:gimmehug:

I have struggled with clinical depression all my life. Lots of factors contributed to this, but my brain is definitely wired differently that most folks. I take a lot of medication because without it I am miserable and its hard to see the glass half full. In the past 2 years, since the fire happened (burning down my apartment in the middle of the night), I have suffered profoundly with panic disorder and agoraphobia. I have been on disability and living with my folks because I cannot live alone and care for myself. However, I am on a new med that seems to be helping a lot more, and I am getting better, slowly but surely. I am not out of the woods yet, but I am making progress and that gives me hope.

:gimmehug: to all of you who struggle with mental illness too.

I am so happy that you are doing better!

There have been so many times when I really needed to have a safe place in which to heal and did not have that option. I am so thankful that you have a safe place to be.

If I don't take my medicine I am so agoraphobic and anxious I can't leave the hosue at all sometimes.

I truly believe in better living though chemicals! :)
I fought it for a long time, but I know now that I will likely be on medication for the rest of my life.

My dear Sir,

Those who judge or belittle you... do so because they, themselves feel inadequate. It is truly their own disability. My brother lives wih a tramatic brain injury. He is now 49. He went over a bridge in his car when he 25 yrs old. When he was in coma (6wks), the doctors told us he would be a 'vegetable'. All of his siblings agreed that he should be removed from 'life support'. However, our mother said she could not allow it . My brother
came out of coma after suffering 2 major strokes as well. He was paralyzed on his left side (dominant side), unable to speak, walk, eat, or even breathe on his own. I was appalled that my mother would allow him to continue living with all of this wrong. I, then witnessed a miracle. All of my family rallied together (untl then we hardly saw each other) to help my brother reach his full potential. We were with him everyday. After 18mons of therapy, my brother began walking, talking, eating and breathing on his own. Not only did he heal, but so did his family. We were the ones who faced our fears of our own mortality and limitations. It was my brother that gave this to us, not intentionally, but just by being in our lives. He is not the brother I knew before the accident . He struggles each day to walk, to express verbally what he needs or wants. He has outbursts of yelling, pounding, and hitting when he becomes frustrated or agitated. He can't control himself. His medication changes frequently, most works the opposite on him than it is suppose to. He has taught me compassion, love, and thankfulness for all I have. When he comes to the phone and struggles just to say 'hello' and laughs when I ssay 'hello' back, my heart smiles.

I hope that you can see that those who don't support you, don't feel good about themselves. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive them. Pray that they can heal. This world's peace and love comes from everyone's ability to have it and share it.

I have suffered for years with SADS. I tried various drugs, no help. I moved to AZ and because of 97% sunshine here, I don't have it as often or as long. Also I have found that chocolate (1 ounce a day), helps increase serotonin levels in the brain. I have used the full spectrum lights as well. They worked pretty good for me too.

Sending you plenty of sunshine. ;)

Wicket,
Please know I wasn't making any judgement on your post. I am just expressing my views/observations of the some people's reaction to anything they don't understand.
I do agree with you that most people (who don't live with a disability -mental, physical, emotional) don't generally have a clue the struggles the individual, that does, has each day with the simplest of tasks. It never goes away, the person with a disability just learns to adapt the best he/she can with the tools he/she has.

Hey Apocalipstic!

I have never heard of Brainspotting - I will check with some colleagues and see what I can find out.

I know that I couldn't live anywhere that didn't have a full day of light - taking the time of year into consideration. I couldn't live in the Pacific Northwest. I couldn't live in Iceland. I NEED the daylight. And I use my lightbox every single day.

Andrew, I'm glad you started this thread, and I'm really happy that others are sharing. It's not easy to talk about mental illnesses, but it's important for everyone to know about them.

I have had a problem with depression since I was a teenager and didn't get treatment for it until I was in my mid-20's. For me a combination of talk therapy and an antidepressant is what works best. Also knowing when to distract myself vs. when to explore what I am feeling is important.

I started as a psych nurse 22 years ago and have been a clinical nurse specialist in psych for the past 17 years. I have worked as a therapist throughout that time, and (surprise surprise) have specialized in mood disorders and personality disorders. I enjoy doing individual therapy and group therapy and make it my mission to teach anyone that will listen about the symptoms of various disorders and the treatments available.

The first thing anyone with a mental health diagnosis should do is find out exactly what it is and why the person treating you believes you fit the criteria. Then read everything you can find, and try to educate everyone in your life. If people don't want to listen, or you're not ready to tell them, that's fine-- move onto the next person. It's also important to know that many mental illnesses run in families and that if a family member has had good relief of their symptoms from a particular med, you might also do well on that med. Finally, remember, there's no one cause for most mental illnesses and there's usually not just one treatment for them. Study after study has shown that combining different types of treatment works the best. Examples might be: medication management plus individual therapy, or cognitive-behavioral therapy plus group therapy, etc.

