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I don't see any of us being 'better' than the other or having a 'better' way of processing stuff. Just different. I like the idea of feeling as you do for those who've passed through your life and love. Our past experiences teach us a lot and help mold us. Some things make others turn away from what occurred and some things creates a draw to the same type of action or behavior. You don't do anger. The majority of my life has been nothing but anger. Anger and loss and frustration and regret. A being can't exist in this world, in that atmosphere, without it coloring them. I'd like to say that I'm all bright yellow for sunshine and glitter, but it's just not so. I'm more indigo or gray. You also mentioned not having been hurt to your core. That's another difference between us. I've experienced betrayal on levels I would only wish on my most hated (wry grin) enemies. Sometimes I invited those into my life who did this and sometimes I didn't. I see you as a very open person, who does her best to see the gold in everyone. I am a bit different. In relation to people that are acquaintances or are only on the peripherals of my life, I don't judge or criticize them very harshly. It's those that are deeply twisted in the fibers of my life that I have the most difficult time with. It's something I have worked and worked on but I think, on some cellular level deep within my being, there is an expectation of hurt. Everything is exaggerated. My Judgey McJudgerson self comes out. I expect more from them. I give more to them. Everything....love, lust, hate, laughter, happiness, sadness....is magnified a thousandfold. You've said that once they are in, since you let them in, you can't or won't push them out. Once I let someone in, the stakes increase dramatically. That's why I hold so many people at arm's length. In the best of cases, the hurt is outweighed by the joy. In most cases, it's just not so. It's probably going to be a lifelong battle I wage within myself, to see the brighter side of things and to try to let go of the rest. |
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:rose: Pashi |
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I am beginning to believe deep love + deep pain, can = hate. And I guess what constitutes "deep pain" is subjective. For me yelling is annoying but not a deal breaker, lol I can be very passionate with words myself. For me it is being disrespected, or worse yet humiliated, that works my last nerve! But then again I'm a bit of a Princess. :| OK a full blooded Princess. And, Ms Julie I really appreciate how you can share differing opinions with such grace!!!! :rose: Pashi |
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One of the things that determines if negative emotions will spring forth is what happens during the course of the relationship. But, like in your case, how you deal with one another afterwards can also swing the emotional pendulum too. Even when things are tough and complicated, if both parties exhibit care and respect towards the other, I think all things are possible. |
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You are such an articulate SCORPIO. It happens to be something I appreciate about you, though. I think there is a big difference between "love" and dating. Love is about relationship, depth of relationship. Dating is a social activity. There are some people I have dated that said they love me, but it is BS, lip service (and not the yummy kind). My point is about a love relationship, and how lovely it is, for Femmes to be treat each others hearts with care and respect, rather than having the I'm getting mine attitude, that is rampant. Respect for sisterhood, not leashes. Another Pollyanna here. I would, and have warned femmes about hurtful Butches. Are they grown, and smart? Yes. When I learn someone is just a cold disrespectful person, or worse, I can pretty much bet it will be repeated. A rose, is a rose. In reality, after they do it to enough femmes, everyone will know. Watching, I still hurt, for them........ I love what you said " It makes me continue to feed them some piece of me that they have no right to." GOOD POINT!!! :rose: Pashianna |
I have hated abusive exes of my partners, and abusive parents; I have hated abusers of others I care about. But for me, even the abusive partners I've had, even my own abusive family members? No. Once I love, I cannot hate. Once I love, I cannot stop loving.
Deep shattering pain that keeps me broken for months is the result of that inability to stop loving. The pain comes because I can't stop loving even when I want to; because I gave my all and was treated badly; because I still belong heart and soul to someone who has rejected me.... for whatever reason it comes, it rules my life until I recover, and during that time, I cannot deal with the person who caused it. Full recovery can take years if I judge it by the time it takes until I can speak to an ex again, although it might only be a matter of months before I'm recovered enough to love someone else. One of the things I most treasure about Gryph is that far from being threatened by the love I still hold for my exes, he understands and makes safe space for my whole heart, including all the broken parts of it (with the ones they still love). He understands that none of them can mean as much to me as he does. He also understands that I cannot handle being around them or speaking to them, and he does his best to protect me. Some people might think that I hold a grudge, but it isn't that I hate them or wish them any kind of harm (which, yanno, is kinda required for it to be a grudge); it's that I'm raw inside, like deep burn scars that take years to heal, and any contact abrades the scars again and again. When Femme friends have come to me and asked about my exes, I have done my best to be honest. If the ex was abusive in any way, I have said so. If not, I have done my best to be objective and kind. In any case, I've made it plain that I am biased by the heartbreak. Luckily, no one who is a close friend has gotten into a romance with any of my exes where I would have been forced to face it on a daily basis. It would be just awful having to walk away from a close friend, but yanno... those continually abraded scars would demand it. It's interesting that this pattern took hold in my life after I discovered Daddy/girl relationships, and allowed myself to be open and free as a girl instead of stifling that part of myself. It freed me to love more and more deeply with each relationship.......... and that means I hurt more and more deeply with the breaking of each relationship. Vulnerability, this ability to bond so tightly, to give everything I am, carries a huge price in my life. I suppose that people probably find the same ability in most kink-type relationships? I don't know; I only know that it developed in my life along with my girl-self, and that finding a partner who understands and accepts it has been crucial for me. The path to finding that partner, well, the stops along it were the partners who either didn't understand or refused to accept.... can't hate them, but I still have to protect myself and those badly abraded scars, even if it would mean walking away from a Femme friend who entered a relationship with one of my exes. |
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p.s., my post is about this pattern in my life, not specifically about where I am right now. If someone wants to date one of my exes now, go ahead, lol...
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38 Days!!
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Dear Femme's, I can't wait to experience this feeling of bonding with ya'll Excited and Nervous, |
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