Synchronistic, maybe, that I accidentally clicked the BFP thumbnail on Google Chrome and saw this thread had been started. I'd just completed an obituary and vital record search on my mother from one set of sites (something I do from time to time) and was about to try others, because I don't know where-or-if she is. (I've a feeling that she isn't.) And occasionally, like tonight, the thought of her rises up in me, and I feel an absence like a chasm. Like a space I cannot breach or bridge. That no kind of knowing will mend. It isn't that I wish to be in her life, or to have her in mine (I know that I cannot), but I suffer an ache at the idea of not knowing when she will die.

Here is something I've written about this process:

Already Haunted

I wonder when she dies
if I will know--
whether an absence will open in me,
a void shaped by her past or departing
energies--
or if anyone will know to write me.

Whether she will have left mad instructions
scrawled on a yellow legal pad
like the year of her other almost suicide:
36 hours before they found her,
naked,
unconscious,
the Comfort Inn.

How she'd signed over her car title to someone,
wanted me to have her antique pieces
and two framed and matted cross-stitched angels
(how she loved them),

but more likely now:
an angry, cursing letter,
a reminder how like my father I am--
a distortion: calling me his name, her mother's name,
someone else long dead--

or nothing at all

no phone call
no notice
no cold breath
no sense of her gone

only the still present question of her,
of whether and when
she'll finally and for the last time
just leave me.

jjordanavritt ©

I do not celebrate this day for anyone in particular. My own mother (aka egg doner) abandoned me and my 2 siblings when I was 16 months old. My father raised us and of course remarried 2 more times. I never called anyone MOTHER my entire life. I am 42. I was told by my family (after I came out) that I was a lesbian because I sought a "woman" influence!..this has infuriated me for many years. I am lesbian because it is how I was born..period end of story. I am the mother of 2 and because of them I had to recognize this day for them. When they were younger I appreciated all the handmade cards the schools assist them in making and the ones they made on their own. I am a mother because of them. I am a woman because of my father!..he was the one who was there through all my doubts..through all my troubles and held me when I cried for her..I am shaped as a woman by many of the woman I have met in my life. I had an amazing grandmother who was a strong independant stubborn woman!..I believe I am most like her. I was shaped by my older sister..who was not a strong woman and who allowed people to walk all over her because she sought the guidance of a woman who never came back for her. I side stepped alot of trouble because I watched the torment my sister went through. I am alot like my aunt barbara, she is an amazing woman who has survived (as did I) a death of a child..only not allowing it to break her spirit but allowed her to love more deeply the children god left for her!..I am like my kindergarten teacher..Ms nathan..who snuck me raisin bran cereal and oreo cookies because she always thought I was to tiny!..I am like my first RN who was an absolute bitch but told me "you will never like me, but you will always remember everything I teach you"..holy shit was she right on!..I am like my meemy..she was a woman who did everything she ever wanted to do in her life..she lived to the age of 90 and had only one regret..her and I could no longer go to saturday morning movies together!..

Soo..I have always believed I am most like the woman who have walked in and out of my life. I love woman who are strong, powerful in love, independant, stubborn, compassionate and who love themselves for it. So on sunday I celebrate THEM..all of them.


BUT on fathers day I celebrate the ONE and ONLY man other then my son who has my heart!..because without him..I would not be the woman I am today!..I love you dad!..and thank you for being you!

lillie

e, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you had to live this...

I don't really get too down on Mother's day anymore, but I do get reflective. I lost mom in July of 2007 after a very short bout with cancer (7 weeks diagnosis to death).

There are certainly things in my life that I wish she was here to share with me, and some that I'm glad she didn't live to see; For that first year, I felt a lot like an orphan having lost my dad in 1985 and really feeling like there was nowhere to call home.

But these days, I hear a song, see a bird, hold something of hers in my hand, or see a gift she gave me over the years and my thoughts drift back to a different time when she was still here. She wasn't perfect, but then again, none of us are. When she was dying, we talked about how she raised us. She said "Well, they don't give you a book about how to raise kids when you have them; you just have to do the best you can with what you have". I told her then that she had done well in raising us.

I do miss her still; some days more than others. She comes to visit fairly regularly,,those who know me know what I mean. My thoughts to all who struggle with the loss of their mother or the absence of her in your lives.

Glynn

This will be the first Mother's Day without my mother and it's been bothering me quite a bit. My dad died in 2007 and then my mother died Aug. 11, 2009. The thing that bothers me the most is that ads for Mother's Day are everywhere. You can't escape them by reading the news, watching tv or even driving in your car. It has made me think a lot about how difficult it all must make it for young children who have lost their mothers. I'm an adult and I'm struggling. To be quite honest, I'll be happy when Mother's Day is over.

My Momma died March 3, 1993. Mothers day always makes me sad.

To my Momma, The Yellow Rose of Texas!!! I miss you!
Love always, your little Tomboi!

Mother's Day....
 

[QUOTE=ruthie14;98451][COLOR="DarkOrchid"][SIZE="3"][FONT="Comic Sans MS"]I have a very hard time with Mother's day. I was never able to have any children of my own and My stepchildren no longer talk to me , even though I raised them when NO one else wanted them. If it wasn't for my own mother I would just hybernate for the day. As it approaches, I get increasingly depressed and weepy.



Dear Ruthie; I visited my mother nearly everyday in her old age and helped take care of her in her last days, often doing what the nurses would'nt. My ex-wife complained about it but all I said to her was "She is my mother, she brought me in the world and did her best with the little she had to take care of me, and now I'm going to help take care of her!" And that is what I did, and what we all should for good mothers/stepmothers if we could. Anything less is shameful and anyone who does otherwise I have no respect for.

I really don't know if Mother's Day is a good day or a bad day for me,yet.It certainly is a strange day for me,I will give it that.

My mother is dead,and when that date on the calendar rolls around I usually take a walk out to the family cemetery and stay there for an hour or so.Just remembering all the memories we shared together,the good and bad.I had her remains cremated and brought her ashes here to be laid next to her father and mother.When I dug a hole what now seems like three very long years ago I knew what I was burying was not my mother..but,well,ash.There are others I have 'laid to rest' in that cemetery,and when Mother's Day comes around for them,I will see flowers and stuffed animals left behind from their visiting family members.I gave those sort of things to my mother while she was living.