I have dealt with depression all my life and was recently diagnosed as bipolar. I still haven't been able to find a good combination of medications that work very well for me, mostly because I have no insurance and have to rely on the free clinic and the $4.00 list of meds at WalMart for meds because I can't afford the others with no insurance. I have my ups and downs, deal with suicidal thoughts all the time, no matter how "well" I'm doing. Most people don't have any comprehension what it's like to constantly live with the feelings and thoughts that you'd rather be dead. A lot of days I'd rather stay in bed with the blankets over my head than have to interact with anyone, although most of the time I'm much better since I have been on meds. Usually once a year I have to change meds because they quit working. I don't know why they work for awhile then seem to not work. I've been on antidepressants that they've had to increase the dose over and over and over and I've finally had to be taken off them. I think now, because they have diagnosed me as bipolar I have my answer, because I've been told I need to be on at LEAST 2 meds, one antidepressant and one mood stabilizer at the minimum.

I'm supposed to be going to a clinic right now that has sliding scale and will get your meds for free, but it takes a month or more for all their intake stuff. I'm planning on moving in Feb. and will have to start over anyway when I move, so I decided forget it, I'll wait til I move. I hate it when I get settled on a set of drugs, move and have to change docs, the new doc doesn't believe the drugs I'm on are right, wants to change them and I have to fight with him over the fact I'm doing well, so who cares what he thinks, lol... So, once I get moved I'll deal with the intake baloney up there so that hopefully I won't have to do it twice in a short time span.

Thanks you for sharing your story with us Mindy. I know what you mean about the "what drugs are going to work for me at the moment game." A particular cocktail tends to work 2-4 years for me and then I have to switch up. I hope they get you set up quickly.

Thank you for sharing with us!

I also know what you mean! My meds have had to be changed many times over the years. I also have recurrent suicidal thoughts and struggle with doctor changes and so forth.

Something I have discovered recently is that if I write out my history and medicines and what has and had not worked and hand it to my new health care provider, they tend to take me more seriously and believe what I am saying.

I have no idea why...maybe it shows them I am organized and on top of managing my own issues?

Best of luck with the move, I know moves can be much more difficult for us than for most people.

Also, years ago when I had no insurance, the clinic I went to with sliding scale also had erally low prices on the latest meds. I hope it will be the same for you. Mental health drugs have come a really long way in the last 30 years.

Right now the town I am in has a clinic that will actually give your drugs for as low as FREE! I also found out where I am moving has a clinic that does the same. So while I am looking for work after the move, I will at least be able to get them while job searching and waiting for insurance to kick in. Just a matter of waiting to get in initially.

Cool!

Remember to give yourself lots of breaks and take it as easy as you can with the move and all the change.

Best to you! :)

Overwhelmed today.

Maybe its all the rain?
Maybe its the holidays?
Maybe I feel pushed?

Wish I could be on a warm beach with white sand, listening to the waves.

I am clinically depressed. For me right now, I feel like I walk on egg shells around people. My words are taken out of context or misconstrued to mean something other than what they were meant to mean. And for me, it takes too much energy to get it out. I am tired of always :deepthoughts: and then being labeled a :duck:. Let me give an example. Today I went to the grocery store for Rosie. She has to give me a list, otherwise I come home with half the store. :D Anyway, she had some spice on the list that was for baking. I could barely pronounce the word, plus had no clue it was a spice. I handed the list to the lady in the help booth or whatever it's called nowadays. She looked at it, then laughed. She said the entire end cap was just filled with it from top to bottom. Who knew? I didn't. Heck, I didn't even see it. I felt like a jerk. :(

Holidays are hard on me. I used to enjoy being around people when I was younger, but not any more. It is more like dread as I have aged. Just another person to jump me, and make fun of me. I think I do better one on one. But that is just me. :pipe:

I am glad that you guys and gals understand me, and help me. It makes my life so much more full. I use this site as a safe haven. You enrich my life more than you will ever know. :candle:

Love,
Andrew
:fishing::bbq::cigar:

Andrew, I agree 100% about the holidays. All sorts of people to be around and unfamiliar places to navigate. It takes all my energy for one party, and I have several in my future. Kind of like a field of landmines.

