Yes the father was the issue and I don't recall my ex ever saying anything, just shrugging it off. I was taught not to say anything negative back and never did, ya know kept my feelings to myself most of the time or expressed them to my parents (who never said a word thank god) and I agree children of any age are not pawns.

It doesn't help when parents talk about other parents about potential mates.. Kids need to not hear that shit period... I wish you all luck..

Ain't that the truth and TY!

Yeah I grew up in this situation as well. My mom put the guys before me and my sister so I ended up taking care of my sister.

My ex used her daughter, who I became very close with, to try to hurt me. Unfortunately it worked. I wish I could have watched her grow up but I wasn't ready for what mom was ready for, I was a kid myself and I never got to see her again after we split. So I hope that doesn't happen to you or anyone else for that matter.

My apologies, I don't have any of the issues that you speak of so I will correct my statement. My children have always been able to sniff out phonies better than bloodhounds, especially my son who is my oldest. I'm sorry if my statement didn't apply to you.

Dating with children is very difficult.There is a fine line to walk.I always wanted my kids to respect my partner and listen to both of us but I found my kids began to get resentful when my partner would step in and try to discipline them.Then we tried to have only myself deal with behavior issues and that was not easy either but it seemed to work out much better.When one of the kids would act up my partner would tell me about whatever the situation was and then I would speak to the boys and determine the punishment.

I also agree that the age the children are depends on how easily the adjustment is.My kids were ten and four when my partner and I got together.My ten year old blamed my partner for the breakup of my marriage(this wasn't true but he believed it)so he already held a grudge so he was very sensative.My younger son was only four so he was much more open to my partner and listend a whole lot better.

Thank you for everyone who has responded I am glad to see positive discussion and am looking forward to more posts.

Rules for surviving life with a partner who has a kid
 

Interesting thread. I have 3 kids who are awesome! My ex seems to be more drawn to the kids than he ever was to me. Yes, they are that awesome. When I mention to women that I have young kids, they recoil a bit. After they meet them, they relax and enjoy their silly, charming nature. My kids are very much like me. I am kid at heart. But I usually am in adult mode when I am with them since they need guidance and focus.
I've had to distance myself from women who want kids and try to grasp for my kids. It just doesn't seem healthy to over emote around kids that you are meeting for the first time. It's great to like kids and want a GF who has them. But...
Every mother is different. But my kids come first, always. Period. They are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep (well, one of the last things). They spend 1/2 the week with their father so I have alone time and get to recharge my batteries. I'm single and have time to date (however, there are no local women I would like to date). I suspect that women believe 3 kids would take all my time and leave them out in the cold. Even though my kids come first, this isn't true. I've always wanted sex more than my lovers did and being present in a relationship has never been my issue.
Being a mother has opened my heart, life and spirit in unimagined ways. My patience, listening skills, compassion, nurturing, intuitive skills, etc. all have heightened and made me a better partner. Of course it isn't easy. The feminine brain sure comes in handy (E increases multi-tasking, assessment, reading body language and other skills) and it kick into overdrive when the kids are with me. Being a mother has made me even more womanly (femme).
Now if I could only find a hot butch...

Mariamma, I don't think having kids will slow down your dating prospects; not in the least. In fact, I think butch women are somewhat mesmerized by women with children; you seem savvy to the suspect as well as genuine kinds of interest that being a mother can elicit in a single butch. I wish you all the best, moving forward. IslandScout

Could you explain what you mean by the part I bolded? I will withhold comment until I understand what you mean.

Why yes, I am dating a woman with amazing children. When I spent my first weekend with my kitten, I was a bit worried about her boys' acceptance and understanding of me. Prior to meeting me, kitten's dating history had been with cis-men. In addition to that, she hadn't brought home a man in years because her children are her most prized, cherished and protected loves in her life. So it was a very big moment for us both. We had spoken on the phone so there was some connection and interaction between us.

She arranged for the boys to spend the first night with family so that she and I may have some privacy. However, the next day we were up early and headed out to pick them up. I remember us pulling up and seeing them playing in the yard just rough housing like boys do. We stepped out of the car and as I shut my door they turned to see us. And they both came running towards me and greeted me by calling my name out and giving me huge hugs... as in running towards me and both boys jumping on me... chuckles.

It was an absolutely amazing feeling, I could not help but glance over at my kitten and smile. Which only warmed my heart further by seeing the bright smile on her face.

The boys have accepted me fully, which is amazing given the fact that they were eleven and nine years old when I came into their lives. They address me as he and "the man of the house" when I am there. The connection we have is rather wonderful and truly a gift. I have always been family oriented, I have a very good relationship with my family. Of course, this has resulted in my desire to have a family of my own, and my kitten's open invitation into her life along with the boys' open hearts has truly made me feel as though I was welcomed home. The boys are now thirteen and twelve and the connection has not wavered. As a matter of fact, the relationship with the oldest has grown stronger. I have a different relationship with each one due to their very different personalities yet I love them unconditionally. Last time I was there, kitten was preparing dinner and noticed none of us where to be found. Only to find the three of us in their bedroom playing video games... chuckles.

It is amazing to come into a family and be welcomed. However there are certain struggles and obstacles that you must consider when doing so. As Lady Snow mentioned on the first page - first and foremost you need to be certain that you like children and want them in your life. Otherwise, don't bother. Ultimately you are not only going to hurt the lady but the children as well. The second thing I feel is incredibly important is sharing the same philosophies in life and the same ideas when it comes to raising children. Otherwise, there will be times when you may ultimately feel like an outsider when you believe the children should be disciplined (or not) and their mother feels differently. Ultimately, they are her children, and that is a line I would never overstep.

And another big thing to always keep in mind is the fact that you will not come before the children, nor should you even try to. In my opinion anyway. Were I to meet a woman who put me before her children I would lose interest immediately.

Such has been my experience and my thoughts on the matter.

Thank you, Daddy. (DeviantDaddy)

Everything he said is so very true. But I'd like to point out a few details that the 'story' can't possibly include given to the nature of the way my children were raised.

For one, my children were raised with a lesbian grandmother, in a 12 year marriage with her wife. So this is something fairly 'normal' for my children to be around, in a long term manner.

For two, despite the way I was raised by my mother, and what myself and my children have learned to accept given that situation, I have taken a very constant and active role, even before I entered into this relationship, with raising my children to accept people for who they are inside, and not outside.

Even having never been around transgenders before, I had raised my children with such morals and understanding, that they did, accept my lover with open arms, and even with full understanding of who he is, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Even to this day, to them he is 'he'. My oldest son, is always full of so much piss and vinegar, actually passes off the 'man of the house' title to Daddy. Even knowing that physically he is female. He accepts Daddy for who he is.

But the point I am getting to, is I don't want everyone to think this is the norm. Look at how children treat adults, other children, who are a bit overweight, or not as pretty, or not available to have the best clothes? This is a very rare mentality for children to possess. I am so very grateful I was able to instill it into my own.

You need to speak to her at length. How do her children feel? Do they even know or will this be a surprise? How accepting are they when they see gays or lesbians out in public? How accepting are they of other children?

A child who would point and laugh at another child, their peer, without any 'queer'ness about them, is not a child with enough understanding to handle this sort of situation, in my honest opinion.

So these things need to be addressed, for your, hers, and their well-being. And if they do come up with negative indicators, that still is not the end all be all. Hopefully she can teach them to be accepting, and it will be something they carry with them for the rest of their lives.

I wish you the very very best.

Originally Posted by IslandScout
Mariamma, I don't think having kids will slow down your dating prospects; not in the least. In fact, I think butch women are somewhat mesmerized by women with children; you seem savvy to the suspect as well as genuine kinds of interest that being a mother can elicit in a single butch. I wish you all the best, moving forward. IslandScout


Could you explain what you mean by the part I bolded? I will withhold comment until I understand what you mean. (Mariamma)

First, forgive me if I've spelled your name wrong; I keep going back and forth and losing the copied part to paste but now that it's there I want to keep going and not risk losing it again so I'm writing your name from memory.

I just meant, it's cute how butches idealize "mommies" but then the real "mom" is a person they get to know over time and while they might still idealize her, it's for reasons that are unique to her and their feelings are more "genuine."

I don't know why I got into that one, I don't know what the "f" I'm talking about, I do live with a mom but our dynamic is totally unrelated to what I'm alluding to.

I will now cede the floor to those who DO know what they're talking about...

Thanks,
IslandScout

It was me that asked for clarification. I'm in disagreement with your assessment of butches and women who have children. What you describe has certainly never been my experience for a number of reasons.

I am not now, nor have I ever been mesmerized by mothers and motherhood. I also have never idealized motherhood. I have a very clear picture about motherhood and I made a conscious choice to not give birth.

