hey y'all :)

i've read this thread from the beginning, and i have so much to say, i can't stand it! As i was reading i finally started jotting down notes for myself because otherwise i'd have forgotten 90% of what i wanted to say (with the notes, i'll only forget about 30% :cheesy: )

i was told i had PTSD about a year ago. The dr who told me this said so in passing, and nothing else was said about it, so of course i went to my trusted online ally - google. For months, i argued with google results, there was *no* way i could have PTSD! But....i eventually stopped fighting and started just reading and learning and.... ok...i am at a point where i can admit that i may indeed have it. Maybe. ;)

OK...time for the disclaimer, people! What i'm posting are only my opinions, thoughts and ideas. i am just venting, i guess....i've never talked to anyone else who has gone through similar stuff, so i'm all newbie-green with enthusiasm! Please bear with me, this is gonna be a book!

i can so relate to many of you and what you've had to say. i also have lots of the issues on that original checklist posted. Who knows if they come from the PTSD? Maybe some do & some don't, maybe the underlying reasons overlap? For me, one of the ones that stood out most was the blunted affect thing. i've often been told i don't get excited, nothing makes me happy, etc. my therapist told me that when i first started talking about the issues (that i think started the whole PTSD thing) i was very distant and non-emotional about it...very cold in my retelling.

When i was in my mid-twenties (i'm 43 now), i entered therapy for the first time. i knew i was really screwed up and i had a toddler that i desperately did NOT want to screw up, so i decided to get help and learn how not to pass on the generational screwed-upness that has been in my family for gawd only knows how long. (i ended up screwing him up anyway, but that's beside this point)

Through therapy, i learned lots about myself and why i am the way i am. It was the most exhausting, intensely painful thing i've even done and i wouldn't change a thing about the process even if i could (except to maybe have done it earlier). There were sessions that i would leave from feeling as if i'd done 12 hours of manual labor, i was so completely worn out.

Anyway, after ending that therapy, i figured my world was set. i'm sitting here shaking my head at how ignorant i was about myself and life back then. i had no idea that i would still be fighting some of the same battles today.

One of the things i've learned is that for me, this crap is an on-going thing that i will have to deal with for the rest of my life. i can forgive, i can work through things and move on from them, i can confront and put aside stuff. But i will still have to continue facing myself and my issues.

Unfortunately, it is not a case of, "ok, i've dealt with it. i've done all the steps, faced everything and accepted or let go of what i needed to. i feel ok with it, so now it's done. Never have to deal with that again. Yay!" Nope....i may have dealt with a situation or a crisis, but tomorrow is a new day with new stuff.

i lost respect for my mama when i was 13. i discovered that she would not protect me from evil like i assumed she would. In my mid-thirties, i accepted that she was mentally ill. A few years later, i decided i could no longer handle her being a part of my life. It has taken me from that time til about a year ago to make it stick.

The thing that i was hung up on was that this was my mama. She was supposed to love me, protect me, be there for me. And as her child, i was supposed to do the same for her. No matter what. Society says we have an obligation to our parents. That we should respect them, honor them and never turn our backs on them. i have decided, for me, that society is wrong (not only on this matter, but again...beside the point).

What society doesn't account for is when these people...these mere human beings, have their own issues & demons. How can one be a healthy parent if one is not a healthy person? i resented my mama for years for hurting me emotionally. How could she?? Why did she?? What the heck was she thinking???? The answer is....she is/was mentally ill. She was trying desperately and failing wonderfully at trying to deny & ignore her own demons while raising 2 kids, doing what society said she had to do. She was/is miserable, deep down in her soul.

my mama has always been a negative emotional influence on me. i have tried talking to her, going to therapy with her. She has acknowledged her issues. But, she cannot and/or will not do anything about them. So....i had to decide: do i continue to allow myself to be a part of her hell? If so, i had to accept that that would mean i would be making myself miserable and depressed too. If not, then i had to accept that society would shun me.

