Butch Femme Planet - Ireparably Broken?

Butch Femme Planet (http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/forum/index.php)

- Breakups, Lessons Learned, Healing (http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=131)

- - Ireparably Broken? (http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3941)

Quote:

Originally Posted by ButchEire (Post 455214)

I'm not sure if the book is suggesting that someone who has an insecure attachment style should seek out someone with a secure one, but this simply won't happen. A person who exemplifies genuine secure attachment won't engage in a relationship with someone who isn't. It's counterproductive and counterintuitive to the nature of secure attachment.

Hi ButchEire...and sorry it's been so long before I responded. I haven't been back in the thread until today and didn't see your post.

I have to respectfully disagree.

Attachment style is important, no doubt...but it is far from the only factor in attraction or relationships. I could point to numerous examples....first being my dearest friend, clearly an anxious, who's been married to the same securely attached man for over 20 years.

Sure...it may mean that their relationship is more work than a secure/secure attachment...but it doesn't invalidate it. And, over time, she has become more secure herself because she is getting the stability she craves and needs.

You're making a pretty absolute statement there...and implying that the only factor in a relationship is attachment style. I think there are others...like chemistry, shared values, common interests, shared lifestyle preferences...

Saying that people who are securely attached would only pick another secure implies that they would be ignoring all of these other factors...which I sincerely doubt. Do you pick your relationships based on how easy or logical they are? How secure the other person is? Or do you pick someone that makes your heart sing and swell?

I know how I pick.

But then again, I'm an anxious....

Quote:

Originally Posted by ButchEire (Post 455214)

Hi, ButchEire. I hear what you are saying here if you look at it from strict Attachment Theory (Bowlby, Ainsworth, whoever it was that defined adult romantic attachment styles in the 1980's), standpoint, but my guess is that this book is a water downed version that is useful for laymen in their relationships. I would suggest this book has merit for that purpose.

<--- secure attachment style, who may distance a bit when dating a secure/anxious attachment style, who is hys most common choice of partner.

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Anya* (Post 430234)

Interesting thread. I know what has shaped me to be the person I am, I have insight into myself, my behaviors, how my thoughts impact my actions but yet, too many times I found myself back in the same place, saying WTF- u did it again?!

Sadly, it's validating for me to hear that a smart woman like you can be so dumb, so to speak—I'm fairly well endowed, intellectually, but it doesn't seem to help me much when it comes to relationships. I am convinced I have a romance-based learning disorder and always will. I hope that isn't true for you.

Physical/emotional abuse by parents/marry @ 18 to escape their prison to move into a new one with my physically/emotionally abusive bio husband, fell in love with my first GF but someting was missing- oh yes, she treated me like a queen. Unused to it. She was a dear but she was a femme and I didn't feel that powerhouse sexual attraction.

I fled my family at 16 to be an abusive teenage marriage. What I learned from my parents' marriage was, Stay no matter how bad it is—ironically I ran like the wind from my childhood, and still struggle with the flight impulse, which was my first way of protecting myself. And like you, I didn't date butch women at first... but I have to say just because they're butch, for me, doesn't mean the sexual match is ideal. I know you weren't saying that either.

Then I met my butch. Instant attraction. She was so bright, funny, charming, 3rd year law school (till the frontal lobe brain tumor took her logic, ability to make good judgments away but left her with lots and lots of id-the Fruedian type of id- where she would fuck any hot girl possible, followed bybtears, apologies, it will never happen again but it did, couples therapy, piles of emotional abuse for me and my two daughters that couldn't help but know the house was so tense it could have been cut with a knife. Yes, I took my daughters to counseling too, even though they hated to go. They needed a healthy place to process to.

Damn, I had no idea, though I really don't know you after reading only a couple dozen posts. Wow. My dad just had a stroke and I'm seeing the same scary release of id that you're talking about. (He gets mad in the car, slams on the brakes, it fishtails, I freeze as I did when I was a kid, and realize I've got the father of childhood back...) Others with family members who've had brain damage and strokes have shared with me that it's not an unusual behavior, that loss of impulse control. But it sucks.

Numb, yes, pretty much for 6 years. I haven't even really dated all this time.
It seems so simple to tell someone: just take a chance. That my be easier to say if 50% of the chances you have taken in your own life were good ones. It is not so easy when 80% of those chances were bad ones for you.

I am not totally numb now. I see sparkles of light coming through my living room curtains. I saw the sun shine on the water and heard the waves yesterday. I was reminded that there is still life to live. I don't exactly know how yet but have to believe that there is one more woman for me out in the world that I can fully trust and again open my soul up to some fresh air.

I really hope that is true. I don't believe there is someone for everyone and I don't think it's always our fault if we end up alone and I don't believe "it'll happen when you're ready"—I think dumb luck and the random nature of the universe has a role in things too. But whatever it is, I hope you find someone truly awesome and deserving of you.

I know this has not been a good day for me. The loss of my dogs is a trigger for me of abandonment-that I know. The whole thing is like a giant ball of yarn in all different colors. Each strand represents a loss I have had. I should probably put it on a barge and drop it in the ocean (as long as not harmful to fish, etc that live in the ocean). Maybe I will do one for myself, symbolic of the losses & then set it on fire or something. Have to give that thought.

Keep the metaphors coming. They buoy those unconscious things up to the surface, and help us process, IMO.

Sorry for the ramble. I can't sleep, it's 11:36pm and I have to go to work tomorrow. Good night.

Insomnia is cruel and unfair. Trite as it sounds, I find things really do seem better in the morning light. I hope that's true for you too sometimes.

Wow! I did not scroll back to see when I posted that Island Scout but believe it was around the beginning of October 2011.

Shortly after that post, I did meet a truly wonderful butch and fell in love!

Of course, love is not a cure-all for all of the stressors that life throws at us and I have had more than my share this past month but it does help cushion your soul if it is a healthy love.

We can never undo our childhood but I think I have learned enough about myself now to know when those old wounds are "acting up" and interfering with my present.

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Anya* (Post 565069)

Wonderful news!!! Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. :)

I think you know the problem already seeing as how you said it. "Has anyone felt this inexplicable disconnect from feeling and your heart in general after a difficult, emotionally abusive relationship? It has been well over 2 years since I broke up with my ex and I still find myself unable to feel anything." It's a protective measure after being hurt. It will pass in time and with emotional work. It will not disappear on it's own. It's about your ability to trust. If you're nerdy, try googling oxytocin and trust or bonding. Everything one feels/emotes is based on a hormone, neurotransmitter or other trace protein.
My issue is that...I trust I will find someone to be with. It just may take many years and meeting many women. I keep adding things to my long list of requirements. And there are few available butch women in the city I live in. I'll have to import or move and I feel that importing is not really an option in my life.
This is all so difficult...finding love, finding a meaningful relationship, finding someone to BE with. I wish all the best of luck. May we all be clear about our wants/needs/desires. May we all get the love we are capable of growing with. May we all find the love that makes our hearts sing and feet itch to dance at the sound of laughter.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning (Post 430131)

I searched a bit, although I'm not entirely familiar with the threads, and I didn't see anything like this so I apologize if it's a repeat.

Has anyone felt this inexplicable disconnect from feeling and your heart in general after a difficult, emotionally abusive relationship? It has been well over 2 years since I broke up with my ex and I still find myself unable to feel anything. I have had people interested in me and there's this absolute disconnect with emotion, empathy, passion. Everyone said, give it time, which I have ... and yet I still find myself questioning what my heart is even capable of anymore. My ex and I have even spoken of this and hy says, not everyone is me, give them a chance ... but I'm terrified of finding myself "trapped" in a similar situation so I have avoided feeling anything for anyone for a long time.

I'm not looking for anyone to solve my problem for me, I know that's an answer that only I can find from within. I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this, thoughts, opinions?

"Finally, I sought therapy and began working on myself--I also had to look at what made me stay with that disgusting, lying, cheating, pig-fucker, and own my part in choosing someone like that and allowing it to go on as long as it did. Thankfully I had an amazing couple of therapists and it's been about 5 years now and it seems like a lifetime ago."

This is the best way I know to get over a broken heart. Look at all the flaws you initially ignored or swept under the rug :D

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sweet_Amor_Taino (Post 457538)

It finally was off and I felt like I was detoxing from an addiction. I stayed single for 5 years,it took me 5 years to finally be able to move forward and finally meet my ex.

Detox is right. I'm grateful to be able to read of the many who have seen where they have made mistakes and moved on. his is an inspiring thread.

lovers come and go .. but ur pride is forever . karma :)))

Quote:

Originally Posted by mariamma (Post 565246)

Detox is right. I'm grateful to be able to read of the many who have seen where they have made mistakes and moved on. his is an inspiring thread.

This is the first time I have read this thread---lots of good stuff here.
I also got help from a good therapist after about a year of being angry all the time. For my own health I had to release the anger and forgive in order to heal. Another part for me was to recognize that there was a considerable amount that was my shit and I had to acknowledge that. I have now been single for several years and , most of the time, I'm ok with that. I can still vaugely remember the thrill of being in love . lol

Yes. I feel like I am irrepairably broken. It hurts so much to feel that way. My heart was devastated when I was younger and somehow I've just never fully recovered. Then I got into a couple of abusive rships and that messed me up even more. I feel like there is a part of me that I'm closed off from, like it's on the other side of a wall or a veil... I can see it but I can't touch it. I would just love to be in love again, to feel that intensity of feeling, that giddiness and happiness... it makes me so sad to feel like I am shut off from that. I don't want to be! It is part of what makes me a romantic cos I dream about the Butch who will break my defences down and help me have the courage to go there again. I want that... I am also afraid. A few times in the past I have sort of looked at dating sites and stuff but quickly backed off out of fear...I've been at this about a week this is the longest stretch of time I've stuck with it lol... and I'm nervous... afraid of rejection too...
and anyway Butches don't seem interested in me... maybe I am too broken or too ugly or too smart or I don't even know... I feel like I'll never be good enough even or pretty enough or desirable enough... maybe I am too broken. I don't know. I haven't quite given up yet but I have a lot of negative self-hate talk that runs through my head a lot... sexy huh :P don't mind the pity party over here.

we are irreparably broken. we can still love, and be loved...