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I really am in the dark when it comes to this disease. The only way I find anything out is by our talks online here, looking up key words on the internet, and spending time with my friend.
She is in her 50's, and has a number of children. She was chem. dependent, and went thru therapy at a psychiatric hospital, and still is seeing a psychiatrist three times a week. Her husband, children, family & friends support her. It really has been a blessing for her. This cannot be done alone. I hope everyone is doing ok with the snow. Stay warm & dry! :anothersnowman: Andrew :cigar: |
When I am extremely stressed I pull my eyelashes out, and sometimes I hit myself in the head.
Yeay. |
I was good friends with a girl in high school who was a cutter... I wish there was something I could have done to help her. I felt helpless, she wouldn't talk about it much if hardly at all. I even went to the school counselor to ask for advise in how to understand it and maybe some how help her. I didn't know anything about it, I was so amazed that someone could do such a thing. I mean I came from a very small town. It was 27 yrs ago and I graduated with 38 people so it was a very small community that was very should I say closed minded or was it just because people just went along with other people. I see her now and I know she is thankful for me being there for her, I still wonder how she is doing with it all? I wonder if she is thinking if I will ever ask her about it? Is it something I should be asking about?
I pray for all that suffer from this!! |
"On my once smooth skin lies a map of pain and fear..." - so goes the opening line of an angsty poem I wrote many years ago.
I used to cut and have since healed the internal wounds that caused me to injure myself on the outside. I will always be a work in progress but I am proud of myself today and like who I see in the mirror. It IS possible to heal, grow, and change. The keys for me have always been to retain at least some small measure of hope, and to be willing to keep picking myself up again and again, however many times necessary. There ARE amazing rewards and it is worth the blood, sweat, and tears. There is an organization called 'To Write Love On Her Arms' that inspired a pic I posted in the gallery. See photo info. for a link to the site. |
As a young kid I use to pull out large chunks of my hair out. In retrospect, I understand I was seriously needing some kind of release, I was literally pulling my hair out from serious stress.
Its never been an issue as an adult. |
Since I'm in my tired-half-drunk-can't-fall-asleep mode I figured I'd spill it.. Been cutting for a little over 9 years, and recently discovered the burning aspect of SI.
I've been single for 4 1/2 years since the last person I dated was apalled when she saw me in a tank top. Both of my arms and most of my chest are covered in solid scar tissue and I have some nasty ones on both thighs. Sometimes I get so angry and/or hurt I just cant keep it inside anymore and I have to let it out somehow. Since my friends are all the type of people who believe you can make your liife all sunshine and rainbows just by thinking about it, I can't turn to them. I once called my closest friend to try to talk to her and she just laughed. I hate being around people because all the places I go, I'm the only one who's single. And sincce I'm not very good at making friends I tend to hang around the ones I do have. Besides, having 3 jobs is not conducive to an active social life. I cannot say no to people. I already had 2 jobs and I agreed to a 3rd because I felt like I owed it to my neighbor. He has been very kind and gone out of his way for me in the past, so I agreed to drive his wife to the Dr. every day. My other jobs the hours are flexible but I am not accomplishing as much as I was because I can't be there as long as I was before I had to take her. I'm terribly sorry. I've started rambling.. I think I'm gonna go look at the stars for a while and quit buggin ya'll. |
Jeep - Thanks Man!
Jeep, :waterski:
First, thanks for sharing your story with us. :artist: This place is safe. Second, you are very brave to do that. God bless you. :harley: Lastly, no worries about venting. It is a means of support here. Not a soul is going to belittle you. What you speak of so many are struggling with. We are here to support you as best we can. I know I will be praying for you. :praying: Namaste dear brother, Andrew :LGBTQFlag: |
Jeep... I understand the need to keep to yourself. I just lost a very dear friendship because of my cutting.
Just know that there are people out here that understand. |
Unfortunately, there are wolves among the sheep and lambs. My hat is off to each and every one of you. You are brave and have courage that goes beyond what most pleople, including myself here as well, can even imagine. You are good souls. :gimmehug:
Love, Andrew :coffee: :pipe: :scarytv: |
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Thanks Braedon! Even though I miss the friendship I know my "Truth" is just too much for some and that's OK. I love them just the same....from a distance!
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You have new friends here Lique, and we understand what your going through
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I am going to see my friend at my nieces shower next week (as long as it doesn't snow). It will be interesting to see how far along she has come with her disease. I have to say I am a bit nervous. I am not sure of what to say, but will try to make an effort.
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How crazy is it that until the past few months, I had no idea that pulling my eyelashes out or hitting myself in the head was bad.
When I was a kid, I used to shock myself on purpose and I do get that electric shock can be bad, but it actually never occurred to me that pulling out my eyelashes meant something....that slamming the phone into my head over and over might hurt me. Or that rocking and hitting my head on the wall over and over might mean I had something going on. I never told any of my therapists or psychiatrists until I started Brain Spotting Therapy maybe 3 months ago, now it seems more clear. Best to all of you! I wish for each of you friends who stand by you no matter what! I have to say that I am very very lucky in that regard. No, I have not told them all, but those who do know seem supportive and those who don't are aware that I have meltdowns and disappear from time to time. Those who do not understand, I don't hang with any more. |
Facing my Fears
I want to open up and share my experiences here. I know its hard enough to finally publically post myself in solidarity. I just want to stop being afraid of being shunned again.
The worst thing about being "caught" my freshman year was how everyone in school found out why I was hospitalized by a unimformed big mouthed teacher. My "suicide attempt" it was called was misunderstood back in 1990. I was a cutter. I self injured in a multitude of ways, including starvation (anorexia) It was difficult to treat me when they couldn't understand why I was telling them I wasn't attempting to die. Not that I wasn't inheriently suicidal too... It wasn't the treatment that I was most harmed by, they were helpful and got me started towards handling my ptsd and the basic groundwork. It was my peers, my community, the people who had once secretly shared similar feelings/experiences that seemed to avoid me publically in a group shunning. Them also in fear of "standing in solidarity" and being shunned themselves. I wasn't the only one who had pain and traumas and standing alone when my private pain was made public was even more painful. Just wanted to say I am standing with you guys and facing my fears. |
I saw my friend. She has been in rehab. for drug addiction. It is really ashame. It is like she goes from one extreme to another. Her arms were covered. And she wore a turtleneck top. I really was uptight, and wasn't sure of what to do or say. She was really good at talking, but it was just small talk. Her husband was a nice guy, but somewhat of a geek. He didn't seem to be much on the ball. I think she married him to just be married. |
16 years blown to hell... I let myself down and I feel like I let everyone else down... especially my daughter though she doesn't even know it. I told myself to try and distract myself til it passes.... and what I really did was try to escape dealing with it... shoving it all up on a shelf in my closet... causing it to all come crashing down on me. When I started zoning out and practically obsessing about how badly I wanted to find relief.... or focus... or to just feel something but numbness... I should have done more than stick a post in this thread thinking I was somehow going to be able to trudge through this time like I have done for 16 years. But there is just so much going on at once. It's a mistake to expect too much from myself... and I think having a supportive friend or councelor would have been better than trying to always handle these feelings secretly all alone. As if I am ashamed. Made me realize that the embarrassment can actually separate someone in need from finding or hanging onto the help that is available. It is priceless to find support online but I am now reminded that it is only useful as a supplement to real world support, councelors with a treatment plan etc... Don't be like me and try to trick yourself into procrastinating seeking real world professional support. I thought "how much worse could it get" and then I got an answer of reality slapping me in the face. And I wasn't prepared for it so I stumbled.
Be back to post some links... |
hiding scars
i hope it's ok to post this here.
i am a self harmer, i hit, bite, pick and cut myself, the main part of my body that suffers with the cutting is my right arm. i count myself lucky that my reason for cutting is mainly that i find bleeding very calming, even comforting so i don't really have the need to cause major damage and disposable razors don't seem capable or a lot anyway.. Due to this i have the most faint and well hidden scars of anyone i've met, which weirdly in some ways i find upsetting, anyway on to my main point.. The sun is shinning a lot lately and especially since chest surgery and the fact that you can only see my scars when looking for them i refuse to wear extra layers if i really don't have to.. The problem is my arm is browning, ok only a little, but my scars aren't, so my scars are getting more and more visible, what can i do now? i guess i feel the need to hide them because even i in the past have been guilty of seeing someone with obviously self induced scars and thought that having them visible is way of getting attention, i know this makes me a bad person, but i don't want others to see me and look at me the same way. i never hurt myself for attention, it's just a way to deal |
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