Wow. That looks great!

Sparkle, glad to hear your friend is improving. Yes, it is a lot of work for the carers. Thanks for updating us!

Such a long time....
 

My mom is dying. Regardless of the positives we recognize on a daily basis, regardless of the positives we invent and find relief in, regardless of the denial I'm constantly battered with, she's dying. In front of my eyes.

I feel guilty for recognizing this, for knowing it as fact, when I'm told over and over again to think positively, that miracles happen. Fuck miracles. I need someone here to be my partner in reality. Reality is a lonely business.

I left my home and moved to this emotionally repressed and depressed environment to be here for my family, to help in any way I could, to add stability to an unstable situation. I moved here out of love and the fear of regret. Unfortunately, I don't speak the same language they do; we don't share the same needs. The staunch, cold demeanor that says if we don't talk about something then it's not real is damaging to me. I need to cry, to let someone know I do feel. I need to talk practicalities while we still can. I need a hug most of all. My family and I are strangers to one another.

I knew this would be hard. The reality is beyond language capabilities. I did get hospice set up and they are fantastic. My job, as it's turned out, has been as taxi service (no one here drives), to listen but not be heard and financier of things I can no longer afford. My schedule has been such that job searching is severely limited. The money stress combined with the emotional stress has been overwhelming and I have to go back home. It seems I can do more long distance than I can right here and that breaks my heart. I love my mom, I'm thankful for what my sister's continuing to do, but for my own survival, I have to go back to my friends and the family I've built with them. I'm unable to be supportive in this situation without my own support.

Everyone who's been through this knows there is more between the lines. Anyone with less-than-ideal family dynamics knows it even more. I try to be strong every day when I start out; I try to find the necessary energies to deal with the different personalities; I try to function without the sleep that's eluded me for weeks now. I have nothing more to give to this vaccuum.

The guilt is immeasurable, the reality unbearable. I'll come back for the end, which could be a couple weeks, it could be a couple months. I don't know what's right anymore. I know, however, that if I stay through this I will not survive. Dramatic? Yes, but this is reality. My mom is dying and I have to say this goodbye before our final goodbye.

Lady Pamela,

I am sorry to hear that you have all of this going on. I hope that everything is ok for your daughter and your friend's mother. Also, being sad and afraid for yourself is not a pity party...it is human!

Hang in there. :rrose:

Thanks
 

Please don't hesitate to share and/or vent here Lady Pamela--that is what we love about this thread. You have an enormous load to carry right now and your are doing a great job managing it with strength and positive energy. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Jean

I can't recall if I shared this article before, it is a great piece posted in the LA Times in April, the title is "How not to say the wrong thing" I think it's a great model, and one worth sharing with everyone.

http://touch.latimes.com/#section/-1.../p2p-75241622/

/snip:

"How not to say the wrong thing
...
(She) developed a simple technique to help people avoid this mistake. It works for all kinds of crises: medical, legal, financial, romantic, even existential. She calls it the Ring Theory.

Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. For Katie's aneurysm, that's Katie. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. In the case of Katie's aneurysm, that was Katie's husband, Pat. Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order.
...
Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair" and "Why me?" That's the one payoff for being in the center ring.

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you're going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn't, don't say it. Don't, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don't need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, "I'm sorry" or "This must really be hard for you" or "Can I bring you a pot roast?" Don't say, "You should hear what happened to me" or "Here's what I would do if I were you." And don't say, "This is really bringing me down."

If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that's fine. It's a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.

Comfort IN, dump OUT.
....
Complaining to someone in a smaller ring than yours doesn't do either of you any good. On the other hand, being supportive to her principal caregiver may be the best thing you can do for the patient.

Most of us know this. Almost nobody would complain to the patient about how rotten she looks. Almost no one would say that looking at her makes them think of the fragility of life and their own closeness to death. In other words, we know enough not to dump into the center ring. Ring Theory merely expands that intuition and makes it more concrete: Don't just avoid dumping into the center ring, avoid dumping into any ring smaller than your own.

Remember, you can say whatever you want if you just wait until you're talking to someone in a larger ring than yours.

And don't worry. You'll get your turn in the center ring. You can count on that."

Hey, Pam. That is GOT to be hard, doing that every 3-6 months. Know you are in my thoughts.

Waiting is the hardest part! Sending lots of wonderful energy your way.

Lady Pamela, I am sending good energy for the news tomorrow. Try not to worry about the possible biopsy--yeah, I know that' a crazy thing to say but let me assure you that it is really an easy procedure--I was really scared before mine but they gave me some kind of fantastic drug and I have no memory of the procedure. When I came to I was like..."have they done the biopsy already" You are in my thoughts and prayers. Jean

Funny how a vacation or a fun day can fly by so fast, but waiting can make time DRAG on.

http://blog.beliefnet.com/blissblog/...7/patience.jpg

I need some of that damn inner peace right now! lol

Friday is the quarterly tumor marker blood work. Will this ever be easy on the nerves?

