I need to find a therapist. I know there is shit I am not dealing with and feel like I can't talk about. But, I have state insurance and I cant find a competent therapist in my area that takes my insurance. I am feeling frustrated and a little like I am drowning. I am not sure what to do. Do I start looking out of my area and travel an hour to therapy a couple times a month? Do I just give up and start looking shit up on my own again and hoping I can find enough motivation to walk my way through the therapies that may help...

Ugh, I know it effects so many parts of my life, and I know I am just shoving shit down, and I know that means that eventually I blow and anyone in radius gets hit with PTSD shrapnel as it flies out of me in every direction... But I am feeling stuck.

This topic is too near and dear as 25 years ago today at work the "pang" fire
happened.Arson fire "A" platoon my platoon,4 seattle firefighters made the ultimate sacrifice.

In the next 2 weeks were 4 days for body recovery which was us and 5 memorials to honor those taken.

It changed all of our lives and careers.Part of the job I chose I never thought about..... cause and effect.

It took me years to accept the term PTSD.

It is real and it is here for many,my life is better due to my realization and acceptance of such.

Trauma humor... it's alive and well within these four walls.

it is OUTRAGEOUSLY hard to find a therapist. I just had a 2nd session with my new one after being on wait lists all over town since October and i have "good" insurance.

My new therapist is literally an hour away from me AND the only appointment i could get lets out right at rush hour BUT she specializes in LGBT and ADHD.

I want to scream every time i see mental health PSAs that say stuff like "help is available if you only ask"

NO IT IS NOT

I am so not ok today. I just had to call 911 and have my child arrested and sent to juvie... she attacked me and threatened to hurt herself and others in my home because I told her I was taking away her tablet for non-compliant and disrespectful behavior. I had 5 officers in my home, she left in handcuffs. My arm is starting to bruise where she slammed it in her door. I was so hopeful that we wouldnt get to this place again... that her time in residential care would have given her the skills and the motivation to be at home and be in a positive and productive place with everyone in our family. Now, I dont know what to do. I dont want to do this all again. And I just cant stop crying.

As long as you are holding space for her productive behavior to the same extent you are enforcing accountability for her dysfunctional behavior you are doing everything there is for you to do.

Hugs to you, i know it is hard

My therapist is testing my IQ today. I'm nervous

i remember the last time it was really easy-- like i did not even realize that was what they were testing, bc i also had a Rorschach and the old MMPI that day

She said last week that most people think it's fun

It doesn't usually change much - I'm surprised they would want to do it again, unless you've had a brain injury or something. Don't sweat it!

i was in the hospital when it was tested in 1987 and neither i nor my family were given the score. It has always bothered me not knowing, bc it was a pretty big deal at the time, which was why they withheld the score.

i was supposed to be allowed to know after discharge, but i discharged before they wanted me to and my parents did not follow up on it (i was a minor)

My therapist wants to know bc the Dr. who did my ADHD testing did the processing speed section of the IQ (WAIS) test and found significant deviation from the norm.

Jenn, You did exactly what you needed to do.. I dont know what is wrong wit your daughter so I cant speak as if I do.. But either way, if she is being violent and threatening to hurt herself and others , she needed to be sent out of the house..... I have worked in Human Services for years and this is what a therapist or clinician would advise you to do... The only thing that you can do is be there for your daughter, show support and love, ALOT of the people I have worked with never had anyone to show they cared or supported them... (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))..I know its hard and heartbreaking to have to do that to your own child.. But you did what was in her best interest and what was in the best interest of the other people in your household... Hang in there Jenn... I know it feels like a losing battle

Thank you Zoey,

My daughter has autism, adhd, and disruptive mood disregulation disorder. This is not her first time attacking people in our home. The last time led to a 16 month stay in residential care. This is the first serious attack since she got home in June. Its having a huge impact. My oldest daughter is refuses to come out of her room unless absolutely necessary, tension between my parents (who live with me and I also take care of) is higher than ever, and haven't been able to function in my house since she left. I come straight into my room and have a panic attack every time I have to leave. I am looking for a new therapist for myself, working with my daughters mental health team to bring extra support in the house... but bringing her home this time was harder than ever. While she was in juvie she was angry and aggressive in every interaction we had, no matter who was present. And today when she spoke with the judge, she was very adamant that she feels she is not successful at home and would rather be placed in a long term facility. I am doing my best. But I am still not ok.

