Dating is easier when it is just dating, but when it reaches more than dating, that is when all things that could go wrong, go wrong. I say stupid shit or do something stupid and not realize it and it causes issues.

I've already faced 1 of my fears: was told my ptsd and anxiety was a deal breaker for a relationship. OUCH!! that really hurt me deeply. I can't help that I have it. It's not like I went out and said that I wanted to have PTSD and anxiety and I got it. GEEZE

I've always been afraid of someone rejecting me because of my disability status and I was rejected. I can't work anymore because of physical disablement with my lower back and then there's my ptsd, anxiety, and depression that goes along with my back injury. I already feel less than, I surely didn't need to be rejected and told that.

I guess I'm just not good enough anymore. I don't know. Sometimes I just can't seem to feel any other way.

Being totally waylaid once again:|

Currently, my biggest relationship fears are:

* Moving too quickly and not first developing a deep and abiding friendship (ie not taking the time to REALLY get to know someone before jumping in the deep end)
* Losing my sense of self
* Not being accepted for all of me, just the way that I am (I don't want to feel like I have to hide any of my many facets in order to be loved)

I have none showing and no fears.

I fear being smothered and losing myself....

I truly believe that you attract the things you focus on. I know so many people that can't work for one reason or another, it doesn't make them less of a person. Try to stop focusing on things you don't want and "not being good enough" and try to focus in what you want.

Where thoughts go, energy flows.

Just my unsolicited advice.......

My relationship fear would be:
 

Is that my partner mistaking my concerns of her well being as if I'm playing a role of " mothering her " and that's not the case at all that's just part of how I am as well as " mis-spelling a few words once or twice" I think people trying to get to know each other online or real time it can be done everything takes time and trust and both people compliment each other not signaling one out from the other but yet they both should intertwine with each other as vines coming together to form a solid foundation of oneness but yet not losing a part of each other. Lots of trust and love plays a huge part for me and you don't have to agree on everything nor do you have to have every common interests I think it's best to have a little of both that way no one feels neglected or suffocated.

Stranger in a Strange Land
 

I tend to lean toward the rational and being overtly emotional is sort of a second, or hell perhaps a third, language to me. I mean of course I do display emotion but the issue is that it doesn't seem to be enough for most people. As an added issue I tend to be a very independant person and enjoy nee require solitude to recharge.

My fear is that this will be taken as not loving the person I love "enough" or over time it will weaken the bond I have with someone.

The whole romantic thing doesn't come naturally to me, I have to set reminders on my calendar or create a plan in advance to execute. This, I fear, comes across as forced sometimes or it is insufficient to satisfy the required dose of romance.

So often it feels like I am from another planet in a relationship and don't understand the required customs and social expectations, I sometimes hurt their feelings and don't know how it happened. I guess my fear is that I will never learn the culture of their bird to my fish.

So many in the past year. People seem to want to go far faster than I do, in terms of how often to see someone or how often to talk. I'm shattered (extremely tired) most of the time with school a don't often have the energy to go out. My classmates and I send each other texts teasing each other about how often we are in bed.
I am scared of people pushing me to be more emotional, more available time wise, more care taking.
Having been through so much co-dependant re-learning and counseling and learning about healthy boundaries... I find most people I date respond poorly to boundaries. For example I'll say I'm sick and can't make a date, got sent home from school so very ill. I will contact you when I'm feeling better.
I'll get, from people I barely know and have only met once or twice

Can I come over, I'll look after you
An email 15 hours later asking if I'm better and would I like to meet up
How about now? Are you feeling better now?
Long winding emails talking about their day when I've said im sick and will contact them when I'm feeling better.

I could go on. What I find is, people don't listen to me. And the thing that turns me off the most is someone ignoring me and just barreling ahead with what *they* want from me. I find that turns me off someone now in seconds. If I have to repeat myself, about needing time/space for whatever reason... I find the damage is just kind of done.

So I fear not being able to have my own space without fighting for it, I fear having to look after someone else to the detriment of my own needs.

Mine is always that my family will be too much. It usually is. Our life isn't easy, and even if we get along great as a two... when I let the kids in, that usually ends the pursuit. Whatever the reason that's given... "we just aren't compatible" "I'm in a different place in my life" "I think we will be better friends." ... I'm always worried that my overwhelming life (yes, its even overwhelming for me sometimes) is the biggest reason behind it all.

I find that I try to stay away from people that demand things of me. Had an ex of ten years would demand I do things and instead of being grateful for what I did would just demand something else of me. When I was doing it she would stand there and tell me how to do to do it. I'm one of these people it doesn't matter how you get the job done as long as the end results are right. If you have ideas fine, then tell me before not after I'm in the middle of the task ,when I have my own ideas figured out on how I'm going to proceed with a project. I'm doing the work after all.

Fear of abuse! That is all that needs to be said on that one!

My relationship fears are someone who needs me in their life specifically for the benefit of financial gain. Another is being cheated on, that has happened to me more than once. To be honest, that is why I am single to this day (since 2012).

Baggage...
I think most of my baggage is related to self-esteem. I'm afraid of being the only person "in" the relationship. I'm afraid that I won't be enough....funny enough, smart enough, wealthy enough, young enough, thin enough, etc. I'm afraid that I will be abandoned. I'm afraid that I will be financially or emotionally abused. I think I am afraid of relationships in general :blink:

As for how to deal with the baggage in a new relationship, I haven't reached that level of enlightenment yet. I do try to be honest and upfront but I am still trying to figure out how much is too much and when is too soon.

Moving On
 

No,i'm not here anymore.

My biggest fear of all is to fall for another active alcoholic/addict. I turned 59 years old this past summer and I am totally "relationshipped out!" Did that make sense? I mean I am finished with that portion of my life and do not miss it. I will not get involved ever again. I am quite content with this posture. When I am 80, old and gray, chewing a wad of tobacco and spitting it off the side of the porch, their will be probably a half dozen or so dogs under my porch snoozing. Sitting there just thinking of my pack, the love I have for them will be more happiness than I could ever dream of.

My biggest relationship fear....
 

Investing time, energy, money into a "relationship" only months later it's met with "I guess there is no chemistry." Being misled. Hopes and dreams being dismantled. Perhaps I don't need to have even one. single. expectation.
It is the road to heart-ache and resentment.

That I am the loyal... maybe too loyal... so loyal that I will not see their... disloyalty... it wouldn't be the first time.

Fear that no-one could really want a freak like me (I've been gay forever, tried to be stright, and everyone could smell it on me and didnt like me - heavily baptist/bigotted area and social circle/family).

Still working on this one, it is the root of all the others.

Also, that I am really just sick in the head and that is why I'm not streight. That comes from far too much hateful shit growing up.

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

My husbutch and I are both introverts and spend just as much time together as apart. Some people don't get it, but it's what works for us. Don't give up hope in finding someone who likes that way of life too <3

I have found myself with the same fear. I am a mix of intro and extrovert where I find it hard to find a good medium. :|

I'm an extrovert and I need one entire day to myself a week, just quietly in my room or apartment pampering myself. I don't want to hang out. Or talk. I need to sleep on my own. Eat by myself. For 24 full hours. And at least another two half days of 12 hours in there a week. I need my cave. I carry my connection to my partner in me, very deeply so I don't need constant attachment.

I will burn myself out looking after others, smother myself, starve myself of space, to make someone else happy. And I get sick. When I need time and rest I get accused of similar, and I date mostly introverts. I don't think it's extrovert/introvert ... I think it's people understanding that boundaries are not there to keep people away. They are there to create me space, you space and us space. I don't have to be merged with someone all the time. In fact, that makes me depressed. I lose myself. But the people who need that are usually codependent and have very scary places in themselves they hate and don't want to deal with alone. So they mask it by being merged with others. My introvert partners did it by using only me, because they found everyone else over stimulating, but having me stuck to their hip because I was non-invasive body company so they didn't feel lonely (I didn't speak or want anything from them) sort of like a human plush toy... Was very suffocating.

And of course I was nurse, cook, house cleaner, administrator/clerk/secretary for all bills and paperwork, grocery shopper, and because they hated talking on phones and dealing with people, I did all the phone calls, dealt with the banks and service people. On top of my full time job.

When I'd reach burn out and need rest, I was faking it, being melodramatic, having a drama, withdrawing and being distant and selfish...

So, I hear you.

I'm really happy this thread exists. It has made me think a lot.

The biggest issue that I suffer through is pedestal syndrome (I totally made that name up, it probably has a real one). All my life I have been "the good one". I was the one who got excellent grades, I was the one all the adults dotted on as having excellent manners, the one who helped around the house and caused no trouble. I took that identity into adulthood and into my relationships, which has shown itself to be really unhealthy for my self identity. Most of my past partners have discovered that this was my "button" and noted how perfect they thought I was and how I would never do "XYZ" like anyone else due to my "perfection" or how they would not be able to handle it if I "did something wrong because I never act like others".

I now realize that this is a manipulation tactic, first installed by my mother, then discovered by significant others and even friends. Though I am consciously aware of it now, I still struggle with the idea that I must be perfect in order to be deserving of love and affection. I am on the dating market, so I automatically assume I get passed over due to imperfections that I must correct before I am able to be good enough for anyone to not pass over.

This post was too long and rambly, so I apologize if it makes little sense, lol.

Ahh how I can relate to this, I am an introvert, most may have differing opinions and that's okay I know who I am. I have the same need for alone time as I do for together time and I'm a better person and partner when you understand my need for this.

In reading your later post as to the "buttons" I'm pretty sure we all have them and the fact that you have grown to realize what yours are only makes it easier for you to disengage from those who take delight in continually pushing them. I have emotional scars which may not be as readily seen as the physical but they are there and to me in some ways harder to reveal.

