed kittens. I left my invisible ones on a helicopter in NY and never found them again. I looked and looked. I am still somehow so sad about it.

I don't think any of us are faking, no matter when people think. No matter if they tell me I am using my past as an excuse. I try not to be angry when someone says something like that and just be glad they really don't know how PTSD is and hope they never ever know.

I think my body can't handle bursts of adrenaline any more. Fear, anger, even though I take medication, if I get upset my body reacts. Even on anniversary dates of great stresses, my body knows even if my brain has forgotten.

Things that help for me? Walks, acupuncture, reading, Oprah's life lessons on her new channel OWN, Course in Miracles, candles, prayer, music, dancing, writing, getting plenty of rest even if I can't actually sleep.


I very much relate to Major Tom and also to The Wall (Pink Floyd). Sometimes I am so close, I can't listen to them.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in love, breathe out fear.

The Thin Ice-Pink Floyd
 

If you should go skating
On the thin ice of modern life
Dragging behind you the silent reproach
Of a million tear-stained eyes
Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice
Appears under your feet.
You slip out of your depth and out of your mind
With your fear flowing out behind you
As you claw the thin ice

I'm just stopping by to say thank you to everyone for being so honest and so open about their experiences. Thank you also for reminding me that everyone has a breaking point and sometimes the breaking point can rob a person of their sanity.

When I was younger and having a moment when I was spiraling downward, my dad used to tell me to come home for a visit. He called it "finding north". At about 3:30 yesterday morning I realized that a recent and significant loss in my personal life equates to the loss of my compass. In short, I'm not sure where north is anymore. So...I'm going to go hang out with that concept and hope that things change. It can't fix what went wrong, but it will prevent further harm.

Take care everyone. Don't forget to breathe.

Hello
 

I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until two years ago. There are so many things that I've been through, some of my own doing, that sometimes it amazes me that I can crawl out of bed in the mornings.

I'm not going into great detail here, I'd rather not relive the details.

Molested at age 5, neighbor boy.
Molested at age 7, brother (I have to say here, that what happened with my brother, would probably have not even registered, if not for the previous abuse)
Molested at age 9, female cousin
Molested at age 10, elementery school janitor.


The first happened in the dark basement of an abandoned house, our old house. Daddy had built us a new one.
Home no longer felt safe for me. I became terrified of the dark.

The second happened in our new home.
No where felt safe to me, except my woods.

The third happened in my woods.
I was devastated.

The fourth took place over a two week period in the basement of my elementery school.
I had no where to go. He had his daughter call my house and ask for me, then he would get on the phone and just breathe. He was a very heavy man, bald, smelly.
I became perpetually terrified that he would kill my parents and siblings and take me away. A threat he made often.

Of all the incidents, I recall each one in vivid detail. Except, I never remembered what happened in that school basement. I remember him meeting me at the top of the stairs, touching my ass as we walked down those stairs. This happened every day for two weeks. My next clear memory, on each day, was walking up the driveway, crying. My mother, after two weeks, threatened to spank me if I didn't tell her what was wrong. I did. It stopped.


As an adult, I have been raped, by a woman. I have been whipped, beaten, kicked, bitten, burned, punched, flailed and chained.

There are triggers, that can send me into panic mode. The scent of an overweight man. The sound of his breathing. Being approached by someone from behind. Darkness. Basements. The scent of a cigarette. I never know what will trigger me, but the reaction is always the same.

A sick, twisted, vulnerable, churning of my stomach, a need to self harm, a need to rid myself of that memory, that feeling.

Tonight, in the chat room, I was triggered. Nothing happend that was bad, or wrong. Nothing was said that could possibly be thought of as sick or twisted. But just the same. I felt a need to scream, to cut my skin so that the crawling bugs sensation on it would stop. A nausea, and a NEED to scream out NO! Stop!

I hate being triggered. Something else was triggered as well.

In my last relationship, because my partner was not yet ready to "settle down", I was not permitted to openly show a sexual/or even intellectual interest in her, in or on any public forum. Once, I misposted on her myspace, and her reaction was over the top. She screamed at me, ranted at me, made me apologize to her "toy" (her word) of the day who was so hurt by my comment. Made me go delete the comment from her myspace. The relationship was IRL and she made me feel like nothing, over an online comment.

Tonight, I posted something that was meant to be private, on someone's visitor board. When I realized I did it, I started crying. I immediately tried to do "damage" control. I worried and was, quite literally, a basket case.

Until I realized what I was doing, and why. While the post was definitely not supposed to be seen by anyone but the person I posted too, it was not something that would cause an uproar.

I was allowing my past, to project my ex's abusive behavior, onto someone else. Not fair to her, or me. I am still sitting here, nauseous, but at least I recognize it for what it is. I've been "triggered."

Anyone else out there, that deals with this kind of thing? Most of my triggers have been physical... scent, darkness, sound... but this was purely psychological.

If not for my faith and belief in God, I would have long since gone off the deep end.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Lissa

:rrose: Sorry it has taken me so long to post back. I have been and am very very anxious.

I totally get the trigger thing. It can indeed happen when we least expect it. A smell, a song a word and I am undone.

I hate the nausea I feel when I am upset..the burning in my head and ears. How sound pulsates in my head. How I have stims that irritate people I am around.

I have a lot of psychological triggers. Some so bad I hit my head for them to stop. I am learning to set boundaries and just do what I can....if I post something wrong or say the wrong thing I am learning to just let it go and mostly I can...but sometimes out of the blue I just freak and I am a scared little girl again.

Like you, I think the details are not the important thing. How we get through our lives is what matters.

Today I am so anxious, triggered by someone wanting to fix me up with their friend. I don't want to go out with someone I don't know, especially with expectation of sex. HUGE trigger. My brain is on fire. I hate this. I want to be the me people see. Fun and bright and free of the past and pain and the desire to chop myself into little pieces.

Peace to you Lissa! :rrose::rrose::rrose::rrose:

One more thing.

My therapist told me that predators can tell if a person has a past of abuse and they are drawn to us.

Stay safe. :rrose:

“When you're born a light is switched on, a light which shines up through your life. As you get older the light still reaches you, sparkling as it comes up through your memories. And if you're lucky as you travel forward through time, you'll bring the whole of yourself along with you, gathering your skirts and leaving nothing behind, nothing to obscure the light. But if a Bad Thing happens part of you is seared into place, and trapped for ever at that time. The rest of you moves onward, dealing with all the todays and tomorrows, but something, some part of you, is left behind. That part blocks the light, colours the rest of your life, but worse than that, it's alive. Trapped for ever at that moment, and alone in the dark, that part of you is still alive.”
― Michael Marshall Smith, Only Forward

This is so true, and every single time you think about it, it hurts as much as if it happened just yesterday.

Remember that there will be fireworks and lots of loud sudden noises the next few days.

I have to remind myself its fireworks, not guns.

The air show is happening here and i live right near the lake. One jet flew so low over my house while I got my mail that the ground shook, the sound was nerve shattering, and I could see everything under it. I had an immediate bowel movement right in my driveway, and am still emoting. It reminded me of that hot night my family and i sat on our porch, when suddenly we were looking under a nose diving plane that crashed only a couple of blocks away just missing the house.

I hope today is better Glenn!

The fireworks always sound like bombs and guns to me. It's been 36 years since I have been a round bombs and machine guns firing, but unless I am mentally prepared it takes me right back.

hey y'all. i keep admiring this thread from afar, trying to decide what to post. so, hi, i'm here :)

i feel lucky because i only had to deal with a small amount of fireworks noise last night. i'm not sure why...this is the first place i've ever lived where it wasn't wild and crazy. i hope everyone's doing okay today. *hugs*

Thank you Aishah!

I actually went to see fireworks with friends. We sat farther away than most people and I made sure I was calm and centered before we went. I made myself very aware of the fact it was fireworks.

It it had been sudden and I had not been prepared I would have freaked.

I am trying to get out a bit more and participate in life. Preparation really seems to make a difference for me.

PTSD, the gift that keeps in giving.

I'm looking at it as a gift because it is forcing me to take better care of the me inside, to make sure she feels safe.

We never know when it is going to kick in, blindside, trigger.

In the most unexpected moment, we can freeze, "over-react", jump, withdraw.

Sometimes we have no idea what even happened or why.

Have any of you heard about this project at UNC Charlotte?

Posttraumatic Growth Research Group

http://ptgi.uncc.edu/

Thanks for this thread.

I also have chronic PTSD, going on a bit over 20 years now. I have found some ways to cope, however it still effects me daily.