She spent 30 days in detention and was returned to my care today.

Is it not possible for her to go to a long-term facility? If she believes she can succeed there and she wants to go and it is financially possible, maybe that is where she should be. As a former troubled teen inpatient, i think it is good that she wants that?

And even if there is no reason why she should be able to succeed there any better than anywhere else, the fact that she is choosing it kind of builds in some motivation and offers an opportunity to get her to commit to some accountability for her progress while she is there.

Reading “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolkata, MD

Assigned reading, very difficult to accept. My life on so many pages.

Don’t know if others here have heard of it.

There with you. Also reading The Body Remembers by Babette Rothchild and The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog by Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz. All for my Treating Trauma class

Like you, I see myself splayed out in every chapter. Hugs to all of us for our resilience and our determination.

It is on my list but i have been putting it off...

We did not finish the test last week. We will finish today i think. She said it does not have to be done all at once

Unusual for a therapist to give a Wechsler. I assume she's a clinical psychologist. She said most people enjoy it? Does that suggest she gives them often? Trippy for a therapist to be administering these often. I can't imagine the context. Obviously for a complete evaluation, but therapists rarely need or use those. And people who give them often are usually people whose jobs are doing psych evals, not therapy. It's none of my business, and you're smart and well-educated so I assume there's a good reason. I'm kind of like Georgia_Ma'am in thinking they usually get re-done after a brain injury for people applying for disability or something. But there's lots I don't know.

Hi all, so sorry I have not been here to give support! So very sorry and light and healing vibes to all who shared.

Its crazy how PTSD seems to layer in more trauma over the years. Like the oroginal trama/s get wrapped up in more traumas as they happen. Or new traumas cause us to rething and replay old traumas? I am not sure how to explain it.

I won't go into what happened. I wrote a whole thing, but don't want to trigger anyone. I just want us all to be ok. So many people are not.

Just Jenn, I hope things are getting better for you.

Sending love and light to all of you. Its a scary world.

This /\ is what i was talking about here \/

My new therapist is really pushing EMDR
She's going to have to sell it to me

I once had a therapist who wanted to try EMDR. I don't know if I was too disconnected or if she simply didn't have enough experience, or both. I got NOWHERE with it, although I thought it was an interesting exercise. So many people have had wonderful results with EMDR, but I'm not one of them.

For me, EMDR works on one thing at a time. Like if you know what the trauma is specifically that haunts you is, it helps blur the edges.

I totally get that it does not work for some people. I did not think it would work for me. The results for me were not instant, but over the years I can see it has worked.

Brain Spotting has worked to blur the edges on the trama your mind it leads to. Like body trauma we don't have words for.

Therapy gives me a safe place to just talk through layers of traumas and microtraumas and sometimes just the value in having someone actually listen to me, and over time know the me I show them, even though I am paying them to, is very validating.

processing my test results
 

Recap: IQ was being retested at age 49 after i was tested as a minor during inpatient treatment. Those results were widely discussed, and caused my entire treatment plan to be upended, but they were ultimately withheld from me and my parents (supposedly.) My parents could have gotten them after discharge but never followed up (i wish i would have gone to get them myself, once 18, but i never could bring myself to call or visit the hospital, with which i associated very intense emotions for many years) (probably this was the case for my parents, too.)

Update: i'm not tacky enough to actually post my score, but the full-scale is like, on the doorstep of exceptional. Enough for Mensa, but when i looked it up on Quora this was the best comment: "to admit to an IQ of only ____ means you are probably not lying about how smart you are" so that is nice lol

I am neither surprised nor disappointed by the score, however, it was really, really, REALLY important for me to have it.

