So I went to therapy and while we agree I am doing incredibly better, we discussed triggers.

I have really been working on forgiveness and moving on with my life, but I get held up when I tell myself I have forgiven something and let it go, yet my body still reacts. I hate that. I hate that I don't have more control that I can't fiiiinally decide to let something go and it just be gone. You know?

My body still has PTSD and always will. Whatever my brain decides, my body reacts differently.

So in moving forward and getting better there are always glitches that bring everything back. Things that trigger and I am right back where I started. No, not as extreme...but jumpy and hyper vigilant.

I hate that.

Im not a doc...but in learning to survive in a war zone you picked up coping skills like beinh hyper vigilant....back home, at the grocery...not so good. :) Read up on PTsd

Hi,

not ready to really open up honestly don't know if I ever will its just nice to know there are people who do understand though and thank you to those who can. At least I know I am not so alone.

ReDo

The VA has a number of programs for returning veterans from Iraq/Afghanistan. Please go to a VA and check out what is available to you. You live in SoCal and there are several VA Medical Centers down there.

Go to www.va.gov

As a vet I thank you for your service. Now go and take care of yourself. It's the most important thing you can do. PM me anytime and I will be glad to talk to you. There are several of us vets on this website and any of us are here to lend an ear anytime.

edited to add: you can also go to the Vet Center in your area for help in accessing services. Info is available at the va.gov website.

Thought I would repeat this post.

My symptoms are not as severe as they used to be.

I think all of my hair just turned white from shock.
I wouldn't have believed it...if i had not seen it for myself.
OMG:seeingstars:
OMG

I believe i am experiencing that body PTSD

I'm so sorry you're going thru this trauma. Just know that you're not alone. ...darkness lasts thru the night, but joy comes in the morning....prayers for healing on their way to you right now.

Very true. You're not alone at all.

Just focus on breathing. And don't forget to accept love from the people who want to give it to you. We always think of ourselves as wanting/being able to "give" love. It's important to remember that if you close yourself off to receiving love you'll miss out on an important facet of life and of healing.

But then...that's just my opinion.

I am so sorry you are having a hard time. It is hard to believe some of the symptoms and some of the things we can live through.

Sending healing vibes your way!

Great advice!

Breathing is the best place to start. When I am really anxious and in pain, I forget to breathe.

(f)(f)(f)(f)

Love and light to all of us facing PTSD! :candle:

I just had a PTSD meltdown all over my boss and I just lost my job and have to move with ten furbabies alone:( I'm glad the thread was resurrected..So lets look forward to better days and keep the thread rollin with... Good Healing Survival Vibes Folks!:)

Thank you so much for your kind words everybody. When i have more time i will come back and say more. Sorry i worried ya all. I'm much better than when i originally posted. Still kinda shocked a bit. But, my hair isn't totally white either. Just some added grey i suppose.Hang Tough and take care.

Glenn, sending light and healing your way! Small steady steps.

Hi there Starry! :)

DMW, glad you are OK! I totally get the hair thing, my hair fall out in clumps if I ever get sort of upset and it is coming in with lots of gray and white now.

Peace to all of us as we try to navigate life and all the things that trigger us. Sometimes it is so incredibly overwhelming.

(f):candle:(f)

Apocalistic, thank you for putting out that list of possible symptoms. I've never been diagnosed except by a general practitioner in the VA system. She suspected that I had it, but wasn't certain. Mine stems from a single event caused by a family member and my reactions to his actions.
Sometimes I think that it would have been easier on me, emotionally, had I had to deal with the aftermath of an extremely severe mortar attack on my company; one that either killed or wounded most of the company. I'd have been better prepared to deal with that, in a lot of ways, as that was part of the job, in the first place. :(

Because you understand (in a way others may not) the deep seated pain and horror that comes from attacks and losses in the course of one's work, I have the utmost respect for what you've said about a loss of trust from a source closer to home. Thank you for minimizing neither. I've heard people (elsewhere) say one is worse than the other. I think that the abusers of the world enjoy that sort of debate. It always serves to negate certain of their behaviors.

My father (also military) used to tell me that things like patriotism and honor weren't the sole possession of those in the military. I think it was his way of acknowledging that people who didn't choose service to a country as their work or as their method of expressing support for their community/culture were just as likely to feel and experience things typically attributed to military folk. I know that he felt some of my childhood experiences and the resultant PTSD rivaled some of the things he'd seen in more than 2 decades of service. His opinions were validating and that's a requirement in my life, even now. The need for external validation is one of the more debilitating (and humiliating) scars left on me. I am fortunate to know how to work inside that need in a healthy manner --- most of the time. Years later, I still experience periods of panic if I cannot find that input from the people that matter to me. I can think of a particular instance that is present, every day, in my mind right now. It's like a gaping wound that no amount of therapy can heal. Perhaps it is worse because I have had a hand in creating my current circumstances myself.

Your post made me go searching through my mementos for something my father wrote to me when I was in my mid-20s. I'd been engaged in a bout of masochistic, self-destructive behavior after my mum died and I'd been sexually assaulted and he chose to come to my rescue again. In one of his prolific letters, written a month or so after the dust settled, he said,

"Some of the things you've experienced are worse than many men I work with could comprehend. I can't understand it sometimes and I'm the person that saw you as a child, understood what was happening and put a stop to it. The first doctor we took you to was the one that explained it to your mother and I in terms we understood. He told us that shell shocked soldiers go through phases that dictate when they can and cannot tolerate input from the world. He warned us that the triggers come from obvious places or even from nothing obvious at all and that men who were effected would sometimes behave in ways their families did not recognize in order to get away from the pain. He called it "building mazes in the mind". (You have to remember that no one had given PTSD a name yet and it certainly wasn't talked about in children. Even your mother's boss didn't want to hear her reasons for needing time from work because it wasn't "polite".) I was ready for a phase when your mother died and ready too in November. I thought we handled it all pretty well, you and I. If the only further price to pay for all that was lost is a failed term at school, a lost job and a totaled car then I count us lucky. The other costs have been high enough for one small girl. You're alive and that's all I asked God for. That brings us to now. Now you've gone someplac [sic] I won't follow. You're the force behind this phase. This is not PTSD acting alone. This is you and I get to be bloody damned angry at you for abusing my child. Being hurt by others doesn't provide you license to perpetuate the damage that's been done but that's exactly what you're doing. You're abusing yourself by continuing the abuse someone else started and you need to stop it. I don't care for your opinion or how you see it, as long as you do see it. I didn't work hard to save you when you were 6 or 15 or 23 so you could take up the reins and pull against me now at 25. We've been through nearly twenty years of effort together. You and your mother and I, we did good work. You're a better person because of your hard work and I'm a better person because of you. Come home for a tick and find north again. It will take nothing from you to be by me. Choose to stop hurting yourself now. Just stop what you're doing and come home."

I felt respected by him in that moment. He held me capable when I was so willing to believe that I wasn't, so willing to believe that I was worthless and therefore deserved abuse even at my own hand. At a time when I was spiraling out of control my father made me feel like everything I "knew" about my life was real, rather than not, and that I didn't have to be a prisoner to it. I suppose it's the particular curse of survivors -- the way they often struggle to believe that something that's happened to them is real enough to matter, no matter how well it is documented, no matter how many witnesses exist. No matter the proof of internal and (more obvious) external scars, we fight tooth and nail with our own credulity. Why we should doubt ourselves is a peculiar kind of hell and aptly named at that. Doubt makes all things worse. He also reminded me that coming home would "take nothing from [me]" which was a coping "game" he taught me when I was young. To be reminded of that game as an adult was one of the best things that could have happened to me, then and now. I've already played the game in my head today and, though I'd forgotten it (again) some time ago, I'm going to try and play it every day.

I don't know why I'm writing. I've forgotten my point. Sorry.

I might have a thing or two to say about PTSD
 

Spinning, searing with anxiety when I started reading I am reminded that as long as things are improving and progress is being made, I will someday be okay. Thank you! Truly. Deeply. Thank you.

Decisions I am making and need to make are heavy and hard and sad, but I can't stop. I keep getting up and keep on going. I have these little frenzies of self improvement and move forward, then the darkness creaps in, for a while...but each time I see that there is improvement overall. Really slow progress...

On another note..

I get the struggle between different factions in the PTSD community...as it were, but agree....What happened to whom to cause PTSD should not be the focus. Understanding around the symptoms we share helps us all with healing. The symptoms are the same basically, no matter how they got there.

They are always there, just beneath the surface.