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Thanks Jedi, but no I am not. Not by a long shot. |
*sighs* today... not a good day at all...
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I know...I have been crying alot today. |
I have bipolar with rapid cycling and traits of borderline personality disorder. Luckily, the only thing that's "confirmed" is bipolar.
There was a time that I would say "I'm bipolar" but eventually, I realized I have bipolar. It doesn't have me. Oh, there are days it wins out, of course. Here lately, those days are diminishing. I recently went back on meds. About 1 week ago, I did my final step up dose to what I should be to level out. I've never seen so many "normal" days on my mood chart and it's only the 17th. Currently I take 200 mg of Lamictal, 25 mg (I think) of Inderal, and Ativan prn. So far, this combination is helping me. I may consider returning to therapy, but I'm not certain on that part yet. I have my good days. I have my bad days. As long as the good outweigh the bad, I have no complaints. Good luck everyone. |
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but i have to keep in mind... it's progress... and i know i'm gonna make it... and thats what you need to keep in mind also... and you know where i am... |
Yes. I understand. |
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ok so i finally have a weekend off... but ya know... its so not good to have so much time alone inside my head... even though some of it has been very cathartic... especially since i've gotten rid of alot of stuff in there... but other times... it sucks...
and not having meds that are working right now really sucks also... man i hope when i get this move done i can find an affordable dr... and get the meds i know work... *sighs* |
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I would hug you and give you all the support I could. I hope you know this. No matter what you are going through, you have my support. Jedi |
Sorry i haven't read all of the previous posts..
..i'm awake after two hours sleep and i have reading issues, i', having to write this as an email first so i can see the text in a larger format.
i have what seems like bipolar disorder and i rapid cycle, apparently my moods change "too quickly" for me to be bipolar lol my mood can change extremely at any point between a matter of minutes and a matter of months i guess, thankfully it's normally at least weeks.. Anyway i currently don't have an actual diagnosis but meds fit etc.. and i REALLY should be on anti psychotic meds *curses diabetes for messing that up* Depressive periods are my biggest issue, crying all the time, sleeping constantly and still being tired i'm sure you all know it.. But this is the time my people (hallucinations) and voices in my head are most likely to bother me, at all other times i find a way to ignore them or cope even if its by avoidance. in another post somewhere i mentioned a man in my bedroom, i meant to say bathroom, anyway he is the only one that actually bothers me for an actual reason (other than just being there) he's nasty and i think he intends to hurt me, when i'm down i tend not to shower just so i don't have to be around him on my own for that long, care/the wench/the ex won't sit with me, i've asked, she doesn't understand my mental health issues unless she is somehow using them as a weapon against me but that's a different matter. All my other people only really upset me because i know i shouldn't be seeing them, that and they just stand there and stare at me. i normally realise i have big problem when i'm down and actually shouting at them to either go the ffff away and leave me alone, let me sleep, or ffffing talk to me so at least i won't be so lonely. When on a high i normally just ignore them or with the man in my bathroom i can tell him where to go if he doesn't like me in there. Before meds, my highs were fabulous i was highly functional on 2-3hours sleep, i'd blitz my flat at 3 in the morning, the wench would wake up to my over enthusiastic use of bleach lol i'd be bouncing around to music and singing *blush* i was even a lot more physically active, often to the point of causing an injury cause i wouldn't even rest when my arms hurt.. i had ideas and contributed to conversations around me, was interested in anything and everything, i was weirdly focused yet distracted by everything at the same time and everything around me seriously seemed slower. And i was generally good company if a little loud and having people trying to keep up with train of thought etc, i even had a lot more confidence with men. Since meds, even if i am not on them, and i'm often not.. i get the inability to sleep, i get the compulsive behaviours which i had before, shopping, gambling, over eating, the uncreased sex drive, drinking blah blah blah, but the lack of sleep now actually leaves me to tired to do much more than lay awake, my aggression and paranoia seem to be around not just when i'm down any more, i could go on. So while i'm on meds i'm a lot more stable, i lose the MAJOR downs YaY, don't really get high, cope a lot better with my people, but i really do think the price can be too high, i don't laugh, i don't fight for anything, i just let people walk all over me and often actually say thank you and i'm actually more likely to self harm while on meds. And i am still left with really scarey and obsessional thoughts i am really thankful for the stability meds give me, i often keep them as a security blanket even if i don't take them i know i have the option.. But i really do wish i could take them without having lost all the good things and i can't find the text colour i nomally use! :( |
Just thinking...