Having these scores withheld all those years ago ended up creating conditions within which i could be endlessly gaslit by my parents, my partners, my employers, my staff, and especially myself. I did not know the upper and lower range of appropriate expectations and this led to perfectionism and shame when i could not meet these expectations, which were basically unlimited.

Gifted girls are over-represented in anorexia stats BTW

My therapist and i talked about asynchronous development, and how this range makes it likely that growing up I was two years behind my physical age emotionally, while being several years ahead intellectually, and how this contributed to my boundary issues bc adults often overestimated the range of topics i was equipped to discuss/ideas i was equipped to process (to put it nicely.)

This is why i have often felt like i have been in sixth grade forever. i feel like that was the last year i could effortlessly fit in with my peers. After 6th grade i began to struggle, socially, and to experience bullying, anxiety, depression, and depersonalization.

ALSO, there are actually four scores. Three of my scores were closely grouped in the high range but my processing score was firmly average. This confirms the ADHD diagnosis and goes on file as the third assessment and second clinician to do so.

AND i finally brought Level 1 autism, which is a thing i have mostly-silently suspected.

There is a weird feeling i had before where i felt guilty for considering that diagnosis for myself? Like i was too high-functioning/accomplished for that and to even consider it was disrespectful to people with real problems and anyway it would have been spotted long ago.

The one time i brought it up before was to a male psychiatrist. He literally scoffed at the idea, although i kind of suspected his dismissal was influenced by my gender and appearance.

Within that IQ range, however, mild autism becomes more believable as there is plenty of capacity for compensating for some stuff and masking other stuff while still appearing perfectly functional. It puts my achievements in a more accurate perspective.

My therapist says she would not formally diagnose it unless to do so would be therapeutic, but i am deciding it would be therapeutic. All of these formal diagnoses are making it possible to put a ceiling over myself in terms of my perfectionism. I desperately need that ceiling.

These "labels" also equip me to set boundaries for other people. It has been easy to convince me that my needs are weird or unreasonable, and to shame me for my weirdness, but level 1 autism explains every single weird thing about me.

Where it has been hard for me to convince myself i deserve to have my needs met on general principle, i think it becomes much easier to do it when i have an external framework to validate them. Like, i'm weird because of science, nothing i can do, please adjust. I desperately need that ceiling, too.

It can be a crutch in a good way maybe.

Wow, it sounds like you are getting a ton of good information. Its so sad that it was kept from you all these years and actually used against you.

I wish people could deal with each other's weird spaces without gaslighting them into feeling bad about themselves. I can really relate to that.

I am so glad you are getting answers!!! :praying::praying::praying::praying:

Why is it that everyone in my world seems to think I need to make allowances for their trauma and that mine should be my own problem to deal with....

Amen Sister!!!!

News bulletin....we are human too!!!!

I don't know, really, but this question makes me think of my mom, who is looking really bad right now as she appears to center herself throughout my father's devastating illness. I have been trying to convey to her how entitled she is to her needs and how to seek to meet them without comparing herself to her mother and sister, who found themselves in this same situation and behaved like saints.

She's gaslighting herself into a martyrdom she doesn't need to support

hugs to you

i just went and woke up Mr. Jenny to share this piece of wisdom i just thought of for her:

"when you married me it's like you bought a Jaguar-- pretty car! Capable of very high performance! LOTS of breakdowns"

She didn't say much (possibly trying to sleep, who knows) so i said, "or am i a Delorean?" but she said "no, Jaguar is right"

Last week i told my therapist that getting my IQ score was like finding out i was a ferrari driving in traffic surrounded by buses without realizing i wasn't a bus

Either way i would rather be a nice, safe, low-maintenance Lexus

idk what is up with the car metaphors, probably my recently-unmasked autism* coming out

:superfunny:

(that's sexist, actually, girls with autism often don't have the transportation thing, it's more likely to be Disney)

Two follow-ups to this post

1. spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/the-invisible-link-between-autism-and-anorexia/

Some estimates hold that as much as 20 percent of people with enduring eating disorders have autism. Because girls with autism are frequently underdiagnosed, it’s often an eating disorder that first brings them to clinical attention — although men and boys with autism can and do develop eating disorders, most of the research and clinical attention has focused on girls and women. This gender bias has led some to refer to anorexia as ‘the female Asperger’s.’

