How are you feeling
 

Well here goes, I had a lunchen set with a woman I met in a chat room. She kept inviting me to have lunch and after a couple of weeks I went. OMG.. I had never had such an unenjoyable lunch in my life. This woman seemed nice in her emails and after a while I decieded to meet her. The first one yet in person . Well I can tell you it was a strain to finish lunch. She was attractive and that was the end of it. She was loud, rude, vulgar and argumentative. I was embarrased as this is where my brother and I usually lunch. Beauiful halibut lunch spoiled by this awkward woman. SO I went to the room, withdrew my membership and hoped she would not contact my email again. So far so good. This was only yesterday and I am still reeling from spending valuable time on this woman. Knowing what I have seen I would not take her to a dog fight after this and would hope she feels the same. Sorry for the run-on but my day is not happy.

How are you feeling
 

Sometimes things have to go wrong so that there can be a right.

Starting to get a little nervous. Monday morning early I have to go for an MRI on my brain.

I hope you are able to pass through the weekend without too much built up worry and that Monday goes well all around.

I'm tired after a very long work week and busy night on-call last night. However, I'm excited to go get my nephews shortly to take them to Fright Night at 6 flags. We were supposed to go tomorrow evening when it is more scary but that is getting rained out. So we get the daytime version today. It will be fun. And chaotic. My youngest nephew has autism/add/adhd so I expect it will be pretty overstimulating but we shall see. This is what they are begging to do, so, we do!

I am a little worried about my injured toe. I wore flip flops too long on vacation and my toe got a wound rubbed into it. It seems to be getting worse, not better. Out of overprecaution, I'm going to urgent care tomorrow.

Also, I'm feeling sore because I slipped and fell in the shower. A few bruises, but everything seems okay.

(Feeling): Thought filled quietness
 

I'm feeling a defeated.

My father is making some very poor decisions about his health and safety and there's nothing I can do to stop him. He plans to vacate his assisted living facility and come home. This won't end well. He will break something else and be back in the hospital and then probably a nursing home instead of the nice assisted living facility he has now that I worked my ass off to get him into just months ago. It will be a logistical nightmare and I just hope my mom doesn't have a stroke riding it out.

I was supposed to go stay with good friends downstate this weekend but things are too unsettled to feel right going. Then we got the news this afternoon that Phil Lesh died today. We all know each other from touring with Grateful Dead and it's a sad blow. The party that was slated for tomorrow has taken a different tune. My best friend is hosting and she's devastated and normally I'd jump in the car and fly out to her to help but I can't because I have to stay close to home and she's about a 3 hour drive.

The shining star is I already had tickets to take my elder nephew, daughter, and daughter's partner to see Rocky Horror Picture show tonight and it will be my nephew's first experience with it. I think he will love it.

How are you feeling?
 

Quite down. Already thinking of another Xmas alone. My brother will visit but that is not a partner. I am fed up.

MRI was good. There were a few white spots in the gray matter that they’re going to watch. Usually very early indication of memory loss/dementia forming, but the doctor said that many people who undergo extreme stress and trauma, end up with these kind of white spots. I wish I could explain this with medical terms, but I can’t remember them. Lol

So I had my follow up appointment regarding the macular hole in my left eye. They were giving it time to try to heal on its own, but unfortunately, it actually doubled In size. So I’m having macular surgery on November 25. The good news is that I’m able to return to work now until my surgery date and then I’ll be off for another two weeks while I recover.
It really sucks getting older. I am so young in my head, but my body says otherwise. Yesterday I spent all day washing and bleaching every pot and tray in my greenhouse. I planted fall bulbs. I dug up and moved some blueberry bushes. And I composted a bunch of stuff. And I thought I had taken it easy because in my younger years that would’ve been a couple hours worth of work and I would’ve probably done several more hours. But Instead, I ended up with very sore muscles and so exhausted that I couldn’t stand up in the shower! How the hell did I get here lol
But I still run circles around most people, my age. I’m really active for somebody who is 67. I’ve had some major health issues and gotten into some really bad accidents that laid me up for a while, but I still kick butt! In my head, I’m young.
Sometimes I sit and meditate and go back in time and remember when my skin was tight and my eyes were brown And my hair was curly and chocolate and auburn. I remember I never burned in the sun. I just grew darker. And I had the strongest thighs, from riding horses bareback sunup to sundown. I remember how rounded my breasts were and that without a bra, they stood up and smiled at everyone who passed them by. My lips were full, and my smile carried kisses for those I loved. My body never hurt. I could work on the farm and work full-time at a job! I would work up a good sweat, and today, I sweat whenever I work at all!!!
I love this body of mine even though it is aging. It holds so many memories. It has done so much in the world. Life was a good ride…

I feel relieved, because I voted early.

I feel pretty good. I just woke up not long ago, and I went outside for awhile. It's cool and breezy and definitely feels like autumn. Brittany loved running around in the leaves. Unfortunately, she eats them if I don't watch her, and then she spends a day being sick. But she left them alone today, at least out of her mouth. It's overcast outside, and looks like it rained a little earlier. Long past time I got out my sweats and sweaters and flannel shirts.

I'm feeling rage. My emotions have been so high this morning. I had to drive around before work because I was angry crying but then I got to work and everyone else was angry crying and in disbelief.

We set up a smashing station on the property, away from the building. We brought out old plates and computers that don't work anymore and have been going out and breaking things, smashing, shattering glass. As we started cleaning up, we thought that we could make art of this. I'm going to get some vulva molds. We will fill them with epoxy and smashed glass and call it "Grab this"

All of the staff and clients (clients are all women, recovering from being homeless, many are not citizens, most came here fleeing domestic violence and trafficking) are stunned. I just don't know what to do with this reality.

Watching this happen last night, sitting with my non-binary child and their trans partner... was terrifying. Waking up to this nightmare... just... wtf.

Feeling like I want to fly low and stay under the radar. Stay in bed with my head under the covers. Not spend any money and save as much as possible.

But that's exactly what I can't do. I know there's too much work to be done now. Helping people who need it. Fighting for trans rights and women's reproductive health. Fighting to keep the rights we have won. Propaganda protest art. Protesting. Kicking the Democratic party into fixing itself, or starting a new centrist independent party. Electing non-Republicans at the local level. Running for local office.

It's overwhelming, the amount of work there is to do now. And I'm old, or getting there - we'll have to depend on Gen-Z for a lot of this. We'll have to support them as best we can. It's their world now. But it's still my world too, and I'm responsible for doing my part.

But just for today, I'm staying in bed. And tomorrow I have to get up and do something.

Unsettled and undure
 

Well my spouse is coming home on hospice today. I’m feeling so many emotions right now. This has been a long, wild ride together and I’ve enjoyed and cherished every minute of it. I don’t know how I’m gonna cope without her. I don’t even want to think about it. I do have support which I’m so grateful for. But I’m dying inside. Getting old sucks!

Gayandgray, I am so very sorry to hear this. My heart is with you both. I'm glad you have support but this is heartbreaking. I'll keep an eye out for when you're able to check in here.