I hope it isn't too far off topic for me to congratulate myself for recognising the warning signs and getting out of a recent emotionally abusive dating situation relatively quickly. While I wish I had gotten out even faster, I keep reminding myself that I haven't been nearly as savvy about reading the signs in the past. Had I met this abusive personality in the past I'm certain I would have stuck around a lot longer.

I only had one emotionally abusive adult relationship in my past. I was much younger then, and I stayed with her for eight years! When I look back at that situation, I have to admit that I knew it was wrong many years before I left. I stayed with her partly because I had never been in a committed partnership before, and I didn't want to have failed. Whenever I feel tempted to give myself a hard time for staying with someone who treated me badly I just say to myself the same thing that I say to my friends who have struggled to leave emotional abusers. "It must have felt like home." Yup. It sure did.

My most recent experience was an eye opener for me because I've never felt physically unsafe in a dating situation with a woman before. I feel as if I dodged a bullet by getting out quickly, but I have deep concerns for her new girlfriend!

When I opened this thread, I didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it did. I dealt with all of this a long time ago, and I am usually pretty good about taking a deep breath and moving forward...

... That being said...

... I was married to a very abusive person. He never hit me, never physically intimidated me in any way. In obvious ways he wasnt even really verbally abusive, we got in fights, but I was very good at yelling back. But he was extrememly emotionally abusive. I didn't see it at first, I didn't understand how much I was withdrawing, or how much I was affected. As I processed everything after the fact, I found things that I always thought I would see...

• He was extremely determined to get things his way. He even asked me to marry him every day for a month before I agreed.
  
• He was very quick to point out his needs and insist on having them filled.
  
• Things I needed or wanted could be explained away, there wasnt enough time, or money, or whatever... it could wait for now.

These things were there very early on. Things I just said ok to. Compromised about, and they just continued to grow. Until I was isolated from friends, without general needs such as new underware or bras, or even clothes that fit. I didn't thnk they were important in the beginning. It was easy enough to just give in to those little demands.

Now, my ex is in a new relationship, with a new woman, who just had a baby... and I am seeing the same things begin to develop. I guess watching it happen again has made it all feel a little fresh in my mind.

It takes a strong person to change these behaviours congrats for doing so

Abuse comes in many many forms. For me, the key sign was alcohol abuse. Not daily alcohol, I would not have put up with that, but the inability on my partner's part to stop drinking once started. The alcohol allowed her to move from verbal and emotional abuse into physical abuse.

One warning I will give others is that the physical abuse does not always start small and build up. For me it came down in a big way the very first time she laid a hand on me. We were cleaning our apartment after having moved into a larger place. We were really tired and were resting on a mattress on the floor, the only remaining furniture in the place. I don't remember the trigger at this point, but it was nothing much. The alcohol set her free to exercise her frustration by beating me up. She leapt on top off me, throwing me down half off the mattress with my head on the hardwood floor. She punched me in the face and shoulders and flung me around like a madwoman landing punches on my back as well. She grabbed my hair and started pounding my head into the floor, over and over again. I felt sure in that moment that she was going to kill me. The only thing that saved me was the telephone ringing. Somehow the ringing allowed her to realize what she was doing. She backed off me and answered the phone. It was my parents, god bless them. I was still laying on my back on the floor when she handed me the phone. They were coming from Ohio to visit me (in California) in two days. I did not tell them what they had interrupted, nor did I ask for their help. I was still bruised when they arrived, but like a typical abused woman I was embarrassed and did my best to cover it up. I know my mother saw the bruises on my shoulder, but somehow she kept quiet as well.

What was most stupid was that I stayed in that relationship for another six years. She quit drinking eventually (after an incident in which she put herself in great danger), and I threatened to tell her parents (whom I had spoiled with kindness, and whose love I had worked hard to earn) what she was doing to me. So the physical abuse stopped. The attempts to isolate, the put downs, the degradation, all continued.

Again I was saved, this time in a very ironic way. She saved me herself - by cheating on me over and over. Many nights she came home very late or not at all. This gave me time alone to think, and oddly enough, more time to spend with my friends, time to realize what an idiot I was.

It took a while, and there were many steps, but eventually I ended the relationship. Recovery was slow and overlapped with the time I entered into a new relationship with the person who would become the husband I speak of so lovingly, now passed. He gave me 25 years of love and support. He welcomed my family and friends, and was loved in return. I was lucky to have had all that time with him. He treated me with respect and valued me as a person.

I hope those of you who are still in abusive relationships are able to open your eyes to your own value, and that you can figure out a way to end the abuse.

Smooches,
Keri

Keep in mind that there are many great resources available.

Here are some that helped me.

books:

The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense by Suzette Elgin

all her books are helpful

Controlling People by Patricia Evans

Her books are great.

ordering books online is great for those of us trapped at home. Provided you are able to access mailbox.

Some therapists are able to counsel over the phone.

Suicide hotlines are great resources for hooking up with local assistance.

Spiritual Teachers are available on youtube. Byron Katie has wonderful way of exposing our faulty thinking. She has website with videos etc.

Always treat yourself like the gift that you are intrinsically. You are the Love you seek.

I am going to premise what i am about to say with the following:
not every alcoholic/addict is abusive
not every abuser is an alcoholic/addict


but....

many situations/relationships that are abusive often have alcohol or other addictions within them.

I spoke at a convention and again at a professional workshop on alcohol involvement in DV relationships. Not only can it be with the abuser, but also with the victim.

I know personally, when i was engaged to a fella many many years ago, I stayed in that horribly abusive relationship because it was safer for me to deal with it, than to confront my sexuality. To cope with the violence, and the closet, I drank. It was perfectly accepted because it helped him with his addiction, which also fueled his anger issues. we were a dysfunctional symbiotic pair where you couldn't tell who was the host and who was the parasite because at different angles, it looked like the other was to blame.


It took everything in me to break it off with him, quit drinking and come out of the closet.

I was pretty healthy for a long time and then a few decades later, I decided to do the almost exact same thing all over again.

Flash ahead many years and lots of therapy and AA meetings... My DV issues and PTSD are checked, and My spirituality is in gear.

I work hard at myself. I learned the hard way, recovering from abuse doesnt end, even when you cant feel it anymore. If you dont work at it FOREVER, you repeat it.

Soft*Silver,
Hooray for you for empowering yourself and getting you back. I loved reading your post where you stated you were able to turn it around. Back in the late 80s, turning that corner was the hardest thing I'd ever attempted in my life but after I put the beer down and got a good firm hold, all I could see was 6 lanes of wide open, clean freeway ahead. No more ruddy pig trails. Easy to get lost going down those paths and pretty scary sometimes too. I am talking about some of the people I came into contact with.

Yes, it takes a great deal of work untangling some of the totally wrecked emotions and nothing happened overnight but so worth all the work. I am far from perfect today and issues will always arise now and then but my life is a bazillion times better than before recovery.

Thanks a whole lot for sharing with us.
Best wishes :)

I was married to my X for several years at this point he hadn't shown any kind of abuse,one day we were packing the trailer to go to a horse show when I didn't agree with something he said then out of the blue he threw a heavy glass mug at me.I got out of the way so he missed,he got even more mad and came after me wich was the wrong thing to do cause I stepped up and and popped him right in the mouth as hard as I could dropping him like an felled ox.He was drinking beer but wasn't drunk he only had a couple at that point,I took him to the doctor to see about the bloody nose he had cause he was bleeding pretty bad,turned out I broke his nose when I hit him defending myself.I told the doctor what happened,he reported it to the police.When they picked him up at the doctors' office he swore he didn't remember what happened , I filed charges cause I wasn't going to let him get away with it.The courts ended up calling it a domestic dispute so he got 90 days in the parish jail,while he was there he had to go through anger management (didn't do any good) by time he got out I already had divorce papers served to him.All I wanted was no contest just get the "F" out of my life no spousal support, just go.Fast forward a year,I had gone on one of my long horse show runs,when I came back my mother had moved him back into her home cause she felt sorry for him.this was a move she would be sorry for cause he did the same thing to her a few months later.This time my son was home on leave,I was changing clothes when he wen't nuts kicked moms bedroom door open then started on her screaming and hitting her(she was 70 at the time) It took both me and my son to get him off her wrestling him to the floor.Again he was
doing time but for a longer time of 5 years.When I finely got her to file charges and we both got an order of protection from the courts,mom didn't want to file charges cause she didn't want anyone to know what happened but finely she saw reason and did file charges.I know he got out on good behavior along with an early release program,I have no idea where he is and don't want to know...last I herd he moved out of state.good riddence is all I can say.

I have been in a couple of abusive relationships in my past. Relationships I do not usually talk about outside of the trauma work I have done on them.
I have also witnessed abuse by others and a lot of the warning signs mentioned can be applied across the board when it comes to DV; straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, ect ect men, women, MtF, FtM, ect ect even vanilla and BDSM folks dominant, submissive, ect ect ect each can be an abuser and/or victim.
One thing I always had to keep in mind was while there were warning signs that could be applied across the board there are some that are specific to that person whomever they are.
If you ever fear for your life in any way for any reason no matter who you are you are most likely in an abusive relationship. This was always the hardest warning sign for me to swallow and to acknowledge that I felt whenever I felt it in the past. A lot of that has to do with the myths mentioned in some earlier posts about male or masculine identities and what society and sometimes our own families can teach us about pride and self worth. I know for me as a FtM it was always hard if not impossible to admit when I was being abused especially if it involved physical abuse or I feared for my life. I always felt "less then" at these times which would be why reporting the abuse did not happen, seeking help in the DV community did not happen, and I think was the one thing that always played into the going back to them over and over even when I knew better.
Still though that is the one behavior of mine that I will never understand no matter how much therapy I have around the trauma why did I always go back over and over even times asking them back hell begging them to come back. It is a red flag or for me it is especially when added to the other ones mentioned.
My biggest advice is listen to the people that know you and better yet if you are in therapy listen to your therapist if they suggest you examine something...examine it.
Also for the guys out there she doesn't have to hit you for you to fear for your life.
Kuddos to everyone that has posted either about recognizing their warning signs or changing their behavior. Both are big...