I am not comfortable posting about it right now, but I am thankful to see I am not alone in this.

Interesting article in the New York Times. Animal experiments with this gene seem to indicate that those who have it are less likely to become addicted to drugs, and that they recover more quickly and easily from psychological/emotional trauma.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/08/op...good-gene.html

"CHANCES are that everyone on this planet has experienced anxiety, that distinct sense of unease and foreboding.

Most of us probably assume that anxiety always has a psychological trigger.

Yet clinicians have long known that there are plenty of people who experience anxiety in the absence of any danger or stress and haven’t a clue why they feel distressed. Despite years of psychotherapy, many experience little or no relief. It’s as if they suffer from a mental state that has no psychological origin or meaning, a notion that would seem heretical to many therapists, particularly psychoanalysts...."

Symptoms of PTSD can include:

• Hypervigilance and scanning Yes
• Elevated startle response No
• Blunted affect, psychic numbing Yes
• Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) Yes,but less so these days
• Interruption of memory and concentration Yes
• Depression Yes,taking meds for it
• Generalized anxietyYes,just less these days
• Violent eruptions of rage No,not these days
• Substance abuse No
• Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety Yes
• Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks Yes
• Insomnia Yes
• Suicidal ideation Yes
• Survivor guilt Yes

Thoughts?

Now what?

I have a lot of that going on with me, most of it actually. I have PTSD, anxiety, can't handle stress,severe depression, and night terror dreams. I take meds for anxiety and depression, and my doctor wants me to try a drug that's been found useful for my night terror dreams. But my primary care physician says nope, I can't take it because of my high blood pressure medication. She wants me to find something else that can help me. Short of just living with broken sleep all the time from the night terror dreams, there is no other treatment for them. I take meds to help me fall asleep, because without it, I can't shut my brain off to do that.
I typically get maybe 4 to 5 hours of broken sleep a night. When the night terrors start , i wake up constantly and it's one dream after another when I fall back to sleep after a while of being up.

I sleep,just not regular hours.I have learned to recognize the signs in me and that is when I need to be left alone and think it through.This is not going to make much sense to some,but when i'm good,i'm really good..and when i'm bad,i'm really bad.I've lived with it most of my life...doctors couldn't help,most meds did not work.I don't like stress,but if it gets too much,i'll jump in my van and drive...and how far i drive depends on how much stress is in my life.Flashbacks can be troublesome,there are some memories i don't wish to relive...i have a good productive life and i'm mostly a positive person.I know how to deal with my illness...and that is being alone.I do know that is not for everyone,being alone i mean,so i encourage others to seek help if it gets to be too much.

I should not have ended my post with now what?.

Stress is a huge trigger for me. Stress, feeling out of control, and lack of sleep are often the perfect storm for PTSD triggers. It's less so about the flashbacks and more so about the emotional vomit that'll come up at the shittiest times. Today my anxiety has bee horrid. My emotional support dog got into the trash and ate a bunch of pads (gross!) and although she's still pooping, I'm terrified that she has a stomach blockage and will have to go in for surgery and will die (she's an old pup - 15 years old). I'm angry at myself for forgetting that I left the bathroom door open during our week long vacation and forgot to close it before my spouse and I went out. ...I'm terrified I've killed my baby. ....it's not a good feeling.

I just found your thread tonight, my Sister Femme Friend, and I'm going to spend some time reading it. I was recently diagnosed with a severe case of PTSD, which is scary to me because I've never had PTSD in my life, up until recently. Last fall, I began to have serious anxiety attacks. Sometimes I would be so filled with rage that it would literally leave me blind, staring into a field of stars in my vision and then turn to an expansive field of white nothingness... leaving me numb, paralyzed with fear, choking the air from my lungs. I am hypervigilant, more so now than ever. I worry for my own personal safety more than most people might. I am reduced to tears easily; but at the same time, I also have an uncanny ability to control myself by not taking the bait? If that makes sense at all. I don't sleep well. My rest cycles are impeded by panic attacks that seize me out of nowhere, but usually precipitated by an event of massive emotional upheaval, whereby my feelings and emotions might not come out but more delayed or even stranger to me, I feel affected by bluntness, an numb-like affect. My memory is not as sharp as it once was. I feel like my memory is disrupted, displaced, like it won't come back to me like it used to be; but it's not an overall memory issue. It's like it only affects particular parts of my ability to remember or short term memory disorder? I don't know, but I do see a therapist weekly now, and have been going since last fall.

