...I don't get angry at just anyone :superfunny:

Good to know, but I think I'll still be wary Sunday :P

Hmmm, how to explain.

If it's my mother or my son, I yell. There is something about their personalities that makes my blood boil and I blow - like dropping nitro - boom!

At work.......I get super, super quiet. But I tend to have a bite to any comments I make for several hours. If pushed continually, I snap at them, and then leave so that I can cry. I always cry after I get mad, always!

Other people, I just shut up! I get super, super quiet and back off!

In a relationship, I tend to panic and get away from the situation as fast as possible until I "deem" it safe to return.

I guess I am a complicated person sometimes.....sigh. :blink:

i prefer to be left alone until i can get things under control....sadly most ppl wanna just keep pushing and pushing til i lose my damn mind...yelling and screaming...storming off,slamming doors....its not a pretty site!

More often than not I keep it to myself, and fume/huff/zone out while I cope with it.

Some things I need to hash over in my mind, others I will keep quiet but still continue with the hostile vibes.. very rarely do I come right out at that instant and bring it to the forefront. I stay quiet because I have to look it over and see, is it me and my mood today? Or was it something the other person should not have done?

Today is a good example. I woke up on the 'wrong side' of the bed + cramps + sore body from working out = grumpy bitch. Anything that I can ignore on a good day set me off in an instant. Loud/repetitive noises really grind on me and there are cases where I put on headphones or go in another room and read to try and curb my moodiness.

I think we all need our own "re-charge time", and if I spend all my time doing stuff without the occasional day in, pajama's, no need to go anywhere, I get frazzled. Eventually it builds until I snap :|

I don't want to speak entirely for my partner but I will say that hy has a temper, and when hy snaps hy gets loud. I do not respond well to people who do - I instantly shut down and look for the closest escape..however, there are the few instances where I get snarky passive-aggressive.. I will have to mull over it to see why there are the differences. :|

:)
 

I find the best way is to just say " honey I'm going to mow the grass and weed eat " that away I can mumble while the noise from the mower and weed eater drowns out what I mumble :) its a win win scenerio bc its thinking time for both girl and boi or boy . Boi or boy gets to sweat some energy . Girl gets to do whatever she does ( calls someone probably or turn on tlc or paints nails " I don't know I'm kidding there " ) but then when all is tame , then hopefully some loving gets done to make up - RNguy

Hijacking my own thread 'cause I need somewhere to vent about the crazy.........
-----------------------------------

Just the facts:
In our home there are 2 bathrooms. Mine, which is the larger one that stays generally clean and presentable for company. And Hers, which is off the bedroom and I don't set foot in because she lives like a bachelor.

Set scene:
I'm on the couch, in pain with stomach cramps, doped up on percoset... I've been this way for 3 days. I'm in pain. I'm stoned. I'm one pitiful gal. Hair ain't been washed. Same PJs as I put on when I got home from the ER 2 days earlier, which is where I got the Percoset. I'm asleep. OK, more like comatose. I only wake up to dash to the bathroom. You see, I spent time at the ER in agony with stomach cramps because of stomach ulcers from stress. (Me? Stressed? Imagine that...) On top of that, the recent visit with family brought me into contact with my adorable, germ-toting nephews. So there's the scene. Pitiful, ulcer-having, stomach-bug sick me, on the couch, in a drug-induced coma....

Enter Significant Other:
Speaking in loud, short words as if she's ranting to an idiot child..... "IF YOU USE ALL OF THE TOILET PAPER YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO OPEN A NEW PACK AND PUT A NEW ROLL ON THE STAND. IT'S IN THE CLOSET. IN CASE YOU WEREN'T AWARE OF WHERE WE KEEP THE TOILET PAPER." *stomps off, (supposedly to now put the toilet paper on the fancy TP rack in MY bathroom... you know, the germ-infested room of doom that she never otherwise uses until today...)*

It took me a full 2 or 3 minutes to process what had just happened. And then I rolled over and closed my eyes again to endure more stomach cramps.

A few hours later I pointed out that she was a jerk. She grudgingly apologized for waking me up but continued to assert that she had cause to complain. (Huh?!)

:seeingstars:

Its best to say nothing in anger,,,if you happen to find yourself there one day,,, walk away,,,keep your dignity and self respect,,, you can always say it later,,, but you cant take words back once theyre said

Loudly. And I annunciate well in order that the listener may understand my words. Honestly, if I get to that point, you better make sure to listen well. If not, you might want to put some distance between us.

