Butch Femme Planet - Infidelity

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- Breakups, Lessons Learned, Healing (http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=131)

- - Infidelity (http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1084)

Quote:

Originally Posted by apocalipstic (Post 73089)

I have seen people pull out the Poly card...after they cheat too. This needs to be negotiated before the fact or it's plan o'le cheating.

What about people who always line us a new host (OOps, I mean partner) before they break up with their correct partner. Not very honorable or healthy in my book.

If you know you can't just be with one person, that is OK...but don't pretend you can be. Be honorable and honest with your partners. Choose to be Poly. or have an open relationship with a like minded person/s. It's a great thing to know yourself and be honest about who you are. Bravo to people who are brave enough to be ethical in these matters!!!!! I agree with Snow on this. There really is no excuse for cheating.

Also, I have seen where one person wants to be poly, but is too jealous for their partner to be. I call Bullshit on this. Bs bsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbssbsbsbsbsbsbs

Be honorable. Be ethical. Treat others as you would like your sister or mother to be treated, if you don't care enough about yourself to treat others as you would like to be treated.

I should have stuck to the only four words that matter to me regarding cheating: I'll cut a bitch. :onebutch:

yeah I've been hit by that truck too. isn't life grand?

Quote:

Originally Posted by apocalipstic (Post 73089)

Also, I have seen where one person wants to be poly, but is too jealous for their partner to be. I call Bullshit on this. Bs bsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbssbsbsbsbsbsbs

Quote:

Originally Posted by I'mOneToo (Post 73082)

hmm has there ever been a case of same-sex decisions that are similar?

Not sure. Too lazy to go do the research to find out if any of the states that still have the law on the books allow same sex marriage. It's not impossible..

Quote:

Originally Posted by I'mOneToo (Post 73086)

I agree, it's a lifestyle that requires a lot of negotiation and discussion.

See and *I* think that any kind of relationship requires alot of negotiation, open communication, transparency and discussions.. I don't see how this only pertains to poly. All of my relationships be they friendships, lovers, friends, fuck buddies, one night stands, etc are going to be clear and open.. This to *me* leads to a happier time and well keeps things from turning into something ugly..

Now, not everyone can do this because for someone unknown reason, lying, playing games and smoke and mirrors sounds better than all the above... Why? I dunno guess we should look deep in the mirror and ask ourselves why...

Maybe I can rephrase or add to my comment and say, it requires a *specific* type of negotiation and openness. For all involved parties to be agreeable, it's negotiation x (however many) and some say, "the more the merrier" and other say, "sheesh I can't even keep up with one." It goes without saying for me, that without openness and communication, it's gonna fail. But when I fail, it's because I look the other way when I know goddamned well what's going on. That's my biggest failure. It's not consensual, it's not discussed, and it ends up festering. And what's my part in that? It's a weakness because I just let it beat me down until I give up. Instead of it being a love that lifts me up, it's a drain that saps my energy. Then I become less willing to lift the other in love, because I'm feeling cheated. It's a vicious circle.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow (Post 73106)

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow (Post 73106)

I think some people know themselves better than others...and are brave enough to look inside and make decisions that work for them, rather than what they think is expected.

Then there are other people who habitually cheat, hate themselves for it and act really badly and then lie to their partners and try to make them think they are crazy....but somehow to them this is better than just admitting that they should not be monogamous.

It seems so simple, but most people do not see it that way.

Women cheat just like men do. It isn't just one sided, and that is the impression I am getting reading this thread.

Nobody knows what happens in a relationship between a couple. That is between them. Alot of debate can go on about how their passion has fizzled, both are working long hours, one bought a new car while so and so needs one, then the kids, and on and on. All this is - is an educated guess. That is all it is. The truth lies with the couple. Maybe they have decided to part ways. Who's business is it? Not mine. Not yours. That is gossip. And it's wrong imho.

I think of the saying, and forgive me I am not sure of how it actually reads, but it is something along the lines like "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" aka it is payback time. That is not what life is about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr. (Post 73124)

Ummm. I think you may be reading something I am not? Just a thought.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr. (Post 73124)

Both sexes cheat. What I am saying is that it is more honorable to break up first...or to just be poly in the first place. :)

I know every single person I mentioned in my posts is a woman. Not one single man.

