just my .02 worth
 

Charmingbutch

I used to feel the same way. I had been told my picker was.broke. that I tried.to resue everyone even those who didn't need it. This went on for years I kept repeating the same pattern over and over again UNTIL I decided that I really couldn't love and care for.anyone.else until I truly LOVED me, warts and all.

Once I decided NOT to live as others told me how I SHOULD live . Who I should b what job I should have. Then I started to heal, love myself and was able to have a REAL loving relationship but again I let old dating habits rule and I fell into a very destructive relationship which really did.a lot of harm to me emotionally. But I can thank god for a.really great support system that helped me over come that.

I finally met someone who loves.me accepts me and is my friend. We have a different type of relationship that either of us have ever had.

Imho everyone is worthy of.love and is capable of giving love but its ISN'T going to happen toll we each learn to love ourselves and to accept what is in our past is there and we refuse to let it dictate our future. Learn from it and use it for ur good

people see what you show them.........so show them the real you....

Everything said to CB25 applies to you

I have pondered this a lot, and I think the answer is this: You have to find someone whose baggage matches yours.

In my experience, someone who is not f-d up (for lack of a better term) can never understand you. Someone who is TOO f-d up is going to overwhelm and exhaust you. So you have to find someone that is at the same level of f*ckedup-edness as you.

It's not an easy task. You have to be honest about your wounds and your scars and be accepting of theirs. You have to be open to healing and changing bad habits. You have to learn to love yourself and put your emotional health first. Because if you're not emotionally healthy, it's not a matter of whether or not you deserve love - EVERYONE deserves love - but whether or not you can be a true partner in a relationship. A partner gives and takes, and when you're not emotionally stable, you either can't give or you don't know how to do anything BUT give.

So my motto is yeah, I'm f-d up, but I love me. My scars make me stronger.



Oh, and Teddybear is right on. I have a friend who I should probably read your post to verbatim.

Charming Butch,

I could very well be off by a long shot but personally I believe in the Laws of Attraction we receive what we put out into the Universe. If our thoughts and feelings of ourselves are negatively based then of course we naturally are not going to progress and grow. We are not able to attract healthy able minded people when we are so stuck in our own shit we can't see straight. I know it is cheesy BUT try some positive affirmations. Sit down and think about all the good inside you. Stick them on post its and put them in random places like the bathroom mirror say them out loud.

When a negative thought comes into your mind push it down with a positive one. You have to drown out the darkness. Light will always prevail. Start being kind to yourself. Part of respecting oneself and claiming ones worth starts with the company we keep. Yes family may be blood but if they are toxic and suck the joy from us then what is the point. You are going to need to get to a point where you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

When we allow toxic relationships to continue we must ask ourselves what are we gaining out of this. We do not continue or allow things in our lives unless they have a benefit (payoff) so what is your benefit by allowing toxic people to suck the life out of you.

Are you ready to claim your life back and be happy? I know you want to say yes but are you REALLY ready. I think sometimes it can be easy for people to kind of become addicted to dysfunctional existence.

As for love of course you deserve to be loved...we all do. Everyone of us has amazing qualities inside..some a bit more buried then others but we all do. We all also have baggage and I believe the woman who is right for you will be a strong woman who can call you on your stinkin thinking and help you stay motivated. She will be able to love you through your baggage. Your past relationships may have ended simply because they were not "the one" and simply a stepping stone and lesson along the way.

I sincerely hope you can find peace,clarity and love along your journey!

Dear Charming Butch,

Here's what I am hearing people saying in different ways:

Do this, get that (be negative, get negative).

Love yourself, the rest will follow.

Everyone is screwed up in some way or at some time; don't be so hard on yourself.

And then there was the unique and I thought, really innovative outside-the-box opinion that you could find someone of equal fucked-up-ness and support each other in getting over your issues and having a good relationship (if I understood you correctly Diva :). I like the liberating, don't-be-ashamed-of-where-you're-at-in-your-life undercurrent in that one.

It all seems so useful.

But I know you will pick and choose which things resonate most for you, which speak to who you really are and which speak to what you're ready for.

I really feel like you're on a good path.

