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Sometimes, when I get a massage for example, its like trauma is stored in my muscles? I know that sounds weird. Or something stressful will trigger me, like the holidays. I have been having this newish thing done call Brain Spotting. it seems to be helping. Something to think about. I sort of stutter, when I was a kid, my father would threaten me or hit me when I stuttered, so now I have weird pauses to keep from stuttering. I pretend I can't think of the right word to say. I have been having a hard time so far this year too. Lot's of old stuff coming up. When I get spun out electrical stuff does not work around me, stuff jumps off walls, once a sword jumped off a shelf and stabbed into the floor straight up (the day I was on the way to the hospital for my hysterectomy). I check things over and over....I am way hyper vigilant, way high startle response...zero affect. Anyway, thank you all for sharing. Thinking about you all and hoping things ease up. |
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However, I believe that....while the brain can learn to protect and forgive and, if needed, forget....the body cannot. The body cannot forget the things done to it. For example, raised hands ellicit cringes or muscle tightening at least, even years after the last time that body was struck. I don't think it's a bad thing, as it is a learned response to keep us safe, but it definitely can mess with someone....especially when we think we've had things under control and then something happens to remind us that we're not as in control as we thought. *sigh* |
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unworthy of love
Throughout my life, I have actually ached physically to be loved by someone who loved me 'unconditionally'(whatever that means!). Everytime I have 'found' love, I have tested (challenged) that the person did indeed love me. If they did meet the 'test', I felt extreme anxiety that they would soon find me out (that I wasn't the 'wonderful' person they thought I was). I 'knew' they would evenutally see for theirself and leave me. So, I 'worn' them down until they finally did leave. If they didn't meet the 'test', I would leave.
Either way this would feed into my feeling of not being worthy! It has only been recently, that I have come to realize that this is seeded in my childhood not only of my father's abuse physical and emotional; but also my mother's inability to protect me and my sibs from his abuse. I do know consciously that blaming others for my own inadequatecy; is only destructive. I also know consciously, that fostering an hidden image of being inadequate or unworthy is self defeating. However, burying this in my subconscious has kept me from being 'present' in a relationship. I am declaring now: I am WORTHY of forever love and I am going to ALLOW my forever lover to find and stay wih me. I don't expect this to happen overnight, but at least I am stepping out of the shadow of my past into the Light of my future . You might be asking yourself-what happened to FF to inspire this unexpected transformation. The answer is YOU! All of YOU who have shared their PSTD struggles in this thread! You have forced me to look at my own hidden pain. THANK YOU! May Spirit wrap you in love and peace! FF |
While I have never been diagnosed with PTSD, I see so much of Myself in many of you (especially Andrew and Atomic) and wanted to say thank you to all of you for being brave enough to share those most traumatic parts of life ........ your all heroes in My eyes :thumbsup:
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Beating the odds
The core emotions of my trauma and core of the trauma itself are surfacing. This took forever to face and purge. Facing my trauma and "returning" to make a new life is happening. Because of the nature of my trauma, I wasn't I could do face it. The odds of beating it were slim considering I should have died. Facing my stuff took medicine and lots of prayer.
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Here is what I would like to say to you: I was spared the night of my trauma and spared again when I wanted to end my life. Finally, when nothing — and I mean nothing—worked and I hit bottom in my life, I said, to God "Okay, it's just you and me now. Either I'm going down the pike for good, or you're going to save my ass. Now what's it gonna be? Because you're my last hope." I knew I was dying—from the inside out. Well, it's been a year and a few months since the miracles and strength and courage and hope began for me. I have lived through horror over and over so I could cough it up and hand it to him. It scares the hell out of me. I'd like more than anything to claim that I'm one tough son-of-a-bitch, but I can't. I could not have pulled through this without God's help. And I'm still not quite done. Or I should say "we" are not done. But I'll tell you I'm feeling like me for the first time in 17 years, and that's huge because I'll be able to live again and do all the things I want to do. What I'm trying to say to you is this: anything is possible with him. You could be guided to people you need, to the help or hope you need, you could suddenly find you have courage you didn't know you had, and you could discover, in a new light, that you have every right to life as he intended, and that you can make it because of the gifts and attributes he gave you. Most of all, you just may realize that you are worth the Almighty's time, and that makes you really important and loved. But none of this will happen until you turn the worst of yours nightmares, trauma, terror, horror, and your demons over to him while you're dealing with trauma on this level. I'm not pushing God on anyone, but I believe it's arrogant to think that we are alone or so completely self-reliant and assured that we don't need a certain someone who knows all things and is more powerful than all things. To often we give up too soon before he has a chance to work in our lives. But I promise you, he'll put your broken spirit and heart back together in the most incredible ways if you let him. |
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Amen! That was such a powerful word you just shared Jet, and everything you said is true. God helped me overcome so much, and finally I received so much healing, self worth, my value in Him, not in my job or my car or how much I made, or who I was with, but as a woman, a child of God, a person set on this earth with a purpose and a spirit connected directly to Him. I am praying for all of you to receive His healing power and grace, in Jesus name! Amen. |
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:gimmehug:Frisky!!!:gimmehug: Just remember that there's gonna be days when you feel like you took two steps forward and three back. Dont focus on the mistake beat yourself up thoughts, but make it the oops try better next time thought. Give yourself some leeway and forgiveness that nothing happened to you in the past all overnight... and so this too don't expect immediate permanent changes overnight. Realizing is awesome and the first step. Just don't forget we are all still here to be supportive on those days when you get overwhelmed or are being hard on yourself. Everyone has a day when they think screw this its too hard/painful ect.... When I think of it as changing habits I think I am more able to act/think like I want to... and not act/think like I used to before I realized I needed to change. And I allow myself to backslip when I do... and accept its just a speed bump and not a huge wall of "no hope". Less pressure for me tends to help me be more successful in recovering. |
For me, I know what hell is. There were many a times when I wanted to do the unthinkable. After being beaten by my father, or when he got me fired from my job, emptied my bank account, destroyed my car's engine after I paid for it, and the list goes on and on, after a while I went numb. It was like I wasn't even a human being. So I do know the feeling of being lost and worthlessness. Add onto that being called derrogatory names in school because I was slow, and failing. It still happens today. I am used to be calling retard or schizo. I shake my head. I will never understand. I can understand kids, but not adults. Again, that is just me and my perception.
Prayers helped then and now. That was all I had. Everyone who I could depend on, was too fearful to intervene. My father was/is mentally ill. That is about where I put it at. Andrew |
Thought i'd finally chime in here.
I am diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, and also Bipolar I am in therapy and on medication, which are both working beautifully together. I also attend a BP support group when I can, and I have a support system in my reach, including my wonderful partner, so I am in good hands all around. I don't want to go into too much detail other than my diagnosis comes from years of sexual abuse from my step-father and mental/physical abuse from my mother. I didn't tell anyone until a few years ago. My mother took my step-fathers side in regards to the abuse even after he admitted it and left me and my sister behind. I never spoke to her again. it's been a little over 3 years. My sister, of course, is by my side and we are family and will always stick together. she and I are the only family we have now and it's alright because my mother was/is a poisenous person and I would her rather not be in my life. I am happy now. so happy. and I encourage therapy for anyone who has to go through the ups and downs and the emotional rollercoasters. keep yourself around GOOD positive people and influences. keep positive, as much as you can. xoxo to all of you. I want to say I LOVE YOU because I feel connected to each of your stories, but that's a bit much, don't ya think? lol I HEART YOU ALL xoxo Quote:
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I am also still on my recovery journey. And the rule of thumb for me and also reiterated by one of my
best friends, who is a psychotherapist, is that I have to "feel the feelings" as I move through my trauma. In my case, I suffer from something closer to shell shock. The worst part of this is being in what I call my emotional "shock lock." This means that I have to stay focused on relieving shock in my sternum/heart area by remembering and purging the event in chunks and pieces as they come up. A long, difficult process. I'm so over this, I can't tell you. This thing has ruled and damn near killed and ruined my life. Just when I think I have done enough work, it goes deeper or something else surfaces. I wonder how many endings this thing will have before it's over. lol |
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My issues stem from years and years of abuse.....literally, a decade's worth. So, there's no way, no matter what methods I use to try to come to grips with it and to recover from it, that it's going to happen within a small span of time. What is it that they say about relationships, when they break up? It takes twice the length of the relationship to 'get over' your ex? If it takes twice the length of time for what someone may assume is a healthy relationship (for the majority of it, before the demise began), then how long could one reasonably assume would be a good time frame to recover from a completely unhealthy (and assumingly, unwanted) relationship? What about the likelihood that there were more than just one unhealthy relationships going on simultaneously? I know my relationship with my mother wasn't particularly healthy to begin with but add in the abuse from step-daddy-dearest and now what? How much time does each additional negative relationship add on? I began putting myself back together after I extricated myself from BOTH relationships (making a ton of mistakes along the way, since it was me, myself and I going the path) when I was 19. Double that. 38. I'm not there yet and that would not be taking the residual, rippling effects caused by a single negative and harmful relationship into consideration. *shakes head* I am just flabbergasted by those who think it's easy to get over this shit. Gobsmacked, even. |
Gemme,
Yes I agree with you. I am offended and insulted when the folks who say "so what" like it is no big deal. Or come back with some rude remark about my past after digging for information. I had no idea that my life was to be an open book for everyone to read and judge. I think until you have someone holding a knife at your throat you will never understand. |
I was a major depressant (clinically depressed) for almost 25 years. I tried all types of drugs and alcohol to self medicate the pain and abuse I endured as a child, teen and adult. I learned much later, that I chose the same type of people because it was old and familiar and the abuse which I hated but knew all too well was comfortable. Made me feel like home. Crazy huh? I had to find a way out of that vicious cycle when I had my children, thinking I could change their outcome. We have had to fight those struggles together, my children and I, but I thank God everyday that we have hope. It was hard, is hard somedays more than others. But we stand and fight most days. I wish I could say that I NEVER get depressed anymore but that would be a lie. I can tell you that I don't stay depressed, and that it has been such a relief to deal with things sober. It was not hard to give up the drugs and alcohol. It was harder to give up the thought processes, habits and hurts that kept me imprisoned in my own mind with that pain. It has no hold on me anymore, Praise God! And now I try to do my part to help others have hope, too. God bless you and heal you all!
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i appreciate the insight you have given me... |
This shit is not easy to get over. Not by a long shot. We can deal with it, and have a decent life. But we really never get over it. I know for me, and my perspective - I can hardly wait for my bio-father to die. All he has shown me is everything the opposite of what unconditional love it. And that my friends is not what life is about.
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For me--I learned through God and ALL HIS GOODNESS that I didn't have to STAY in that mindset. (Therapy helped too, but not like prayer and faith.) You have to want it (change) I guess, you have to make a conscious (SP) effort to change our habits, our mode of thinking, our paranoia for instance, that keeps us thinking it's ALWAYS going to be like that, with EVERYONE. I read something here along the lines of 'since they'd never had a healthy, non-dysfunctional family, it was a foreign concept to experience one in their lives, via someone else. It was the same way for ME. Thankfully, we have ALL learned to find a way out of the pain and abuse, and are on our way to healing, praise God! I see that in the posts I have read where we share our pain and experiences and then share how we are surviving. I have a saying, "everyday I open my eyes, I have another day to do something better than I did the day before". This saying is a part of what motivates me to keep going. That and the responsibility of being a mom and having someone needing me to be there, healthy and whole...and I plan to be. One day. If not, I hold on to the hope that I will continue on a pathway to healing and surviving more and more everyday. That this goal is attainable, and that it is a lifelong commitment that this commitment-phobe (that should say something)...lol...fully intends to keep. I'm sure it's that way with all of us here, if we look, there's always some reasoning behind the motivation [survival] that gets us to sit up, prioritize ourselves and make a plan and decide to implement it, for our own best self. I'm rooting(sp)/praying for each and everyone of us to get to a healthy space in our hearts and lives through whatever means works for each of us. Love and blessings to you! |
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all i can say is thank god for my step dad...... |
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I know this probably goes in the "quotes" thread, but I read it today and thought I would share it with all of us here...
A road well begun is the battle half won. The important thing is to make a beginning and get under way… Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855) Danish philosopher and writer Love and blessings to you all, Little Shug (f) |
murder of self..
In those moments when I am too weak to think, I turn to my books....I try to find inspiration on the pages, I look for my life in between the lines.....
A good friend wrote some great things before I even knew she existed..I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling but she can........:blues: One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it. I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse....... There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me. ~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~ |
Heartbreak Kid,
I have heard of that before, but can't remember where from. It is anger turned inward = depression. That is a horrible place to be. I think at one time or another we were all there. It just took so much energy and strength to live. And in living we are beating our abuser(s). They are the ones who failed us repeatedly. Thank you for your post. It was so well stated. :goodpost: God bless you, Andrew :pipe: |
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Wow. I read this and kept seeing flashes of my life pass thru my mind...self destructive, self mutilating, self loathing, suicidal--over 25 years--that was me...It was a vicious cycle and exactly like the last line of your post, the abuser in me wanted to kill the victim in me...until I finally gave up trying to fix everything myself and handed myself over to my higher power. And then, it was over. Praise God. But this post of yours is so right on. Wow. I'm just kinda sitting here writing this in a haze...*s...but this too shall pass... To me, honesty and reality are the best antidotes for lingering ghosts... Thank you for sharing this. |
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HB Kid, I'm not familiar with Jaramillo's work, but it's true. The truly sinister part is that a lot of us don't realize what we are doing to ourselves until it's done.
For myself, I've sabotaged relationships, good things, time, good feelings in general, but especially my self feelings...self-worth, self-esteem, self-image...as a result of this inner abuse I put onto myself when it wasn't mine to do to begin with. My cup runneth over, they say, and I know that mine did and when it did, I did turn outward. I did rage. I did strike out, but not until I had filled me completely and had nowhere else to go. The last line..."There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me."...is true for me, to a degree, even today. |
Thank you all for these posts...it is really opening my eyes..about a lot things
about my past as well as my past relationships..or should i say lack of....and is helping me understand the people i have been involved with. do you find as a person that has lived thru such abuse and trauma that you tend to be a rescuer in a relationship? |
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I too would move heaven and earth to help a child. Anything for a child. The same for an animal, the elderly, the disabled.
But I am not a rescuer. Not by a long shot. I can barely take care of myself. |
i have found that the people i have dated that were in abusive homes when they were growing up.....tend to be just that "rescuers" And have always ended the relationship with me either because
A) i didn't need rescuing.(always been very self sufficient) B) the relationship was too good, calm, lack of drama C) have left the relationship for someone that was definitely in more need of rescuing then me...but oddly enough these women were always str8 and always had kids. And a common factor was they were really crappy parents...so i am not sure whether they were rescuing the mothers or the kids. D) have said they didn't think they were good enough for me or couldn't live up to what i deserved. |
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I just wanted to thank you for this post. Some days, like today, a person really just needs to hear this coming from someone else... somewhere else... just so your soul knows beyond any doubt that you are not alone in the way you feel. To see proof that you aren't the only one who has to struggle not to do this to themselves. |
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"THIS" is NOT a cry for help. Nor is it a call for support, acceptance, understanding, or sympathy. I am not asking for prayers, thanks, or even acknowledgment. "THIS" is a person, a girl, a mother, an abuser and an abused woman sitting in the dark in a house with "family" that are as alien to me as I to them. *I don't know them, they don't know me......we co-exists, each a sovereign planet orbiting around each other. Occasionally through the sheer will of ones gravitational pull.......we collide......and we speak something real....do something real.....then as predictable as the sun rising each morning........we disengage, and become alone.............. ............again................ Today - *I Feel like a star.......a tumultuous ball of gas giving all my warmth and light to everyone who seeks it................... .......................When was the last time YOU thanked the sun? My star.....is anxious....paranoid......confused.....but mostly tired......I have been spinning and shining and providing.........I want to rest............ ....................So I wait.................. To Super Nova...........to self-destruct...........it takes so long........ I fight to pierce myself....but i cannot....the knife, the razor, the scissors are never sharp enough to bleed out......... ......................I have scars............... I can feel the change.....The Super Nova is coming......But it tells me it needs my help............I cry out to light...............beg to learn the secret to extinguish it forever.................. ...................no answer......... Well, what is the next step......I need to burn hotter......so I may burn out...... I love harder, I hate harder, I give more, more more more....adding fuel to my fire........I cry tears.....My face is wet................ .......................I feel nothing............. There has to be a way.....I need more....harder...rougher......dirtier.....hatefill ed....self loathing.....so i may explode.......... a brilliant, blinding blight.......... ...........Removed.......... But my light, while smaller and dispersed......will shine, from afar........... ..................forever................ |
tomorow
Someone who self-injures is caught in a whirlpool of sorts. The one thing that we depend on is something that is considered bad for us. So we have to build an elaborate web of deceit, much like someone hiding a drug addiction. This hurts us as much as it does you. In fact, it contributes to our downward spiral. We lie, feel guilty for lying, cut ourselves to alleviate the guilt, then it starts over — we have to lie again. Tomorrow will be better, we tell ourselves. Tomorrow I’ll do better; I’ll start over, a clean slate. Only every tomorrow turns to today, and we always ruin today. We spend our lives chasing that tomorrow, that tomorrow that never comes. We cut our skin, trying to carve our imperfect bodies into something pure and beautiful. We hurt ourselves physically to ease the pain that ravages our insides. We hide behind our scars because we don’t know what we are deep inside, and what we do know we are, we hate. Growing up in a world that hates us, we just never learned quite how to live. And it’s as simple as that. No sideshow freaks, no scary psychotic asylum patients… just a bunch of people who are essentially broken in some way, waiting for the day to come when they will find the strength to fix themselves. And that day will come. Eventually they will realize they’ve hit rock bottom. “And that there is, in fact, an incredible freedom in having nothing left to lose.” (Hornbacher, 279). |
I'm here. And I'm glad you're all here, too.
Leaving you all many blessings, Shug |
Little Shug,
I am so relieved and happy you are here. You bring comfort to so many of us. Love, Andrew :playingcat: |
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You Can Read The Rest Here |
Does anyone still have flashbacks? :canoworms: This is how I perceive my ptsd.
Andrew |
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