Recognizing that someone has both autism and an eating disorder is only the first step. Few psychologists have expertise in helping people who have both conditions. Historically, eating disorder treatment mandates group therapy, but people with autism often have difficulties with social interactions. This treatment also requires that the individuals make dramatic changes in their eating routines, often in a short period of time. But some people with autism find it challenging to meet this demand because of their insistence on sameness. As a result, many people who have both autism and anorexia find it difficult to recover from their eating problems, and are less likely to recover than those who have anorexia alone. Louise and others like her are demonstrating that although the overlap between autism and anorexia is more common than anyone realized, there are still few effective treatments for this dual burden.

2. My therapist is really leaning in to the autism diagnosis and focusing almost all of our sessions on it. I am scheduled for formal assessment on September 22 :bigcry: i wish it could be sooner but most clinicians are geared toward kids and this is a university institute with a special program for late-life diagnosis. Also the doctor is female, and the history of autism is sexist as hell

Its crazy the things that trigger PTSD. Like dating for example. Work. TV, the President, a guy dying across the hall.

My doc added abilify to my drugs. Im not sure if its helping or not. I was klind of hallucinating and now I'm not. So thats good. Actually Im not sure of it was psychotic or psychic. Not that it matters I guess.

I take Abilify, and my main anti-depressant is Zoloft. The Abilify does seem to help make the Zoloft more effective for me. I haven't noticed any bad side effects, and I've been taking it for over a year. Good luck.

THank you Ga! I take Cynbalta plus the Abilify. I have definitely gained weight and the Cymbalta makes my blood pressure go up. But it keeps me from being too crazy.

I have pneumonia a couple of months ago for 8 weeks, and the steroids they gave mme put me over the edge. I am still not right. Onve my PTSD is activated, its difficult to get back to whatever "normal" is.

I wish I could be off all meds, I think I would be healthier. But somehting always happened ot trigget my PTSD, then back on the meds I go.

Thank you for the sweet post, from your neighboring state, Tennessee!

Hello from Georgia!

Sorry to hear about the pneumonia. I caught it back in October 2019, and I'm still not completely over the coughing.

I know what you mean about the steroids. I take them every time I have a gout flare-up, and I've had three lately. The people around me better beware! :seeingstars:

I had a huge panic attack a few days ago... I was talking with someone new through messenger (my new partners other partner) and they were being almost... too kind... lots of compliments, insinuations... and to me... it was just a huge red flag... no one is that nice on day one without ulterior motives...

I spent nearly 3 hours in total panic trying to figure out how to ask them to back off. In the end, I asked my partner to do it... and while they have, to some extent... not enough for me.

I really dislike that with everything I have experience, a COMPLIMENT, can make me panic...

Sadly, we wonder about motives...we wounder why someone would help us or want to be kind to us. I undestand! (((Jenn))). I need to do better at red flags like this. If someone is too kind, I should RUN before my heart breaks.

I've been very filled with panic and anxiety lately, for no apparent reason other than Covid 45, the weather and the government and how it affects life.

I want to be able to talk about it, feel it, process it...but most people say I need to just look for the positive....WHAT positive?

Im told that if a storm is coming, I should ignore it. Not watch the news. If I know a storm is coming at me, I am watching the weather, and if the lights go out im listening on my solar powered weather radio. WE have tornadoes, I have been thru several personally.

I've been though too much. If there are riots, weather, predators (not the hockey team), anything to be aware of....I am super aware. I am ON IT. Hyper alert.