I have had a rough time of it, the past few weeks, due to stressors I have no control over, right now. I'm moving, after not having moved for nearly 11 years, so I imagine the high anxiety I feel about moving amplifies my PTSD. But I also have other things going down in my life right now that is not so nice and it also amplifies and triggers my case of PTSD.

I am massively affected by survivor's guilt, too. I most likely have some form of depression too, but my therapist hasn't really said if I do or not. But I'm guessing I do.

But seeing my therapist is the best decision I ever made for myself and I'm sticking with therapy until I can better mitigate on my own behalf. I needed help, and I'm glad I reached out for it.

Thanks so much for your forum thread on PTSD, Apocalipstic. :rrose:

tomorrow will be my 5th therapy session and we still have not gotten through the whole list of my traumas. I have had PTSD since the 8th grade (homophobic bullying) and since then there has been maternal bullying, mean girl bullying, paternal covert incest, 4 batterers, 2 rapists, 1 road rage assault, two gunpoint robberies, and 1 narcissist fiancee who took me for 15k.

I sought therapy this year due to reemergence of dissociative symptoms following multiple incidents of workplace bullying by a board member and one incident of closed-door illegal electoral coercion by the mayor.

We have not gotten to 3 of the batterers or the covert incest.

I have severe cPTSD and relate to pretty much all the symptoms listed. I have a laundry list of traumas in my life that I'm not comfortable listing here, but my therapist and I are just beginning to scratch the surface. I'm starting to talk about my memories specifically which I have never done before.

My therapist does EMDR, which is supposed to be really good for reintegration of traumatic memories. I've done it once with something smaller than a major trauma to test it out and I found it very helpful. I am hopeful for the first time in my life that I will be able to deal with my traumas.

I've really been struggling lately with sleep and nightmares, dissociation, anxiety attacks, and some major depression due to some family triggers. I'm trying to be gentle with myself.

Solidarity to everyone struggling with PTSD.

I was Diagnosed with PTSD in Aug 2013 by a welfare worker,after a suicide attempt,a week before coming to the USA to see my GF in LA.
on my return I went to the PTSD clinic here,a specialist unit,I ticked all boxes,I felt I had lost my mind,sadaly my r'ship ended,as travel in that condition was crazy,but I had no idea,I was diagnosed with depression,bipolar or whatever for years and seeing shrinks from 2 years old.
In 2014 I started seeing a specilast in PTSD in Sydney,1 of only 3 in Syd reccomended by Westmead PTSD clinic

Sad as it is,I finally found out, what I had,turns out I have C PTSD from early childhood trauma,my mother a malignant narcissist.
But I finally had an answer on why most my life I had had some crazy behavour,drugs,drinking,fighting only ever with men,was like I couldnt feel pain,anything to escape.

Through my therapist,I learnt CBT,"Cognitive Behavoural Therapy"I also learnt that they really dont know much about CPTSD,they understand PTSD more,CPTSD is still in early discovery.

I learnt the Trauma was in the brain stem the old part of the brain,the Flight or fight and that I needed to learn, to activate the frontal lobes of my brain,through doing things I enjoy,my main thing is music and my dog Scout.

I also moved to a warmer climate and I love gardening and exercise helps as well.

BUT my BIG one,NO FAMILY they trigger me and I now see them all, as an accident of DNA.

If your CPTSD is from a narcissist in the family, usually there is not just one in a family,but several,I'm Irish catholic so theres lots of us,but ive always been an outsider,theres only one way to deal with narcs,"no contact"

Of course its horrible to have this and know it was done to me,"early childhood symptoms are bedwetting and speech impedement,I had both as a child.

But knowledge is power,I dont have r'ships no more,coz I seem to numb out and I get scared and run,I hurt people,I hurt me too,I did love my ex.
So its better to be a bit of a hermit,and be careful who I let in

Sad thing is,I say I trust people,truth is I only trust myself,its all I have ever had,is me.

thanks for this thread,its like a coming out of the closet,no not a closet a cell.

This is an interesting discussion for me. I've had many PTSD symptoms from my earliest memories, but I never self identified as having this disorder. I used to have very obvious symptoms, but I became aware in my early 20s that I was freaking other people out with my 'thousand mile stare', for instance. And my obvious hyper vigilance, among other things. I worked super hard to control all the symptoms that another person might notice because I somehow thought that was the best way for me to move forward and function well.