Scout

boy howdy and pass the matzoh balls! dysfunctional existence is just as much of an addiction as any other. LOTS of the same chemistry, many of the same patterns, similar self-destructive behaviors and less than authentic living. doesnt exempt us from responsibility of course and i'm not suggesting that CB is avoiding any personal responsibility - quite the opposite in fact - but i just want to support this statement as strongly as i can without sounding like a zealot. (call it the vehemence of the converted if you like)

on an entirely different note, i dont always hold with the think/get mantra meaning 'think negative, get negative. think positive, get positive'. you can be of a sincere 'think positively' mindset 24/7 and crappy things will still happen. i've amended my version of the mantra to 'think negative, see and invite negative. think positive, see and invite positive' because that's what it comes down to. what have we invited into our lives? kind of like vampires. you gotta invite them in. (or is that an urban myth?) anyway. we're usually careful who we invite into our homes yes? so equal care should be given into what/who we invite into our lives i think. there will always be some crazy rides but the good kind of crazy is the one that leaves us thinking 'ouch that hurt but it was worth it' whereas the bad crazy might make you feel like, oh idaknow, you're 'too screwed up to be loved' maybe? and that mindset hurts sooooooooo much more than any damage anyone else could do to you.

also i think it's wise to look beneath the wrapping paper before handing out that 'positive' label. believe it or not i'm one of those 'there's good in everyone and beauty in everything' people to a sickeningly ridiculous degree so dont automatically read cynicism into what i'm saying. i just think that peeling away a few layers of something to get a little deeper before labeling something a positive experience or a positive influence is wise rather than a cynical take on things. as a matter of fact i think it prevents more cynicism than it creates by allowing you to see some reality and take a miss on the things that were disguised as good ideas. it's also a little empowering to realize that you did the leg work before you jumped in, especially if you save yourself from making a huge mistake. that's a pretty good feeling for sure! cynicism comes from disappointment and feeling taken advantage of. everyone can be disappointed but being taken advantage of is something that rarely happens in non-compromised persons without consent. (by non-compromised i mean people who arent easily exploited such as children, folks who are cognitively delayed, some elders and so on) i honestly believe that the consent part of being taken advantage of or disappointed is what really creates the hurt. it's not the other person/people who actually hurt us sometimes. when we strip away all our posturing and ego we often find that in many cases we've consented to being taken advantage of by others or by our own addiction to dysfunction and the realization that we didnt love ourselves first and best packs a punch like Ali climbing up one side and down the other of Frasier. know what i'm sayin?

I have tried the positive thinking and Maybe i was doing it wrong but it didnt work, I am very grateful for everyones advice and it really is helping , I am taking it all in and listening, I am stil considering therapy,so we shall see. Thank you very much I cannot say it enough

Great post! I interjected a few comments, in purple.

I don't think the question is, Am I too screwed up to be Loved?

I think the question is, Am I too screwed up to Love?

I don't know if I agree with this statement.
It's sort of like - the blind leading the blind and find this enabling and counter productive.

We all have that dark part of ourselves.

It takes courage to look deep inside to see it, feel it and to chose to work to heal it as best as we can.

Some people willingly step into this abyss, others walk slowly towards it with baby steps and still others run away out of fear.

Letting down our defenses and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with ourselves and then to be able to do it with others is very scary.

If we want to be able to truly connect on an intimate levels with others, it must be done but it is the hardest thing of all to do.

I know because I struggle with this issue constantly.

I am glad that my thoughts to post this helped you out Leigh, and I am very greateful for everyones responses

I think you got it! Lots of great advice here to help anyone. You are still young bro. Enjoy life. Make goals, be happy. Live for you! The right girl will come along when the time is right for you in your life and when you and her are both ready for that time. For now, date. You will figure out what works and what doesn't and what makes you happy. Run from red flags and embrace the great times and great people. In time ... You will get there and you will know. It won't feel like drama and work with no stress, worries, and doubts.

Yes I have truly gotten some amazing advice! I know I can be loved and I can love, my last relationship was just very damaging and has left me a wreck, I thought she was my soul mate and she probably is but we just aren't meant to work. She told me she loved me was in love with me than she took it back not once but twice, than she decided she was leaving me to go to Australia and would be gone a year, but I am realizing I can be loved when the time is right

you can have more than one soul mate.....

I was in the place where you are just a few years ago.. I have learned that you have to like who you are before you can really love I had to respect who I was not be willing to change to become what someone else wanted me to be.. to realize that there was a woman who loved me for me and she was real and gave me a love that is real and forever she is my diamond not some cheap imitation.. she loved me for me not how I looked or what I could give her she stuck by me as I delt with my baggage and my scars she stayed even when the ghost of relationship past haunted me and made me feel I was not worth her .. you know what I am worth her love .. you have to love you and see that YOU ARE worth it

Dear Strappie and many others,
Well, put. And, I can attest to this through recent personal experience. I am the happiest and most positive I have ever been in my life and darn it, good things...no, GREAT things just keep on happening.
If you want a blessed life, it is paramount to bless yourself with the positivity you deserve within each moment.
Life is grand!
xo,
~Bleu

I have to agree that a positive mind and outlook is the key to making things happen, with you in control. After my a huge upset in my now defunct relationship, I beat myself up pretty badly and allowed myself to be cloaked in negativity and black thoughts - I blamed myself for allowing things to happen. I eventually took advice and saw someone who has helped me redefine the circumstances, and shake off the self-doubt and to identify the type of personality I was drawn to. I'm aware now that I tended to 'save' people, to meet my own needs, but this was only ever going to be destructive. I like who I have become, and I'm positive about my ability and what I can bring to a relationship and friendship. Life is good, and I'm good to myself. It's not easy at first, but to think positively leads you in a whole new direction and to new openings.

“You are Braver than you Believe, Smarter than you Seem, and Stronger than you Think.”
Winnie the Pooh -

I need to listen to this advice also; thanks for posting it Strappieeeeeeeeeeeeee :)

Wow do I EVER know how you feel there bro; I was in that place even just a few months ago. Its taken me, literally, years of trying to get over being bullied during high school and being put down by my father to get to a place where I know I am worthy of being loved as opposed to believing I could never be loved. I still have a long way to go, but I know now that I am closer than ever before to having the exact same mindset ~ staying positive is having good effects, so I keep plugging forward and its worth it in the long run!

I just wanted to quote this part of your post Bleu because its very true; if we want good things to happen in our lives we have to remain positive no matter how difficult it seems.

This is just a wonderful overall post pam, and extra points for the quote cuz I love Winnie the Pooh :D

For a lack of a better way to put this, i think we are all "fucked up" in our own way; we all have baggage that we carry and alot of the time we think it makes us unloveable or undesireable. That's of course not the case at all, but I've noticed that often it is engraved into our minds by others around us (friends, family etc) that because of our past or said baggage we will never find someone to love us but that's not true.

I'm glad this thread is here :)

I agree with this. I have learned that it is how we handle or let our baggage control us that makes the difference.

I am glad that by me posting this thread about something I honestly felt that it has been helping others, I do belive that we all have some form of fuck upness and baggage, but when the time is right there will be a person come along and I truly belive everything will just fall into place, The past few days have been really hard on me, dealing with a lot of personal bs but my friends here at the planet have really kept me going with positive thoughts, thanks everyone for being you and thank you to everyone responding to this thread, it really does help

Exactly, I agree with you 100% :)

I can see how this thread is helping alot of people, and it certainly has helped me as I've said before so thank you for creating this CB *hugs*

Thank you all very much again I cant say it enough, all of your words and thoughts have really helped, life kind if took a rough turn and I had a very bad day when I wrote this. They also had me on a medicine for my health called prednisone and its also known to mess with someone's mind. I now realize that it was silly to think that I or anyone is too screwed up to love. I know I just like everyone else with baggage is not unloveable. I've had bad stuff happen but who hadnt there are people a lot worse than me. Yes I am sick and who knows what the future holds but I know that no matter what I can and am capable of loving and being loved, lately I have come across a few beautiful women but they just like me have baggage and one in particular accused me of being depressed just so didn't have to talk to me she created and made up stuff because of her own issues, but I just keep being friends with anyone and I myself know that no matter how crazy or screwed up someone is I won't give up on them. Thanks again to everyone who read and responded and I am always around just send me a pm if you nerd a friend

So I revisit my thread and I think I have finally had a breakthru in my own personal crap! Im not too screwed up, I just needed to clear my mind refocus and things are getting better! Im starting something new and its very unfamiliar to me , scary but in a good way, I just hope I don't mess it up but with a positive attitude I think things will be ok, and at the end if the day I have the best love anyone could want that of a child that love comes with no conditions and nothing better than kissing my little one goodnight!