:titantic:

One thing I have found helpful is to remember that most people are so into themselves that I am noticed way less than I think I am. If someone takes you wrong...calmly appologize and laugh with them. I know its hard, I am working on this myself. I am very defensive when I feel like I have done somehting dumb...in reality, most people have not noticed what I did or me at all. Don't feel like a jerk. :)

Really, if they are laughing to your face, they are either laughing with you, or a way huger jerk than you are even capable of being and thats on them!

PS. yes, I know huger is not a word, but I live to make up words :)

Apocalipstic,

Thank you for your post. :smelling-flower: I love the words you make up. I do that too. It is my thing.

Yes, I am feeling like the holidays are a landminds just ready to go off.:shark: I am going to try what you said to do. I am just praying it works. My anxiety is off the charts now. I have been to the doctor 3x's already for this. Each year it just gets worse and worse.

Thanks again.

Love,
Andrew

It makes me anxious too. Maybe it will help that we can talk about it here. :)

I have caution...

I don't want to intrude here but wanted to ask a question about the use of music to address mental illness. I ask this because it's something that a social worker suggested to my half-sister and interestingly, it seems to work. A bit of background: my half-sister was the sole witness to my mom's murder. This was a lot for an 8 year old to take in but coupled with that were a variety of conditions (i.e., Turner's syndrome, emotional abuse, slight Down's syndrome and, we suspect, OCD tendencies). What resulted was a form of schizophrenia and increased OCD behaviour. While she was already on a variety of medications to address other issues, the medication for the schizophrenia wasn't quite working. So the lead social worker in my sister's group setting suggested she listen to music (specifically Baroque classical) whenever the "experience" got to be too much.

Apparently this has helped huge with her ability to control things and has made it a more managable situation for herself. Granted, she'll never live on her own but she has a place of her own in a group setting, goes on trips, works, shops, etc. She's been using this for 5 years+ now and hasn't had any medication for her illness. Nor has she had major incidents. Certainly she can still focus on certain things endlessly and I cannot tell her about my transition (this would be too much and that is something I respect so I write to her with my birth name rather than my chosen name) but I did find it interesting.

So I was curious if others have used music as a mechanism to address other mental illnesses such as bi-polar, depression, anxiety, etc? And I wonder if it's the actual tempo or the attention is taken away from the illness and the mind focuses on something else or perhaps a combo of the two? Has anyone heard of this or been suggested this? Or was the social worker just lucky at the suggestion?

Hi Linus! :)

I know music therapy does exist and I know everything is better for me with music playing. It makes total sense :)

When I travel or even if I go to the grocery store and am anxious, on go my heaphones.

Linus,

I use music all the time. My anxiety is off the charts now that the holidays are coming up. I used to be able to listen and calm down when I was younger to Christmas music, but not anymore. My bio-father took my record player and records, and basically destroyed them when he was in a violent mood let's just say. I was listening to Christmas music at that particular time.

I listen to classical music when I go to bed at night. During the stressful times, I listen to easy listening music or show tunes. I have to be careful because sometimes I will have flashbacks if I get zoned out.

The one thing I will suggest to you, maybe when you go to see your sister, let her see you and touch your facial hair, and talk first. That maybe the way for her to communicate your transition.

You are always welcome here. I think how you are handling your family situation is just wonderful. My hat is off to you.

Love,
Andrew

Music therapy is an amazing thing and I've seen it help some people tremendously. It can be a treatment modality all by itself and a lot of patients will respond to having a choice of instruments, especially percussion and some gentle direction on how to express themselves. I'm not trained in music therapy, so I won't even try to go into the details of it.

In terms of using music as a tool to treat a mental illness or to lessen the symptoms, the most important thing to remember is that what we might think of as calming, someone else will be agitated by. I've had many patients that became agitated listening to classical music, regardless of the tempo of the songs. We changed our waiting room music at one clinic because of it. (I would advise against music in a waiting room, but we had paper thin walls and the noise machines weren't loud enough to block out raised voices). Choose what you like, and what has calmed you down in the past, or has motivated you. Music can be a great distraction, but can also be a trigger to those who have experienced trauma. Find what works for you, and set up playlists for your changing moods. Don't let anyone judge your choices-- suggestions are one thing, but don't let anyone tell you that you are listening to the wrong type of music if you know that it helps you to feel better, or to be distracted, or to have more energy. I had a 15 year old boy I worked with in long term therapy and the music that calmed his aggression and brought him down from feeling agitated was death metal. I don't know how it worked, I don't know why it had that effect, but it did.

Also, schizophrenics and other folks who have auditory hallucinations (AH), ie hearing voices, often find that listening to music with earphones helps them to block out negative AH and function in the world.