I work hard to verbalize how I am feeling and to be thoughtful about it. I can be reactive and do know this about myself so I am always paying attention to how I feel and to make sure I don't respond out of anger.

It makes it so much easier to have a partner that actually listens, evaluates what I have to say and does not become defensive.

When both involved do that, without defensiveness, resolution can occur and everyone feels heard.

I never hit below the belt, have power struggles or use knowlege of vulnerabilities as a weapon. That kind of ugliness will surely destroy a relationship and can never be forgiven.

Compromise is everything in a functional and loving relationship to me.

I don't deal well with anger....not my own, and especially not that of others.

I can and will talk about anything...and I'm one that likes to actually understand and resolve and talk out an issue. For me, walking away and coming back to say all is fine....isn't fine...because nothing has been understood or resolved.

I will only scream and shout when I feel cornered or attacked. Generally, even when mad, I prefer to talk...although, if I'm really angry (or hurt) I will also be crying at the same time.

Now....when I'm angry at life, rather than a person....watch out. I have a mouth like a sailor, and have been known to raise a dinner plate over my head and launch it at the floor as hard as possible. :blink:

I used to swear by this, but as I get older and more in touch with the me that happens to process anger/issues/drama differently...I've come to accept that sometimes it's OK to go to bed angry.

When someone roars at me in anger (which really ever happens) I will 99.999% of the time retreat. It triggers old shit in my brain that signals a fight or flight response and only when physically threatened will I fight. My secondary response to being over-stimulated in such a manner is bizarre, but again, it's just me and I've come to accept it. I get very, VERY sleepy. I become like a little newborn who goes to sleep once you step foot into a busy grocery store. My brain just powers down and literally shuts off.

So, when things get heated I have learned that I need a little time and space before my brain can wrap itself around the situation. Otherwise, you'll find me curled up on the floor or in bed sound asleep.

If I get mad, I go for a walk. It always helps. (w)

This is such an interesting thread. Anger is one of those things that for me, is not an emotion by itself, rather the combination of other emotions. Usually, based in some sort of fear and combined with something else. If I am angry, really angry, I get quiet. I am one of those people that doesn't act on it. Luckily, it's rare that I ever get angry about something.

No good ever comes from a place of anger. Being heated or upset is a different story. Actual anger is more of a demon where rational thought is lost. The older I get, the more I see everything as choices and feel less need for discussion. Normally, I am likely to say what I'm thinking right at the moment that I feel it. Not always such a great idea generally. In that moment though, it's what I happened to think. In anger, that would be the worst thing to ever do. There are times that not speaking is far better than talking things through. And I'm fond of just letting things go. Sometimes, you both just really had a bad day and it wasn't more or less or something to be read into.

When I feel the need to talk things through, because I like to analyze behavior, I generally need to cut that out. lol. No matter what I'm feeling, the best thing for me is to get quiet and sort myself out internally. When I am attempting (in a relationship) to get another person to talk to me, it's usually because I want to hear what they're thinking and change it to suit me. It's a control issue, not a discussion. One that keeps the focus off of me, where it should be. I spent several years with someone who was unable (which is different than unwilling) to discuss or process feelings at all. What I discovered was that it didn't matter. Honestly, how we feel at one moment can be entirely different then how we are going to feel tomorrow at the exact same time. Sleep alone changes things. I usually know (thank you therapy) immediately what I'm feeling and the best way for ME to process that. Everyone is different. My thinking that people process like I do isn't fair or true.

Anger is also fleeting. A feeling that passes, like all other feelings, AS LONG AS, I don't act on it. Unlike other feelings, it's one that by acting on it, will create more feelings. It's easy to go from a dust storm to a tornado and not know how you got there. I stop it when the dust starts to rise. It's not complicated for me. I just cut it out and don't go there. I can shut down completely. I have control over that today, that ability to chose when and where, which some people think is a bad thing. Not me. It also means that I can see it when it happens in someone else. For me, the worst thing is to be crowded. The more pressure, the more likely I'll withdraw. Most of us come around if we're left a lone for a while.

It's funny because I will say things like "I'm so mad right now," or "I hate this," or "This pisses me off," but only when I'm not angry, just upset. If I was angry someone would likely never know. Anger in myself is a place I take seriously. I talk in extremes generally because that is how I learned to talk, my feelings are not that way. I generally say "I hate" a lot which for some people is one of those words that is reserved for the lowest of the lowest of the lowest of everything. I use it to signify a more general dislike of something. As in, "I hate lemon meringue pie." (true story)

I get quiet. I dont yell unless I have to. I like to take the time to think my thoughts thru then I'll tell you why I'm mad.

Walk away
 

Sometimes people can say things they regret when so angry your mouth over rules your brain. But, I deal with it by just walking away and thinking before saying the wrong thing. There are ways to communicate if you think before screaming out hurtful words. Words are powerful and you can't take back what you say to love ones but can be forgiven.)

generations similarities?
 

Hello Leigh,

That must be so difficult dealing with your father who's the only one who can be angry and no one else can...

What was your grandparents like, any similarities to how your father treats you all?

Some times I've notice how behaviors happens from one generation to another...

Have you notice this or is your father behavior he's the only one you know of with all your realitives...

Sue

healthy place to validate
 

That is so true about finding that validation from any healthy place can help...

Some times I've notice its not always easy to find that healthy place to validate, especially if ones anger is stem from an extreme unique situation...

Also timing too, meaning how long does it take to find this healthy place to validate.

Have you ever been in that situation where you either couldn't find that healthy place to validate, and or if you thought you found this place, were you ever not understood?

Sue

I think we all have at least one or two successful parts of our lives to focus on, when a bad relationship or some situation with a lot of destructive anger is threatening our state of mind.

I'm lucky to have a lot of external validation for my writing. I write web articles for a living, and my fine arts writing is well published and awarded. When I'm spiraling into depression because of anger I either can't express or feel (wrongly, of course), that I can't escape, I go back to my writing, and put myself in places where it will be validated, which makes ME feel validated.

So no, I guess I've never been in the situation you describe of not being able to find a healthy place in which to find validation, when stuck in an unhealthy dynamic of some sort. At least not in the last several years. In fact I literally write my way out of most crises.

there so many ways and situations we can become angry in ..in work or a buisness situation i become very porfessional and articulate every word, at home w/ family i sat what i have to say and walk away .. w. my grandson i talk to him .. w. a lover . i get a bit fresh then I refrain .. till i'm not mad anymore.

Writing
 

My reaction to anger depends on the situation. I can get hurt very easily. I also have a lot of difficulty understanding verbal instructions and certain social cues so I get confused and frustrated a lot. This can make communication difficult. I'm definitely a screamer if I get triggered so if I really want to help resolve an issue, I need to write down how I feel and communicate via letter or nothing I say will make sense and I won't understand anything the other person is saying either.

irritation, etc I keep my calm. Actual anger? I get defensive, upset, and more than likely cry. I don't do anger well. It's not something I experience much and never for long. but when I do feel pushed into anger, it's usually from feeling cornered, misunderstood and ignored. then I freak out usually by speaking very loudly and crying. I panic.

If it's really bad anger I go absolutely quiet.

If my brain explodes into a rage I either shriek at them incomprehensively or I turn and leave.

It really depends on who is making me angry though. My detached wife gets the defensive snot tone... then the icy silence... then the crying... then I lose it and start shrieking. She's finally learning to leave me alone at the icy silence stage, five years on...

I tend to be calmer and give more thought to my words so that I'm clearly understood. Shouting and screaming never helps any situation.:byebye:


Duchess

There has been nobody who angers me much in a long time anyway. My kids are the only ones who I could potentially yell at, but that's so damaging to kids so I don't. If my 7-year-old won't listen to me I remove his favorite things from his room or tell him what the punishment is and that's usually effective. That's life when you have children. My anger is probably visible, but relatively calm. Even if someone is yelling at me, I walk away. If I express anger it comes out in snarky, bitchy or sarcastic comments, I may smirk and be silent or cry depending on the situation and sometimes I don't even realize what I'm doing until it's been done. I guess you could call it passive-aggressive. It's not constructive but that's what I do. I wish I could say I communicate my anger well, but like Gemme, my role models were not good. My background is also Italian/Latin and it's true that there is a tendency toward very 'passionate' expression in those cultures. I personally was screamed at constantly as a kid, but I was very withdrawn and didn't fight back very often. I'm jumpy and sensitive and I overreact all the time, but I let out anger very slowly. My passion is expressed in the bedroom instead. :sunglass:

Some people won't even analyze or be honest with themselves and have no desire to improve, but nobody is perfect and the first step, I think, is a willingness to admit that no matter how old we get we all need to grow and evolve and never think we're done changing .

Hmmm.....
 

When I am truly angry...dark, blood red angry...I speak very softly....sort of through my teeth actually. You don't want to be around me or hear that tone....it happens seldom....very seldom....