I can't stand it when people belittle me for taking meds for my depression and anxiety. I just think about those folks, and what makes them tick. And if they really understand my situation or are just ignoring my past or if they are only children who always got whatever it was they wanted, needed, or desired. Andrew |
Andrew you really seem sweet..
You definately do whatever works for you!!! FFFF everyone else! |
ok... i've been rapid cycling for almost a week now... what gives... any suggestions on relief... still waiting on med changes...
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i'm hoping once i get moved and can get everything straightened back out that i can get back to some semblance of normality again... my blood family is wanting me to come back to florida... but... i know the support wouldn't be there... so that's why i'm going where i will have it... |
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The question implies control over mental health and i genuinely beleive if there was any, those of us who needs meds, wouldn't need meds. Also the question makes me think of all those people who have no understanding of mental health issues, say snap out of it, and even tell us we chose/choose to be unwell when we are. i hope i made sense without souning nasty |
I was thinking of the HBO series "Six Feet Under" when Nate's girlfriend's brother (I cannot remember his name) was put in a psych. hospital and adm. electric shock treatments. Mind you this is HBO or Hollywood. In reality electric shock is still used today to help those who cannot be helped with western medicines. I never have received electric shock before. I know that there is a lot of research being done on magnitics and the Vegas Nerve Stimulator. |
Andrew, my dad's gf had ECT years ago due to major depression, when my sister was facing the possibility, she was reassuring my sister that it actually works.
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ok i soooo didn't mean for it to take on that meaning... i personally haven't done shock therapy... aside of what i accidently do at my job... i do play with electricity at work...
but i do have a few friends that have... and for them its worked quite well... jedi... yes i have tried to *shock* myself out of it... and most times i do succeed cause i start realizing what my brain is doing verses what is actually happening... believe me its taken a long time to learn that... and many many battles... |
I have often thought about shock therapy back in the days when I couldn't get out of bed. I also heard of this color therapy whereby the doctor inundates your eyes with color panels. Colors supposedly induce mood changes so if one received the color orange, for instance, it could induce peace or at least a cessation of anxiety. I did this in my head through visualization and it does work.
So far, the only drug that did not work for me was Paxil. I experienced the brain zap, which I call a lightning storm in my head. I literally "saw" the crevices in my brain light up like lightning. I woke up hysterical crying and had a hard time going back to sleep. Funny enough, for the next three days I felt an incredible ease up in the symptoms. I, too, despise when someone in my family tells me to "get over it" or "take a walk, you'll feel better." Shit! I couldn't even get out of bed at one time; how was I ever going to take a walk? Walking to the bathroom and back was a one hour process that involved every bit of strength I had. I live with depression now and have good days and bad moments. My partner has been incredibly patient -- sometimes she will slip and say something disparaging, but it's only her frustration and she's entitled to it. it can't be easy for her. Things have improved dramatically with medication and therapy. I have terrible short term memory, frequent vertigo and some sleepless nights. But I can get up, take a shower, go out for a drive, enjoy a movie, do a crossword puzzle and return to my writing. I thank the Universe for medications. I am also on SSD. I encourage all to apply. I also got a whopping settlement as I proved I have been disabled since 2001. I had to go to a lawyer to get it, but it was well worth it. If you have any questions, let me know! |
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Words tangle me up all the time. I even struggled with getting back online here. I had to have Jack, Medusa, and Linus help me. With that said, I say no worries. If we have to worry about what cards we are dealt with in life, and the medicines, doctors, treatment plans, and so on, the least we can do is help each other, and bend over to pick each other up when someone falls down. There isn't anything anyone has done or said that is not forgiveable. I forgive everyone every thing. At least I try too. Some things that are said or done to me, I just don't understand at all in all honesty. Including my bio-parents. I just pity them. They have missed out on what life is truely about. The simplicity of watching a child grow into a bride or groom. Or a garden being grown and eating the wonderful veggies in a salad. That to me is life. Andrew |