So a lot can change in a week, I have decided to just focus on me and my little one! She loves me for me, and as for everything else it will fall into place when it's supposed to!

O my I sure know all about this , i have issues that i cant do anything about right now ,It makes it hard for others to want to be be with me or/and sometimes be even my friend ....I have started to work on my stuff and I do hope within a few months i will be on the right track ....just never give up !I refuse to think and or let others hold me down any more ....i had a pretty messed up childhood as well and yes it can be hard to get past that and not let it seep into ever day life but ...sometimes ya got to just tale a really deep breathe close your eyes and le it all go ...have a good cry ...it cleanses the soul .Then Take one day at a time ....Thats what im doing ..

I used to be. But I have learned a whole different me exists. Thank God!

Well, I am an ugly femme so you might not appreciate my opinion but...

Noone has ever so much as wanted to flirt with me in a bar or buy me a drink so...

I would take anything I can get, but that seems to be nothing and nobody. So it's not a matter of being screwed up, it's all about your standards etc...Like if you're superficial of course you're not going to find true love.

Really wheneever I see stuff like from guys or butch lesbians about oh am I ever going to find someone the only thing I can think of is, this person would reject MY love in 5 seconds so... Can't take it seriously.

On Bad Days...
 

Sometimes I know the feeling. I've had a couple serious realtionships go sour, and it seems to always leave me wondering what's wrong with me. It's only years later when I'm looking back, remembering the new terms I learned, like "emotional abuse," and "sexual discrepency," where I can have some peace and know that I'm not unlovable, it just wasn't the relationship for me. Like I'll look at my ex from 10 years ago, and she's a character and really funny with her goofy temper and all the off-the-wall stuff she says, but I can't believe I ever beat myself up over her opinions.
She cray.

Hi, 4everlonelyfemme.

I was thinking about your post. I wanted to tell you, for what it's worth, that I've always noticed that people's level of attractiveness (based on whatever cultural standard you hold), seems to have no correlation at all to whether or not they're in a relationship, or in a good relationship, for that matter.

I look around at the people I know in couples, and some are movie-star gorgeous; others, more unique looking. I think it has more to do with their personalities, their access to a community, dumb luck, etc.

Just thought I would share that with you.

Scout

So when you see other couples together you feel like strangling them right? Lol. Don't be so selfish and spoiled, and blame them! It's not their fault if you don't get your way while looking in your " delusional ugly mirror." You really are not ugly you know. And do not settle for whatever you can get either!
When I was an 18 year old butch, and young like you, I was delusional too, thinking the opposite of ugly. I thought I was such a good-looking, white-knight, (but in reality, I was really conceited and co-dependent, who thought I knew everything.) So , when I met a damsel in distress like you, I tried to help her. (and deep down, we both felt unworthy, but tried to save each other anyway) so she'd love me forever and not be lonely anymore. And because of our co-dependency needs, we trauma bonded, and complained about the world together, and became crazy together and dysfunctionally in/compatible together. and on and on it went... Like that song by Eminem, Love The Way You Lie.- quote "you're the same as me."

Your thoughts create your reality. So take a hard look at them. Being young and easily influenced by the media and your peers is going to be difficult to deal with if you don't develope a strong inner core.

I was a mess at your age. Now at 56 I know for a fact that I'm beautiful, funny, smart, quirky, loving, impossibly onery, cuter than hell, and irresistable. (except when i'm on my pity pot to my great embarrassment)

I am FEMME. Make no mistake, I love myself first because that's where love lives. (keep in mind this is a daily challange) Inside us. Love is not found outside of your self. (learned the hard way) Become the love you are looking for. Knowing love means you will recognize it when you come across it in others. (That's my belief)

Focus on giving to others, not receiving. :rrose: