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That I deserved it. I was a fool to hope. There is no reading between the lines.. it was right there before Me all along. Indeed.
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here it is 1230 in the morning and im STILL awake...sleeping pill at 9--no effect....dilaudid about 45 min ago...nothing....felt horrible most of day--headache,dizzy,nauseous,and in pain---wtf is going on???
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my father's alcoholism... *sad sigh* i do so well, to distance myself these days, but when the going gets tough, it's hard to seem uncaring.. i know it's not that i don't care, because i do, and i want him well and i want him to stop and it's been years and years of taking care of him and it tears me apart to see him do this to himself and constantly rush him to the hospital.. i had to distance myself for my own sanity, because it's not something i can stop and it's certainly not my addiction to own either.. and i feel for him, for being in what seems like this deep sadness and lack of energy and he just isn't well.. his liver isn't well.. his heart isn't well.. so i need to not take this on.. but part of me just feels soo soo guilty, for not being there for him when he's going through his pain, his feeling unwell, his looking unwell.. i'm scared he'll start taking the seizures from withdrawal symptoms, and i'm also so scared he'll hurt himself or someone else... i'm just scared.. i'm scared that i'm making a bad decision my distancing him when he's like this, i'm scared i'll lose my father to this addiction and feel an enormous amount of guilt for the rest of my life for not trying to do what i could.. though i've tried for about 30 years now - i have begged, i have pleaded, i have taken over being his next of kin and tried to intervene, i've tried everything.. there just isn't anything more i can do unless he seeks help.. i just want to break down and cry when i hear him this way.. this week, i will try and gain the strength to make that phonecall again, to attend al anon meetings.. the first time i tried, i didnt return after the first meeting, i was a twisted ball of emotions and petrified to go back. but i need something... anything... =( |
Why my cell phone display just lit up for no apparent reason...Mercury, is that you?
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Today: I've had so much on my mind that I think my brain is melting or my head it about to explode!! Please, someone, light the fuse so I can get this FizzleSizzlePopAndCrackle over with!! :bomb: :chemist: :explode: I'm look forward to a "thought free, brain power free zone" this coming weekend; I will be.... http://i827.photobucket.com/albums/z...t/HotTub02.gif |
thinking about how strange but cool my little brain damaged kitty is...i have to share(spoon feed) my lemon pie yogurt,jello,peanut butter sandwich,fudgesicles,and now banana bread with her....she was like an animal going crazy for the bread just a second ago.......i sure love that little confused,precious thing
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What is on my mind...
Where can I find a bobble head of the Progressive Insur. lady? :eatinghersheybar: |
The line of storms coming through
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repetitive
five days until surgery
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A very long to-do list.
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What's on my mind...
realizing I left my debit card at home and only have $3.67 in cash for lunch. WTH?! |
werner herzog
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On my mind is my trip on Friday |
Having a great day planned tomorrow with a wonderful femme friend. :tea:
Horray for girl time!!!!! :spruceup: |
Truly thinking that the California DMV will give a license to just about any jack ass...well at least I know one more place my tax dollars does no good with
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Quote:
:giggle: --------- |
this that and the other. time space and telephone calls.
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Looks like there will be no beach for me this weekend. Not only did the coworker who owed me hours skip out on me, but the other one must've ran out of minutes on her phone because she isn't answering. :(
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I didnt do any studying for my math class tonight... OH WELL... its not like its that hard...
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Our car needs an oil change...
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