I also don't believe any of my butch friends have had those feelings, particularly the ones who are mothers. I know plenty of butch folk who are mothers. As a matter of fact, a butch in my chosen family just gave birth in the last month.

Both the original post and your clarification just seem to trivialize how a butch may or may not interact with a potential dating partner who has children and suggests that children can be used to attract some poor unsuspecting butch who will be dazzled first by the kids and at some later point will get to know the mother and have 'genuine' feelings (all my feelings are genuine). It also reduces the mother in question to be a mother and trivializes the totality of who she is as a human being.

As to dating a femme with children. I have dated and lived with women with children (both kids and adult children). At my age I am not interested in raising a family. Grandkids however are an entirely different thing......you bet grandkids....spoil them and then send them home to mommy.

Well, I've definitely seen mommie-infatuation, heard it expressed in words, but obviously that does not reflect your experience and I so sincerely apologize if I generalized on too narrow a base of evidence and didn't take into account other possible views. That wasn't well advised and I'll be more conscious in future of what I'm saying.

Thanks for sharing your point of view. When I was a femme, and single, I would have liked to have met you!

The only reason I don't date women with kids is because I am young and not looking for a long term relationship. I would feel bad if her kids recognised me as their dad and I wasn't wanting to stick around for life. That would be unfair to them.

I suppose if I were older and wanting an LTR and the kids and I got along well and the whole packaged deal worked well I would be all for it.

Some people may find this selfish but you know what? It is actually great that you are able to recognize this in yourself and simply accept that it isn't what you are looking for at this time.

Good for you.

I suppose some people might.

But dating someone who is a mother to small children can be complicated and one must consider the whole situation. The saftey and well being of the children should be first and foremost. So in a case where would not be around long term and would not be a father figure the children it is not a good idea if they are too young to comprehend that.

I'm wondering, what is it about moms, that you find so sexy?

This thread has so many thoughtful responses. I am learning much by reading through it. Thank you for providing honest answers and opening to share experiences.

I am the mom of a kiddo at home, just now 6 years. I took nearly 3 years off from dating when my daughter was little (between the end of a relationship and starting to date again). It was tricky to get back into dating. The last time I had she wasn't there and this meant a whole new level of planning and changed what I was looking for.

I've made mistakes when not clear about who I was a mom dating. The biggest was accepting someone's assertion that they wanted a family without leading the discussion about what that meant practically day to day with a young child. I let the cozy dreams be enough. What I did question was not responded to thoughtfully and that should have been a clue to me. My child was intentional and thoughtfully planned. I learned to extend "our" to welcome those that can honor that.

I have made wonderful friends who for whom dating didn't work for but in their respect for my daughter and I's relationship have earned them a welcome spot at our table any day. Treasured friends for sure. In the end when I keep dating private and respectful friendships shared I know my daughter sees the place of friends in our lives. She also has learned a broader understanding of girl/boy presentations. I am grateful again to friends who are themselves, answer blunt little kid questions and let me explain further.

These days I get to be be in love for myself and let the relationship between my dear ones develop in it's own time. I've learned my relationship between myself and my gy can grow at a pace different than the getting to know that happens between my daughter and my gy. I know this seems so obvious they spend much less time together than my gy and I do. Much less time talking. In the past I was thinking we all needed to develop at the same speed. Now we let each develop in time.

Time gives me a chance to watch thoughtfully and protectively for how my daughter responds. At 6 she is a child, but her words and actions are telling. I do not dismiss them as childish I look for stress and respond. Am I thrilled in her moments of trust? Of course and those aren't the only moments I attend to. I am grateful that hy understands this isn't judging hym but being a mom.

I have. I would, again. or not depends on how the rest of my life goes?


:praying:

Children are the most cherised people in the world. It is very important that people understand that when entering into a relationship with someone that has kids. I think its important to distinguish the difference and be honest with your children when you are going to introduce your kids to a date, mate, or even friend. Kids are affected more than you think by people in their lives.

I have a fifteen year old daughter. I have been introducing her to friends and gfs since she was about six.
I was with a woman that had a daughter about the same age. The kids fought like sisters.. They still very much keep in contact and call each other sister. They have alot of love for each other to this day. I was with another lady that was raising her niece. .another teenager. I found out how to live with girls.. Lol! And how sometimes they just all need their own space and quiet time. No doubt I was the man of the house but sometimes I was outnumbered. He he. .
I've also dated a lady with two sons. I've always wanted a son or more kids unfortunately that relationship didn't Last and I didn't move in with them.

