I never used to think so. But yeah depends on a lot of things..But I do agree it can happen. My ex and I have a very special common factor. ( Our love for our kids and and grandkids ) So it makes it easier to make sure we all get along. Took some time but I believe we are getting there.

I agree with those who said "It depends."

If there is still pain over an ex... even if it ended with honesty... I don't think friendship is wise.

If there was cheating or dishonesty... I actually think forgiveness can happen and with forgiveness can come friendship. I forgave my ex who lied and cheated because they made an amends that was genuine. I know it is wise to forgive regardless, but the amends makes it easier to move to friendship. I am not ready for a friendship with this person because the situation still causes me pain. But one day... when there is no pain... we may be able to be friends. Only time will tell.

I think the hardest for me has been to remain friends when someone leaves your life without a goodbye. Even if you hurt or upset them... going without a goodbye just seems so mean. But again, if they no longer cause pain... then friendship is possible even in this situation. Although, it would be hard for me to trust that they wouldn't just decide to leave again with no notice... and I guess that is a form of pain... so this one might not work for me.

So nothing new here... it depends. :)

Hmm...
 

I can't say being friends with an ex has ever worked for me (and by ex I mean someone I was in an actual relationship with). I prefer the clean break, myself.

Of course, that's easy for me to say. The closest I came to a custody battle or division of assets was over a comfy college sweatshirt. Had there been children or a longer, shared history together...I'd probably think differently.

Lately, I've been dating mostly older women and they have a much healthier, more centered idea of parting. Grateful for the time we shared together and with good wishes and thoughts for the road ahead (and I was the one who was being "dismissed").

I could see myself possibly connecting with a few, maybe even meeting for a friendly glass of wine or coffee. But - I'd certainly buy myself a new dress and some good lipstick first.

every time i see this thread i think of the old msn chats (gone but not forgotten). the bot would randomly appear in the room and ask the question, ... can you be friends with your ex? i wish that i could remember her name LOL. the bots name, of course. not the ex.

I'm friends with almost everyone I've been seriously involved with, and most of the ones I've been casually involved with, too. The only exceptions either cheated, lied, or were abusive. There are a couple of people that I don't see or speak to, just because we've fallen out of touch, but if we lived in the same area, we'd be friendly. I guess I feel like if I liked you well enough as a person to date you or sleep with you, then I like you well enough as a person to be friends when the sex/romance part of things ends. That all said, it sure makes Thanksgiving dinner interesting sometimes, with all those exes around my table. They all know me well, and I don't get away with much of anything.

Only my ex husband, and only because of our little girl I put the effort in to reshape our relationship because as far as I'm concerned - She loves him...so I better find a way to love him too. This took a lot of soul searching, and a lot of talking. The effort has paid off and finally we talk to each other more like friends although we still argue more than I would like.

Today he said he had googled some pics of a sexy actress he likes. He said I should check her out. I said I know his type and it's highly unlikely that she will do it for me. I asked if she is anything like KD Lang. He says - K.D Lang!?You really are a proper lesbian! Which made me laugh. I mentioned something about a friend of ours today and he said she's fit (hot). He's right - she is. I said am I fit? He says yes you are actually, but you're gay. Funny he never gave me complements when we were married and I expected him to say...hmmm, you're ok.

The way he dealt with our marriage break up has given me more respect for him, and I care about him deeply now. He's probably my best friend.

Of course you can! I'm friends with most of my exes. Funny thing last year I was at an outdoor concert (k.d. lang no less) and looked around at my friends and suddenly realized 3 of the 4 women on the picnic blanket were my exes and the 4th was my date. I guess because I am really discerning (ok, fine....picky) about who I get involved with I can't imagine not wanting to be their friend after the more carnal part of the relationship is over. This actually holds true no matter who initiates the break-up. I also don't value my worth by whether or not I am with someone nor do I take it personally if something ends. Like colors on a canvas, some just work better together than others do. Doesn't mean I won't feel sad or bummed but I try and hold the good stuff and release the bad. I will say for myself that when it's over it's over as far as a "relationship." To sort of cement that idea I am a firm believer in a hiatus in communication until alllll the feelings have died out. I see way too many folks doing the "come-here-go-away-come-here" dance. Some exes I can be friends with sooner than others. I think the records were 10 days (mutual break-up) and 3 years (she lied and cheated.) I have also set an ex up with someone I think would be a good fit and one such pairing has lasted 7 years. I'm happy, I like to see other people happy. Each person in my life has been like a mirror, showing me different parts of myself, and for that I am grateful. I count it a bonus that not only do I want to be their friend, but they also want to be mine. :gimmehug:


Katniss~~(rich in friends...)

I'm friends with most of my exes. Some it's taken longer to be friends with. Others, well...it could be easier if they put some effort into it and realized that there are no hard and fast rules that say I have to accept any lies going forward.

Absolutely. I am friends with most.

Yes definitely, as I stop and think about it I am friends with several of them. The degree to which I have contact with each of them varies. I think if the person cheated, lied or had difficulty making good choices about certain things then that might be a different situation.

I am friends with most of my ex's, oddly enough the only one I'm not, clearly stated from the get go, should we break up she would never be my friend. I find it interesting that you chose to give yourself to this person for one reason or the other, so why when things end and granted it depends how it ends you wouldn't at some point still cherish what you shared...but still even if it ended badly they were special at some point. I'm a firm believer that people come into your life for a reason, even if it's to learn a lesson you wish you could have lived without.

Yes I think you can if the relationship was left on good terms. I am friends with say 4 of my ex's only due to that fact. But I can see why some folks are not friends with their ex's.

I don't know. I'm friends with one of my ex's, but she constantly crosses lines and blurs boundaries....so my ex is more of an acquaintance than a friend. For example, she asked me to take photos of her in lingerie to send to her current girlfriend. ....I said no, but was totally caught off guard. Somehow I seem to be attracted to folks with boundary issues.

Yes "it depends"
However, in my experience and in seeing similar situations with others...very rarely does this work out.

The only ex I still associate with is only an ex because we now have 5k miles between us. We still have feelings for each other and if distance were not a factor we would still be in a sexual/romantic relationship.
The other exes and I don't speak to each other unless we are at an event and run into each other. We are civil but I wouldn't say we are friends.

Part of me really wishes I could be optimistic about exes as friends. I want to believe it can happen. However, I would always advise caution. There is a reason that person is no longer in your life.

In every situation is dealt with differently same with ex's and not all will turn out the same where as I'm friends with an ex and another I don't even talk to her and her and I live in the same state!

For me, the answer is overwhelmingly no. If I break up with someone it's for a reason. I think if there are still feeling involved it's an awful idea! But yeah. It depends on the situation and people. I have exactly one ex I am still good friends with. And we had a very close friendship before we ever got involved, and it took time and space.

I think the potential for drama is high.

I think it definitely depends on the ex. In light of recent events, I have become more open to this possibility than I once was....

I'm friendly with most exes, but we're not friends. If we run into each other, we'll hug, smile, and all that jazz ... or we'll connect once or twice a year (if that) to catch up on old news—who died, got married, came out, had a baby, etc.— but that's as far as it goes with me.

I think people unconsciously send messages to each other, so being friends with an ex is not a good idea to me.

I am on friendly terms with most of my exes. After all, they still have the qualities they possessed that attracted me to them in the first place and are for the most part, really good people. However, I would not choose to be a part of their everyday life, because it would be too much like dragging the past into today. The past is done, and I live in the now. :)

All do respect to those who can...But for most people there are reasons why exes are exes...

Then again what do I know... I don't really have a past... My partner of many many wars was my first my last, my only, my everything.... ;(

It definitely does depend, but I can say that I'm fortunate that I'm friends with most all of my exes except for 2 or 3. My ex from 4 years ago came back into my life after she broke up with her gf (who didn't allow her to talk with any of her exes) and is now one of my best friends. I also count an ex of mine from 20 years ago as one of my best friends. And other of my exes are definitely still very important in my life.

I decided to date these women and become involved with them because besides being very attracted to them sexually, I also respected them strongly. And after both of us mourned the break up enough, we would realize that the parts we respected remained....we just didn't gel for a life together.

I largely refuse to acknowledge the fact that my exes still exist on earth. I do give fair warning that this is how I operate. No one walks into our relationship being taken by surprise at my actions when it ends. I'm incapable of handling rejection. Is it a flaw? Absolutely. But it's been me since I was 1 year old.

There is one ex that I am still friends with as a special case.

When my parents got together, they had been lab partners in university together and best friends. So when they divorced, after time apart and new partners, they became incredibly close friends again. They never were cruel to each other after breaking up and never spoke bad of each other in front of the kids.

I learned how to act with break ups from their example, for which I am very grateful.
My first first long term relationship was with my closest friend of a few years and breaking up and losing that friendship was agreed to be an utter and needless waste. I'm still friends with him - we still needed time apart to get used to the break.

Every time the friendship has not worked is when I missed them too much to not be able to keep the wise rule of at least several months apart (and sometimes a year or so) to recalibrate myself independently. Too soon back into a friendship ruins it. Too many hurt feelings still abound, and being unable to put things in perspective.

Granted, I'm never friends with people who have fucked me about. But exes where the relationship just wasn't working out because our emotional or communication differences, or grew apart or changed, then of course I'd want to keep the friendship.

Exes are exes for a reason, but often the reasons aren't because they are an innate arsehole or cheat, often the reason is you just aren't a long term *romantic* match for compatibility reasons. And nothing to do with nastiness.

My ex-bio husband I have no relationship with but when my oldest daughter graduated from college, we wound up sitting in the same row, almost next to each other. My daughter said that she almost fainted to see us cordial with each other. It was for my daughter. Of all days, her college graduation demanded it!

When both my daughters married, we again were cordial and superficially friendly but never will we be friends.

My first GF and I are still friends.

My long-term ex still sends me emails about her thrilling and exciting life (which I do not respond to but I get them anyway). Exaggeration and fibs were her stock in trade. I guess I feel some pity for her so I do not block her. Friends we will never be but I do not hate her.

Overall, whether I still feel fondness or dislike, for me, the word friend connotes a level of deep trust and with an ex; trust is pretty much gone.

Friendship-no.

2 exs
 

My ex of 22 yrs and I are still friends, always will be. My ex of 11 yrs is now with the butch she cheated with and I have zero contact even though we live in the same apt. building. Life goes on and dating is not such a bad thing. Some exs are worth keeping in mind , some you just have to let go and continue with your own life.

Exactly. Thank you for wording it perfectly

I have never been "friends" with an ex...I try to remain friendly, but not friends.

My ex-husband (father of my child), is still a part of my life because of my daughter...we have never said one nasty word about each other, and always put her welfare first. But friends? No...he doesn't keep boundaries well, and used to try and have sex if we were alone.

it really depends on how you parted.
like some ppl have said here, sometimes a break is needed to get to know yourself again just for you.
personally speaking, i see no problem being friends with a ex.
as long as you keep to the boundaries that you know just friendship entails.
the best exe's/now friends are the ones you started out just being friends with in the first place.
am a great believer in, if its meant to be and you have real respect for one another then you can be friends.
because lets face it, real true friends are hard to come by, and you will always find that out when ya down on ya luck.

I think it makes a difference that I have many exes, rather than one or two. I also don't tend to get serious super quickly. So if we stop seeing each other after 6 months, a year, 18 months, I haven't started living with them, I haven't merged lives with them and I am not sure we will be together forever yet anyway.

To me that is utterly different in terms of becoming friends than someone I was with for five years who cheated on me after we got married.

My friendships are just as deep and intimate as my relationships. I have taken off work to fly into a different state just because my good friend was lonely. I regularly ask my bff for no questions asked favors and they are never an issue. She is golden. If any of my friends asked me for my entire next paycheck, I'd give it to them, no doubt. Friends aren't a hi and bye type of thing to me.

Chances are if you did not cut the muster as a significant other, you aren't going to be capable of/want to engage in the types of friendships that I cherish either.

Outside of the couple abusive assholes and a cheating bitch, the majority of my exes just faded away naturally...they just...weren't that important in my life anymore and neither was I in theirs. It was all very amicable. My last girlfriend and I were friends for awhile but that inevitably blew up. I say inevitably because the main reason we broke up was because talking to her was like me speaking French and her speaking Portugese...We might could muddle through understanding a few things, but in general, we just couldn't get what the other was saying. That made the friendship just as fraught as our romantic relations were.

Yep, as long as they are not a raging douche.

I think perhaps because I'm an extrovert I have lots of different kinds of friendships and see value in all of them. I need my friendly but not intense friendships just as much as I need my friends who have been with my closet core group for 32 years. I have friends who are like cousins, friends who I have a beer with and we just have a great laugh. I have friends do I swap massages with and chat and gossip about school and never see each other outside of that context.

I love people in that people are my books. I like reading them, enjoying them for just the story that they are. I like having deep and meaningful passing conversation with people I might never see again. I love talking to strangers. I love a chat.

I know that for others, mostly my exes, who are die hard introverts, they only want a very small core number of people in their lives of the highest caliber because people wear them out.

Me, I love and need Champagne friends, roast beef dinner friends and a packet of crisps friends.

So perhaps it's just how we also view friendships in general and extroversion/introversion might play into that.

I think so. For me personally, the three women that I had the longest relationships with--two were girlfriends=monogamous relationships, the third was a little harder to define- are all still friends of mine. The two that were actual girlfriends, we still have fun together, share the same beliefs, etc., and get along better now than before. There's no reason for tension or stress anymore. No jealousy, and so on. The third, we are still very close, however, not as close as before. But, friends...absolutely.

Yeah....to each their own, and all that..but, once a bell has been rung, it cannot be unrung. You and I will not share some sort of diluted-down sort of relationship, that is a crutch for the both of us, where we put off the inevitable. We will not be BFF's that have "coffee talk". I say this from the get go...and if we are close friends for years?
I never risk that for temporary "lust"...the reality is that the majority of romantic relationships do crash and burn. I will not risk something I value that has had proven success in the past..for something that's essentially a crap shoot. It has nothing to do with how it ended (good...bad, or indifferent). I prefer a clean cut.

>>>>MO

depends
 

[QUOTE=MrSunshine;1031437]Yep, as long as they are not a raging douche.[/QUOTE
Wow...you are truly exceptional....