I have noticed that when I am not living true to myself....when I am doing something that isn't right for me but I do it to please someone else, or just do it to get it over with...I can only lie to myself for so long then I explode....unfortunately, it is often directed at the wrong person...it should be directed at myself.....it has caused some problems these last few years.....I have found that physical activity helps......breaking 2x4's over boulders is great....lol.....some friends of mine suggest throwing raw eggs against a wall as hard as you can.

I have become ...over the last few years....a "yeller"...it isn't becoming OR productive...I've made some changes now that should aleviate a lot of what was causng me anger so....onward & upward, right?

I am not one to get angry very often but if I do, I become very quiet and will most likely remove myself from the situation and say I can't talk at that moment and go somewhere and cry. Once I have composed myself I will talk with the person, speaking deliberately so they hear what I am saying and I in turn will listen and hear what it is they have to say.

The likelihood that I will get that angry is very slim as I am a communicator and like to address things before they reach the boiling point, so my calm easy manner serves me well.

In my family, anger was never taught or modelled as being a healthy expression of how one felt.

I think this was especially true for the women in my family (three daughters--one brother--who was the oldest). Aggression (unfortunately, even physical) was sometimes ok for my dad and my brother, but I was one of the only one of the daughters of three, who ranted and raged as a teenager and fought the perceived injustices of my family. I actually think my *acting out* was better than one sister who, I think, internalized all her anger at certain aspects of our childhood and was fraught with eating disorders and a severe depression.

I still am dealing with the ramifications of being *that* middle child who rebelled. I think that teenage rebellion was, in part, being so frustrated, so angry, that there was no healthy means of communication to express any emotions about shit that happened in our family.


Every vulnerable emotion in my family was tight -- emotions under wrap (love or anger or hurt) -- especially as something as vulnerable and revealing as expressing anger. There were a lot of silences, unspoken words and tension in my childhood household.

Unfortunately, not having any ways to express anger, as a child, manifests into now avoiding this emotion whereby I sometimes suppress it or it comes out at random times in ways that are not accessible to a partner. I have, in the past, chosen someone whose anger is greater than mine (about life or whatever). It is easier for me to deal with theirs so I don't have to face mine anymore? Usually, I will choose to be with someone where I KNOW it will be really peaceful--whether they have anger or not--we both know to be mostly calm and no explosions and find ways to work around the usual anger stuff that comes up in relos.

So, getting back to the question--umm. I don't yell. I withdraw. Sometimes too much. But, sometimes, I need just a bit of space and secretly hope they come back to me and ask me about stuff and make sure I'm alright. That sounds a bit selfish. If they don't do that, I usually always crawl out of my hole and find a way to talk about it.

I DID NOT SAY THAT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M YELLING. NO I'M NOT!



That's The Gist Of It,
Brute.

Ahem.... I will be the FIRST to admit that I don't communicate well when I am angry. I blame my DNA. I am Irish, French and Italian....all bad tempers. When I am angry I need to process. That typically means I need to remove myself from the situation and settle things in my mind before I open my mouth. That works best for me since I do tend to bring out the big verbal guns when I'm upset. Giving myself time and distance gives me the chance to figure out what's REALLY bothering me. Chances are it's not even the situation at hand. That's why percolating is soo important.

Kind of depends on who/what I'm angry with.

I'm not quick to anger, that's for sure.

My natural first approach is to communicate what has made me angry, why, and what I would like to see happen about it- or communicate the problem and see (if there is another direct person involved) what they have in response. End goal being peaceful resolution.

If they get defensive/yell- I let it be known I won't communicate like that and ask for the situation to be revisited when a rational discussion can happen.

If it's a situation with a person trying to provoke anger in me, I've learned to practice non-reaction. Which is hard because I might be reacting strongly inside but have made the choice not to feed the fire when it's just someone who is feeling a need to argue with me.

If it's an external situation over which I have no power, I remind myself that it's not a situation over which I have control and work toward accepting it and deciding how I will let it impact me.

LOL
 

Great answer ^5....LOL

I grit my teeth and spit out words. That is if I'm REALY angry.

I so rarely get angry that I don't really know my angry communication style.

LOL!! I have been told I turn into a sailor. I curse a lot anyway but I guess when I'm really mad, I come up with some doozeys.

Interesting thread.

PS...I've also been told that i get this really small smile. The Brutal One does NOT like this smile.

OMG I sound so pompous LOL I'm really not.

Wow, I was in such a bad place when I wrote that post. I've moved since then, gotten out of a situation that was destroying me. I really was fighting for my self esteem and sense of value and hope back then. Now I realize it was there all along.