I left my family early and broke off most contact, devised a plan to make my life work, and I stuck to it. I chose the seemingly most well socialized people I knew and I carefully watched what they did, and how they reacted in all life situations. Then I tried my best to mimic them. It was easy enough to train myself out of some of what I called my 'bad habits', but some behaviors were very well entrenched. Why wouldn't they be? They had saved my life at a time when I was endangered, so it felt/feels alarming to part with them. Like others here, my mother was a narcissist and my family was profoundly disfunctional. I survived several different forms of abuse. When I exploded out into the world as a teenager I had NO IDEA how to act right. Knowing that about myself was precious.

I didn't have many people in my childhood from whom I could model behaviour, so I worked like a dog to learn how to act right as a young adult. It's a LOT harder to get it right as an adult! It's like trying to learn another language. It comes naturally to us as kids, but it's rare to become fluent when you learn late. To this day I continue to look to others to model back to me whether or not I'm running off the rails. I really thought that was how to get 'er done. Even though it's supposed to be an autonomous response, I learned how to short circuit the 'thousand mile stare'. I learned how to talk myself down from anxiety spirals. I now understand that an exclusive behaviour modification approach was/is good for some things, but not so much for others.

Since I'm often making quick and accurate assessments of others in order to determine their suitability/safety for modeling behaviors, I find myself knowing things about them that they've never told me. Sometimes it's way too easy to read them. My closest friend has often found it stunning that I might know so much about people who haven't disclosed their history to me. One day that same very close friend said something to me about "Your PTSD symptoms..." Even though we were speaking on the phone at the time, I actually looked over both shoulders to see who she was talking about! And then it dawned on me that SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME!! She said it so matter-of-factly, like saying 'your calico cat'. Wow. It had never occurred to me to put myself in that category. Of course I had PTSD! How had it never crossed my mind? I can laugh at myself now, but it was an... interesting moment at the time.

I had sought therapy a few times over the years, but never found an effective one. As it happens, I was seeing a therapist when I had that revelatory conversation with my friend about PTSD. I told her about it and the therapist said that, yes, of course I had PTSD. Why had she never mentioned it? Because it was so freaking obvious that she thought it didn't need mentioning!!!

Well, now that that's all settled, I can see my own life in a clearer, more forgiving way. I'm grateful for the passage of time which really does blunt trauma. I still react strangely at times. I still get those symptoms, but everything is easier now that I'm so much further away from the experiences that traumatized me. This is going to stay with me until the end, I think. My life will never be easy the way it is for people without childhood traumas, but I'm in charge of myself and my reactions. I'm so much happier now.

back to CherylNY
 

I really appreciate you posting this about your experiences. Glad you are able to have such a realistic view and able to describe the trama and growth so well.

Today I am able to say, "that was then, this is now" and it helps me a great deal to not get stuck.

Sometimes it is difficult for me to figure out things. I heard the "ding, ding, ding" bell several times as I read your post. Very helpful.

I have not awakened from a night terror in a great long while. I am grateful. :)

Best wishes -

Sincerely,
RockOn

I am going to add myself to the list here and hope that we can have some ongoing conversations. I am desperate for connections and support in this area at the moment.

As many of you know, I have a child with autism who has been the focus of much of my time and energy for many years. She came home last month from 17 months of inpatient psychiatric care. I didn't realize how much the last year before she left had effected me until she came back full time. Now I cant sleep. I panic over everything. I hate to be in spaces that I can not lock. Even the slightest suggestion of an argument has me retreating from an area, and ultimately from a person. It's impacted my relationship, my family life, my work and schooling. I feel like I have lost myself and I spend time every day trying not to break into tears for no apparent reason.

Sadly, the availability of resources where I am at is so limited. I tried counseling while my kiddo was gone, but it wasnt a good fit. There are only a handful of mental health services here that will be covered by my insurace, and because of the work I do, there is someone I know in every office and it makes me feel so uncomfortable going there. I am coming to terms a lot with taking space for my own feelings. I can't take care of others when I am not taking care of myself. This has had me reaching out to find more resources and I have an intake next week at the local domestic violence center.

How do we find resources for support in a rural area? Do any of you know of any online support groups that are good?