Deb, for me , the yearly ct scans never got easy--well. the scan was no problem but waiting for the results was nerve wracking. After waiting a week for my doctor to call with the results I was a basket case so the next year I made arrangements with the imaging facility to pick up a copy of the results the day after my tests. That was a lot easier for me. I will be thinking of you and awaiting good news. Your friend, Jean

I don't know the answer to that. Am I correct in assuming that the result will tell you for certain you have cancer in your body (I know that sounds like a dumb question)?

I honestly don't get too anxious when I get a CAT scan because I know the tumor has to be a decent size before it will show up (in my case). So, I never trust the scan. I find it to be meaningless. I think I have talked about this before.

ANYWAY, I am pretty certain that it is different in your case! I think that if I were in your shoes I would feel great anxiety, but great relief when it came back clear! I would guess that over time continuing to get an "all clear" result each time that your anxiety will decrease? Will you ever no longer have to do it quarterly?

The thing to keep in mind, deb is that you do everything that you can to keep yourself free of cancer. I know that like me, you believe in the power of eating a certain way/supplements. Every day you continue to create a inhospitable place for cancer to grow. Try to take solace in that fact. The research continues to show that you are cutting your chances down BIG TIME!

Let us know right away! I will be thinking of you!

Thank you Jeano!
Only one time did I leave without the results in my hand. I sat on the website WAITING for the results to post! Part of the stress has been, it takes a few tries to get a vein, but has gotten easier to give the blood. Veins seem to be healing and the nurse hit a vein the first time the last time. That takes a lot of the stress out of it.

Thank you Dapper :)

I feel almost the same about the blood work. Its not really going to catch it if its really early stages. They check organ function and for cancer cells.
I do eat healthy and have been working with a nutritionist. I have lost enough weight I needed a new wardrobe. lol
I think its next year its moved to every 6 months. It would help the stress if I didn't have walk past everyone in chemo to check in. :(

Awesome! Congrats!

white cell, some lymph counts are all low. more labs tomorrow. love this crap shoot

We move on.~~~
 

Hello to the Thread Readers and supporters, .It's been a while since I posted
I posted this in the What Are You Thankful For thread, and realized, it had a home here too.

Cancer Support is so important. With it, I breezed through three months of radiation treatment, tests, and occasionally fast moving side effects.

With A new wonderful lover at my side, or just a phone call away during working hours, she kept my mind and body happily occupied.

Tommi,

Thank you for sharing. I was so moved by what you wrote, for many reasons.

We DO move on.. No matter what life throws our way. We have to. I try to remember and live that that every day but every once in a while I need that swift kick in the rear. I thank you for that reminder.

I am so happy for the love that has come into your life. I love that you got tattoos together to mark this time in your journey. Your post leaves me with a smile. Not because of your recurrence but because of your love for life. It's a beautiful thing.

Lady Pamela,

Sorry the whole thing is such a mess. That is horrible for a person to go through. I would suggest doing what you can to get the original doctor to compare the x-rays. If not, make sure who ever reads them has the old x-rays for comparison.

Take care.

New Life Journey
 

Thank you so much for this post Pynk.

Tomorrow at 9AM will be the last Brachtherapy treatment. My girl is on a business trip across the country, my BFF's are vacationing in Paris, so, I knew I could come here, because the Planet is a place we can share.

The support from those I told about this has been wonderful. The smile kaijira gives me has taken it all away, and believe it or not, I looked forward to the appointments everyday. I knew iI had to do it, and just get it over with. So, we planned something for every weekend since August to be together and make sure I got that big smile, and we enjoyed the heck outta life.

We did, we are, and , next weekend we will celebrate radiation therapy being OVER. Camping in Malibu at a Shamain ritual...:moonstars: ( My first and which she is doing part of the ceremony) ..so, a new chapter , hell no.

This is a whole new book. So, guess I will have to start writing again :)

Wow, Tommi, I had no idea you were going through all of that. I made the assumption when you didn't come back to the thread that things were clear. I should have asked. I tend to "hide out"/slink away/whatever fits here, too when I get bad news, so I should have thought about that and asked! Sorry, brother. :(

I didn't tell hardly anyone I had cancer prior to my colon resection. I had a whole week and only told my best friend and the people who had to know at my work.

I am very, very glad that you shared with us now. It is fantastic that you had a new love by your side through all of this. I know it would have been much harder for me if I didn't have my partner.

It sounds like you went through a lot. I am so glad you are on the other side.

Please take good care of you!

Deb, for some reason I keep going back to this picture. It really is very beautiful. I think what makes it "work" so well too, is the band she has on her arm. Somehow it makes it "flow".

I am not a person who is big on tattoos. I tend to think that most are unattractive, but this is just fantastic. Fantastic!

Wow Tommi, so glad to hear you have so much love and support during this bump in the road. :) Hope you are getting your strength back quickly.
HUGS

I tend to hole up and slink away myself. Today (in an hour) I have a bone marrow biopsy. I had only told a few. Scared.

Oh, shit, deb. Please come back and share. Good thoughts sent to you.

Deb,

I always seem to be a day late :/ Sending lots of positive energy and tight but gentle hugs your way. XOXO