But we don't have to agree. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by apocalipstic (Post 73136)

Butches cheat, Femmes cheat, in fact the only species that doesn't for sure I think is the goose. Shrug. :flyingpig:

It's funny you ladies both spoke up. From a guys pov, I really thought this was about a guy cheating. I think in society you see more of men cheating than women. And if women stray...it goes un-noticed or isn't focused upon.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuperFemme (Post 73142)

Butches cheat, Femmes cheat, in fact the only species that doesn't for sure I think is the goose. Shrug. :flyingpig:

Good to know. If soemthing ever happens with Cynthia, I will keep transpecies dating in mind. :balloon:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Random (Post 72966)

For me.. you hit it on the nail... It's the dishonesty, the lies.. It effects not only the pair bonding but your trust in yourself... How did I not see that this person was capible of this? How did I not see the signs.. Then there is the ever famous... *I know that xxxx loved me beyond words, I know that is true.. I would have bet my life that they would never lie to me.. Never willingly hurt me... If they could do this to me, being who they are, then how can I trust anyone ever to be honest with me again? How can I belive in a world where the only truth was a lie?*

It shifts your world view and changes who you are...

I know for me... It wasn't all bad.. It made me grow up and see the world as it is.. It made me aware, made me self reliant.. it turned me into someone who is mistress of her own house, her own heart... Lol.. It turned the princess into a Queen...

Exactly. The rose colored glasses come off and, for me, I haven't been the same. I've been made more aware like you, but haven't quite evolved to the point that I don't carry around that suspicion, though it is buried deep. And, it's not necessarily a 'he's going to cheat on me' thing. It's a general distrust of my partners, which of course, is not good in any situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Random (Post 72999)

I don't think this is always the case..

If someone is a serial cheater, then that is one thing... But I think at times, people just don't know how to remove themselves from relationships.. You know the entire.. *I don't want to hurt her* but the silly thing is.. It's going to hurt either way... In my mind.. do it quickly, do it bluntly, do it clean...

...like a Bandaid.

I do, however, believe once someone has traveled a road once, then that path is much easier to follow in the future. This applies to all aspects of our sordid human nature, not just infidelity.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Linus (Post 73005)

Agreed. I did have a partner who cheated on me and one who was already moving on before we broken up. That said, I believe that they are faithful to the partners they are with now and are happier. I had tried to resolve things with a partner who had cheated on me but I've found once it's done, it's hard to trust again. It is certainly my own issue (I'll admit to lingering trust and abandonment issues) but it's an issue nonetheless.

I find it frustrating in that if the person had spoken to me about whatever had caused them to stray we could have either resolved together to separate amicably or entered into a poly relationship (if all parties were inclined and opened for that).

Today, if it is happens, the existing relationship will be over and I'll be moving on. Given my previous experience and knowing myself I know it'll be better in the long run.

The cheating partner assumes they know the other so well that they make the decision of how things are going to progress for the couple. Maybe the other partner might have been open to an open relationship, with pro-safe sex parameters I'd hope, or polygamy. I really don't like it when my options or choices are taken away from me before I have been made aware of them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I'mOneToo (Post 73082)

hmm has there ever been a case of same-sex decisions that are similar?

Highly unlikely, given that we don't have the right to marry or share custody in many states. Interesting thought, though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuperFemme (Post 73091)

I should have stuck to the only four words that matter to me regarding cheating: I'll cut a bitch. :onebutch:

I love you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by apocalipstic (Post 73136)

Poly, however, doesn't give one a carte blanche to cheat or be unfaithful. There still is a requirement to communicate and share to a certain degree, depending on how the relationship is set up.

Infidelity is about lying to the partner(s) about one's intention and deliberately not talking to them about issues.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuperFemme (Post 73142)

Butches cheat, Femmes cheat, in fact the only species that doesn't for sure I think is the goose. Shrug. :flyingpig:

and maybe penguins?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr. (Post 73146)

Yes, I agree that is a stereotype of men

But every person I mentioned...women!

People are just people.

It is all about talking or communication. That is key in all relationships. :dance2:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Linus (Post 73150)

Very good point, I should have been more clear!

Yes, if you want to love more than one person be Poly, if you want to sleep with whomever, be single!

Better?

Quote:

Originally Posted by little man (Post 73151)

and maybe penguins?

Wolves mate for life. I think dolphins do too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemme (Post 73157)

Wolves mate for life. I think dolphins do too.

Pondering which is cuter, in case I ever am single again. :unicorn: