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-   Support: Abuse, Addiction, Coping (http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=10)
-   -   PTSD and Trauma recovery (http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=531)

tuffboi29 11-24-2010 10:18 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett (Post 234446)
Makes you wonder doesn't it?

My Mom's death in 2007 was devastating. To my surprise it was oddly liberating too. The doctor monitoring my weight loss asked me to be his guinea pig and started me on a combination of 5HTP/Carbidopa back in March and finally convinced me to try counseling which I started at the end of May. (The 5HTP/Carbidopa, prescibed to combat stress eating, also treated what he and my counselor diagnosed as mild depression.) My counselor and I are working through, among other things, the abuse by my Mom.

No wonder I went away to college even when I wasn't ready or was even interested in studying what my parents decided I was to study. No wonder I put an ocean (literally) between us when I was 19 and, except for a couple of short periods of time, did not live in my parents home again. No wonder I was drawn into and stayed in some abusive relationships in my younger years. I'm now 51.

It was bad but not what I call "Sybil-bad" - on the level/type/frequency seen in that Sally Field movie. Mom suffered from pretty severe post-partum depression resulting in a couple of stays in hospital when I was about 4. She had a lot of frustration and anger that resulted in explosions of temper. She could spank or discipline the 4 of us within reason and most of the time she did. But it was the other times, when she'd lose it over something not particularly serious, that she'd turn into a monster. She'd hit and hit and hit; not caring where, how or how hard she hit you. She'd hit until she couldn't hit any more and leave the room. Then she'd come back again and again - pulling me out from under the bed, desk, from in the closet or where ever I was trying to hide/get away from her. I was in high school the last time she did this to me - at that time she also used her fists and kicked me when I was balled up on the floor in the corner of the kitchen.

My brothers were also on the receiving end of Mom's temper as was my Dad - though I only know of her trying to hit him once or twice. My brothers don't talk about it much and Dad refuses to. He wasn't there for the majority of it and I don't think he wants to know about it now.

Interestingly enough when she was able to go back to college and then on to law school her tempered evened out. We got to know each other better, became very close and she actually had respect for me. I worked for her for over 10 years and there was only one incident early on when she tried to hit me. I pulled away before she made contact; stood my ground and told her that she better not try it again or I would have her arrested and her law career would be over.

Mom's gone but her "legacy" lives on and I will conquer this.


I have a bad habit of trying to sugar-coat the relationship between my mother and I.
It's only been recently that I have acknowledged that habit.
Well damn it..it sucked...it hurt as she wielded her weapons in her power play game.
It still hurts.

Not too much for chatting it up tonight. Rolling with flashbacks bad. It took me over 20 minutes to type this I'm rolling so bad.
Gonna try sleep

swagger 11-25-2010 12:46 AM
Hugs to you tuffboi, it's freaking horrendous when the horrors from the past batter you like that. I'm going to try to motivate myself to see the doctor next week about getting a few pills per month to deal with the worst nights. Argh....I'm so sorry you're so sore mate.

tuffboi29 11-25-2010 01:25 PM
Doing better in the daytime hours and have everyone kicked out of my kitchen.
There may or may not have been death threats involved. :blink:

So far, so good.

I have been into some very deep thoughts the last month and with that of course comes revelations. Like finding lost pieces to the puzzle that's been messing with you for forever.

Happy Thanks Giving all...

Miss Scarlett 11-28-2010 02:21 PM
I had the opportunity to spend the Thanksgiving holiday in the NC mountains. Yesterday I took a long drive along the Blue Ridge Parkway and spent a long time at the summit of Waterrock Knob (approx. elevation 6400 ft). I buried a few pages of memories up there, off to one side and away from view, under a thin layer of soil. My intention is for the elements to have their way with the paper and take the memories with it.

Starbuck 11-28-2010 02:47 PM
PTSD and Me
 
Symptoms of PTSD can include:
  • Hypervigilance and scanning Yes
  • Elevated startle response Yes
  • Blunted affect, psychic numbing Yes
  • Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) I didn't realize it until it was pointed out to me, but yes
  • Interruption of memory and concentration YES!!
  • Depression Yes, another diagnosis: Major Depression
  • Generalized anxiety Yes
  • Violent eruptions of rage Very Bad!
  • Substance abuse For a while, yes
  • Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety Yes
  • Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks YES! You feel like you are a robot, watching a movie of yourself from afar
  • Insomnia YES! This one has been very difficult to control, I'm on medication
  • Suicidal ideation Sadly, yes, 3 attempts on my life
  • Survivor guilt Yes

Thoughts?[/QUOTE]

I belong to a women's sexual trauma/PTSD group and I can say that I find great support and even have made friends with many women in the group. With that in mind, I think it's great that you have started this thread, apocalipstic, thank you very much!