This past year I met a lady that had teens. I found it Very odd that our first get together involved her kids. I was clueless what she wanted with me,a friendship is what we had. We had talked about more possibly? I did mention if she was comfortable with me meeting her kids already. She said it was fine. Needless to say I had more fun, conversed and interacted with her kids more than her and we haven't spoken again since that date. I felt more sorry for the kids than anything.:/

I think there has to be a mutual respect. It doesn't matter if you are the older one, kids need to be respected just as adults do. they learn this from you. They can learn alot and grow up to be great people by what you instill in them. I do believe in parenting and if I have a serious committed relationship I want my mate to be a parent figure with my daughter as I also wish to be with her children. I still to this day get along and have good relationships with children of past relationships. I believe in being a parent, authoritive, having rules, consequences of breaking rules, teaching and learning and also being a friend they can trust and knowing they have someone they can go to when they are in trouble, need advice and someone to turn to for answers. I believe in alone and date time with your mate and also family time and alone time with your kids. I may be the only one that disagrees that kids come first. I think I know what you all are trying to say however when I am in a relationship my partner and child both come first in different ways. They are both Very special to me in their own ways and know that.

I will answer this from my own perspective. I never felt sexier in my life than I did with an 9 month baby belly in stretch lace. There was something to pregnancy that unleashed the woman in me and left me no longer a girl. Something changed inside. I am more confident now, stretch marks and saggy bits, than I ever was when my body was "perfect' to mainstream society.

Yes, different relationships grow at different paces and with different significance. It doesn't mean the love and acceptance aren't just as deep seated in the heart. Some things can't be rushed and it isn't always up to the adult to determine the pace. Children are much wiser than given credit for. The young ones have a natural instict to determine who is safe and who isn't... allow them to make this realization in a healthy manner and in their time, in their understanding and with loving adult guidence.

I look forward to growing with both of these relationships at their own pace and in thier own way. I love to watch a mother and child bond (I have three of my own). None of them are the same... like snowflakes, all are different, unique and precious in their own way. I also enjoy creating a seperate bond with her child, one that all three of us can appreciate and feel safe in. Bring on the moments yet to come and let's cherish those we have already created...

I think it is different every time. I have been in a long on and off relationship but I try to keep the door open between my kids and my partner. It took them many years to develop a bond as my kids were very resentful at first. They felt like it was my partners fault that I was no longer with their Dad.The reality was it had nothing to do with my partner but they were young and didn't understand. As they have gotten older they built up trust with my partner but it was a long and bumpy road.

Someone needs to snatch you up right quick, G!!! You are a gem! (f)

I've dated women with kids, and I'd totally do it again. I like kids - but I tend to spoil them....

I have 3 kids and I am with someone who has 2 kids. We each have our kids half of the time and have arranged so our kids have opposite schedules, i.e. when her kids are with us, mine are with their other parent, visa versa. They overlap about once or twice a month. We love that we both have kids. It makes it easier to understand that to each of us, our kids come first. We have similar parenting styles that fit really well together.

When we first started dating, we waited about 4 months before we met each others kids. We felt like it was really important to wait to see how serious we were with each other before we brought the kids in the equation. I would never have my kids meet someone who I wasn't serious about.

We are getting ready to make the move in together. I have been at her house when my kids are with their dad and she has been at my house when her kids are with their mom, so we have basically been cooexisting together for a little while without actually living full time in the same house.

The one thing that is always important to me is that our kids are first to each of us. If it's not, that's absolutley a deal breaker.

I'm a mom of a great (almost) 15 year old boy, and I stayed single until he was 13...primarily because I didn't trust my own judgment on the safety and suitability of any step-parent I would bring into his life.

Contrary to the common wisdom that says "don't introduce your kids to your partner until you're serious", I would never recommend getting "serious" with someone before bringing them into your child's life....at least enough to see how they interacted in the course of normal daily (sometimes challenging) life. That means more than a weekend....more than a trip to an amusement park. It means getting ready for school, haggling over homework, family dinner, and preferably some normal types of outings. People have different parenting styles, and blending families is far more difficult than most people want to admit.

It's easy to look through the rose-colored glasses of love (or lust) and think everything will be fine. But, no matter how much a potential partner loves their child, their former partner's child, their neice, their nephew, or their grandchild....it's no guarantee that they're going to love yours, or that your parenting styles won't clash.