There really is a lot on my mind lately however, it all boils down to wanting to be worth it. Worth pursuing her. Giving her all she deserves. Yes I am a perfectionist and this has kept me quiet on how I feel well this and a touch of shyness that no one else seems to see in me. It is okay though. When the time is right for me I will tell her and it will either be just the right time or to late and I will have no one to blame but me. Yet because of who I am at my core I want to be worth it I want to be all she deserves. At least in my eyes and it is my eyes that count in this matter.

I can't sleep tonight.

Someone told me to call if I couldn't sleep... but it wouldn't be right.

There's a lot in my head these days... but a couple things weigh heavier then most. My daughter is moving out of my home... She is ten years old (well, almost, only a few more days) and shes moving to live with her father an hour away from me. Its so hard to let her go, but its the right thing to do. Her brother, my eight year old son, has some special needs. He doesn't always understand what hes doing, or have the ability to stop himself from doing things... and now, hes becoming more aggressive. He's playing when it happens... having fun, or trying to get her attention, but he can hurt her... He never means to, and I don't blame him... but it's not fair of me to keep her here either. Not when her father can take her, and she wont have to worry about that happening.

I don't know how any mother can make a choice to send their child away without tears... Its taken a while for mine to come but they are certainly flowing tonight. I know I will get to see her often and I know she will be safe and happy, but I will miss my little girl. I wish she didn't have to go.

My doctors appointment today. I have had to wait a month for it and it is suppose to be a step towards finding out why I am in so much pain yet I really do not want to go. Mainly because I know I will have to deal with transphobia and a bunch of idiots. I will go because I need an answer to why my body hurts so damn much. Four hours and counting.

The move and what it means
wow I guess this karma thing is real
had my doubts but karma has it's own timeline
the timing is .... well let's say perfect is a huge understatement

Paradise ...............
what can I say that would hold some weight? Thank You.......
dont think so say it 100 times help me here.....
paradise for the rest of my days

World
yes This Stone Butch is humble so very humble

just putting it out to the world and Higherpower:praying::blush:

Moving and what I need to do to get ready for it.

Also, the two books I am working on. Starting research for one non-fiction one that I will start once November is over, and putting together some character outlines for another fiction one I will write during NaNoWriMo in November.

and... Online survey sites and which one to use for some of my research.

and... that I have only told a handful of people that I am moving because I do not want to be talked out of it again. I will be in Kelowna by the end of the month, I am so relieved, I need a new start.

and... my kids and grand kids.

and... how to repay the great friends I have been staying with for the past couple of months.

and... friends far away.

and... well my brain as usual is going all over the place, maybe I need to go get ready to go to yoga and find some peace for this frenetic brain of mine.

frustrations
 

I do not understand why people at work get so grumpy acting over asking them to reset a user's database password. It takes all of a minute. Users will always lock themselves out by mis-typing in their user id or password more than the max allowance of tries here. I am tired out today of trying to explain how our main app logs on to Oracle. Why does this woman have to tell me my guy at the main building has his password embedded elsewhere in the app when she knows nothing about the software? When speaking with her, acting ingratiating (spelling??) has become old. It is her job to service my users. In three years, this is the only time I have asked this of her.

Ok, better now.

definition of
 

difficult (comparative more difficult, superlative most difficult)

hard, not easy, requiring much effort
hard to manage, uncooperative, troublesome
from wiktionary

I'd bring you a cup of coffee..

You are the sweetest gentleman.:kissy:

the work week. the awesome team I work with, so accepting and supportive. funny how I worked one day and not even with all of them and they already feel like a family that have each other's back and best interest at heart.

I'm feeling incredibly emotional today. Hoping it doesn't last too long and my fears are unfounded. Some reassurance from a few particular someones would help. A lot.

I think I have the hot spots on my newf under control. I HATE this time of year!

Thinking hmmm far from the truth... and I am oh so grateful.

Have I failed to mention how much dictionaries are just so damn attractive to me? Don't dare let it rest on the shelf for too long... :reader:

I happen to agree! I keep one on my night stand table to have with me when I read... I inevitably come across a word that I want to understand in greater detail.

Date is set
here we go
Smiles

On my mind? Where I should look for another job. Not in a hurry, but looking around for somewhere to move. I dig Jersey, but I want to see what's doing out there. Any suggestions?

:)

Lot of things on my mind and heart tonight. Not usually one for putting much of my business on the internet but here goes. I went to see my most recent ex today apparently the only lie she didn't tell me is she does have cancer. She lied to me about other things figured this was a lie too. Guess I will be there for her as much as she will let me. She has a teacup chihuahua( think that's how it's spelt) that loves me and I'm very fond of too. L considers me her daddy and apparently so does the dog all you have to do is ask her where's her daddy and she will come right to me.So when the time comes I will take our fur daughter lol my cats may not like it much but oh well she is part of my life too. Sorry about the babbling on but my heart is really hurting tonight.

Joined 750words.com, as I have seen it talked about. I will make an effort to use it more often, if for no other reason than to empty my mind. :bunchflowers:

I want a nap! Essay done and submitted, critiqued two essays. Everything will be a breeze after this. Right? Right! Now I need to type up the wife's resume :praying:

A pretty scary and intense work assignment.

My ferret Smokey. He went blind in his left eye a while ago, but last week I noticed he went blind in his other eye too. He also has a tumor on his tail that has been bleeding frequently. He went to the vet last Friday, where she confirmed he was completely blind and needed surgery to remove the tumor. He is kind of adjusting to his blindness, we just have to be careful he doesn't fall off the bed. We also have to remember to call his name before picking him up, or he gets scared. I will bring him in for his surgery tomorrow and hopefully we won't have anymore issues for awhile. Now, I have a deaf dog, a blind ferret, and a bitchy chihuahua. Quite the combination.

I love my little guy, it's hard seeing him age and have these issues. :(

Soooo much going on right now! Nothing bad, just a lot to juggle!
School - finals week! :: scream!::
Vegas trip - might postpone, which kills me to wait but later is better, timing wise
Writer's retreat - was planned for December, might have to change to different date
Travel plans for next year
Keep my car or start planning for a new one?
Changes at work, including an office move! Ughhh
Dr appt next week - I'd be happy with physical therapy, I don't want surgery!

I agree, family is made from love not blood!!

on my mind
 

afraid that i'm losing it, afraid that history is going to repeat itself, afraid that i'm opening doors that should have remained closed, tired of hurting the person i love most in the whole world, really hating that i allow myself to have that thought because if i were really so unhappy about it i'd just stop doing it!

on my mind is the fear that i suck and that my suckage will make the lives of others suck as well

trying to catch some zzzzs but my new position has been consuming my mind. I'm so friggin excited! LOL :canadian:

Oy!!!
 

I'm about to dump a big ol' rant down here so bare with me...

So, my daughter has been with concerns about a health issue with her youngest (my newest grandbaby). Seems she felt it important enough to research and then bring it up to the pediatrician. It was confirmed today that the baby has what's called Pectus Excavatum, otherwise known as, funnel chest. It's where the breastbone grows inward instead of outward and can (in some cases) cause heart and/or lung issues later in life. Right now the baby has a mild case of it and may only have this level but it can increase in seriousness as she begins to go through puberty and adolescent growths. I did a little research into it through the Mayo Clinic's site today while at work and, yes, I do have concerns... of course I would, but where I am really concerned is with my daughter. She tends to get so into the negative of things that it brings her into depressions. Yes we will keep a check on the baby and keep up with the doctors if we notice things changing and they haven't made efforts to do anything but right now... it's my daughter that is my main focus. Ugh! :sigh:

Then I come home to a note wedged in my mailbox. First thought... the landloard! Nope it was from a complaining neighbor with poor timing and a pathetic attempt at sarcasm. It went something to the affect of:

"Dear 202,

I am asking that you control your need to stomp on the floors. I am a hardworking tenant and I am unable to sleep when this is happening. And, your role-playing is also too loud! Might want to try to control that!

Thanks,
102"

My reply was something to the affect of:

"Although I appreciate your efforts to maintain a quiet atmosphere, you may want to research who you are complaining to first of all. See, my apt "202" is NOT above your 102. In fact my apt is NOT above or below any other apt. I have a two-story apt and it's located over the stairwell and foyer. Furthermore, I am rarely on my first floor and I too am a hardworking tenant so I would appreciate that you get this matter tended to OR we can all take this up with our landlord. Oh and btw we really need to find out who it is that cranks up the crappy music!

Thanks,
202"

Not a good day to be messing with me when my thoughts are with my babies and grandbabies!!
:mohawk:

Chocolate.


That Is All,
Brute.

Speaking of chocolate.....did you take the chocolate that my mom bought?? I can't find it. I'm also a little worried it's gonna melt all over your truck.


Sorry, derail!