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If you read the comments on the article, you'll see that the author's spouse commented roughly halfway down. He is very clear in his comment that he self-identifies as a tranny, uses the word tranny regularly, and does not consider it a slur. I don't think there was anything transphobic in her use of the word. She probably just didn't know that a lot of people don't feel the way her partner does about it.
One of the things I've found pretty disturbing in the years since I entered the LGBT community is the unspoken (hell, sometimes spoken outright) ethic that femme lesbians aren't allowed to have non-approved feelings about their partners transitioning. Anything other than wholehearted, joyful support will be labeled as transphobic. I applaud this woman for having the courage to say in public that she didn't have good feelings about her partner's transition, that it was hard for her, that it still is hard. When I met my wife, she'd already been living 24/7/365 as a woman for 20 years. Trans issues were old hat to her, but the whole concept was entirely new to me. I knew that trans people existed, but I'd never known anyone who was trans as far as I was aware. So, knowing that I had a lot of questions and that some of them might inadvertently be hurtful to her, I started looking for online support communities for partners of trans people. I figured that would be a good way to talk to people who were dealing with some of the same feelings and issues that I was. How wrong I was. I learned pretty early on that any question other than "How can I best express my love and support of my trans partner to the world?" was transphobic. Questions about the long-term health risks of hormone therapy? Transphobic, and how I dare I even suggest that trans people are somehow damaged. Questions about terminology? How dare I use that slur that I had no idea was a slur until I got yelled at for it. Wondering how trans men fit into the lesbian community (keeping in mind that I had been clear that I had almost zero experience with the LGBT community at all), aren't they straight men now? Well, that's just about the most transphobic thing I could possibly have said, and that one got me banned from the group. I didn't ask any of those questions out of transphobia. I asked them out of sheer ignorance. I honestly didn't know, and I thought a support group would have been the place to ask. Nope. As far as I could find, support groups for anyone who is really, actually struggling or honestly doesn't know how to navigate the community appear to be all but non-existent. I hope more articles like this one are published. Maybe if more partners admit that they didn't feel great about their significant other's transition, they'll be able to get some real support and deal with it better, rather than just learning how to stuff their own needs and feelings. |
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IMHO, the shoulders that bare this burden, belong soley to her partner in this case. IMHO, the one who should be being supportive in this situation, is him. Something perhaps along the lines of...."I'm sorry I lied to you all this time baby. I know this is f#@king you up. I should have told you, but I know how you feel about this and I didn't want to lose you. So I lied. I thought if we we married, it would be harder for you to leave me. I love you and I was afraid. I want us to be together forever." Substitute the phrase "I'm sorry I didn't tell you." in the quote above rather than "I'm sorry I lied", and you have exactly what my husband said to me lo these many years ago (1980) when he told me shortly after our second anniversary about his desire to transition Devastated does not even begins to describe how I felt. When I read the article, I understood down to the bone how this femme felt. Almost word for word she described my feelings at that time. Part of the devastation for me was that I KNEW (also down to the bone) that I would not leave him. We were one. To leave him would rip my own self apart. Therefore I would face incredible change in my own life. I was not and never have been transphobic. I have always understood the need of people to be who they are. But that does not mean I was ATTRACTED to transpeople sexually or that I sought a relationship with one. I had, and this femme has, the right to choose her attraction. That does not make her transphobic. Even the 'Tranny rah rah rah" thing does not mean she is transphobic. She was just mad. I experienced the same thing. All of a sudden, instead of being surrounded by women be they butch, femme, andro, whatever, all of a sudden there were a bunch of men sitting on her couch...and her beloved butch was one of them. My hubby waited a long time after he told me before he actually transitioned (for reasons I won't go in to here) but when he did, he jumped in with both feet. We went to doctors, therapists, group counseling, support groups, you name it. All about HIM. All about trans issues. Because we were activist people, we were activist in this as well. Almost every day there were guys sittiing in my living room talking about penises. I'm a lesbian dudes, penises (unlike "cock") do not attract me. Do not think I am exaggerating here. In those days at least, when presurgical transmen met, THE top of converation was penises. Was it possible to have one? Which doctor could do the best surgery? What kind of procedures were involved. How much did it cost, Could you get insurance to pay for it? ... and the big one ... Would it WORK? Yah "tranny blah blah blah" is pretty mild to describe the anger I felt at the way my beautiful life with my beautiful butch was being transformed. Where was I in all this? Who was I. Partners were treated as peripheral at best. After a year or two I understood why. During this time we met at least 50 couples. At the end of the two years, only 2 of these couples. no matter how long term their relatiopnships had been, were still together. Hubby and I were one of them. In all of which I was treated as a straight woman. It was hard. it was painful, and it was insulting to me. The isolation was complete. The only one I could talk to about how I felt was hubby. He was wonderful. HE knew I was not straight. I never had to cover those feelings up around him. On the other hand, it tore him up to see me suffer and to know that he was responsible for the pain I felt. So most times I did not tell him. So really folks, cut the femme some slack if she feels some anger. She has been through a lot. She has not had a lifetime to think about her feelings the way her husband has. I give her enormous credit that she is realizing that she loves her husband despite what he did to her and what has happened to her because of his choices. She has feelings. She is being honest about them, and she is trying like hell to keep her love intact through all of it. In my opinion, she ROCKS!!!! Finally, while we are talking about insulting terms. Think about the term SOFFA (Significant others, friends families and allies ot transfolk.) I hate this acronym. I will not post on any site or thread that uses this term. It makes my skin crawl. What is it that you do with a sofa? You SIT on it. In my experience that is pretty much what happens to the feelings of SO's of people who transition...they get sat on. They are expected to just forget how they feel and express only joy and support for their loved one. We do feel that joy and support. But we feel a lot of other feelings as well, and those feeling are pretty much not acceptable. While the person who transitions gets support the SO gets almost none. Again, she ROCKS!!! Smooches, Keri. |
Good for her. She's allowed to be upset and she's allowed to mourn. And she's allowed to express it however the hell she wants to express it.