I've got my sad yet soothing music, my I just want to feel better and not think music (usually disco lol) and all sorts of other playlists on my mp3 player.

Great question, Linus!

3 days ago my bio-father was rushed to the hospital. His diabetes is out of control, he has bronch./pnemonia, and his heart rhythm is causing his pacemaker to go off. Now he is on dialysis. I was called late last night by my bio-mother. She asked me to call my siblings because she just couldn't. :twitch: Now my twitch has come back (from my ocd) and it starting up again. Shit. No other way to say it.

My stress level is wayyy up there. There is this one nurse or cnp who is nasty, and has the personality of a pea. I am just waiting to say :shutup: which is so unlike me (really). I think that pretty much summs up my anxiety level.

I completely understand, dealing with most family stuff gives me a twitch.

Remember (and I have a hard time with this myself) the nurse works for you, you don't work for her. If someone is nasty, tell their superior.

Handwashing
 

This place is so dirty. OMG. I am washing my hands all the times. I just went thru the hand sanitizers my mother had. Now, I am back and forth in the bathroom washing, and washing. I am back to step 1.

Hi there all...

I'm joining in the middle of the thread, and I hope that's okay.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD for short. It is often passed along down the female side of the family, and I have noticed that my mother has it and my daughter is showing signs. BPD affects 2% of the population, mostly women.

It took the break up of my relationship to finally figure out what was wrong, and why I was unable to form lasting friendships and relationships. My Marriage is now back on track, and all of my interactions are becoming easier in general. Oh I still have BPD, and I still don't like most people, but the way I deal with people is changing every day. I can regulate myself better, although I still occasionally do lose all perspective and have an episode.

When I am completely stressed I have OCD issues, where I check over and over for my keys before I can leave the house or get out of my car. When those episodes begin, I keep my keys in my hand and stare at them as I exit. It is not a cure, but at least I can move.

Thank you all for sharing...it really helps to know I am not alone.

Hi and Welcome BlushingFemme!:hangloose:

Music is great. I find that it often helps make my mood brighter when I'm feeling down. There are times, though, when i'm down that I listen to stuff that makes my mood worse, because I'm listening to music that "fits" my mood. A lot of times when I'm angry and upset I like to listen to loud, angry music with the volume on high. I'll listen to it a bit, do housework and the movement and the music makes me feel better after a bit. When I'm feeling better, the volume goes down and the music style changes. Can't do it where I'm living now, no loud music, no music at all unless it's through my head phones, otherwise there are fights over the music. I live with music haters! lol... not really, we just have huge differences on what constitutes "good" music.

The question about music in relation to treatment for mental illness is quite ironic to me at the moment. I too fair far better with the world when I see it beyond the blare of my music, but financial situations have not allowed me to have a CD player or mp3 player for myself in quite some time.

I just recently started throwing a CD in the DVD player to do my work again. I can't tell you how much of a Godsend music is. It calms my anxiety, releases my tension and makes the world a manageable place again. When I am angry, I put on a song and sing my lungs out. When I want to cry I put on something with a beat and focus on the rhythm. Without music I would never make it through a day, even without the CD playing I am singing to myself. I would have given up on trying so long ago if it weren't for the music.

Music is good but who else on here does the journaling and writing?

Music can calm me down faster than anything else...especially Christmas songs. They say that Christmas music (especially up tempo) releases lots of good endorphins into the system.

I journal and write decent poetry only when unhappy...I have been unable to write anything of importance in quite a while. The writing pulls me deeper into myself, and makes things so much worse! I do a lot of self checking now when I feel the urge to write.

I general write when I am unhappy too.

In college, I tried a poetry group. My poetry would be about shattering into frozen shards and everyone else's was about things like their granddad's canoe.

OMG! This made me laugh so hard...not because it is funny, but because you sound so much like my "spinning into the ever widening abyss" style of writing. It was a relief to think that someone understands what I am saying, and it made me feel good! Thank you so much....

Right there with ya and on the same page!

Yeay!

I think it's amazing that you realized you were BPD, and I commend you for taking responsibility for that! That is a very tough thing to do, given the nature of BPD. Most people with it have no clue they have it, let alone take responsibility for it and make a real effort to change. KUDOS!!! :gimmehug:

Thank you very much. I worked with people with Mental Health issues for 16years, and I knew deep inside something was wrong; the inability to form lasting relationships was very troubling for me.

BPD is a really strange disease, in that you blame EVERYONE else for your problems and issues, and it all seems quite rational.

I write song lyrics when I'm depressed. I can't get into picking up my guitar and figuring out the chord progressions, or even just wanting to strum a bit, but I can write some amazing lyrics. I just can't do much else.