Rockin' I am so glad that neither you or your mom were seriously hurt, or with permanent physical injuries. I can't imagine the emotional cost of the experience for either of you.

There is the peculiar phenomenon of some parents/family not believing the abused woman, or even worse, continuing to have a relationship with the abuser; after we, the abused, finally get out from the physical, verbal or emotional abuse.

My parents just refused to believe that the polite, handsome young man who was my husband, would ever hit me. On one hand, there was the refusal to support me emotionally, in any way and on the other, they would even invite him over for dinner or parties but not me.

That was one of the hardest things to take.

My father would say to me: "You are pretty mouthy and probably talked back to him, we had the same problem with you".

The final, painful, but very clear message message was:

He didn't think my ex was an abuser but... if he did: I probably deserved it.

What surprises me is that mom just wouldn't press charges at first,she had always been one of the most possitive women I knew,for he to just say "let it be" was so off the wall I was taken by surprise.One of my aunts said in it was common for men to rule over women in her generation that it was a common for this to happen in families for this to happen,I never could understand it.
My X should have known better to have started on me with his crap knowing I would not just take it then walk away,come to find out his father did the same thing to his wife and kids.What I just don't get was they thought the guy hung the moon no matter what he did.I told my X very early on if he ever laid a hand on me in anger he was a dead man cause I would fight him till my last breath,I don't start fights but if people insist in this I sure will finish it defending myself.Another thing I know is it has only been somewhat recent that a woman could defend her self against abuse or end up killing someone in self defence with out ending up in jail,i'm glad things are difrent now.

boy, did I feel a gut reaction reading Anya's father's words..."You are pretty mouthy and probably talked back to him, we had the same problem with you".

I cant tell you how many times I have heard those words. Yes, I am a fiesty wild mouth bitch if you get my dander up...but nothing deserves a slap in the face, a shove, a fist, a hair pulling, a pummeling. You dont like what I say? FUCKING WALK AWAY OR LEAVE.

Saying it, is far more easier than doing it. The relationship is based on dysfunction so doing something smart or self preserving, well, probably wont happen alot..not until you really do walk away.

you asked for signs...

a remarkable sign that most people miss, or disregard, is their account of their exes. If every ex did him/her wrong (I am going to use the pronoun HE for the abuser from this point on...but as was already said, SHE can be the abuser as well), was a dog; screwed everyone; ran to someone else; didnt take care of the house, the kids; was mouthy and disrespected him in front of his family and friends; etc....if the exes were ALWAYS the problem, we have transference going on here.

There is relatively new theory of transference called AMT...Abusive Multiple Transference, where the abuser not only transfer negative feelings of their abuser to their victims, but also transfers the power and dominance of their own abuser to themselves.*

In simple-ese?
... if the abuser felt they were always shit on, they will always believe they will get shit on, and they themselves will also always shit on others....


(*I found a really good explaination of transference and projection that relates it to domestic violence! http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_tr...ection#slide72)

when I was young and in my fist lesbian relationship it was abusive not at first but when she drank well it got bad started when she thought I was cheating on her she punched me in the nose breaking it then slammed me on the ground stomping on my hand saying she would be sure I never touched another woman. eventually I caught her her cheating and a fight ensued with me and the other girl to separate us Trish kicked me in the temple as we wrestled on the ground I have been told my eyes rolled back in my head. but we got back together a few months later we were back together for 2 weeks when she came to pick me up after work and she had been drinking I tried to take the keys but all the while I was thinking she is going to brake my nose again long story short I did not get in the car with her that night and she ended up getting into a accident and dieing I swore no one would ever hit me again I had enough of that as a child it took me a long time to not feel guilty that perhaps I caused her anger I had to see that I was worth being loved for me and that not everyone was going to leave me when I made ME whole I found my love and was able to say .. it was NOT my fault .. yes I have a temper yes I am a mouthy ass but I deserve to be treated well and to be loved loved like I am with desd

Sorry, but I have a bit of an issue with this. Why use 'he'? Given that this is a queer website and that the majority of the members here identify as women, wouldn't 'she' be more appropriate (or, better still, the non-gender specific 'they')?

I appreciate that this probably wasn't your intention, but it just feels to me like men, butches, and FtMs always get a bid of a raw deal when it comes to the language we default to when discussing abuse.

Words

Resources
 

I was in a big hurry to leave my parents' house and married as a teenager to a young man with a huge collection of exotic reptiles, including venomous snakes. He put a cobra on the couch next to me once, and it reared up while I sat absolutely still, and then he free-handed it and put it back in its cage, to give one example. I left suddenly and with only the clothes on my back and made my way, having done well in school no matter what was going on or how many minimum wage jobs I was holding down. I was having my period when I left, and he wouldn't let me take my purse or any pads, and I walked down the highway bleeding through my pants, and felt totally energized and unafraid. He also hit me a lot, but I always fought back. I do that, fight back, until I suddenly leave and don't look back.

I've had some very kind, very generous and good-hearted partners since then, but I've also had a couple bad eggs in the bunch, like everyone else. My downfall is that I wait too long to leave a bad relationship. I don't stay in a bad relationship and let the person grind me down; I stay in the bad relationship and try to use my unrelenting logic and reason to fix us, and then I suddenly leave, having sustained and caused more damage than was necessary. It's such a relief to be alone now.

I've been fortunate to have never been involved in an abusive or violent relationship (manipulative/mean/batsh*tcrazy mothers are a different matter.) I did volunteer for many years at an emergency shelter for battered women and children and much of the advice above is spot on. Two things I do want to stress;

1. If you are coming to harm in any way reach out to someone. Many towns have shelters that are not advertised and you would never know they existed. A phone call to a hot line and they can arrange a safe place for you and any minor children. I can't speak for all shelters but many may also have resources you are unaware of including being able to fill prescription drugs. Some abusers hold on to the victim's medication/inhaler/insulin as a form of control. No one is there to judge and help is available but you have to make that call. Which brings me to...

2. The most powerful weapon you can give your abuser is silence. They are banking on your fear/shame/guilt/whatever to keep you quiet. Don't give them that weapon. There was one client I remember who had a warrant out for her arrest, something small and I think it was "theft by taking." She was so afraid of being turned in that she stayed with an extremely abusive partner for three years. She finally showed up at the shelter and explained after a particularly bad scenario she confided to a friend who told her "I had rather go to trial with a fair judge, do my time and have a release date than serve a life sentence with an abuser." If people don't know, they can't help you, so use your voice.


I realize the OP wanted warning signs so I will re-iterate the litmus test for me....when someone swoops in and wants to "rescue" you...from poverty/a previous bad relationship/ill health/depression/etc. and they are almost more invested in the trials of your life than you are and they take charge of your finances/healthcare/therapy/whatever, and they push you to commit to them sooner than you want...they will indeed rescue you, from everyone but themselves.

Katniss~~

Katniss you are a freaking genius. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

holey socks. :hangloose:

Thank you for the list of awesome resources, The_Lady_Snow. It's appreciated.

One of things that I have learned from abusive relationships is this:

Abusers will attack their targets but the most skilled abuser will convince their targets to attack themselves. Like a carnivore smells prey, the experienced abuser will be able to "sniff out" your greatest weaknesses, insecurities, and doubts and use them against you. It's terrifying and degrading and take years to fully sort out and recover from because for so long, there are no clear-cut lines. Your partner isn't coming home and beating you senseless while you cower in a corner. He (or she) is systematically breaking you down until you eventually don't even know which end is up or what is appropriate anymore. It's a very emotionally scarring experience.

I appreciate all of the warning signs being posted here. I think the key in all of this is that most (not all) but most people who miss what would be considered warning signs come from some sort of abuse or neglect as a child. I honestly believe most people who grew up in loving, healthy, nurturing homes will be able to spot these signs much more quickly than someone who grew up in an abusive home because it will look alien, dangerous, and foreign. And also, most serial abusers are drawn to this type of person because they give off a certain 'vibe' that says they may make an easy/unsuspecting target.

If you've ever asked yourself, "Do I have a sign that says, Abusers Apply Here"? Yes, you do. I've been reading a fascinating book called "The Wisdom of Psychopaths" which delves into the minds of people who have been diagnosed as psychopathic. When tested by being asked to watch say, a dozen different people walk by them, were able to easily pick out someone who was once victimized by a mugging or other attack in their past. It was in their body language and something they just couldn't hide.

Do people who have never been abused still become the targets of abusers? Yes, absolutely but I think it's a bit easier for someone who has already been "softened up" so-to-speak to make an ideal target.

I think that one of the best ways to break the pattern of continually being drawn to or attracting abusers is to learn the true meaning of healthy behavior. It's important to surround yourself with friends and family who respect you and treat you in a healthy, supportive, nurturing way. The more healthy platonic behavior you're exposed to, the more confidence you build up, and the more likely you are to attract this same healthiness in a romantic partnership.

I've been in a few.

But the thing that stands out the most for me is, well, me.

I am so willing to please my partner and my self esteem rests on ensuring that I make them really see how much they want me or need me so they won't leave. This gives controlling people the idea they can become more controlling in order to fix my life and sort me out.

Because most abusers don't really know they are abusive. And their intention is to control and fix and keep things low anxiety for themselves. And try to have others behave in the way they think is proper, right and for the best.

People who push me to act like a lady (their version) by slowly devaluing my own form of morals. This can't happen without my agreement though. I have to devalue my own opinion in favour of theirs.

They don't like my friends. They tell me why my friends are really bad for me and the manipulative things/wrong/unhealthy things my friends do. I slowly choose to stop seeing my friends. I get praise the more I do this.

They believe do it out of love, support and because they know best and just want to care for me and ensure I do the right things.

They start to suggest how I should interact with my mom and dad.

They tell me the best times I should study even though they have never been to uni.

I start to lose it during arguments because they are not making sense and confusing me. I feel when I'm arguing with them, there is no right answer and I feel trapped. I can't move in the discussion. So I shut up. I say nothing.

Slowly I start to get anxious about doing things just so. She used to be so appreciative and I really want praise from her again. If it do this perfectly, then she'll notice...

I start to crave the absent praise I start going way over my own boundaries and doing things like screwing over other relationships or work.

She starts accusing me of strange things that don't make sense. I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. And I try to clear it up but it happens again. That weird stuck.... Can't say anything right without insulting her or being accused of something else. I'm just not explaining myself properly...

This shit happens. It's happened to me a few times. But it was also very much about me and my lack of trust in myself, my lack of self esteem, my need to have praise, to be with someone I really admire and want praise from, rather than real intimacy.

I slipped and did it again when I wasn't well after my ex wife left. I can have empathy for myself when I did that. I just wanted to feel valuable again after being left and I fell into very old habits. I wanted to be needed and praised.

I've now not seen anyone seriously for almost a year. I haven't dated in six months. I am taking time to really notice what I want to change about my fears. I'm actually totally fine on my own and I can get praise from school and friends and feeling good about what I do - praise from me to me.

I have stopped trying to impress someone. Or anyone. It's hard. But in doing so I have turned down two people that would have fallen into old patters of me care taking and pleasing. I have a sense of peace, just for me.

And if I do ever get involved again, I want someone a bit more sorted out, someone emotionally stable and someone who likes me to be independant, but knows I can be much different in bed ;)

A friend again. I won't date people again. I'll be friends though. And the trust and sexual compatibility test drives will cme from that.

I really love this thread and am finding some very sage folks in here. I am impressed with how careful everyone is with not putting anyone on the defense. In a room full of people who might have been victims themselves, and while talking about abuse, the last thing a sensitive non abusive non threatening person would want to do, would discredit something someone said, pick apart someone's words or make them feel small for something they said...

Passive aggressiveness. HUGE red flag (for me), reason being that a person who constantly resorts to passive aggressiveness is likely to have problems with owning their own shit, preferring instead to stick it on to others and force them to do all the work whilst considering themselves exempt.

Words

ok, words, I TRIED to be TACTFUL but if you read it as PA, then oh well. Are you REALLY starting a war with me in a thread about abuse? Over gender issues? Seriously?

Rather than fight with you, I will leave this thread. I came here to talk about abuse, not get triggered nor abused.

So, you win..ok? Enjoy the thread and make sure everyone else uses the right pronouns..wouldnt want anyone to make YOU feel uncomfortable...

Been doing a lot of self education recently. Can't tell you how many times I've heard this in the last few months. Every group of survivors I meet has had to do battle with an ex who spouted the "She/he done me wrong" and "I was so misunderstood" story. There are a lot of people who tell that story but they seem to fall into a couple of predictable categories: folks who are really wounded and can't seem to move on from that pain and folks who need you to see them as worthy of sympathy in order to gain access to you.

I'm in no way blaming people for being victims of emotional or physical violence but there's another distinction that needs to be made here. A couple of others have touched on it. Just want to suss it out a bit more and say that one of the things that strikes me as insidious in the abuse/abuser/onlooker triangle is the expectation (by onlookers) that abuse victims never engage in any passive aggressive or manipulative behavior in order to be deserving of support from outside the abusive relationship. That holier than thou POV penalizes the abused person and generally works to the abuser's advantage. It's as if the victims are required to show twice as much restraint or have double the healthy, emotional outlook when compared to their abuser or anyone else for that matter. Example: it's not uncommon for folks who are being or have been abused to be passive aggressive or manipulative because they have no relationship with having their needs met any other way. Constantly being belittled and shamed somehow will make a person stop (or never start) asking for what they need in a straightforward way. If you're taught that your voice doesn't matter or your needs don't mean anything you're eventually going stop walking the healthy line from A to B and use more circuitous route to get your needs seen to. Inevitably an onlooker sees that behavior and wrongly attributes negative intention to it rather than labeling it the survival behavior that it is. Suddenly it's the abused person who's the "bad" one in the relationship and the abuser starts to benefit from that opinion, even counts on it to reinforce the idea that they're working hard and just trying their best to keep things together under the "burden" of their victim's passive aggressive behavior. You see evidence that it works in the sympathy they gain from friends and family members. Even more powerful than what they gain from others is the way they can use the victim's survivor dysfunction against them to further undermine that person's self esteem and create more self doubt. The victim gets cast in the "emotionally unstable" role making the abuser the one who's "worthy" of sympathy from onlookers and even from the victim him/herself! Of course the abuser has temper outbursts! Just look at what the poor guy/gal has to deal with! Pretty neat trick.

We participate in reinforcing the facade of abusers if we spend any time shaking our heads at victims who "dare" to choose anything but completely straightforward, healthy, well adjusted, even tempered behavior in order to get their needs met or the work of a relationship done. We add insult to injury by shaking our heads over them when we discover that they didn't leave at the very first sign of abuse. We pretty much demand that they be better than the abuser and, sometimes, better than we are ourselves. Everyone is passive aggressive or manipulative at one time or another. Difference between abusive behavior and survivor behavior is how and why manipulation is used. Tactics that undermine another person's sense of self or self respect falls into the abuse category to me.

Fairly said. Growing up in Panama reinforced my cultural and emotional attachment to "abuser" = "male" despite knowing that there certainly are female abusers. For ease, I understand a person's decision to declare the use of a pronoun for time saving sake but in the case of such a sensitive issue maybe we need to go ahead and take the time to type out the extra pronoun. I'll keep that in mind myself.

To bad we don't culturally value platonic relationships the way we do partnered ones. Hardly ever see a Disney movie about friendship being given a higher position on the value scale than partnered relationships. (Thinking mostly "classics" here because I'm old. Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Lady and the Tramp, Aristocats, Aladdin, Little Mermaid, etc.) Usually the main character (usually female) must somehow be rescued by someone in order for the story to progress. Even when a strong female character is sketched out she somehow has to be saved by someone else eventually.

Fact Sheet
 

Lesbian Partner Violence Fact Sheet

Suzana Rose, Ph.D.
National Violence Against Women Prevention Research Center
University of Missouri at St. Louis

What is lesbian partner violence?

Partner violence in lesbian (and gay) relationships recently has been identified as an important social problem. Partner or domestic violence among lesbians has been defined as including physical, sexual and psychological abuse, although researchers have most often studied physical violence.

How common is lesbian partner violence?

About 17-45% of lesbians report having been the victim of a least one act of physical violence perpetrated by a lesbian partner (1,5,6,13). Types of physical abuse named by more than 10% of participants in one study included:

Disrupting other’s eating or sleeping habits

Pushing or shoving, driving recklessly to punish, and slapping, kicking, hitting, or biting (11).

Sexual abuse by a woman partner has been reported by up to 50% of lesbians (12).

Psychological abuse has been reported as occurring at least one time by 24% to 90% of lesbians (1,5,6,11,14).

The research usually has been done with mostly white, middle-class lesbians who are sufficiently open about their sexual orientation to have met researchers seeking participants in the lesbian community. Subsequently, these findings may not apply to women who are less open, less educated, or of other ethnic backgrounds. [/CENTER]


Why would a lesbian batter another woman?

Lesbians who abuse another women may do so for reasons similar to those that motivate heterosexual male batterers. Lesbians abuse their partners to gain and maintain control . Lesbian batterers are motivated to avoid feelings of loss and abandonment. Therefore, many violent incidents occur during threatened separations. Many lesbian batterers grew up in violent households and were physically, sexually, or verbally abused and/or witnessed their mothers being abused by fathers or stepfathers.

How is lesbian partner violence different from heterosexual partner violence?

There are several similarities between lesbian and heterosexual partner violence. Violence appears to be about as common among lesbian couples as among heterosexual couples. In addition, the cycle of violence occurs in both types of relationships. However, there also are several differences.

In lesbian relationships, the "butch" (physically stronger, more masculine or wage-earning) member of the couple may be as likely to be the victim as the batterer, whereas in heterosexual relationships, the male partner (usually the stronger, more masculine, and wage-earning member) is most often the batterer. Some lesbians in abusive relationships report fighting back in their relationship.

In addition, a unique element for lesbians is the homophobic environment that surrounds them . This enables the abusive partner to exert "heterosexist control" over the victim by threatening to "out" the victim to friends, family, or employer or threatening to make reports to authorities that would jeopardize child custody, immigration, or legal status. The homophobic environment also makes it difficult for the victim to seek help from the police, victim service agencies, and battered women's shelters.


What legal rights do battered lesbians have?

In some states, police are required to treat cases of lesbian domestic violence the same way as they do heterosexual domestic violence. Many states have mandatory arrest laws that require the police to arrest the batterer in certain situations; this applies to lesbian and heterosexual batterers alike. Batterers can be prosecuted in a criminal court. Survivors may be entitled to an order of protection, a court order that prohibits a batterer from talking to or approaching the victim.

Same-sex couples are always excluded from obtaining a protective order in seven states (Arizona, Delaware, Louisiana, Montana, New York, South Carolina, and Virginia) and often excluded in three states (Florida, Maryland, and Mississippi). These states either limit protective orders to opposite-sex couples or usually interpret the law to apply only to opposite-sex couples.

How often is lesbian partner violence reported to the police?

There are significant barriers to lesbians seeking help. Lesbian victims seldom report violent incidents to the police because many fear prejudicial treatment, and many state domestic violence laws fail to protect same-sex partners. Also, in cases of same-sex violence, police often assume the abuse is mutual (or believe an abuser’s claim that the abuse is mutual) and are more likely to arrest both members of the couple. Battered women’s agencies also may not be open to serving lesbians.

How can you help a lesbian who is the victim of partner violence?

To support a lesbian who is the target of partner violence:
Let her know that she can call you for help. Help her develop a safety plan concerning how she will get out if she needs to leave quickly, including having a bag prepared and easily accessible with essential documents (including identification, money, and anything else that might be needed), and arranging a place to stay in an emergency. Give her the keys to your house. Don’t give up and don’t criticize her or turn her away because she doesn’t leave right away.

If you are in a city that has an Anti-Violence Project connected to the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs (http://www.avp.org), tell her about the services of your local AVP. Many AVPs provide counseling, advocacy with the police and criminal justice system and support groups. Some therapists specialize in lesbian partner abuse, as well.


>sources<

MODERATION!
 

SoftSilver-

Your post was reported for drama, rudeness, and Golden Flounce. Please DO NOT engage with other members in this way.

You have the opportunity to report a post that you find offensive and let the Moderators handle it but it is never acceptable to resort to this type of posting when you are frustrated.

Take a few days away from this thread if you need to and put members on ignore who irritate you but leave the drama and ugly posting off of the threads.

Thanks,
Medusa

Domestic Violence Against Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transexual People of Color
 

Heterosexism, homophobia and transphobia are likely to be the primary social oppressions faced by white lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) victims;these interact with racism to complicate the situation for victims of color. LGBT people may encounter homophobia/transphobia in situations that are supposed to be safe for people of color and, racism in places that are supposed to be safe for LGBT people.

Triple Jeopardy

LGBT victims of color encounter a kind of triple-jeopardy:

RACISM among DV advocates and in LGBT community

HETEROSEXISM in community of color

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE involving additional abusive tactics

Racism among service providers and authorities
LGBT survivors of color are usually not in policiy-making or leadership positions
in DV service agencies, so advocates may not consider their perspectivies, or may not be aware of, important parts of their experience, including:

--Their experience of encountering helpers (even in shelters or support groups that are promoted as safe for victims) and authorities who make stereotypical assumptions:

That the partner of color in a racially mixed relationship is likely to be the abuser

That People of Color are more aggressive and more likely to fight back than white victims (making it particularly unlikely that authorities will recognize the fact that they are being abused

--The reluctance of victims of color to report their partners to the criminal justice system, because:

Police and courts respond more strongly to violence by
people of color than to violence against them

They don't want their partner to be exposed to racist attacks in jail (and abusers may use this to keep their partners from calling the police

--The conflicting loyalties that can trap LGBT victims of color in relationships with abusers:

For instance,"...many lesbians of color who are experiencing relationship violence express a need to protect both their communities and themselves from the retaliation of the dominant White and heterosexual society that would use lesbian battering to further stigmatize and oppress them"

The need to protect their community of color can affect an LGBT victim of color's choices about whether to seek services

Racism in LGBT Communities
Primarily White LGBT agencies may view the concerns of people of color as divisionary or irrelevant to LGBT work, leading people of color to feel excluded from LGBT spaces and organizations. Again, they may not be included in policy-making and leadership positions. LGBT victims of color may feel pressure to "choose" which identity is most central to them (either you're black/latina/asian/Puerto Rican or you're gay).

Homophobia and transphobia in communities of color
Some communities of color may not want to recognize that LGBT people of color exist, much less affirm them. They may try to "protect themselves from further racist attack by dissociating themselves from 'social deviants'[LGBT people] that not even White people want in the midst." Communities of color may see LGBT people of color as betraying their community by choosing to live their sexual identity rather than perpetuate the community by marrying and having children. (This is an example of how a stereotype of LGBT people--that they don't have children--interacts with racism, which makes the community feel that its existence is threatened).

Race related tactics

-Using racial epithets & negative racial stereotypes

-Using partner's reluctance to involve police and knowledge of history of police abuse of people of color to discourage them from seeking help

Victim is a person of color

The abuser my battery by:

Using white or light skin privilege.

Using master/slave S/M scenes.

Exploiting partner's internalized racism.

Outing or threatening to out partner to family, or others in community of
color.



Abuser if person of color
If the victim is white, the abuser may batter by:

Blaming own abusiveness on partner's use of white privilege.

Dismissing partner's objection to violence as white uptightness.

Labeling partner as racist for accusing them of abuse.

Excusing own abusiveness as "culturally appropriate" communication or
behavior.

Insisting that abuser would be subjected to racist responses if partner
sought help. (For instance, telling them that their calling the police would
expose partner to racist attacks in jail.)



Difficulty finding help
Victims and perpetrators do encounter racist responses from helpers and authorities; the knowledge that this may happen can also be used by abusers to confuse and immobilize their partners. Victims of color frequently encounter service providers and authorities who:

Are both racist and homophobic/transphobic.

Believe that it's normal for people of color to live with abuse.

Are not sensitive to DV, and racism, and homophobia and transphobia.

Have a history of hostile response to both LGBT people and people of color (
treating victims as perpetrators, seeing violence as mutual, etc.)

Locate services only in white communities.

Apply a one-size-fits-all approach to domestic violence.





























>source<

A diffrent kind of abuse,but still the same.
 

We have spoken about spousal abuse and family abuse,but there is another kind that so often we may not see till we finely beleve it's happening.It comes from the people we keep in our friendship circle,it happends in small amounts when someone starts to nit pick about one thing or the other so we give them the benefit of doubt cause they may be having a bad day for whatever reason so it may not be so noticeable till it raises it's ugly head.I have had to drop people out of my circle of friends because of the icky feeling and down right being tired of the attitude that is causing the problem.At the moment I have a so called friend who is carying a big grudge over something that could have been avoided if she had included the whole team in the trip planing for us to to to Vegas for the nationals pool championships.So far the effects of what she did has been far reaching because of her actions.Being around her has become toxic so many of us on the teams have either droped her from the team list or left the teams we all have played on with her,she is also talking smack about every one who she thinks have done her wrong when no one has done a thing but get away from the trouble then move on.Personaly I will be so glad to not have to deal with her nasty comments plus bad behavior.Yes,I have spoken to her about this with no good out come.

TruTexan,my friend I am proud of you as well as anyone who is no longer silent,the abuser shouldn't ever get away with what they have done,silence is the way they can keep doing the dastardly deed's they do...It'also a way for use to heal by voicing what they did.

This is a form of abuse. I know where the abuser to have power over their victim. It can ruin a persons reputation, their livelihood and cause a boat load of problems for them.

Its hard when ur the victim and the abuser keeps threatening to cause problems for you by reporting falsley to the police or to other ppl that you they are the victim when in fact they are the abuser.

They is also the fact where the abuser will set out to ruin the other person for leaving them, standing up for themselves.

I have had everything but my clothing stolen and I believe if they had the chance they would have done something to them also. I have lost to abusers my freedom also. What i have lost to them of worldly possessions doesnt equal what I have lost in me.

I can replace in time what worldly possessions I have lost if i choose to but what I have lost of ME I dont know if I will get back. IM working on it and in time I will see and until then I refuse to allow anyone to have that power over me

Im stepping off my soap box now

This post really touched me, the way you broke down the systematic behavior and subsequent doubt. I'm somebody who is always questioning whether or not I'm misunderstanding something.

I often miss "the obvious" (whatever that is) and don't see that someone is trying to mess with my head, be subtle or be passive aggressive at all. It simply doesn't register with me. I take everything said to me and in front of me literally. When you're a literal person, I know this is going to sound weird, I'm sure it's frustrating for the abuser.

I mean, think about it from their point of view. You're trying to really "get someone's goat" by being subtle and it's going over their and they're still staring at you with stars in their eyes. (I can't even imagine how disgusted my ex partner was by this). She had no choice but to up the ante. That's sick I know but I really believe that was a source of frustration for her.

I firmly believe when someone has limited social understanding or is simply very literal and trusting, they can be at risk for not only being targeted by abusers and may be in danger of honestly believing that they are the problem no matter how ridiculous the accusation. I know I definitely fell for this over and over again.

My ex was distinctly aware of my social confusion and lack of experience and took full advantage. Eventually, my only means of escape was to completely deny I had any needs and never ask for anything for fear of "rocking the boat". No matter what I did or how hard I tried, nothing was ever right. The sad thing is, I didn't figure out it wasn't me until it was very close to the end.

It's amazing how that can happen. It's almost like a type of brainwashing.

Wow, just wow.

Brilliant.

Thank you.

I second the "Wow". This is incredible. It breaks the warning signs of an emotionally abusive relationship down so clearly. Thank you so much for this.