All I know is that when I find the right person she will accept me for me...all of me and should she have any physical or emotional scars I will love them because they make her the special gift she is.

Sometimes I feel like I forget what I am afraid of until I am staring it in the face, until I start to self-sabotage, expecting the worst. And then I have to figure out how to explain what is scaring me to someone who isn't doing what I am afraid they might. A lot of damage has left a lot of fears... I am not sure how to figure them all out any more. So, I guess I have to just deal with them as they come up. And I know that speaking them out loud is a good start.

Lately, I am afraid I am too needy (even though I'm pretty sure I am not)

I am afraid I that I am too intense, and my life is too much for people to deal with... so they will burn out and just walk away.

I am afraid that no matter how good I think it is... it won't last... because I am not meant to find someone.

There's a lot more... but right now, this is where I am at.

IT makes sense. I have different ones, for different reasons but the result was the same. I Was very codependent for a long time and thought for anyone to *stay* in the relationship I thought I had to make myself invaluable to their personal functioning. So I got people who needed me, usually addicts.

I no longer want anyone who needs me. The idea actually repulses me. I want people who can function just fine in their own life and don't need me at all. But they love my company. I prefer the idea of spoiling each other from time to time than being a linked team in order to make it through our days. I want sex, friendship and companionship, not co-functioning a household or looking after people. I can very easily look after myself if I have the flu. I've looked after myself with a pretty severe concussion. I don't *need* someone because the rest of my life has good support in it, I know how say no and mean it (and do it), I understand the point of healthy boundaries, I know my limits and respect them. Being guilted or pressured makes me angry now, not cave in.

I do love spoiling people. Not care taking. I want to adore my partner, be adored. Not needed. I find most people find my assertions to be romantically offensive.

After being alone for 2 years, I am worried how someone is going to be around my animals and how they will respond when I tell them I need my own space.

trust issues

Naive
 

Even at my age I tend to be optimistic and romantic. I still have trouble identifying the players until I get hurt. Then I look back and say to myself, duh, should have known!
So then on top of being hurt I feel really stupid.

Relationships
 

After reading the posts here I have to agree that trust can be an issue. However, any issues that I had in past relationships I leave in the past. The issue belonged to that person in my mind.

Players, I have not thought about players in a long time and I doubt that I could spot one easily. I may have already met players and did not know it.

Because financial exploitation was a feature of all my major relationships preceding this one, i get really freaked out when there is any kind of job-related problems.

When Mr. Jenny and I first got together I would freak out any time she hit her snooze button in the morning because I just knew she was going to be late and get fired

She found this very offensive as she has now been at the same job for 31 years and I should have been able to see that as proof that she knows how to not get fired

She's right. It was all my issue

This is a big one for me, too. I have had partners that could not wrap their heads around wanting time alone. There was not space in their mind for the concept. They could only see it as a rejection of them.

I am a very tightly wound person, and have had to learn the hard way that self-care is not an indulgence, it is actually necessary for me to be able to function productively in any context.

I started putting hard limits around certain days of the week and certain hours of the day about twelve years ago. If I do not have those periodic discharge/recharge periods between each role performance (director, student, daughter/sister/aunt, partner), I will have regrets for poorly-considered choices, unrecognized opportunities, forgotten talking points, math errors, typos, distractions, talking out of my ass, etc.

My current partner is really easy to be around, though. Sometimes we are on the couch together and I am reading or writing and she is watching HGTV and I actually forget she is in the room. She's totally self-actualized and can enjoy my proximity without demanding any attention at all

But it helps that she works Sundays and I don't, and I work occasional evenings and she doesn't. And that her workday starts four hours before mine does, even when I don't work late.

Abandonment is the main one, being told they will be there and end up leaving.

Ugh. Where to begin. I'm content being single and am enjoying my life for the first time in I don't know how long. I'm happy. I don't feel like I have to answer to anyone. Yet...I miss companionship and intimacy.
I'm so afraid that I'm going to make the same mistakes I did before - IE - Settling for someone who is absolutely no good for me. Getting with someone because maybe I'm desperate on some level, or...I'm not getting any younger, and the clock is ticking.
My last relationship really did a number on me - being with someone who was controlling, who I felt like I couldn't talk to or completely couldn't be myself around because I was going to be judged. It was just a bad, bad situation all around. Yet loyal me hung in, hoping it would somehow all get better.
So...I suppose I'm torn between my life is fine as is and I'moved enjoying it. I don't want to ruin my happiness somehow by putting someone else in the mix. On the other hand, I don't know if I want to be perpetually single, either. I think I'm a genuinely decent human being who has a lot to offer someone.
Sorry if I'm rambling here, but these are things I think about quite often.

Sue

It happens whether or not I dwell on it. It just happens. But mine stems from being adopted and how it affects every day life.

I know what you meant by the general parts. I'm pretty much giving up on this one, one thing I can't stand is lack of communication. I'd rather be alone then deal with the bullshit.