Jet 11-28-2010 03:43 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Starbuck (Post 237068)

I belong to a women's sexual trauma/PTSD group and I can say that I find great support and even have made friends with many women in the group. With that in mind, I think it's great that you have started this thread, apocalipstic, thank you very much!
Welcome. I hope there is input here or people whom you can identify with who might add positives to your journey.

j

Starbuck 11-29-2010 04:14 AM
One breath at a time
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by atomiczombie (Post 36638)
I am starting to get worse again. New Year's Eve I was supposed to spend with my daughter, but she sent me a text asking that I not come, because she wanted to spend it alone with her boyfriend. I know its not about me. She is a teenager and just wants to spend all her time with him. First real love for her. I get it. It still hurt me a lot. Then my dad started having heart problems and went in the hospital for 5 days with an arrythmia and congestive heart failure. Now he has to have an operation to have his aortic valve replaced. I am freaked out about it.

Now it's hard to get out of the house again. I have stopped exercising. I am staying in my pajamas all day when I don't go out. When I do leave the house, I shake and stammer and stutter. I feel all jittery and want to just go home. Go home and hide from the world. I don't even want to think of transitioning anymore, its all too overwhelming and scary. This is a hard set back, because I was feeling so good before. So hopeful. Now I am just scared and overwhelmed. And very lonely.
Hi, atomiczombie, I'm not here to belittle your feelings, in fact I wish I could offer you a shoulder to cry on. But what I can do is simply remind you to remember to slowly take a deep breath in and then slowly let it out, moment by moment (if need be) if the big picture gets to looking too big. Deep breathing exercises help me when I get scared, angry, or a whole range of emotions. I hope that helped.

Starbuck 11-29-2010 04:52 AM
Hope
 
One more thought I'd like to add, there is hope and treatment available. If you are a Military Veteran, send me a private message and I can tell you what I did to find help. As far as civilians go, I'm sure some research on the internet will yield information on a local psychiatrist/psychologist/licensed clinical social worker that specialize in this matter and it can truly change your life! For those of you who suffer from nightmares, Prazosin (which is actually a blood pressure pill but has been proven to work in soldiers with PTSD) has worked wonders for me and Lunesta for sleep is (IMHO) hands down the best sleep med out there.

swagger 12-01-2010 05:15 PM
I had the worst therapy session in my life yesterday. I usually feel peaceful, that one left me in completely the wrong and weeping space. I'm seeing her again in 2 weeks. I'm fairly confident therapy will get back on to its usual steady, productive and positive track. I've had a freaking (literally) tough month. I've lost the plot all over the damn place, but somehow no horrendous conseuences. I'm going to see my gp on sat morning - I think I need my anti depressant reviewed. Maybe a I need a few sleeping pills. I don't know.

Jet 12-01-2010 06:18 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by swagger (Post 239489)
I had the worst therapy session in my life yesterday. I usually feel peaceful, that one left me in completely the wrong and weeping space. I'm seeing her again in 2 weeks. I'm fairly confident therapy will get back on to its usual steady, productive and positive track. I've had a freaking (literally) tough month. I've lost the plot all over the damn place, but somehow no horrendous conseuences. I'm going to see my gp on sat morning - I think I need my anti depressant reviewed. Maybe a I need a few sleeping pills. I don't know.
Hang in. and fight like hell. I'm enduring the worst of my PTSD and have been for about 3-4 months. There's no let up. I do everything to move through it as best I can. If I can do it, so can you.

LipstickLola 12-01-2010 08:22 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by swagger (Post 239489)
I had the worst therapy session in my life yesterday. I usually feel peaceful, that one left me in completely the wrong and weeping space. I'm seeing her again in 2 weeks. I'm fairly confident therapy will get back on to its usual steady, productive and positive track. I've had a freaking (literally) tough month. I've lost the plot all over the damn place, but somehow no horrendous conseuences. I'm going to see my gp on sat morning - I think I need my anti depressant reviewed. Maybe a I need a few sleeping pills. I don't know.
I can so relate! (((()))) After some therapy sessions, I want to curl up in a ball and hide, and I allow myself that time to cry, sob, whatever to work through the feelings and get them out. I hope your GP can help you get what you need. Hang tight!
L

swagger 12-03-2010 08:22 AM
Thank you both so much - I'm hanging in there, so are you :)

Half crazed through lack of sleep now, but seeing the doc in the morning.

I wish everyone strength and compassion.

Apocalipstic 12-07-2010 02:42 PM
This seems to be a hard time of the year for all of us.

I am hanging in, but ache all over from being so tense. After a meltdown on Thanksgiving morning, I stayed home alone and managed to get calmed down and had a nice afternoon until people who had been with their families stopped by.

My therapist says I am to tell my family and my G/Fs family that I am not doing any more holidays, It freaks me out too bad and its not worth it for my health.

I am traumatized to talk to any of them about it.

UGH

I would rather sit in a closet and bang my head on something. Silly I know.

katsarecool 12-07-2010 03:57 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by apocalipstic (Post 243080)
This seems to be a hard time of the year for all of us.

I am hanging in, but ache all over from being so tense. After a meltdown on Thanksgiving morning, I stayed home alone and managed to get calmed down and had a nice afternoon until people who had been with their families stopped by.

My therapist says I am to tell my family and my G/Fs family that I am not doing any more holidays, It freaks me out too bad and its not worth it for my health.

I am traumatized to talk to any of them about it.

UGH

I would rather sit in a closet and bang my head on something. Silly I know.
Good for you!!!!! If you can't tell them about it how about writing a letter? And perhaps visiting them one by one on a day that is not a holiday is easier?

I have to deal with this every freaking year there is a family reunion. My stgep-father was negligent of his children; verbally abusive and sexually abusive to the we girls. So why they promote and dig the family reunion so much is beyond my comprehension. But I get a tight gut every time the topic comes up "Are you going to be at the family reunion this year? and we miss you?" It has been going on for about 12 years now and so far I have not gone pleading some excuse or another. If they missed me so much why not drive the seven hours up here? The reunion is always down there in central Florida for pete's sake.

Thanks for letting me rant and rave about my crazy co-dependent family!!!

Leigh 12-07-2010 04:39 PM
I just wanted to come in and say hello to everyone, I hope your all doing well and that the holidays will be better as time goes on ........ I wish that all of us get through this time of year better than before, ready to tackle a new year with vigour and knowledge that we are worth fighting for :heartbeat:

Apocalipstic 12-07-2010 04:45 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by katsarecool (Post 243123)
Good for you!!!!! If you can't tell them about it how about writing a letter? And perhaps visiting them one by one on a day that is not a holiday is easier?

I have to deal with this every freaking year there is a family reunion. My stgep-father was negligent of his children; verbally abusive and sexually abusive to the we girls. So why they promote and dig the family reunion so much is beyond my comprehension. But I get a tight gut every time the topic comes up "Are you going to be at the family reunion this year? and we miss you?" It has been going on for about 12 years now and so far I have not gone pleading some excuse or another. If they missed me so much why not drive the seven hours up here? The reunion is always down there in central Florida for pete's sake.

Thanks for letting me rant and rave about my crazy co-dependent family!!!
my family has a reunion in the Summer and on Christmas eve. I HATE it....and I have carried it over to hate going to my G/Fs family stuff too. Its loud, there is screaming, lots fo sudden movement, controlling behavior and cameras flashing.

I like the letter idea, may work fine with my family. I wish my G/F felt OK telling her parents I am a freak, but she lies to them, so I feel like I need to take over and stop the lies and excuses all around.

I don't do family holidays. Last year I said I would go, then ctried all day and did nto go.....then was bathed in guilt for months to a really disfunctional and ridiculous degree.

I hope we can both get a better grip. Though my parents are dead, the abuse is still in my head.

Apocalipstic 12-07-2010 04:46 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matthew (Post 243157)
I just wanted to come in and say hello to everyone, I hope your all doing well and that the holidays will be better as time goes on ........ I wish that all of us get through this time of year better than before, ready to tackle a new year with vigour and knowledge that we are worth fighting for :heartbeat:
Thank you! I hope so too. Just have to get the balls up enough enough to talk to some people who WAY stress me out and tell then I just can't go through this any more.

Leigh 12-07-2010 05:52 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by apocalipstic
Thank you! I hope so too. Just have to get the balls up enough enough to talk to some people who WAY stress me out and tell then I just can't go through this any more.

I've been trying to get up the balls to come out as FTM to the rest of My family and friends other than who already knows, but I just can't seem to do it. Being on T doesn't help either because subtle changes have already begun to happen (like abit more facial hair) and yet everytime I hear "she" or "her" or "girl" I wanna scream :explode:

Starbuck 12-07-2010 07:17 PM
New Idea:
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by apocalipstic (Post 243163)
my family has a reunion in the Summer and on Christmas eve. I HATE it....and I have carried it over to hate going to my G/Fs family stuff too. Its loud, there is screaming, lots fo sudden movement, controlling behavior and cameras flashing.

I like the letter idea, may work fine with my family. I wish my G/F felt OK telling her parents I am a freak, but she lies to them, so I feel like I need to take over and stop the lies and excuses all around.

I don't do family holidays. Last year I said I would go, then ctried all day and did nto go.....then was bathed in guilt for months to a really disfunctional and ridiculous degree.

I hope we can both get a better grip. Though my parents are dead, the abuse is still in my head.
I have an idea to get away from all this fuss of the holidays of being with your g/f's family: how about the two of you take a small vacation to a bed and breakfast so that there is NO hustle or bustle to speak of, just a new tradition? If you start looking now, you might find one for a Christmas special.

Passionaria 12-07-2010 08:15 PM
Acupuncture treats PTSD!
 
DHCC Treats Wounded Warriors with Accupuncture





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