Love that last line...perfectly stated..

Great thread, and interesting posts!

I guess for me, "closure" just means, something is closed.

I close a door, and walk away from the closed door, and I'm okay with it being closed and I don't have an urge to keep opening it—as if I'd find something that wasn't there before, if I did.

The opposite of closure is a very unsatisfying place to be in. It's like standing in front of the empty refrigerator; opening it, seeing nothing there, then opening it again—still nothing there—and continuing to compulsively open it and reliving the disappointment that there is nothing there, over and over.

Closure, for me, means closing the door and walking away, letting go of false hope, accepting that some things will never be resolved, never make sense, accepting that I can't make myself known or even seen clearly sometimes—and it feels good to walk away from that struggle and agree not to waste more of my life on it.

Others have talked about the triggers that delay closure, the artifacts that are left when a relationship ends. I like to set them free, let those things out into the world.

I give away gifts from an ex, unless they remind me of feeling loved; not in a self-destructive, pining kind of way, but in a strong way, a way that feels validating.

Thanks again, everyone for your insight. I feel I have closure. Just in the healing process...which is a beautiful and sometimes painful thing, but ever so enriched by it in the end.


:stillheart:

this is perfect and will go on my proverbial mirror.

:stillheart:

Stop answering emails and phone calls.

Also, delete voicemails before they play.

I learned that sometimes I can't assist an ex in
their grieving process and letting go.
I learned that sometimes in order to get a clear mind I require
distance from their pain and their loss.
I learned that sometimes i had to be
really selfish and respect and love myself above all others and
try and get space in order to hear my own voice again.
I learned that once I decided that I was not going to
go back. That i had to "drop the rope"

Good luck

closure for me does not happen like closing a door. It's many many stages of closure.

It's almost two years ago my wife left and I'm still struggling to deal with what happened. I'm still angry. I still miss who she used to be. I still miss the incredibly good parts of our partnership... in terms of it being "us" not "her"

I took some time away. I just got in contact with her to just say I'm still around, don't know if I can talk yet. still angry.

She came back with a happy email of great news and stuff that just brought up a bunch of bile for me. She has very obviously been able to move on. And I've been very slowly trying to piece myself back. And wondering how long it will be until I'm able to trust anyone.

I would like to be friends but I dunno. I asked her for an apology for her choices or at least and aknowlegement it *WAS* a choice. rather than "oh it just happened, I didn't plan it, I'm sorry you got hurt blah blah."

when I hear that from her, I dunno maybe it might help me to get past it? Maybe not. Maybe I'll still be fucking angry for a long time anyway. But I at least told her what I needed from her if she does want to be friends.

other relationships? I say goodbye. I say goodbye in the way you say good bye to dead people. The relationship is dead. I write a letter and burn it. I take time for myself. I can't be around the other person. I know they want to be friends like, a week later, cause they miss me. you know what? that's what happens when things die. you miss them.

I try and do my work and I don't ask them to do my work for me. I write and write. and in stages, little things close. like a wall with a thousand doors. over time and work, one little door will close.

Sometimes I'm scared to close some of those little doors because I'm scared. scared that there won't be anything on the other side of all those hurt feelings. that there is just nothingness. and something is better than nothing.

It's a long, slow process that only I can give myself.

Don't have any "breaking up" experiences so "closure" is a foreign concept. Read something a friend of mine wrote that seems appropriate though.

Letting Go

"Letting go requires you to respect and love yourself enough to deny another person continued access to you when that access causes you to respect or love yourself less than you should.

Letting go requires that you accept the other person exactly as they are in that moment. Accept that they are who, what, and where they should be and that their life is about them, not about you.

Letting go requires that you come to terms with your different levels of apology. It's inevitable that you won't get the relief you're hoping for if/when either of you apologizes. Apology isn't just a set of words. It's a process that develops into something over time. It can't happen in any timeframe but its own.

Letting go requires living in the world that exists rather than in the world you wish existed. Don't allow false hope to lure you into a fantasy world, especially if you have experienced the hope-loss-hope cycle with that person before. Don't invent a fictional future where the other person will magically turn back into the person you met and fell in love with if some set of parameters changes. Live in the moment you have and stay away from the past and the future. The past is over and the future isn't any of your business yet.

