Figures it's going to rain today .... guess it's going to be a relaxing movie day. (We did have plans to continue my birthday...)

I confess I can't sleep - I'm too used to going to sleep knowing what my future was.

Now I'm uncertain where my future lies, so of course worrier that I am I can't sleep :|

Maybe I'll take up :cigar2: and see if that will deprive me of enough oxygen that I'll sleep :blink:

Ugh - wish I could take Nyquil, I'd sleep then lol

wondering why workers comp is messing with my pay so much...wondering if i wanna go thru the whole ordeal of getting a lawyer....wondering if just bc i share everthing i do,people i talk to,things talked about,if its too much to expect the same in return...wondering if things are ever gonna get better---or does it even matter....wondering if the colonoscopy and endoscopy is gonna be a good thing or a bad one....

My dad,
He's not doing well. He has Pneumonia, and has been in the hospital since Wednesday. Today they told us he had congestive heart failure and his heart was operating at about 65%. Saturday morning, he went into a very confused state that they say was caused by having a low sodium rate, he took his IV's out, unhooked his heart monitor and left the hospital on foot. He thought he was at a hotel, and he was going for a walk. They found him a couple blocks away. It was very scary. He is a strong willed stubborn man, and I have never seen him like this....my heart aches and I am scared.

Wishing I could come up with a rational reason to call out sick lol

alas I cannot, therefore I shall grace the buying public with my presence ;)

I am about to move to Florida.

I am leaving the life that I have known for 6 years now behind. Scared doesn't even begin to touch how I am feeling. The relationship here is so unhealthy and abusive but it is known and has somehow become my normal way of life.

My friends shake their head as they see the damage he has done to me on the inside. Never mind what is done on the outside all of that will go away in time. The inside however they worry I have become cold and hard with my heart. Yes I sound nice on screen and I am respectful and I still have that little grrl part of me that holds onto hope but I know they are right I know my heart is cold and callased over now. It will take a strong person to melt the ice away and get me to trust again.

I know leaving is the right thing to do the only thing to do. He doesn't know yet I havn't told him in fear of what will follow. I will tell him the night before and well... I know I will be fine.

I am leaving the beautiful lake house that I love, the big fancy bank account, fancy car, clothes, furniture... the hardest part is leaving Ridgid my dog that I have loved for 6 years. I can't take him with me it would be such a huge fight with the ex that well.. i just can't take him.

People don't understand its not easy to just walk out the door and leave a life that is full of anger and hate. It is tuff it is really hard and really scary.

I tell myself "you can do this you are one tough chick" Funny thing is I don't feel so tough. I want to curl up in a ball and hide from what has become my own life.

I know I will make it failure is not an option. As many times as he has told me I will never make it and that without him I will be nothing. I know I can stand on my own two feet and make my life happen. I will find work one maybe two jobs to make ends meet. I will have my own tiny place probably far from the lake or ocean, and I will struggle but... I will be free. I will be free of hate, anger, fighting, hitting, and the emotional pain that goes with all of that. I will be free to find the one I am supposed to be with. The one who will see me for who I am and love me the way I should be loved always.

I cry I sit here and cry watching Ridgid sleep knowing in just 7 days he will no longer be mine. In 7 days I will walk out the door and never return.

I am tough enough I tell myself. I can do this. I am one mean chick.

My heart is cold and callosed so it shouldn't hurt. I shouldn't be afraid of anything. I can do this.

On my mind...
 

I'm taking PDO for the next couple of days while Jack and I redo the guest room. We need to paint the whole thing and lay new carpet so that we can finish laying the hardwoods in the hallway.

I love working together like that. We have redone so much of our home together, painting and scraping and patching. Moving stuff around, crawling in the attic and under the house. Making it ours.

I look around at the rooms and see the colors we picked and the furniture we have placed and am happy that it's ours. All ours.

Now if I can just convince her to clean the garage.... ;)

I am wondering why my once sweet puppy has turned into a jealous dog (he's a 1 yr old yorkie). I have a cat and he plays with her all day but when shes cuddling with me he gets jealous and attacks her. He has started doing that with other dogs too, and he knows the dog so im not sure why all of a sudden hes this vicious little beast. Not sure what to do. I dont like aggressive animals. :/

This a better place to support.








Money's fine. It's those who use it that are the issue.