I'm told, (not by my therapist) its obsessive. Maybe so. But also, its PTSD. and PTSD lives with me every day. I wish I could talk about it more without scaring anyone.

Gah

Ps. yes I take medicine for it and have a psychiatrist and therapist,b ut thats not always enough.

The world is very hostile to us right now. I am usually driven to high achievement, but I've put a moratorium on ALL. OF. THAT.

I am in survival mode until further notice. I am barely able to function at work and have shamelessly slashed my duties to the bare minimum.

Speaking as a manager, I am advocating to anyone employed that they get themselves on intermittent FMLA and under an ADA reasonable accommodations agreement.

You can do it under PTSD and you don't really even need to ask for any accommodations beyond "positive feedback" or "sensory-friendly environment." Most doctors are comfortable recommending those. Once you have that paperwork your ass is covered for survival mode.

My intermittent FMLA status means I can walk out or call in at any time without a doctor's note, and my reasonable accommodation agreement means i can blame the environment for all of my mistakes.

Bare minimum for the duration.

The process was exhausting and traumatic:

I emailed HR and requested FMLA paperwork "for my serious health condition." They can't refuse this. Then I sent the forms to my psychiatrist and she sent them back to HR.

After HR had a phone convo with my doctor, they emailed me a letter stating intermittent FMLA was granted for a period of 12 months beginning and ending with (dates)

Once i had that letter, I sent them another email stating that i would like to request reasonable workplace accommodations for my serious health condition. HR came and interviewed me about my needs and had another phone convo with my psychiatrist, after which i got another letter.

Even if they don't grant both requests, you are on record as having made them, and will qualify for unemployment if you get fired.

I left work at 11 am last Tuesday and I am on LegalMatch.com looking for a personal injury lawyer. Here is the case summary i posted:

My employee took unauthorized action behind my back, took documented steps to conceal her activities, and used these unauthorized activities and withheld information to publicly humiliate me twice, first in a departmental group text and then later in our shared suite, with my entire staff as witnesses. She did this despite her knowledge of my status as a person currently being treated for PTSD, and exploited her awareness of my autism and ADHD to justify her actions. This is the second incident. The first incident occurred in January 2020 and involved the unauthorized commitment of $50,000.00 in taxpayer funds

I am so messed up over this. I don't know when i will go back to work.

checking in
 

I had my final visit by phone with the therapist I've had for the past 6 months and next week, she hands me off to a newly assigned therapist (from the same clinic).

I do have a massive case of PTSD. I only learned about it after a temp admin in the clinic office's home base location, mistakenly sent case notes to me rather than to my primary doctor. Among other things I read in my case notes, made by all therapists I have seen since two years ago now, is that I have a unique IQ. It's not enough to move me into another category (standard deviation section) but the way they talk about it in my case notes leaves me with the knowledge that I'm not exactly a 'special snowflake' but a snowflake that is resilient and not exactly like other snowflakes. :eyebat:

I'm making fun of myself, in case it's not obvious. :)

In other news: I committed myself to another year of therapy with the same clinic. I feel tremendous support from the set of clinician's I have seen over the past two years. I feel like positive progress is taking place in my life and although my life right now is anything but serene (ie, monster neighbor with toddler syndrome makes it terribly hard on me right now), I know that I am developing critical skills in self advocacy and problem solving techniques and sustaining a level of resilience that marks my life as being an remarkable account of doing more than just surviving, but living life to the best of my ability. Which is pretty remarkable, to me. I feel incredible support from the clinic who provides me with more than competent clinicians.

Oh, and the next clinician I have will not be female. It will be the first time I have had a male clinician. So, not sure how the next 6 months will go, but I'm giving it a chance.

Sending wellness wishes to all,
~K. :blueheels:

i am still at home. I had a meeting with an HR assistant (not the director) on the 28th, and i told her that i will feel able to return once this employee has been disciplined, removed from my direct reports, and relocated to a different suite.

The assistant went to discuss it with the Director and said she would get back with me. I am still waiting.

My boss has appointed the bully as interim Department Head in my absence