Letting go requires being honest, no matter how ugly that can get. Don't spend time idealizing. Human beings aren't fantasy creatures. If physical or psychological harm is being done to you, walk away and stay away. Period. Don't go back thinking that you can love the problem away. You can't sweep something huge like that under a mental rug and think it won't grow into something bigger there in the dark.

Letting go requires acknowledging that your experiences, both during and at the end of the relationship, were different. Neither of you can move on if you're busy holding the door open between you for the purpose of sustaining an ongoing round of arguments or grief sharing.

Most importantly, letting go requires believing that no matter how intolerable things might feel in the moment, it's just a moment. Life goes on. You can't get caught up in the fact that it's going to go on without the person you love(d). You can't get caught up in how quickly or slowly they move on compared to you. Things are just going to go on differently, that's all. Not badly. Just differently. It takes some getting used to but, chances are, you've survived harder things."

Break ups are one of the hardest things I think we have in this world. Sometimes it makes us think why do we even try? When things are good they are so so good. We are smiling even in our sleep. When things start to go it is sometimes so gradual that we are shocked that what made you feel like the happiest person in this world could have ended. I have been in a relationship with the love of my life for four years. I really don't think anyone ever means to hurt someone you truely love; it is just that we change, life changes and what we want changes with time. You try to keep things and compromise but sometimes you just can't.
On a phone hearing each others voices you want to try again. The love is there so you think that will be enough.
Finally an e-mail "letter" is in order. The other person can not make excuses why they are doing what they are or that things will get better in time.
Getting rid of all ways of contact like changing cell phone numbers and taking them off your facebook, e-mail list and getting rid of all pictures, e-mails etc is the very last step. I agree that is the hardest step. Knowing why you broke up doesn't always help it still hurts the pain is still raw. They say time makes it less painful. Maybe unless the memories kick in.
Maybe learning to love ourselves and believe that we did everything we could but sometimes it is just time to let go and know we are not bad people it is just bad siturations. Maybe that helps?

I do my best to have that one last convo with the person I am needing closure with, but if that is not an option, I write a letter to that person and then burn it.

Or...
 

The wild swing to, "maybe it's because she loves me so much and is hurt?" -
Self delusion is such a mind fuck!!

I learned that we don't really need closure. I thought I did, and did some really self destructive things trying to obtain it, and never really got it. After I started working on myself, I realized the only thing I could control was myself... And the "closure" wasn't necessary. What was that closure going to give me? Was it going to make me feel better?? Was it going to close the gaping wound in my heart (or tear it back open??). The only thing trying to get closure gave me was more grief and despair.

From someone who has been there, and back.... Take it from me. Move on, find things you enjoy and live your life. It's the only thing that will relieve what you are feeling and IT DOES GET BETTER (I promise)

<3

Yes, I admit that adds to the hurt - I'm trying to deal with a very intense love and responses are about materialism. Not necessarily evil (again trying to find the elusive sunny side) - maybe the feelings were long gone. But I suppose I would care about the feelings of anyone, whether I loved them anymore or not.

This might seem far fetched to comprehend ~ closure comes with the next "Hello" between you both ~ time does heal wounds :) ~ enjoy your life ! after all it is for the living :)

I'm NOT going to waste my head space in trying to figure it all out, Just move on forward and don't look backwards. Keep on keeping on, my own sanity is what is most important to me and in keeping my head sane in thoughts, then I must let go of all that has passed, including the material things I can replace.

I once made a "break-up" diorama with Lego people to help with closure, or at least to turn the anger over such a ridiculous break-up into ridiculous art.

The healing for me always comes when I'm too busy being engaged in my own life to think about it. I've had a break-up where I felt like the healing would happen when she acknowledged the ways in which she hurt me. I imagined the kind of Hollywood scene where people suddenly grow up and see the harm they've done and take responsibility for it. And amazingly, I even got that moment several years later. But I didn't need it, because I'd already healed on my own. What's more, had she given me that acknowledgment and apology before I was healed, it wouldn't have healed me or given me closure. That's something I can only give to myself.

I know I've got closure when I can feel compassion again, instead of anger or disgust. That doesn't mean I always reach out when I feel it, though. I need to have compassion for myself too, and that sometimes means leaving the past in the past.

Delete all pictures, emails, voicemails, etc off everything electronic device I own.

And just delete them from life.