I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, Is that you, little Joey Pagano?

Yes, Father, it is.

And who was the girl you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say, says Joey
Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?
I'll never tell
Was it Nina Capelli?
I'm sorry, but I cannot name her Father
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

I got four months vacation and five good leads!

only in florida
 

So I was on my way home - I was sorta out in the country, and as I am driving I see the start of advertising signs for the upcoming fruit/veg stand

Plant City Strawberries

Sweet Corn

Big Ass Tomatoes :blink:

Hi Gemme

So your saying Big Ass Tomatoes are a specific kind of tomato?

LOL ok, just clarifying, since everything is bigger in Texas, that maybe you had some kind of funky new tomatoes.

Used to love eating at Dinosaur BBQ in Syracuse when we lived there....but it was always a little tricky at business lunches when what I really wanted to order was the "Big Ass Pork Plate."

Image hell....it was worth the momentary :| look that followed from co-workers.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them… grabs some sliced limes and eats them… then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did? No, what? says the guy. He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole! says the bartender. Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and other things he ate. He the finishes his drink, pays the bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s back at the same bar again, monkey by his side as usual. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did? What this time? asks the patron. Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it! says the barkeeper.
Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first.

So theres a guy drowning in water, and a boat comes by and says do u need help, and the guy says no thank you, God will help me

so then he's still drowning, and another boat comes by and says do u need help, and the guy says no thank you, God will help me

so the man dies

goes to heaven

and asks God, why didn't u help me

and God says....

i sent TWO big boats u dummy

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons. I love that joke.:hangloose::hangloose::jester::cigar2:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.



(Hardly seems worth it.)






If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.


(Now that's more like it!)






The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.


(O.M.G.!)






A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.


(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)






A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)


(I'm still not over the pig.)






Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.


(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)






The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.


(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)






The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.


(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)






The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.


(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)






Some lions mate over 50 times a day.


(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)






Butterflies taste with their feet.


(Something I always wanted to know.)






The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.


(Hmmmmmm.......)






Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.


(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)






Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.


(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)










A cat's urine glows under a black light.


(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)






An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.


(I know some people like that.)






Starfish have no brains.


(I know some people like that, too.)






Polar bears are left-handed.


(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)






Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.


(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)























=

Why did the tomato blush?

He saw the salad dressing :rofl:

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins

on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will

mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of

compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members

of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes

in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is

deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle

around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

Yeah, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windshield, It said parking fine

that was nice of them

I’m cle’a[ni.ng m'y' ke]yb36oa;rd.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?

Chocolate chimp cookies.

When diet and exercise fail...?

Diet and exercise don't fail! Ask your doctor if getting up off your ass is right for you!

* Knock, knock.

> Who's there?

* Control freak! OK now you say 'control freak who'!

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.

"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...

"Having sex!. They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.

Descartes was having dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter came up and asked, "Will you have dessert?"

Descartes said, "Oh, I think not." And poof! He disappeared!

From a friend of mine..

Greek Philosophy --- As pertinent today as 399 BC !!

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife!

How do hipsters say Hi?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

You don't already know?

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. . . yes, I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-
lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at two in the morning

The Gay Cowboy...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Do you know someone who is alive today simply because you can't afford a hitman?

On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy)

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if the seal is broken." So I opened the box and sure enough.

A teacher gave her kids lifesavers. The children began to identify the flavors by the colors - red/cherry, yellow/lemon, green/lime, orange.. Finally the teacher gave them all Honey lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. She said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God, they're assholes!" The teacher had to leave the room.