Which could i more easily live with? Inner hell and torment, or inner peace and safety? Honestly, the decision was not easy. i fought with myself for a long time, waffling back & forth, trying to compromise, setting boundaries with her. But finally i had to face the fact that my emotional and physical well-being suffered immeasurably while she was a part of my life. And so, i did it. The easy way...i wrote her a letter. i justified the letter by telling myself i had had many face-to-face talks with her about this very thing. And that by writing a letter, i could take time to organize my thoughts and feelings, and be sure i didn't forget something. And it would give her something tangible to hold on to, so that she could go back & read it over & over as she asked herself why and processed what was happening. And, well....i really just didn't want yet another, "rhonda, stop being so silly." conversation with her.

It was a great decision, i must say. my quality of life has improved, because now i don't worry about middle of the night phone calls or running to the hospital or her house every time she or a family member called with the latest emergency. i don't have to hear her criticism, her hate, her sob stories.

One of the many questions i kept asking myself during this process was if i could be consistent with my decision? Whatever i decided, i had to be sure i could stick to it....no matter what. i didn't want it to be another situation of, "one more time, mama, and that's it! i can't handle this anymore!" only to be right back in the same place the next time. So, yes, this is a life-long decision. i will not go back. People have asked what if...what if she really does change? what if she gets sick? what if she's at death's door? my answer is: first, i can only say what i hope i'll do, because i haven't been faced with that situation yet. But what i hope i'll do is stick to my decision. Nothing that possibly might happen is worth my emotional health. Nothing. Not even death.

i stopped hating and blaming my mama a long time ago. It did nothing to help me....in fact, it was eating away at my soul. What happened, happened, and it was made far worse because of her decisions. But i finally figured out that it was me who was gonna have to try and fix me, not mama. She can't do a dang thing about it now. So, i chose to accept that it happened and she was a huge part of it, but that was then and this is now. As long as i was holding onto my hate and anger for her and the hurt because of her, i would always be living in it. i would always be having flashbacks and moments full of fear and intense depression because of it.

Today, i practice One Day at a Time. i say practice because it is soooooo something i have to work on. When i can do it successfully, it helps in so many ways, but mostly it helps me maintain some semblance of inner peace.

Inner peace.....utopia. It's what we all want.. it's what we all need. And it's so hard to find, to reach, to hold on to. That is what i want for me and for everyone else...inner peace. One day at a time.

rhonda

Dear JBM,

May Great Spirit wrap you in warm healing energy to strengthen your soul and calm your heart. Remember that breathe is life. When you ar in your terror, remind yourself to breathe. Close your eyes and follow your breathe in then follow it as you exhale. With each breathe let it grow and begin to slow down. My prayers are with you.

good luck and peace to you on your journey.
j

Hi Everyone,

I too have some PTSD issues. I was raised in an extremely abusive environment. The abuser was my mother. She was terribly abusive emotionally, mentally and physically. I left home at 15 and went on my own which was traumatic for me on it's own accord but still felt safer than being at home.

Still I tried for 35 years to "forgive & forget." The forgiveness came, but I'll never forget...and the forgiveness left very quickly because she is still an abuser to this day, mostly emotionally and verbally now. So about 3 months ago, one of my brothers died suddenly and quite unexpectedly and my dear mother once again made everything about her even to the point of verbally bashing my brother to me. That was the final straw for me, and I basically have removed her from my life...period. I changed my phone number, blocked her emails and I am just done with her and her sickness.

I have a counselor that I see a couple of times a month and this ensures that I keep on my path and remember to take good care of me which helps tremendously.

Over the years I have done a lot of inner work and the symptoms of PTSD, though still there, do not run my life anymore. Like someone here mentioned, I still have a hard time in a large crowd like at a concert or something like that, so I simply do not put myself into that situation and stick to smaller groups of people where I can feel safe.

You all have much courage and are encouraging others to take care of themselves, which will enable you as well. Cheers to you all!

Jesse

I had a major body flashback that lasted about an hour. Very frightening bacause I felt debilitated and helpless to control it. I've had these twice before. I took a med and just laid quietly until it passed. This happened before more intensely while I was at work one day. This kind of thing is what ruined my life.
I went into the flashback if that makes sense instead of running from it on the inside. Something tells me it won't happen again.

Hi ravfem,
I have snipped some of your post than I personally relate to.
<snip>
My mama has always been a negative emotional influence on me. i have tried talking to her, going to therapy with her. She has acknowledged her issues. But, she cannot and/or will not do anything about them. So....i had to decide: do i continue to allow myself to be a part of her hell? If so, i had to accept that that would mean i would be making myself miserable and depressed too. If not, then i had to accept that society would shun me. <snip>

My Dad was my obvious abuser. He was diagnosed with 'paranoid schizophrenia'. Unfortunately, he never sought help. I came to believe that he used his mental illness and his alcoholism as an excuse to continue to abuse his children and my mom. My Mom on the other hand used her religious beliefs to remain with him. I hated both parents for many years for obviously different reasons-Dad for the physical and emotional abuse and Mom for defending him because he was ill, while we lived in hell. Finally, the Law intervened and they divorced. I totally separated myself from him with my hatred. My Mom did seek help and got somewhat better. I moved out of the house at 18. I had guilt that I left my siblings to fend for themselves. My Dad died in '92 but he was dead to me 20yrs prior. I didn't forgive him for years after his death. I do now have a strong relationship with Mom but that happened very slowly. She is now 82.

What I came to accept...I am only responsible for me. I am at peace with myself and can be there for my family in their crisis without becoming part of it.

Am I 100% nah but I hang in the 90% most of the time. Still I have some unexpected bouts with my past, but I rebound quicker now.

My advice: Love yourself completely...YOU are WORTH IT!

Thank you for sharing here and working on yourself to gain and maintain your peace.

Wrapping your in peace and sending you love.

I am indeed happy for you my friend. Sending you love.

hi FF :)

i love when we figure out that we're only responsible for ourselves, i do think it goes a long way towards finding that inner peace.

It's always been hard for me to separate myself emotionally from loved ones issues. my therapist taught me about "not making their problems yours" which i found to be greatly helpful, but it's something i still struggle with. i think it's because of that part of me that wants to "fix" everything for people i care about. i hate seeing someone hurt or angry about something, it always makes me so uncomfortable and so i immediately start trying to figure out ways to fix it for them.

i've found that when, instead of doing that, i am able to just listen and be supportive, i am much better off emotionally.

:nixon:

I often wonder if I have pts...Many things have happend in my life that I had to either take it on the chin or let it eat me alive,usely I stood and met it head on.U would think in meeting a prob head on wount be a prob but in some ways its a diffrent emotional hit than running from it or steping away.I dont have this fight or flight thing hit me so much any more but when I do its usely in the form of needing to get up and do something really physicaly hard to burn the feening away or I have restless days and nights of little to no sleep then some awfull night mares that I would rather not have.I have woken up gasping for air and feeling like I have had something trying to chase,smother and or shut me away in a dark place where there is light around every where but where I am...crazy cause all the ppl/situations who cause these things are no longer hear in any way.Funny thing is when this happends the bed is as neat as can be except for the spot where I sleep.I know dreams are a figmant of mind flashes and arent real but they shure get my attention.

I think many more people have PTSD than know it, and with two wars going on the numbers will increase every day, no to mention on going abuse, etc.

Sorry I have not been back here in a while, so much going on in my head, it's difficult to sort it all.

AtLast, my startle response is on a hair trigger too, probably always will be. UGH.

Rocking, so sorry you are experiencing this, I have been having sleeping difficulties and crazy dreams too...waking up in a full sweat.

Still working on forgiving myself for my own weakness and working with a therapist with brain spotting getting past some of the traumas that are more body reactions than brain ones...though I know its all connected.

Still finding out more about my childhood and why and how it all happened.

Great posts here, thank you all for sharing!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Love and light!

Jet, congratulations on your breakthrough!

I've had some breakthroughs seeing and remembering what happened. It's like getting it out of my system. What bother me though, is constantly being tired and sleeping a lot. I wonder if this is normal after holding it in so many years.

I don't think its unusual, to need more rest, when we have been subjected to stress.

I totally get the needing more rest thing. These traumas are in our bodies as well as in our minds and as they exit our bodies need extra rest to heal.

I could use a nap right now in fact!

I don't know if you have ever experienced this, but since I have started releasing of shock in my system, I'm fatigued. I'm constantly tired and this is the second day that I have gone back to bed about 5 times. it's like I can't keep my eyes open.

I am feeling better and not nearly as affected with trauma (shock) in my system. I just wish i could wake up and not feel so tired. Maybe this makes up for months—years I couldn't sleep.