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Who knew we had a gay team in the NFL! :D |
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Good morning, boys and girls.....
It's time for a holiday story from your Auntie Diva!! :happyjump: Simmah down, now...... Yes....yesterday was a wonderful day for your Auntie Diva, boys and girls! First, the excitement began when your Auntie Diva visited the Amazon.com and ordered her own Christmas present ~ The Bread Bible by Rose Beranbaum. Let us pray, boys and girls, let us pray. :praying: Because, as we all know, good bread can be a religious experience. :lol2: Auntie Diva kills herself with her sharp~edged humor. Party on, Garth. :hangloose: When the excitement from that even died down, I received a message from your cousin PupSchmoopieSchmoop (she is distantly related, as you may recall, to SnoopDoggieDog) and your cousin OilCan......did I want to go for a drive to take in the Christmas lights in The Hill Country? Now, at first, boys and girls, your Auntie Diva finds herself suspicious of ANYone asking her to 'go for a drive in the country'.......I have SEEN The Godfather! But this was your cousin Schmoop, after all. She was just being respectful of the elderly ~ like I used to be of your Great Aunt Lois ~ knowing she doesn't get out much and likes to go for a Sunday afternoon drive on a foggy Saturday night. :dozey: So, I was excited to go and wore my best floral and bedazzled Christmas sweater and Sunday pill~box hat (yes, boys and girls, the one with the little netting with the rhinestones) and off we went.....into the foggy night! Of course, I am in the backseat, which gave me license to navigate for your cousin OilCan (who IS from your California/Mississippi area and cannot possibly know his way around our Texas Hill Country) and your cousin Schmoop (we're not sure WHERE she comes from, but she DOES live in your Cedar Park....I always need an extra shot of oxygen before your Auntie Diva travels way [the hell] up there!). We drive through the Dripping Springs. We did not stop for their oh~so~yummy Vodka, much to your Auntie Diva's dismay. What kind of trip WAS this!??!?!?! Then we got to The Johnson City, hometown to our beloved President Johnson, but not really, because his ranch is further up the road apiece. Those townspeople just wanted a piece of the action. Jus' sayin'..... The fog was thick, boys and girls, and your cousin Schmoop was using her cell phone to get directions.....we thought we had gone too far, so we turned around and backtracked, only to find out that we had not gone far enough. Cousin OilCan was unCANny in his knowledge of the turning~around places. Auntie Diva was impressed, even though many times, the turning~around place shook your Auntie Diva's teeth right out of her head. Pillbox remained intact, however. Yea, little Pillbox hat, yea! So we found our first destination....a country drive~through Christmas lights extravaganza!!!!!! :twitch: There was a slight problem, boys and girls in that the path which these good folks created was many times only wide enough for one car to pass. But that's ok....we tuned our radio to 1498.7 AM and enjoyed Bobby Darin singing All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth, accompanied by the Trans~Static Universal Orchestra. The tension mounted, boys and girls, as we approached the LIVE NATIVITY SCENE. Before we got too close, Gabriel was giving instructions to Joseph and the shepherd standing on a box (it was a child, but they put him on a box to make him appear taller....how many 7'9" shepherds with the face of a child do YOU know, boys and girls? That's what I thought!).....and, as cousin OilCan's automotive vehicle reached a certain place, Gabriel cued them and they magically FROZE in Christmas card goodness.......I blame cousin Schmoop for not bringing tissues. It was a tender moment. Yet, I watched the angel Gabriel's eyes......they followed our car like a scary Harry Potter painting...... I cannot tell you, boys and girls just how exciting it was to drive through the display.....the mobile home covered in hundreds of pale blue lights with the animated mailbox was particularly touching! But as we neared the end of the drive, what MOOved us most of all was the lit~up Santa on the stagecoach.....the cedar fence behind him.....and seeing the cows on the other side.......mocking us. Only in Texas,boys and girls.....only in Texas! The saga will continue......oh no.....You KNOW there's more! Signed, Your Auntie Diva, who channelled great Aunt Lois with her pillbox hat |
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LMFAO
damn i wish i was there that sounds like a friggin hilarious ride |
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OMG we laughed SO hard, cousin OvenMits! :D Yes.....you post, you're adopted! Cuz that's the way we roll here in Auntie Diva's House of Horrors Family! :cupid: Yes....it's like a pointed stick, right through your schnozz..... |
Hahaha! I love it!
More! More! :) ~cara |
And so, boys and girls....the saga of Auntie Diva and The Christmas Lights Tour continues......
It was a dark and stormy night......wait. Sorry. That's another thread.....:rofl: I think my pillbox hat is too tight. So......your cousins OilCan, PupSchmoopieSchmoop and I depart the Johnson City Trailer Park Light Festival and back into the fog on to Marble Falls. Drive, boys and girls, drive! The fog was so amazingly thick, I was thankful I didn't have to drive, boys and girls, yet I was able to scoot to the center of the back seat to lend my support, of course. There may be some (including your cousin OilCan) who MAY call that backseat driving. Of course, I would never do that. I noticed throughout our journey that it was sometimes difficult to find our way to our destination....some might have blamed the fog, boys and girls. But your Auntie Diva blamed it on the night. It was just plain hard to see. Of course, then there is the dilemma of seeing the holiday lights in the daytime. So there ya go. We managed to get ourselves to The Marble Falls and again, we were like 3 lost lambs (ewe know? :simplelaugh: ) trying to find those lights. This particular light festival was a walking tour. We moseyed around and found their historic downtown area......but there was no one walking around....and their downtown lights were.....well, yes, boys and girls....they were sweet and all.....but we drove all this way to see THIS? I'm pretty sure our collective pillboxes were askew! We KNEW this couldn't be right! But that cousin OilCan, urged on by your cousin PupSchmoopieSchmoop (some might call that backseat driving from the front seat, but I call it navigation), kept driving......drive cousin OilCan, drive! WAIT! We saw a line of cars!!!! Are You on the edge of your seats, boys and girls!?!?! YES!!!!!!!! We found them! We turned a corner and BOOM! There they were!!! Up that......HILL. And we parked, of course, at said BOTTOM. Yes, boys and girls, your Auntie Diva said 'bottom'. :seconddoh: We got out and started up the hill.....your Auntie Diva wishing the Christmas Lights On The Hill SHUTTLE...but there was none. One thing we found disconcerting, boys and girls.......we were in the minority going up that hill (aside from the fact that the 3 of us were as queer as a trio of $3 bills, of course), as we were going UP said hill, but everyone ELSE was coming DOWN said hill. We paused to query, "Was it closing?" Oh HELL to the naw, boys and girls! Your Auntie Diva was prepared to raise all KINDS of holy hell to the baby Jeebus in the manger if that thing was CLOSED after trekking her ass up that damned hill!!! Forgive your Auntie Diva's potty mouth, boys and girls. I blame the tight pillbox hat for her lapse in judgement. Let me re~center...:ohm: Ok. Now where was I? Oh.....yes......walking up that damned hill. So we kept climbing......and lo and behold, boys and girls, there was an actual PARKING LOT at the top of that hill! It was a HALF~EMPTY PARKING LOT, boys and girls!!! Your cousin OilCan did not pick up on the MULTIPLE hints that we would wait for him right there if he wanted to go get the car and park up THERE. Of course, walking DOWN the hill WOULD be easier.....unless your Auntie Diva fell and started to snowball......THAT would not be pretty, but by God, that pillbox was NOT gonna leave my head, boys and girls! But I digress. THIS Holiday Lights extravaganza was MUCH better, boys and girls! And I looked and looked but there was no lit~up mobile home......they do things just a bit differently in your Marble Falls! There were all manner of festiveness, boys and girls......we travelled through a "light tunnel" of blue and white lights.....we saw another Santa on a stagecoach.....and Santa on a covered wagon....and Santa on a jetski....followed closely by Rudolph on skis.......then we had the elves putting presents on the sleigh! THAT was exciting! There were angels all lit up and all manner of trees in various colors and heights and light genres ~ we had your LEDS, your TRADITIONAL twinkles and your rope lights (yes, your Auntie Diva said "rope")......your Auntie Diva was MESMERIZED at the various and sundry light creations! Who sits around and thinks UP all this stuff? Those crazy, mad~cap MarbleFALLS people, THAT'S who! Did I mention that they allowed the screaming children into this thing? Are there no RULES? OH! And WE saw The Marble Falls Santa!!! At first, we thought HE was all lit up, too, but no. He was sober. I had absolutely NO idea that they speak with a heavy Texas twang at the North Pole, TOO! But it's TRUE! AND, there was a cute little trailer which had some VERY yummy, powdery hot cocoa. Thank you, cousin OilCan! Now, you might think to yourselves, boys and girls, "SURELY, Auntie Diva, SURELY this must be the END of your exquisite journey to The Marble Falls Festival of Light Land!" But NO! We were but half~way through this electrical extravaganza!!!! Be still my heart!!! No......your Auntie Diva was having palpitations as the path way slanted a bit and it was messing with your Auntie Diva's vertigo. (And yet, the pillbox maintained!) There were MORE light tunnels......more baby Jeebuses......more VoltageVirginMariesonaDonkeh......it was just almost more excitement than 3 city folk could stand, boys and girls, but we struggled on! Then we came to The Big Tree, which was a mini Zilker Park Tree, but it was a tree under which we could spin! Your Auntie Diva managed one spin, then had to hang onto the pole ~ which brought up memories of her younger days. But that's another story for when you're older, boys and girls. And then.....what's that off in the distance????? Could it BE???? Why YES, boys and girls....this WAS special!! It WAS your equal~opportunity festival of PC electrification! Off in the distance......sitting proudly between the water~skiing Santa and the caught~in~the~shower~with~his~antlers~down Rudolph was....YES! It was the token, golden Menorrah, boys and girls. Our tour was complete. I mean.....just how can one group of people out~do themselves after THAT? It just cannot be done, boys and girls. And so, with our collective misty eyes, we bid adieu to The Marbel Falls Festival of The Electrified Baby Jeebus. And you may THINK that would have been enough. But NO,boys and girls! Your cousin PupSchmoopieSchmoop teased me with reports of the Holiday Lights in THEIR neighborhood. How could your Auntie Diva say no? She could not. And the saga continues.......... Signed, Auntie Diva, who managed not to dislodge the pillbox hat by rolling down the hill..... (Dammit, Linus! Why is there no pillbox smilie?!?!?!?!?!) |
Cousin Oilcan drives MUCH better with help from Cousin Schmoopiepoop and Auntie Diva. Just sayin.
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Truer words........I think it helped for us to sing "Baby Jeebus, Take The Wheel".......don't You, cousin SchmoopiePoop? :thumbsup: |
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That's because [wicked] cousin OilCan had the Cocoa Trailer People put something spikey in your Auntie Diva's cocoa powder. That's it. Cousin OilCan? Go get me a switch from the pecan tree! |
hahahahahahahha lmfao baby jeebus take the wheel
omg thats funny you guys would have me rolling so hard |
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PS. Being that my name is Jaqueline...I LOVE PILLBOX hats...just saying. |
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Yes.....being in a car full of haters & a woman in a pillbox IS hysterical! :thumbsup: |
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Of COURSE, cousin Princess.......sometimes, it made me laugh just a little bit to let go of their little hands and watch them run amok around the lit~up menorrah, or the bales of hay for the lit~up donkeys.... The cousins amuse me so, it's almost WORTH having the pillbox hat cut off the circulation to my brain.....:angel: |
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And the Cocoa trailer people seemed like they were in shock or something, lol. I mean, you know,,it's hard mixing water and cocoa powder in a trailer. I do wish all the cousins could join us at the cocoa trailer! What fun that would be,,for us. The locals might not be so amused though,,, Cousin OilCan |
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Yes, the Cocoa Trailer people would get an eyeful, wouldn't they cousin Oilcan, if all the cousins ran amok at the Light Display....:hippie: I can see cousin Shizzle trying to climb up on Santa's stagecoach:riding2: or cousin GemmieLicious trying to climb into baby Jeebus's manger.:innocent: I kept waiting for that trailer to break free and roll into the ribber, as we were rather on an incline.......Your Auntie Diva felt like a mountain goat.....a mountain goat with vertigo.....:goat: Signed, Auntie Diva on the slant.....gotta hate THAT! |
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How did I KNOW this? I've made you a t-shirt, cousin Gemmie, that says, "I Slept With The Baby Jeebus & All I Got Was This Stupid T~Shirt?!?!" That is all. Signed, ~Auntie Diva CEO of Auntie Diva's T~Shirts-R-Us |
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:choir: |
Good afternoon, boys and girls, and Merry Holidays Eve!
I have a Christmas story for you about My Evil Postman and The Case Of The Runaway Mailbox.............. For weeks now, I have noticed that my mailbox was getting tiltier and tiltier....sorta like your cousin Lips toward the end of one of your Auntie Diva's soirees...... But I digress...... So, I have waited with bated breath lo these many days (notice I said "lo", boys and girls, just like the baby Jeebus's angel said to the shepherds tending their flocks....I wanted to make the story relevant for the children) for an opportune moment to actually FIX that mailbox as the postman wasn't treating it with care as he deposited my mail. I'm not exactly sure, boys and girls, what his issue was and why it was so difficult to just slide the mail in, seeing as the DOOR to the mailbox fell off months ago. :army: ANYway.... I was sitting at my desk just a few moments ago, minding my own bees wax, playing Shoot The Balloon (or whatEVER it's called) and my doorbell rings. Normally, I would not answer the door, boys and girls, but your cousin OilCan and your cousin Schmoopie were out of town, so I knew it was safe to answer. Lo and behold, a stranger from the east, boys and girls. No. Really. I've never seen such a strange looking man. And why was he standing on my porch..........and holding my mailbox????? :twitch: I opened my door. "Hi....my name is Shawn," he said (so it WASN'T Sasquatch?!?!?!?), and I think this might be yours. It wasn't hard to figure it out, really, as yours is the only house on the street without a mailbox." (smartass) And he held up my doorless mailbox! "OH MY GOODNESS," I exclaimed. "Where do live?" "About 4 doors down on the other side of the street," he replied. "We had some strong winds last night, I guess." He spoke the truth. Even Lucy had barked at the noise of the wind, boys and girls. I opened my door and he handed me my mailbox. Thank GOODness, I had bought a NEW mailbox.....2 years ago. Now.....maybe you're remembering, boys and girls, that I mentioned my evil postman? Yes. As your Auntie Diva was waiting for more Christmas cards, the postman just whizzed right by your Auntie Diva's house!!! Could he not have dropped off my mail????? Was that too much to ask? My FORMER mailchick WOULD have. SHE would have LOOKED for my poor, doorless, lost and windblown mailbox......and brought it to me.......and PROBABLY would have offered to fix it for me, too. She was cute that way. And that, boys and girls, was the story of The Evil Postman, Sasquatch and Auntie Diva's Windblown Mailbox. Signed, Auntie Diva......looking for cousin M, as SHE used to work for the postal service & she's wondering if it's "...neither rain, nor snow, nor WIND TURBULENCE or dark of night....." if THAT'S the way that goes..... |
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I'm pretty sure tha's the way it goes. If'n the post office wasn't closed now, I'd go complain for you. :dots: |
It's ok, cousin GemmieLicious!
I have a new mailbox!!! Of course, I can't find any screws the right size to go into the holes (don't go there, Missy Miss!) :blah: so in the morning, I MAY be standing in the driveway, holding the box...... :builder: |
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Yanno, that's one way to make sure the mail guy actually stops at your house. Don't forget to flash some leg, Ryan says. |
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Tell cousin Toolboy we don't want the good postman to crash the truck...... We don't have a mailman smilie, do we? |
Good afternoon, boys and girls!
It's time for another story from your Auntie Diva! :choir: Today's story is about your Auntie Diva's Anit~Peach Cobbler Extravaganza.... And the reason it was an 'extravaganza' was because your cousin Pixie was there.....otherwise, it would have been just a regular ol' anti~peach cobbler....Ohhhhhh....Ahhhhhhh...I hear you all saying! It's true! So. I'm making a simple dinner for your cousin Pixie and I one night....(your cousin Pixie is one of those Vegetanarians, ya know, so it was a challenge for your Auntie Diva, the carnivore....). I made the Vegetanerian Chili, boys and girls.....it actually turned out pretty good ok....and it was even better after I added my browned ground sirloin. :| Where was I? Oh yes..... So...la la la, boys and girls....I was going to make a special treat for your cousin Pixie.....your Auntie Diva's Mama's (that's right, your Gra'ma Sybil's) Peach Cobbler! Yum, boys and girls, YUM! First....(are you taking notes?) you melt a stick of butter (where do you think Paula Deen got this idea from? Your Gra'ma Sybil, that's who!) in a Pyrex dish in the oven.....so of course, I did this. While it melted, I made the batter....the usual things: flour, sugar, baking powder, milk..... And then I went to get the peaches from the pantry......<opening door to pantry> Your Auntie Diva does this...... :| There are no peaches. :| :| What to do, what to do???? And I cannot waste these perfectly good ingredients.....so I started to think....if I haven't any peaches, whatever can I substitute? That can of pumpkin pie filling back there? Oh what manner of heinous fuckery would THAT be? No, no, no, boys and girls. Cream of mushroom soup? Uh........no. Then I had a brilliant idea.....Ameretto! Oh yes, boys and girls, I aimed to get your cousin Pixie tipsy on alcoholic cobbler! :D So I put about 1/2 of Ameretto in the batter.....ok, maybe it was a cup. Then I sprinkled some pecans in and some cinnamon and dumped the batter into the butter....sans peaches.....and put it in the oven to bake. I must admit, boys and girls, that it did smell mighty fine. But the proof, as we all know, is in the pudding. Or rather ~ in this case ~ the Alcoholic Anti~Peach Cobbler. I tasted first, after we consumed mass quantities of salad and chili and whole wheat rolls....just so your cousin Pixie wouldn't fall down drunk in a stupor. And I was rather surprised! The top was all torched & glazed over...much like your creme brulee` ~ and the only thing that would have made it BETTER (your cousin Pixie and I had discussion about this) would have been a dollop (or 6) of Vanilla Bean Blue Bell on top. And that, boys and girls, is the story of your Auntie Diva's Anti~Peach Cobbler. Signed, Your Auntie Diva, Screw~Up Chef to all the cousins...:chef: :formalbow: |
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It was fabulous Auntie Diva!!!! Don't forget the amazing cinnamon butterfly decoration You concocted on top!! It was the Icing on the, well...the ice cream on the..... it was great!!! :D |
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Mmmmmm....sirloin....:bbq: |
** getting comfy with my blankie and reading the stories**... dozin off......... **yyawwwnnnnnnn** ........... zzZZZzzZzzzzzzZZzzZZzzzzzzz |
Damn!! I didn't know this thread was here. :shocking: Now I gotta go allllll the way back to the beginning and get all caught up.
Wait.......is there a Readers Digest version of this thread??? :reader: |
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Cousin GemmieLicious? It's your cousin Bodacious, come to stalk you again!!!! :giggle: |
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Cat?? We have a cat? :cat: Gemmie looooooooves me. I just KNOW it.. :gimmehug::cheer::heartbeat::sparklyheart::awww: :kissy: |
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:whoop: :coffee: Hide the good stuff! Quote:
As I posted in the :| thread, I am no longer disillusioned as to what you do and do not know. |
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ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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I know you wuv me. :awww: |
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You Auntie Diva is glad she has stock in Kleenex.....sometimes, it gives her a wam and fuzzy feeling to see the cousins tiff.
Or maybe that's the Ben Gay. :scarytv: |
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:| hehehe -Mr. Moon |
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That would be fried, Mr. Moon. It is a culinary household, after all....<giggle> "Hammered" is for boys. :seeingstars: |
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