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Four more from Bulwer-Lytton:
After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale, Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer. Fed up with Parisian hipsters using fancy foreign words to describe French food, Pierre decided un oeuf was un oeuf. After almost twenty years of baldness, Harry finally decided to splurge on an expensive, human-hair wig – after all, four hundred dollars to look twenty years younger was a small price toupée. Winky the flounder, lying flat on the ocean floor, looked about in horror as he took in the shreds of fish flesh that rained down on him from the massacre visited upon his family by the barracuda gang, and realized: "I'm the sole survivor." Gotta love good corn ! |
Four more from Bulwer-Lytton:
After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale, Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer. Fed up with Parisian hipsters using fancy foreign words to describe French food, Pierre decided un oeuf was un oeuf. After almost twenty years of baldness, Harry finally decided to splurge on an expensive, human-hair wig – after all, four hundred dollars to look twenty years younger was a small price toupée. Winky the flounder, lying flat on the ocean floor, looked about in horror as he took in the shreds of fish flesh that rained down on him from the massacre visited upon his family by the barracuda gang, and realized: "I'm the sole survivor." Gotta love good corn ! __________________ __________________________________________________ ________________________ |
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What do you call a pile of cats?
A meow-tain Where does the electric cord go to shop? The outlet mall, of course. Why didn't the shrimp share his treasure? He was a little shellfish. What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap-music! |
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
You 'neek' up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way. |
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. |
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Corny Jokes
How do you catch an elephant?
Dig a huge hole and fill it with ashes. Dump in a can of peas. When he comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole. How do you catch a rabbit? Stand behind a tree and make a noise like a carrot. Well they are suppose to be corny eh. |
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oh my stone ~ you know some weird yokes ~ they were eggsellent tee hee ~ |
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Q: Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop? A: It's too high a price 'toupee.' Q. Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population? A. Ireland. Every day it's Dublin. |
corny jokes
What's the worst weather for rats and mice?
When its raining cats and dogs. What is the other than obvious difference between a flea and an elephant? An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants. In which direction will a tree fall if chipped on both the south and north side? Down. |
unfortunately not so corny joke
Hitler, Himmler, Goering and Hess are driving from separate directions into a crossroads. Huge crash. Whose fault is it? The Jews, of course. |
Christmas Ornaments Anonymous (meetings)
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But I saw this tonight and thought it was super cute too. :cheesy: http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/u...s-pictures.jpg |
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What do you call a Ghost Telephone?
A Dead Ringer. |
Corny Jokes
A little boy was practicing his violin and his dog began to howl and his dad was trying to read the newspaper. After a half hour of practice and howling dad couldn't take it anymore. Son, he says, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?
It's very sad when you think about it...20 yrs. from now all of todays beautiful young women will be five years older. BFF to her friend, "I thought you were on a diet?" Friend, "I am, I'm just eating this fudge to test myself, and so far I failed." |
Two brothers and their donkeys
Two brothers argue on which of the two donkeys is theirs, so the first man says, ” I’ll cut an ear off of my donkey and the donkey with only one ear will be mine you take the other one”. So they come to an agreement. At night the donkey with one ear looks at the other donkey with two ears in jealousy, and he ends up biting the donkeys ear off. The next morning the brothers start arguing again, one of the brothers says,” alright I’ll cut off a donkeys second ear and the donkey with no ears is mine and you take the other one.” So they come to an agreement. That night the donkey gets jealous again and bites the other donkeys last ear off. Morning comes the brothers are mad and arguing. One of the brothers says,” this is what we’ll do, I am cutting off my donkeys tail and the other one with a tail will be yours.” So they come to an agreement. That night the same thing happens the donkey with no tail gets jealous and bites the other donkeys tail off. The morning comes both brothers are mad. One brother finally yells,” alright fine how about you take the black donkey and I take the brown one” |
Took me a minute and I hate to admit that but then it was like...um DUH!
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Why is it so hard to have a good conversation with a goat? Because they are always butting in.
What do you call a baby goat who is sleeping? A kid-napper. What do you call a baby goat who is good at martial arts? The Karate Kid. Patient: Doctor, doctor - I keep thinking that I'm a goat. Doctor: How long have you felt like this? Patient: Ever since I was a kid. |
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Q. What do you get when you throw ungrateful kids in to a meat grinder? A. Bratwurst |
Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"....:giggle: |
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My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him... He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly. |
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Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed? Everyone else is forbiden... |
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The two bears had to break up... they were polar opposites! How do you know when a bear is moving house? They put up a 'fur sale' sign up. What do bears pack in their suitcases? Only the bear necessities. |
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Corny Jokes
Sue: I thought you were on a diet?
Mary: I am, I am just eating this fudge to test myself and so far I have failed. John, why did you run out of the operating room ? Well Harry the nurse said "be brave" So Why would that frighten you, thats nice. No its not, she was speaking to the Dr. |
Corny Jokes
Waiter "why don't you try some of our delicious smothered chicken sir"
Patron "Don't bother telling me how you killed it, just bring it". A simple guy walks into an office and asks for a job. The manager says "in order to get this job, finish this sentence. Old McDonald had a ----> Oh says the guy "thats easy, Old McDonald had a farm". Manager says "ok now spell farm". Easy says the simple guy "EIEIO |
Q: Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? A: Because the present's beneath them.
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I met some chess players in the hotel lobby.
They were bragging about how good they are. It was Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. |
True story:
My sister texted and asked, "What beverages do you want me to bring you from the liquor store?" I said, "Uhm . . . I don't need any "beverages". Why? She said, "I thought you said you needed some Christmas spirit!" LOL |
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Did you hear about the kid who was scared of Santa? He was Claus-trophobic. |
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What did the judge say to the angry advent calendar? Your days are numbered! |
Q: Where do you learn to make Banana Splits?
A: At Sundae School. |
What do you call an Irish spider?
Answer: Paddy long legs! ————————— Knock, knock! Who’s there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day! :bow: |
:clover:
Knock, knock! Who's there? Pat. Pat who? Pat on your shoes and let's get to the St. Patrick's Day party...:giggle: |
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How can you tell if a leprechaun likes your joke? He’s Dublin over with laughter! :rofl: What’s Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O’Furniture. |
:tea:.....
What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality. |
Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck. |
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