*big heavy sigh of relief* i am soooo glad no one takes offense to things said here... because sometimes... *shrugs* i'm not the best at communicating what i really want to say... or... it makes sense in my head the way i say it... but not others... i'm getting a little more comfortable here... because yes... i have been known to walk away from sites... and people... that either took offense or.. hell i don't know... and i really want to come back to the online life to a degree... just don't want to be judged ... or labeled having a mental illness so stay away... she's nuts... *sighs* just because i don't think like other people... doesn't mean i don't have feelings and understand.... my mind just plays tricks with it for awhile... eventually i straighten out... ok... i'm done spewing now... my apologies
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I was talking to a friend today for a long time who suffers from a serious mental illness. I was explaining about a period I went through where i was deeply depressed and even suicidal. It scared me how I could slip into that space and although no one that knew me would believe it, I damn sure did. Anyhow, I came out of it after a few years naturally and with a lot of work. But the point is that when I described my current emotions, needing more time for myself, free my spirit, etc. Hy said to me, "So what are you going to do about it?" These are power words. I climbed on my lawn tractor, mowing and deep thinking about those words and the effect they had on me. My personal conclusion is that want something different then I've got to do something different. Even with all the information I have on health, nutrition and holistic healing I still struggle. Why? well I am my own worse enemy and my healing is a daily process of action, meditation and learning not to beat myself up. What I do know is this... when I work really hard at what I eat, drink, sleep, etc. every fiber of my being starts to feel better. This is a fact. You have probably read all this shit before but I did some research: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases...1216130718.htm and what I believe http://www.foodforthebrain.org/conte...d_Content=1638 I knew a guy that was serious bipolar and depression. He was on meds and yet he consumed vast amounts of sugar and had the worse diet. No omegas and also did things that promoted more mental illness. It was just crazy. It's like one of those little wind up toys against a brick wall. It moves because that's the program but its going no where. It's like seeing someone that has type 2 diabetes taking insulin but still drinks a six pack of soda a day, eats chips and way too many carbs. Someone can give them the information and even show them examples of what happens to people- dying early, aging, amputation, blindness, etc. but for some reason it just doesn't click or stay constant. We all suffer from this but "What are we going to do about it?" My mom lives next to this woman that is younger then I am and in a wheelchair suffering from bipolar, diabetes and auto-immune disease. She takes so many fucking pills and every week she's at the doctor getting checked and more pills. She eats a quart of ice cream a day. I have never had a conversation with her where she didn't use her illnesses as a the highlight of the conversation. So what is she going to do about? Probably nothing. I am convinced that had it not been for my stubborn spirit I would have sunk into hell. In 52 years I never cried more then I did those 2 years. It's was one step at a time and sometimes I slipped backwards but I just had to keep taking them a little at a time. Drugs is not an option for me. Doctors are not an option for me. My way works for me and its working well. The advice I gave my sweet little friend was not to stop taking meds, even though they make hy feel bad and the side effects are awful, will shorten his life, BUT to start making small changes. Take some fish oil caps, cut back on sugar, get outside, play a bit, laugh and look for reasons to want you life to be better. You're an amazing humane being. Get to the core of that and do what I plan on doing every single day from this day forward- ask yourself when you dont feel good, when you ache, hurt, sad, mad, challenged "What are you going to do about it?" Then really think about it. Love |
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Thank you, i hope i didn't upset you. i guess i understand what you mean, there are times i know i'm heading for problems and then there are times i just am having problems, sadly i haven't figured out any ways to change my moods. |
Hi Andrew.
Interesting topic, electric shock therapy. Sounds so horrific but when done right in the right cases it can be really effective. You mention Vagus Nerve Stimulator - I too am following that closely. Meds seem to be working at the moment, and it seems to be used primarily when nothing else has worked at this point, but I wonder if it would work as well or better than meds and would mean I wouldn't have to go through the periodic med changes. Also wonder if it would avoid the side effects of depression meds - particularly reduced libido. Really amazing things happening for sure! Quote:
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Vagus Nerve Stim.
