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The Mistress
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Lexus's in the garage not to mention the yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim ?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies |
Beverly Hills Cop:
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Two men were out playing golf when a funeral procession went past. One of the men took off his cap and bowed his head until the cortege passed. The other man said, "That was a decent gesture." The man replied, "It was the least I could do. She was a damned good wife to me."
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A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender asks, why the long face? :superfunny: |
punny as hell!
this string walks into a bar... hes all tangled up in the middle and his ends are just wakked outta shape...
he pulls up a stool and orders a beer... bartender says "sorry guy... but we dont serve string in here..." string says"... but... im not a string!" bartender gives him the once over and asks "oh... youre not a string eh??" string says... "nope... im a frayed knot!!" |
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. |
GOLFER AT THE DENTIST
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!' The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him.. |
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket... Suddenly the father shouted.... ‘ Ok Ok Ok I'll do the f****** dishes’!!! |
Donald and Daisy Duck Classic
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
Daisy asked, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said, "No." Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said as she pulled a box from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?" "Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!" http://dl5.glitter-graphics.net/pub/...toyqjnlptj.gif |
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I saw this on my FB wall and thought I'd share here
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"Well,he said,"we fill up a bath, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup & a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub, "Oh, I understand," I said."A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger."No" he said.A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window? |
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ' 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?' 'You dumber than buffalo shit. It tells me someone stole the tent'. |
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.' |
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.' And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!' She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.' The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.' You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?' 'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.' |
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you! Jennifer and I are just roommates." About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian" Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: "Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer,! I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom" LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!! |
My Hercules
Hercules is my baby boy and he is just like a child. The things he does some times is enough to shake my head and ask who is the boss here?.
Yesterday I locked him out of my room to go online for a while and when I open the door Oh BOY, He was laying on the couch with a guilty look on his face and the paper towels were every where in big and little pieces I mean every where. I just stood there and all I could say to myself was. " I guess he showed me not to do that again" I told him he was a Bad Boy !! But I could see that was his way of showing me how piss he was for me putting him out of the room. Seriously I will not do that again.. Now who is the boss?? LOL |
My Hercules
My hercules is my baby boy and he is just like a child. The things he does some times is enough to shake your head and ask who is the boss here?.
Yesterday I locked him out of my room to go online for a while and when I open the door Oh BOY, He was laying on the couch with a guilty look on his face and the paper towels were every where in big and little pieces I mean every where. I just stood there and all I could say to myself was. " I guess he showed me not to do that again" I told him he was a Bad Boy !! but I could see he was showing me how piss he was for me putting him out of the room. Seriously I will not do that again.. Now who is the boss?? LOL |
So sorry...it came from a relative and I didn't pick through them...thanks for deleting! :)
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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, Are all of those kids yours? He replied, No. I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints.
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A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were discussing how they should celebrate their big evening when the wife decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as their wedding night, eating at the dinner table naked and his wife agreed.
Later that night at the table the wife said, Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago. The husband replied, That’s because they’re sitting in your soup. |
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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One day in the cafeteria line Joe says to Mike " My elbow hurts like crazy . Guess I better go see a doctor "
" Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money " Mike says. "There 's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell whats wrong and what to do about it . It takes 10 seconds and costs $10 and is a lot cheaper " So Joe goes to Costco puts in $10 and his urine sample . Ten seconds later it ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water avoid heavy activity..It will improve in two weeks . thank you for shopping at Costco. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe thought he could fool the computer . He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,urine sample from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe goes back to Costco , puts in the $10 , pours in his concoction and waits for the results . The computer prints the following: 1.Your tapwater is too hard . Get a water softener (aisle9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Asile 7) 3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit . Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant .Twins .Not yours..Get a lawyer . 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself ,your elbow will never get any better . Thank you for shopping at Costco . |
~A Cup of Tea ~
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?" |
My girlfriends got a stalker, well she does'nt know she's my girlfriend yet.
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i guess that would be ok cuz the napkin wouldnt be the only thing laying limp on his lap Got to love a good laugh! |
Not making fun of dyslexia here!
Two dyslexics walk into a bank and yell, "air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"
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Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
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Special
Question to a friend.
If a girl texts you a lot, and jokes around with you and teases you, does it mean she likes you? There's a girl I like, and she texts me once every day, or once every other day. She's always joking around, and when we hang out, she flirts a LOT. But she acts like that around everyone, not just me. Do you think there's a chance she likes me? Answer Maybe Dude! Question And she never sends mass texts to me, because my phone tells me when people do, so I feel kinda special ;). She just sent me her picture. :tease:WoW. Answer Hey Dude , I just got this picture :tease:....uh oh |
Rapunzel
Sometimes I just make myself laugh at my own jokes.I just made this one up.
The fairest femme in all the land was Rapunzel or so it goes..She was sought after by many chivilrous butches via telephone and email, but her homophobe family always kept her locked in their castle, and the neighbors only saw her pretty face from afar. Finially,One day, a courageous butch made it to Rapunzel's place and yelled, "Rapunzel Hey Yo! Look at me, I'm just your type!" Then, THUD! Suddenly, in a flash, our hero was squashed and could'nt breathe or move! Then Rapunzel screamed, "OH SHYT! I was so excited, I lost my balance, and and my tits went down instead of my hair ! Somehow, our prince survived the tit-fall, she let down her drawbridge, and they live happily ever after. |
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
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Good one. LOL |
I went to buy some camouflage cargo shorts the other day but I couldn't find any
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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHH
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FAA at your service
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Ohhh!....This is such a good one that I am going to have to pass it on....Rofl...:) |
Stepping Stones
There are 3 guys in a boat. One guy says "Hey, I bet I can get out and walk across the water".
The two other guys are like "yeah right!" So the guy gets out and walks across the water to land. The second guy turns and says to the third "Well I bet I can do that too!" The third guy goes "Yeah right. Ain't no way in hell." So the second guy gets up and walks across the water to land. Now the third guy is baffled. He yells "Hey, how did y'all do that?" "Just get out and walk!" say the the two on land. So the guy gets up, steps overboard, and sinks right to the bottom. The two guys on land look at each other and one says "Hey, think we should have told him where the stepping stones were?" |
Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
Oh My, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? It's not unusual |
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