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Hummmmmss... 10:30pm.. craving some french pressed goodness.. yes.. or no?
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i'm getting the feeling you have an addiction my friend ;) |
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ps. Was that a vote for yes or no? grins. |
Once again I am in the dark. I am thinking that is a good thing in this case.
Andrea |
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*wanders off to put the tea kettle on* |
Fail....
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Jim Carrey's a grandfather. :|
No. Really. From his mouth on Letterman. |
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Has lost the battle with the jetlag :|
...... & is in a state of missing! |
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I couldn't sleep tonight...And found myself at walmart... I hugged the cashier...for like 20 seconds. The woman looked at me like :| as I walked away like nothing happened. I think..when my regular gas station opens at 6...Imma hug the clerk... :blink: |
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Now I'm waiting for the respiratory therapist to come back to the house for another mask. Used a different one last night got a couple of hours sleep feel a little bit better but not all the way there yet..
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The clerk had a :| moment... Smeh..people just don't seem to appreciate a good hug from random strangers. |
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:jester: |
I love it when I've baked a cake and my hands smell like cocoa......reminds me of my Mom......<soft smile>
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the little boy kitten(Grayson) is getting his ass whooped by the new white kittie(MsGracie) and seems to be liking it hmmmm
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I'm happy..
I'm peaceful and content and non conflicted and sane... I've been sane for four whole days in a row.. With sanity comes clarity.. With clarity comes truth... The truth is... I need professional help... I've been living in survival mode since the conception of my son. Probably before then, but I know since then... Keep going, push it down, take one more step, get knocked down, get back up and keep going... Don't treat the wound, just make sure the blood doesn't stain anything... The things that happen to you happen to everyone, don't be a whiner, these things happen to everyone, you are not special... keep going..... What happens when the thing that keeps you going... the reason that you get up every day and make it through the day is gone... What happens when you are in a safe place, what happens when you don't have to be in survival mode anymore... What happens when that will.. that ability... that cord of steel turns into damp toilet paper? What happens when you stop beliving all the lies you have told yourself over the years? truth is.... I never planned on being here after my son was grown and out in the world... I float through the world not really making that much of an impact, not letting people in, not having friends or plans because I wasn't going to be here.. If you don't let people in, then you are just a casual comment when you are not there... no one grieves for you... Somehow that didn't work... I have people who love me in spite of myself... I have people who would grieve me... I find that I don't want to die, but I don't know how to live... I've been living with the knowledge that I wasn't going to be here so long, that I simply don't know how to live the way I want too...I don't know how to fix what is crippled.... I don't know how to let myself say.. What happened to you WAS horrible... It WAS important... That by saying that it wasn't doesn't change the fact... I am the child of an alcoholic.. I am an addict I am a rape survivor I am a mental abuse survivor I have chemical depression I may be manic/depressive I may be bi-polar.... It's funny how these things happen... I have been working on me.. trying to find out why I do things, who I am, what I need.. Self awareness is a bitch... I'm in the best relationship that I have ever had... I'm with the most wonderful person that I have ever met.. Everything in my life is moving forward,(except this inability of mine to NOT quit perfectly good jobs) I'm enrolled in school, I know what I want to be when I grow up...the future is so bright and full of possiblities... and I come undone.... I know it's because I'm safe.. I know it's because I'm loved beyond words and accepted(If you knew the hell I put her through in the last year without her walking.. you would feel it as well..)... I know it's because I don't have to be in survival mode anymore.. But it sucks... To have to change this image of yourself.. to accept that yes you do need meds and a therapist and no.. you can't fix this by yourself..that you can not control this simply because you will it so.. That your will is gone.. it sucks big green donkey dicks... but I'm still at peace... I'm still content... and I'm still so very happy.. lol.. Happy to know that yes... I am crazy... but that one day, I might not be... |
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