I don't think so, Bstl.

To me...
 

No one...and I mean no one ...is too *screwed up* to be loved.

It is what we are designed for, as human beings.

I think it can be really tough, starting to work on our stuff. If one is coming from a place of always focusing on it, whether from a "damn, I've got a lot of bad shit" or a "Oh, woe is me" position, it can no doubt seem insurmountable. Perhaps not on a conscious level, but I think there also exists a fear, or at least an awareness that if all of the crap goes away, it will, of a sort, create a void. That whole evil we know thing can be hard to release. If I don't have that on which to focus, what will I have? When something, even a grossly negative something, has been a touchstone for so long the letting go of it can be terrifying, particularly when it has become seemingly inextricable from one's sense of self. Of course the hope is that eventually the way will be cleared so light can reach the good. The psychic brambles will be mulched to provide ground cover, etc. and the healthy can begin to sprout.

I have an underlying belief about this, it comes from - I think - being adopted and having abuse issues from the family I was adopted into.

I'm 43 and been in therapy since I was 24. Therapy did a lot for me. It got me to come out as gay and kinky, got me off heroin, got me back into uni. Got me to confront my parents, got me to become far more independent. It allowed me the huevos to travel on my own and move to a new continent on my own.

But it still did not erase my abandonment issues.
Then I got married to someone I loved more than anyone. I trusted and gave myself over. Getting married helped my abandonment stuff so much, I truly believed someone made a commitment to me, to us, and was going to stick around to work on things instead of fucking off.

then she left when a crisis hit the relationship.

I learned that it's not just me that's unloveable. I learned that people, in general, just cannot be trusted with commitment. People do NOT have the same values as I do around commitment and that's just that. They don't. I was willing to work through a betrayal and affair that she had. I was willing to work through her alcohol problems.
This is what a marriage is to me. I do not believe in divorce. That is why I never married.

Then the worst thing happened. She left. It was humiliating, we had only been married 10 months - isn't that just like them lezzo weddings - and shamed and beyond devastating - 4.5 years was the longest anyone has stuck around. And to me it was sudden.

I stopped eating, I shook all the time, I couldn't sleep, I got written off work, I got put on meal replacements and tranqs. I stopped being able to read, unable to watch a 30 minute tv program, cried on my bike, the bathroom, public transport, the grocery store, everywhere and unable to stop.

I did not take it well.

I still can't read more than a couple of pages and I have a bit of residual stress related ADD, and it's 20 months later.

Abandoment stuff is harder than people think. it goes very, very deep. It causes us to become caretakers. And to put up with things other people would not.

However, having this happen, I realised that I'm rampant caretaker, worse than I ever thought, to prove that I'm needed, I'm useful and I can be something to need if not loved.

I said to my friends once when we were in my room
"Oh it's easy to get someone to fall in love with you."
"WHAT? Not it isn't."
"Yes, it is."
"What on earth are you talking about?" They both gapped at me
"well... first you find out where their weak point of functioning is, then you function for them in that regard. Then you find out what their weak point of emotional fear is and you half give it to them, not all, cause you'll scare them. Enough though that they will chase you to get the rest. There you go. it works. They won't stay though. That just gets them to pay attention and think they love you for 6 months to two years and then they bugger off."

One of them then clubbed me with a pillow.

But that is what I was doing. This is how I functioned for people.

Right now I am not cooking for anyone. I am not playing nursey for anyone. I am not doing art projects for anyone. Nor am I helping them get a job or helping them sort out anything. I can be extremely controlling because I'm afraid of abandonment. I "help" and this is a way of controlling people.

My last FWB was kind enough and loved me enough to call me on my shit. She still does, bless her. And I didn't fucking like it at first, and it's not easy to hear. Last thing she told me, only a few days ago is I can be like a very sweet and enjoyable puppy whos feet are too big and winds up clawing.

She means I'm clumsy and I hurt people while trying to help them. And I probably do. She has told me over and over again to just let someone else take the lead and chill out and stop trying to steer the boat. And to stop "letting the other person think they are steering while you do it secretly" (I'm highly manipulative. And she's right, I can be).

So although I date a bit and have sex, I am not doing fuck all for anyone. it's taken me about 18 months to get to a place where... I just want to do things for me. And I don't want anyone to look after. And I don't want to risk that part of my heart to get left, so it's not up for grabs.

That's the thing, you see? If you can't risk the loss, then don't gamble. Keep your coin for now. It's hard. I went through tons of stuff where I couldn't possible imagine not being in a relationship. I HATED being single.

I wrote about how much I hated it, here:
http://femmeinadakini.blogspot.ca/20...g-ive-not.html

that entry admits a whole bunch of stuff I kept secret from everyone and although it was frightening to stick up on the net, admitting it to whomever felt like reading it was a very good thing to do.

The orig OP might be able to identify with some of it.

My abandonment issues will likely never go away. They've been there since 11 days old. But I have learned that if the very very worst happens, it won't kill me. It almost did, but it didn't. And I have learned that by keeping parts of myself back, that no one else is allowed to have in a relationship way (friendship way, yes, they can see it and show me theirs but they can't hold it or keep it).... then it's not as bad to be rejected.

I think part of the problem is that those of us who would do ANYTHING to keep a relationship going, put too much of ourselves up for taking. It makes us feel even more insecure because we think we have to. And if someone rejects those bits? it's like having the most sacred parts of yourself stabbed, mutilated and rejected. And it gets scarred.

the thing is, people who don't have those issues DON'T put absolutely everything up on a platter and they have things just for themselves. They keep some things as non-merging items to sort of have as a connection, but they don't "share" it in owner ship with a partner. It's too much responsibility for other people. And it scares the living shit out of us and makes us too vulnerable, sitting their, worrying about what someone is going to do with those bits we've given up.

So I may not be great wit my abandonment issues, but I am learning to manage them. I've been dating since I was 14. So please accept my 30 years experience and I hope you find something useful in it.

Understanding my co-dependant behaviour was very much key and tied in to it.

Babs xo

I am one messed up puppy myself I'm a lot better but am still a work in progress. When I was younger I dated people that i knew were straight or just as messed up as me. I felt if I could fix them or make them love and want me I would finally feel that I was enough. It always ended the same way it took counseling and tons of pain to figure out that it wasn't them it was me. As long as I kept the attitude that it was them and not me I couldn't get better. We all have baggage/demons its what we decide to do about it that matters. I'm not saying we can just decide not to have issues because that doesn't work but speaking for myself once I figured out the what's and whys I have been able to control some of my reactions to situations.
I took a few years and wouldn't get into a serious relationship Because I knew I would revert back to old habits And behaviors. Once I learned to love and care for myself the kinds of women and relationships I attracted was healthier.
I now see my truly screwed up past as a learning experience and though there is a lot I'm not proud of its all part of me. The changing of attitude about yourself is very helpful. Some times I Have to remind myself of these things..
I love myself first and for most.
My past is just that its my past I wont allow it to own me
My current wife IS NOT my family or ex and shouldn't be treated as if she is
I may be messed up emotionally and mentally but that doesn't mean I am a horrible person and what ever issues I still cling to can eventually b worked out
I know that even though I LOVE my wife with all of my heart I am a strong person and I don't have to have her to live my life.
Now the last one seems cold and God only knows if she left it Would break my heart. For me though I had to learn that my lovers do not make me. I don't have to be with someone to be fixed or whole. I am a wonderful person regardless of my issues.
This sounds childish but it has helped me to learn to love myself. Early on I was a wreck but I took time to get to know me. Yea at one time I was to messed up to b in a relationship but after I started enjoying my own company I found I was much more lovable.
Please don't ever think u are worthless, unable to be loved or unable to heal. You can its a lot of work but you are worthy of love. Fight for yourself dig your heals in and hold your head high. Silly as it sounds my counselor had me tell myself every morning and night in the mirror that I loved myself then through out the day I paid attention to what I was doing and if I done something well I'd stop and give myself a mental pat on the back

I used to feel like I was too screwed up to be loved. Now I know I am just conditioning myself for the love of my life. :)

I felt the same way until very recently. However I can tell you that it will come and when it does it will be amazing.

THIS.
••but I'm working on untangling the triple-knotted ribbon that's wrapped around that part of me ;), as I'm feeling the want to toe the waters ••

xoxxo Babs.

I think I am hard to love...

But I would also like to think that there is someone out there for everyone.

i thought that i was to screwed up and i lost faith and belief in love then i met desd and her love changed me healed me now i know i deserve love and i have a amazing life

I too am hard to love...after nearly 11 years, when we are out and I look up and my wife is not in sight, for a second I am filled with the certainty that she left me. Because of her love it is only a second now instead of breaking into a cold panicked sweat, but I know she can see it, and I know it hurts her.

I am a helper, and a pleaser, and I lose myself in what everyone else needs...but with therapy I am finding me and learning that the reason she stays and puts up with my shit, is because she loves me, even when I'm not all that loveable.

All of my life I pushed people away because I'm sure they will leave, but I'm finally done with that, and I'm in this for keeps.

No one is unloveable, and no one is too much of a mess....it just takes the right two people that will work through the hard stuff, and rejoice in the good.

While technically I don't think anyone is "too screwed up to be loved," I think that it's important to stay in touch with yourself.

I had a lot of baggage by my early 20s from a lot of different experiences, from childhood physical/emotional abuse, being bullied the majority of my school years, blaming myself for what happened to those close to me, having sex/gender issues that I couldn't identify until my early 20s, drug abuse, alcoholism and a whole ton of guilt and hate. It was in my early 20s when I started working out my sex/gender stuff and that's when I really started to work through all the other shit in my life. At that point I really did feel too screwed up for relationships, and every relationship I was in I ended up fucking up because I hadn't yet figured myself out. I was still working through a lot of things, I hadn't learned to see myself in a positive light, was insecure as hell, didn't like myself let alone love myself, how to be open and accepting, communicative and open to communication. After I eventually realised that I pretty much banned myself from committed/serious relationships. Sex/short-term, yes, but long-term/serious relationships? No way. I just couldn't deal with that along with snowballing dysphoria. I needed time to work through myself, understand myself, get to know my triggers, get to know what made me comfortable/uncomfortable, get to know how to communicate, how to even respect someone else truly (something I think many people really don't learn, tbh).

But now I'm in a really awesome relationship with someone I love in ways I couldn't have even imagined possible. I'm nowhere near being perfect and I still have my baggage, and recent crappy events in my life haven't exactly lessened that baggage, but the difference is now I'm more self-aware and open to others.

And the point of me saying all this is that, yeah, sometimes we might just be "too screwed up" to be in a relationship. It doesn't mean we'll never be ready, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with us. It just means that sometimes life hits you with a sack of shit and the stink takes some time to get out of your head. A relationship should be about respect and communication, and if you think that you can't respect the person you love in the way that they deserve because you still have some unresolved things to work through, then maybe it's best to hold off until you have a bit more of a handle on things. It doesn't mean your life or your mental health has to be "perfect," that you have to have gotten rid of all your demons...it just means having that understanding. Knowing when you need space, knowing how to deal with it when someone else needs space, knowing how to communicate and respect each other. I think all of us deserve that.