Did anyone watch the episode on TV about this? I think it was a Dateline special. A man was an utter wreck after his only son died (he was a soldier in Iraq I think). Well, he never could get over the grief. He ended up separated from his wife and lost his job, and everything in his life went out of control. He volunteered to be a test subject for the vagus nerve implant. Within hours of this device being turned on, he claims to have snapped out of his depression/grieving. He gave up all his meds & everything. Sachita, I am not bi-polar. I suffer from neurological based disorders that cause my depression and anxiety. My left temporal lobe is damaged. There is nothing that can be done to fix it. Once you have tbi (traumatic brain injury) you have it for life. What do I do about this? I seek out medical treatment of all kinds for relief. I have seizures, learning disabilities, and so on. I use my time to fill up with relationships that I value. It can be from volunteering, or playing badmitton with the kids in the neighborhood, or teaching the little guy next door how to throw a spiral football pass. What makes me sad? Reading and re-reading about everyone here. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to never have been dropped on my head at a day old. What would it be like to be labeled normal instead of as a wacko or nut case or constantly having people ask me if I am bi-polar. After a while I get tired of it. It isn't the sarcasm or the critisism others toss my way. I am used to it. They just don't get it. And that is ok. I am sad because I have to rely on others for help. I am not able to live alone. I am just me. I have my limitations and it isn't fun or a happy place to be. That is the selfish side of me. Those words you said...what are you going to do about it? are powerful words. Everyone should think that way. Namaste, Andrew |
Medication change...
I had a medication change...they gave me something to help me sleep so I don't find the need to drink so much. They think I need to give my liver a break. They ordered labs....to check my liver and thyroid and blood sugar. To be perfectly honest, I'm on a downward spiral. I'm trying to snap out of it and it doesn't seem to be happening. I find talking about it, which I have been doing, kinda helps. And I'm hopeful this won't last forever. It has to get better.
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Jedi you have to find your back from your downward spiral. I know how you feel. I use to medicate my symptoms with drugs...only when I gave them up did I find the strength and courage to heal. I went through a lot of med changes...and I did them without drugs or alcohol. It wasn't easy...but I knew it would get better. My dear friend please believe that it will get better. I will be thinking about you and sending you much love.
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I just wanted to drop in and see how everyone is doing. I have had a few really good days this week. I hope everyone has a great weekend...especially you Jedi. Hang in there buddy.
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well today was my official last day at work... i know i'm making the right choice and they are all supporting me in it... wishing i wasn't resigning and just taking a medical leave... its strange when you find out... how people you work with really feel about you...
my head is just spinning... so much to do between now and thursday night when my big Bro and sis get here to help me move... and sometimes its just so hard to stay on task... i get side tracked so easily... how the hell am i suppose to get anything done that way... or i get interupted and then... yeah there i go again... and forget... my memory sucks here lately... sad thing... i couldn't even remember if i had eaten lunch yesterday... i had to check my car... i remembered goin to taco bell... but i don't remember eating... *sighs*... sometimes i'm so afraid i'm goin to break before i can get up there... and be in an environment that... if that happens i know i'm safe and will be taken care of... but like i was tellin a friend... i'm allowing myself 2 weeks of nothing but break... i need to get my bearings and figure out what i'm doin... and if i take longer than that... i know i will lose it... and i can't... i just can't... i have to get on meds that actually WORK... this is insane... sometimes i would rather have nothing... but that's what got me here in the first place was being off of them for so long... *sighs*... geez why can't i be... ok i won't say normal.... but with a better degree of normality at least... ok i'm through venting some of the thoughts in my head now... *laughs* |
just stopping by to see how everyone is doing. i am having a good week. had a great session with my therapist today. she asked me if i would be interested in being the client liason to the board of directors. i am honored that she asked me to do it.
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TGIF!
Just a drive by hello. I hope everyone is doing well. :cigar2: |
just stopping by to say my move is complete i'm now relocated to Indiana!!!! now to start the rest of my journey.... hope all is well... as can be...
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