I've been there. I wish 10 years ago that I had the kind of backbone of honesty that she has now. |
It's a Vancouver thing
I live in Vancouver so just gonna point out that certain terms and phrases that would be seen as offensive and transphobic elsewhere are acceptable here - most notably the word "tranny".
Another thing about Vancouver is it's very open and very supportive transfolk community. There are a lot of people who moved here just to access that support. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around why he would keep this from her; specifically because of where they live. All that aside, it was very educational and informative to hear an honest opinion from the femme partners side of transitioning. |
My hubby waited a long time after he told me before he actually transitioned (for reasons I won't go in to here) but when he did, he jumped in with both feet. We went to doctors, therapists, group counseling, support groups, you name it. All about HIM. All about trans issues. Because we were activist people, we were activist in this as well. Almost every day there were guys sittiing in my living room talking about penises. I'm a lesbian dudes, penises (unlike "cock") do not attract me.
Do not think I am exaggerating here. In those days at least, when presurgical transmen met, THE top of converation was penises. Was it possible to have one? Which doctor could do the best surgery? What kind of procedures were involved. How much did it cost, Could you get insurance to pay for it? ... and the big one ... Would it WORK? Thank goodness for MY sake, not all Transmen are interested in going so far as to have bottom surgery...I was with a butch that a year into the relationship decided he wanted to transition and it was like what I copied above, his desire to take that next step was there even if the means to do so never was...at least not during our relationship. The relationship ended for other reasons but I made it perfectly clear then and to everyone else - I have no issue with FTM/transitioning, top surgery or taking T. For ME I could not/do not want to even try to make it work beyond that...I dont consider this a condition on my love for someone, I doubt having a penis (working or not) would make me suddenly stop loving them (I still love my ex-husband, although not romantically) but the reason I left him is the same reason I would leave them...I just cannot live that way. Sex is an important part of a relationship for me (saying that makes me smile because during my marriage I thought if I never had sex again it would be fine) and I cannot, will not have sex with a 'penis'. I have been out about 13 years and I still feel very niaive about the right and wrong things to say or do...and the last thing I want is to offend anyone...I am strictly speaking for ME. From the very first time I even entertained the thought of being with a woman she was butch very butch...I am attracted to that look, that energy, the maculine/femme dynamic (for ME that may come from living most of my life in a hetero world) whatever it is - it is. I feel I have the best of both worlds with my man. He is himself - and open about it when necessary and not when it isnt necessary...I still very much want to identify as a QueerFemme...being a femme has always made it difficult in my daily world....he understands that I love him for him but it doesnt change me. We talked A LOT about lots of stuff during our getting to know each other period...since we started out being friends it was easy not to hold back likes and dislikes...that 'honeymoon' period where you just want to say all the right things. We had both had relationships that went bad due to not having a clear understanding of what was gonna be a deal breaker and what would work. I feel for the girl in the original story - like has been said if going in you had no idea this was what you were signing up for it's difficult at best and it has to be understood BOTH people are going through it and in this case not her choice. Seems the overwhelming agreement here is communicating what your feelings are about yourself, your partner and your future. Don't leave out those "daydreams" of living in the wilderness someday off the land, or one day selling everything and traveling the country or perhaps taking the next step to live in the body you always dreamed of....TALK. I had to come back and say the title to this thread should say..."Loving a Transman Isn't Easy if That's Not What You Signed Up For" because I find loving a transman to be one of the easiest things I have ever done |
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I read this article awhile back on FB. She is speaking honestly and openly. I did not find her transphobic at all. Partnering with someone who is transitioning is hard. It helps a lot to be able to speak honestly about how you feel. I went to a partner's support group for a year and it was enormously helpful. It was a totally safe space to say whatever we felt without the worry of hurting our partners.
I am glad this woman spoke so candidly. It may help open the dialogue up for other partners, butch, femme or otherwise. I am also happy to report that transition can be a bonding, nurturing and wonderful experience for a couple as well. Like anything in life there is good and bad all mixed up together. I love my partner and feel closer to him today than I did three years ago when we met. He's changed a lot but in so many wonderful good ways. |
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Is it possible that her partner didn't lie?
I'm thinking of Chaz Bono as an example. Chaz came out as a lesbian, because he thought that's who he was. And maybe it is who he was at the time. But over time he came to realize that he really was a man and started transitioning. Did Chaz lie to his female partner when he started transitioning after they were together? How can we be so quick to suggest that's what happened in this case? Without knowing the parties, I'm reluctant to chalk this one up to duplicity. Rather, I think people continue to grow and change throughout a relationship, and this may just be an extreme example of that. |
This article was actually posted in the Trans News thread: http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...?t=2287&page=6
Personally, I found it really offensive. It's one thing to express your emotions over your partners transition. It's another thing to make these sorts of really transphobic statement. And another brilliant example where the existence of transphobia in the world is almost mocked. Where even pointing out transphobia is turned around on the trans person who points it out, as if they are in the wrong for pointing out oppressive language. If someone calls me a "rah rah tranny person" I'm going to be fucking offended. In fact, if anyone calls me a "tranny" I'm going to be fucking offended, I don't care who you are. I'll post my reply from that thread here: While I do agree that partners should be heard when they voice their concerns over a partner transitioning, there are ways to say it without reducing the word transphobia to something that trans people throw at people at random and framing trans people who call out transphobia when they see it as the "bad guys" in the situation. I definitely do see transphobia in comments like these: Quote:
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What does "Rah-Rah Tranny people" (seriously, if you're trans and identify as a "tranny", that's cool, but a cis person using the word "tranny" to refer to trans people in general is offensive, in the same way as a white person using the "N" word or a straight person calling gay men "fags") even mean? Apparently they are "politically fueled"? Again, what does that mean? Cause to me a "politically fueled" trans person is someone who fights for their own rights in a society where they don't have equal rights with the rest of the LGB spectrum. In the country the author is from, for example... Like I said above, I have no problems with partners going through their process of coming to understand or accept their partner. But I feel the author made some comments that were transphobic (zomg, I must be a "rah rah tranny person"). I understand the frustration if the community she is a part of tells her that it's not acceptable to voice her feelings and grief over her partner's transition. I don't think that's good of them to do at all, and it's not something I would support. On the other hand, I don't think she should be expressing her frustrations while make transphobic remarks. It's like justifying homophobia because you had a bad altercation with a queer person, or sexism because you had an altercation with someone of a certain sex. Neither is acceptable in my eyes, and I don't think trans people should have to put up with anymore than anyone else should have to put up with discriminatory comments. |
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Edit: I'm sorry if this post came off as harsh, but honestly this kind of thing is really offensive to me. That people on the one hand say that slurs aren't acceptable, but when it comes to trans people it's acceptable. If a trans person wants to take back that slur to identify themselves, then that's fine, but that isn't an excuse to use that to talk about other trans people as a group. |
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Then call me transphobic. I would never use the word "tranny" but I may use words or concepts that could be offensive to other transmen or women because my partner is comfortable with them. What her comments mean to me is that she is transitioning right alongside her partner and it is not always pretty or free of internalized transphobia, homophobia or other isms. That is why partners discuss these issues in groups with other partners. I have never once in all my discussions with partners felt transphobia from them. I have felt a lot of pain and confusion. Also happiness and love. Like I said it is a mixed bag and it may not always be palatable to everyone. I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and I still appreciate her courage in expressing her feelings. ETA Do you all remember that article in Oprah about the straight lady who fell in love with a transman? Now that article felt transphobic and really bugged me a lot. This one does not. |
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If turn this around and made it about a previously heterosexual identified woman who begins dating a lesbian, or a person with internalized racism dating a person of colour, do they have just as much a right to express their difficulties with the situation by throwing around slurs? I should hope not. And it's not just about slurs. Quote:
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I don't think what is happening or has happened between that woman and her husband can simply be called an altercation. That's the example you used And that's what I responded to. |
It's striking a nerve
It would be hypocritical of me to excuse her heavily weighted verbiage just cause she's femme, a sad femme, an angry femme, I can express concerns, fears, insecurities without having to use deragatory words. I'm ok with calling it out because not everyone is going to be ok with that particular descriptive...
Anyway it isn't going to change nor is my opinion up for debate I've shared now I'll just read. |
Wait...did chick and her husband have an altercation? now I am lost.
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I do not doubt or argue that the language is transphobic to you. All I can tell you is that there is a whole lot of yucky stuff that swirls around in one's head when your partner is changing day to day. Working through transphobia is one of the things I have done over the past three years. And it has come up in the most surprising ways. My partner is also Latino and I have had to work through my own racism. I'm really sorry that this feels bad to you and that you do not feel heard. That is a crummy feeling and not my intent at all. I guess I am feeling kind of cranky and needing to carve out my little space. That should not be to the exclusion of you or other transpeople and for that I apologize. I still give her the benefit of the doubt though. |
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