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I dont know if this is true for anyone else but I remember in blinding detail the negative comments that other women have made to me. Very rarely do comments from Butches, Transmen, or Men sting me in the same way. (well, except there WAS that one time that an ex of mine circulated a rumor that I was actually a man :) ) Perhaps its because of the desired validation. Perhaps its because of my family history with other women. Perhaps its an acceptance thing. I think that for me, a tiny part of it feels like a violation. Cant put my finger on it just yet. |
I have a problem with compliments. If somebody tells me I am pretty, I do NOT believe them and am immediately suspect. I was a total outcast in school and started high school at the age of 12. When I finally gained some self confidence it was because I had succeeded immensely in my professional life. Then one day I went to gay pride and got run down. My self worth plummeted because I emerged from a coma a completely different person. I have never felt part of a group or a crowd, yet everyone assumes I am and that I float through life with no worries. Why is is SO much easier for me to take a stinging comment than a compliment? :hammer:
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I think the things that hurt the most are the things you hear behind your back. 'Dusa, if I had known that sort of email was circulating after the get-together in KC, I would have said something. Honestly, I think that situation is more telling of the people writing and sending the email than anything. And I hear you about both the amazing and painful aspects of that event.
Also, I think the horrible, ugly comments stay with us the longest because we have a nature to dwell on the negative. Well, I shouldn't speak for all femmes. I should say *I* have a tendency to dwell on the negative. As I get older and more comfortable in my own skin, I'm finding it easier to let it roll off my shoulders, though. I'm also finding it easier to leave the rubbish where I found it. You don't like me because I'm fat, shy, and quirky? Good! One more narrow-minded person out of my life. :heart: |
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Or was. One of the things I'm working on. Goofy can tell y'all all stories about me but one in particular is the time he was too ill to go to a party at Pup's and I broke down into hysterical tears because I was terrified to go by myself. Terrified. Nearly threw up on the way there. But I went. And it was fine. But y'all will never know the horrific anxiety attack I had. What makes it funny is that it wasn't even my first time there. I'd been to Pup's several times. But never without my security blanket. Not sure Goof enjoyed being told he was a security blanket, but that's how I rolled. Really working on not doing that anymore. Proudly I can say I've been to several functions where I didn't go with anyone and I survived. I still get panicky. I still try to figure out reasons not to go, but I am determined to make myself go. Quote:
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It sucks to live life expecting to be talked about. It sucks worse to have it come to fruition. Quote:
Wow. I just wrote five sentences of negativity and deleted each one. Apparently, my joy meter is low today. :) ANYWHO! It would be a positive thread and you couldn't deny what was said about you. Only say thanks and accept it. We all need lessons in learning how to believe in the hype others tell us about ourselves. :) Quote:
I'm fortunate here in Austin. That sort of thing seems to be very limited. We have good people here. Quote:
You are a bobble-headed woman who weebles when you are tired and you wear a wooden spoon around your neck and I love you. How's that? Quote:
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Haha! I *still* can't figure out that quote thingy, but sure, Arwen. I'll be your fat, shy, and quirky femme crush! :D
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P.S. I like the Mirror thread idea!!!
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Then look down to the right of this post. See the four buttons? Quote will quote this. The plus sign will mark this as one you want to quote. Then you can + as many as you like. Then you hit Quote on the last one and voila (or walla, lol) you have multiple posts to edit and quote around. Helpful? |
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In reference to Medusa's "Flippant" thread, the term special has been used by, for and around me all my life, so maybe my view with it is all screwed up. *shrug* I don't know. I had a train. It had thoughts, but I'll be damned if I know where it went. Quote:
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Thanks for explaining. :bowdown: :stillheart: |
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My friend used high maintenance to describe herself. This was about the very first time I have ever heard that being used. (Which is why when I hear that, I automatically think of her). Will come back to this when I have more time (and am more awake). ;) |
...I wasn't really drunk, btw. Just trying to be funny. Don't think it worked, though. ;)
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Chuckles. |
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I missed this convo... :stillheart:
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Everything I've seen tells me that what most straight women obsess over is whether or not they're fat. When you really think about it, I think it might be the same thing, because after all, what does our culture tell us is the reason for an otherwise straight woman to diet? It's to be sexy--and that means it's to please the sexual partners. Is there any way to separate out sexual desirability from femininity? Only by talking about it, working it through, bringing the hidden messages to the forefront (like we're doing here)... and I personally don't see most straight women doing this, because yanno... they don't talk about being feminine, they talk about being fat. Quote:
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The good news is twofold: one, we ARE doing that analysis, and two, we've made a lot of progress in the past several years. Quote:
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I think we don't see it about ourselves because our brainwashing/societal conditioning goes so deep. The moment we can believe on some level that we might be pretty, the OTHER societal conditioning snaps into play--yanno, that one that says, "Shhhh! Don't say anything positive or the gods will strike you DOWN! Don't jinx yourself!" When you have to fight your way through not just societally implanted images of beauty, but also societally implanted fears of positive thought AND societally implanted fears of being punished, it takes a while to see yourself truly. I like your Mirror thread, btw. You did a wonderful job with it! |
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Is the high femme really the pinnacle of femininity for the larger culture? I am not sure if I agree with that. I think femininity is not what the focus of the larger culture is. It seems more like a sexual image is the pinnacle. I don't associate that image with femme or high femme. I guess I don't see it is a highly sexualized image. Femme and high femme are more of a package than an outward sexy image. Am I not seeing things right here? I have a very different idea of what feminine is and how I want to express that since I have come out. Looking or behaving sexy is not part of that. |
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Oh, and the Mirror thread was Arwen's idea but I consider it a thread for all of us. :) |
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It used to be that "lady" was the pinnacle of femininity--that Donna Reed/Doris Day perfectly-coiffed-and-pearled image--and it used to be that even the comediennes were "proper ladies." (Think Lucy, Mary Tyler Moore, or Carol Burnett...) Even the smoldering sex kittens were still "ladies" when I was paying attention. (Marilyn, especially--she had icon status already when I was a teenager.) I don't think I would call any of today's big stars "ladies." You're right that the pinnacle has changed. Quote:
Well, okay, so I don't obey very well, lol... I would just have to be the Abbess or something. Mother Top. :eyebat: I'm not certain how to answer you articulately... I was SO squashed before I came out, and it was only the power of wild lust that drove me to take a chance on loving a woman. There was nothing intellectual about THAT decision, no analysis; I didn't even have the language to understand a discussion like we're having today. Hell, I couldn't even admit that I was a Lesbian for years. When I finally got over the "I'm not a lesbian; I just happened to fall in love with a woman" phase, I stayed stuck in the "I must be bisexual" phase for a couple more years. So for me, being Femme and being a sexual being, they are tied so tightly together that they're the same thing. For me, sexuality is part of femininity and I cannot see how I could be a Femme in any other way. BUT certainly I am not a sexual being like the stars of pop culture are; to begin with, their image of sexuality is my image of famine, so I'm stymied at the get-go. Does any of this even make sense or am I rambling like crazy here? I think I have to go make some tea and get caffeinated... well, anyhow, thank you for responding, Julie, and for your insights about what society promotes these days. I appreciate it. |
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