Originally Posted by dark_crystal (Post 1251910)

Thanks, CCB <3

The program she recommended was not for ED, she said i would be doing intense work on boundaries?

I just...i went to inpatient when i was 17 and it was hugely disruptive and not terribly beneficial. Times have changed since 1987, and outpatient would not have quite that same level of disruption, but it would have some.

Also there is the other whole project of me trying to change jobs. That is also a strong recommendation bc I get re-traumatized every month just by attending Board Meeting.

I do have a month's worth of sick days that i could spend on outpatient, but if i don't use them i will get them back in cash if i leave. That extra cash is what is going to make it possible for me to survive the massive pay cut that is looking pretty inevitable.

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch (Post 1251885)

I did go to the dungeon last night. It turned out great! The way the dungeon is set up there's two separate lounges with the main play space between them. I stayed in the middle lounge and he was smart enough to stay in the back. If I needed food or drink I had a submissive fetch it for me because the kitchen is back there too.

I didn't do my scene as originally planned but I had fun just cuddling and hanging out with my new play partner, and we had a group playing kinky Jenga at one point. I just ignored him and did my own thing and it worked out. I got into a "fuck him" mindset and I felt protected by my friends.

I'm glad you have a friend to sit with you in church. I hope it goes ok!!! Yes, if you come out of church crying hysterically it is definitely not worth it. You have to feel safe even if it, sadly, means removing yourself from that church. I will be thinking of you too and sending you good energies for tomorrow!

Originally Posted by dark_crystal (Post 1251905)

My eating disorder has been active the last couple of weeks. I had a couple of doctor appointments and i did not follow the protocol of turning my back to the scale while getting weighed.

(i know there is an ED thread but my ED is how my PTSD likes to manifest)

The number was far higher than i could handle. Since then i have been tempted daily to download the calorie counting app to my phone and "get the situation under control."

Also i didn't have a secretary for almost 2 months, so i was having to do my own catering orders, and the process of polling everyone for their box lunch preferences was too much, bc i hate talking about food with people. When it came time to proof the final order i came very close to just not doing it and approving it w/o looking. I forced myself to check it finally and there was an error on my boss's order.

ALSO we had a "benefits fair" at work when wellness-type vendors can come and set up booths. I could not read the sign on a table and approached too close and the vendor started trying to sell me weight-loss coaching and low-calorie snack bars, even though the dress i was wearing was showing all the bones in my decolletage. I left the building.

Anyway, yesterday morning i could not stand it and finally weighed myself and the number was my very favorite number.

Now Mr. Jenny is worried about THAT, and immediately cooked pancakes for breakfast-- and although I feel better, i still want to download the calorie counter app.

Also i am not looking forward to therapy on Thursday, as my therapist has already recommended a month in outpatient treatment-- and refusing that along with my continued refusal to take SSRIs is making me seem difficult.

Its the ED that won't let me take SSRIs. Even if they didn't cause weight gain, they cause constipation and that is super-triggering. I convinced the Dr. to just let me have Ativans instead, for rescue when situations get bad, but i won't take those either bc of the constipation. I've had the same bottle of 30 pills since April.

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic (Post 1251977)

I could not bring myself to go....But, good news. I think he has been asked to leave the church and has gone. I sure hope so!

So glad you are OK and Dungeon went well!

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch (Post 1252054)

I did my EMDR yesterday. I'm feeling exhausted and a little unsteady, which is normal. My therapist said I might be up and down for a couple days before I notice some positive effects of the EMDR. I've only done it once before this and I found that to be the case.

I'm trying to ground and use visualizations if my safe place to get through. It's helping. I'm going to do some painting as well. That session was fucking INTENSE. I didn't sleep well last night and I'm still tired. But. I get to see my baby niece today and I'm staying overnight so I will get lots of soothing girl time.

Originally Posted by Kätzchen (Post 1252126)

Tonight, I had my first session of EMDR with my transgendered therapist. It was so intense that I was yelling and experiencing a wide range of emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, rage - in some cases). I feel safe with my new therapist, but that is largely due to working on lots of other issues with my previous therapist, over the past year.

I had a very rough day today at work, so my therapy session was timely.

I don't really have any expectations for the end result of utilizing EMDR. I just know if the few sessions we have scheduled will bring about some sort of desired result, then I will count it as success. The good news, is that we only do EMDR once a month, because it's very exhausting work.

I feel wiped out, tonight.

Thanks for holding space for me, as I continue the process of achieving some level of healing in my life.

Appreciatively, ~ K.

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic (Post 1252101)

I have found EMDR very helpful, but yes, it does take everything out of me. I have to schedule it at the end of the day. Over time though, when I look back at the traumas I have had EMDR around, I can really tell that my memories are more smoothed out and blurred at the edges. Brain spotting is also very helpful. Have you had that? Its more for if you don't know what exactly is activating your PTSD. EMDR seems more event specific. I have found them both really useful.

I am glad that you went and I hope this gives you the relief you need. (f) I am so thankful for these therapies that can help us function in the world.

Therapist has something new to try next time I go. I used to have this anger inside I could call on when I needed it. and its just gone now. Then dud groped me, I froze and my throat closed up. What the Hell? I used to be tough as nails and now I freaking freeze. Where is that girl? Where is Helga the Prison Guard? (my former nickname at work by my employees) I don't know where she is. We are going to try to find her. :)

From what I have been told, groper man is not longer at church and they are supposed to have a meeting after church this Sunday to discuss changes in personnel. So I plan to go and see what happens. I have good support I can sit with. I really hope I can get back to it being a safe place for me.

OK, and on the subject of safe places...it just seems daunting and impossible to remove PTSD trigger occurrences. As well as I try to be.

Anyways, love to all of you! (f)(f)(f)(f)(f)

Originally Posted by Kätzchen (Post 1252126)

Tonight, I had my first session of EMDR with my transgendered therapist. It was so intense that I was yelling and experiencing a wide range of emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, rage - in some cases). I feel safe with my new therapist, but that is largely due to working on lots of other issues with my previous therapist, over the past year.

I had a very rough day today at work, so my therapy session was timely.

I don't really have any expectations for the end result of utilizing EMDR. I just know if the few sessions we have scheduled will bring about some sort of desired result, then I will count it as success. The good news, is that we only do EMDR once a month, because it's very exhausting work.

I feel wiped out, tonight.

Thanks for holding space for me, as I continue the process of achieving some level of healing in my life.

Appreciatively, ~ K.

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic (Post 1252252)

This morning I was going to church, I was happy groper man would not be there. I was getting ready and something said....don't. I don't know if I can go back. UGH. I thought I had found a supportive home. I'm sad. And while I know I had nothing to do with groper's behavior, I feel ashamed and guilty. Well, Groper is back there. I am so glad I did not go today, that I listened to my gut.
Church has always failed me, but I thought maybe this one would be good for me. I may look for another, IDK. Maybe Unitarian.
I am exhausted from being so hyper alert.
Rambling.
Kinda lost. Vaca starts Weds for long weekend. Yay.

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic (Post 1252307)

Just for today, I will breathe calmly and steadily.
Just for today, I will get up and get a glass of water, when I start to feel anxious.
Just for today, I will do everything I can to make tomorrow a calm day too.

Love and :praying::praying::praying:

Jenny

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch (Post 1252315)

I will do this too. I have been out of my anxiety meds over the weekend so I'm kinda losing my shit here. Deep breaths. I have the means to get them this afternoon. Other than that, I will do for myself what I can. Breathing and water are so basic yet we often forget them. <3

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic (Post 1252321)

I hope you get your meds this afternoon. Its so difficult to be out. I know that feeling!

I often forget to breathe too when I am upset or triggered and to drink water...

The other night I was so anxious and a friend suggested I take a bubble bath. I only have a shower, so I showered and scrubbed with salt and lavender. I felt so much better after. I think I am going to make this a part of my routine at least once a week.

May today be peaceful CCB! xoxoxo

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch (Post 1252327)

I finally am home after errands and have my anxiety meds in me. I'm doing a lot better. I am remember to breathe and have some sage incense going.

I had a similar shower experience yesterday. I usually rush through them only when I need to because I find them incredibly triggering. But I recently decided to take back that space and redecorated and got some nice shower products. I took a shower for the first time I can remember in forever because I wanted the nice experience and not because I had to. I put music on and took my time with a nice exfoliating apricot soap and fancy shampoo and conditioner I treated myself to at the salon. I took my time and resisted the urge to just rush through the experience. It felt really good to take care of my body. I am definitely making a point of doing that more. :)

I hope you are having a peaceful day, too, ((((Apoc))))

Originally Posted by Esme nha Maire (Post 1252328)

I know that everyone has problems. I knew that at least some of my friends here have had particularly bad ones. I hadn't realised, until looking to see what someone I know had posted here had said, that so many of you had had such intense personal traumas that affected you so badly. Such personal attacks on the self, I mean, as against the still bad and upsetting but more "diffuse" stuff that some of us have to cope with, like having the wrong mindset to fully comprehend the bureaucracy of the world, which can still be damned upsetting, but isn't aimed at the individual nor is it done by an individual.

I am so sorry to learn this of you, my adorable sisters, known to me or not! May deity grant you the strength to get through your bad times and reach a happier state!

Much love and hugs to you all,

Esme xxx

Originally Posted by Esme nha Maire (Post 1252328)

I know that everyone has problems. I knew that at least some of my friends here have had particularly bad ones. I hadn't realised, until looking to see what someone I know had posted here had said, that so many of you had had such intense personal traumas that affected you so badly. Such personal attacks on the self, I mean, as against the still bad and upsetting but more "diffuse" stuff that some of us have to cope with, like having the wrong mindset to fully comprehend the bureaucracy of the world, which can still be damned upsetting, but isn't aimed at the individual nor is it done by an individual.

I am so sorry to learn this of you, my adorable sisters, known to me or not! May deity grant you the strength to get through your bad times and reach a happier state!

Much love and hugs to you all,

Esme xxx

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic (Post 1252347)

What a great plan for taking back the shower! I think I will add music next time too :)

Maybe that's the key, to sometimes take back some of the things we fear. Maybe we even take them back with cute stuff we love. Hmmmmmm. something to think on.

Glad you got anxiety meds. I get anxious if I am low on them sometimes.

Originally Posted by Kätzchen (Post 1252514)

I dunno. I saw my new therapist tonight; second time I've seen my therapist (she's transgendered). I felt like we were quietly crossing swords, for lack of a better description. I don't like it when I feel like I'm having to 'cross swords' with anyone. I usually shut down. And I did. I feel pretty quiet tonight, but I will go next week, then take a couple of weeks off. I'm not quite sold on the idea of EMDR. One session, plus today's follow-up session of regular therapy is not exactly enough of an idea to know it's gonna help.

But I want to follow through with the commitment I've committed to for the next 12 weeks. I'll see if I can fairly assess if it's making a difference (in a positive direction) and if not, then I will discontinue this type of therapeutic treatment.

<<<<<<<<-- terribly tired tonight, emotionally exhausted. One shouldn't have to defend their self in therapy, is what I'm mulling over. :(

Originally Posted by dark_crystal (Post 1249765)

I had an insight last week about why i always feel so sick with shame and dread the day after family/social/work functions that require extended interpersonal interactions with people who have not made my "safe" list.

I always spend the whole next day ruminating over my behavior and looking for shameful things that i did that might match up with the horrible feeling of having exposed myself.

In the past i have usually been able to identify some comment i made that seems thoughtless in retrospect and then i will connect all of my yucky feelings with that, and just shame myself for whatever i have identified as my own bad behavior.

Earlier this month, though, i spent a day feeling shamed about my behavior at an author event-- but, try as i might, i just could not find anything i had done that justified the shame.

Like, i had not spoken to anyone at all-- i just came in looking beautiful and sat listening respectfully, then waited in line to have my book signed and thanked the author for coming. Then i went home and i did not actually interact with anyone except the author and the lady next to me who asked my favorite of the author's titles. There was nothing at all in my own behavior that i could pin the yucky feelings to.

Last weekend the same thing happened. I had a very intense day at my dad's birthday, with four different traumatizers in the mix, and the next day i felt shame and regret and i still could not identify anything i had done that was at all problematic.

I have figured out that i am not feeling shame and regret, i am feeling exposure and vulnerability, and that these are not connected to my behavior.

Being around unsafe people makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, but i cannot function in the situation with those emotions at the surface, so i seal them up and push them down while the interaction is happening. The next day, when i am safely out of the situation, the feelings come to the surface to be felt and then i assign them a cause from my own behavior because i was raised to blame myself for everything.

Originally Posted by dark_crystal (Post 1253058)

OMG YOU GUYS

i found out yesterday that this is a real thing called a "vulnerability hangover" and Brene Brown covers it in a TED talk

i did not watch the TED Talk lol this is not a weekend for breakthroughs this is a weekend for armoring up

Originally Posted by dark_crystal (Post 1253151)

my Aunt was ranting about illegal electioneering on the part of the school superintendent and i broke in with MY story about my Mayor trying to coerce ME into doing the same thing.

She really enjoyed that dirt (i emphasized the closed door and offer of protection [i've posted about this before, right?])

Originally Posted by dark_crystal (Post 1246579)

I sought therapy this year due to reemergence of dissociative symptoms following multiple incidents of workplace bullying by a board member and one incident of closed-door illegal electoral coercion by the mayor.

Originally Posted by dark_crystal (Post 1253151)

Thanks for asking, you guys. The family thing was fine-- Dad didn't mention the name thing and when i walked up on my aunt doing Tea Party voter outreach to my cousin, i interrupted it :superfunny:

Actually it was kind of fortuitous because my Aunt was ranting about illegal electioneering on the part of the school superintendent and i broke in with MY story about my Mayor trying to coerce ME into doing the same thing.

She really enjoyed that dirt (i emphasized the closed door and offer of protection [i've posted about this before, right?]) and who knows, she might tell her friends, and one of her friends was on that same Mayor's City Council, from the opposing party (and a very scary person just generally but whatevs).

SO maybe i just played two of my traumatizers against each other

:devil:

Originally Posted by Sparkle (Post 1253763)

Have any of you tried Somatic Therapy?

I had a therapist, ever so briefly, that specialized in Somatic technique. But she relocated back to Brooklyn and my life got too busy to find another.

I think there are similarities with EMDR (which i struggled with.)

Intellectually, somatic resonated with me because it’s about regulating and finding balance and a steady natural fluctuation between our sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. That makes so much sense. The part I find harder to explain/describe is the technique they use to address individual traumatic events that have created unhealthy biofeedback loops (PTSD.) I had one truly amazing session that rewrote a day of trauma so simply and effectively - ans I can’t stop thinking about it.

Originally Posted by dark_crystal (Post 1253830)

I found this article on Somatic Therapies, which include EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. I did not vet the source so YMMV.

I get the basic principle but i am wondering how it would work with cPTSD? Like, we can't do The Rape or The Battery or The Bullying. Like, I have so many traumas that i cannot even keep track at this point.

How is the therapist going to know which one is causing the disruption? And if they all are, how will we ever get through all of them when i can't even make a complete list anymore AND new ones keep happening?

My big issue is emotional avoidance-- i see myself do it all the time, like when we are helping my dad into and out of his wheelchair from the car, etc.

It is difficult to watch, so i am busily examining the trees next to the car, or the cracks in the pavement, etc. all while my hands are holding onto his belt, etc.

I am guiding him and encouraging him but i am also dividing my focus so that i can turn my attention away from the sadness i see to the wasp nest on the garage or whatever, like "oh god oh god poor dad why why why why-- hey i wonder if those are yellowjackets or dirt daubers i should google-- oh go oh god why why-- hey that crack in the pavement looks like a slice of pizza-- oh no he had an accident he must be so humiliated-- hey look the azaleas are blooming"

Traumas that happen during that process get kind of cocooned and submerged and overlooked but they are piling up still almost weekly. Any therapy that has to do with reexperiencing memories is not going to find all of the memories, is all i am saying.