:)

One of the things that most helps me is the love of pets. They never question me, or tell me I should chill or that I am being ridiculous. They love me no matter what.

They know when I am upset. They lick my tears away.

I don't think you should focus on having a diagnosis. I think you should focus on how you feel. That's more important. Really, it is. Chances are you'll have an experience one day that will trigger your feelings and someone will say "aren't you over that yet? it happened so long ago."

Feel free to laugh in their faces. (It makes it easier not to slap them.)

And don't forget to breathe.

Trying to breathe...needing to put this somewhere. Shock and trauma and incoming information ...again...wouldn't have believed it...if i had not seen it with my own eyes. :seeingstars:
So sad. Liars. So sad. you know my chest gets so tight and it cramps up. i feel like an animal in a cage . And a betrayed animal in a cage, at that.
Why do i insist on always seeing the good in people...even, i guess, to my own
detriment. My own sacrifice. No more lamb chops for me. no more
Let the lion out of the cage man.




I agree about the pets Apocalipstic...i just lost 2 and that sucks. i wish i had em now.
ok, you can feel sorry for me on that note.

I just had the hardest conversation of my life. I don't know where to go from here. All I can see is down.

Remember the first time someone negated what happened to you? Remember what it felt like when someone you loved more than breathing told you that you were exaggerating or making something up or denied suddenly that it happened? Remember the leaving your body feeling as the experience rushed back to you?

My body feels numb. I feel like I'm going to pass out. And right now all I can think is "It's my fault. This is my fault. It's always going to be my fault." No pity. No emotion. I don't feel a single emotion. My head is just spinning. It's like someone took a chain saw to reality, chewed it into tiny little pieces, and then fed it to me like I was a little kid who refused to eat her green beans, saying the whole time, "Now you know that's not what happened. You know you're exaggerating. You know you're making that up. Why do you have to lie? I can't trust you if you lie. Shame on you. I'm so disappointed. I don't think I can ever trust you again."

Why has reality shifted? Why am I being told that it didn't happen? We've talked twice about the fact that it did. Is it because we view the circumstances differently? Is it because my wording is offensive to you? Is it because I'm less than you? Do you see nothing when you look at me? Are you finally willing to acknowledge that you think me the worthless piece of garbage I always suspected you did? I mean, why hold back? Right? It's too late to hold back now. If I'm the enemy, then you're safe. If it's all on me, you never have to think of me in positive terms again. You get to negate everything I did or said or felt. Just because you didn't like the word I used to describe my experience.

It's so...insane.

Come with me Folks to Ever Calm Cottage...it is a real place where rose bushes line the walk leading to the door...where a soft pillowy sofa is waiting ...a pretty little table with laced cloth..windows and green grass.. everywhere...looking out onto a peaceful lake... always so peaceful...

@ Girl Friday It is NOT your fault! hugs hang in there

I am finding that there are people and things that trigger me, and to be able to fuction and go to work every day and do the things I need to do to take care of me, I have to avoid many of those things and people.

I want to please everyone, I do. I want everyone to know the truth, my truth, but most people can't handle it...they just look at me aghast if I am so inapropriate as to answer in truth to their prying questions...or they don't believe me, even if they were near and knew all along.

I think when they know they did nothing to help it makes it easier for them to sleep at night if they rewrite history for themselves.

Peace is fixing my vaccume cleaner on a Saturday alone with no loud noises, yelling, pressure. I never expected this.

that smiley face on my previous post was supposed to go next to the note about the kitties. i wasn't smiling when i posted. that is for sure.

Apocolipstic...sounds like good advice... avoid the people and places and things that trigger the ptsd. thank you for that suggestion.

It sucks but not as bad as loosing my shit.

what sucks? avoiding the people,places and things...in order not to lose your shit?


or losing your shit and the animals?



cause i lost most of my shit and my shit and my kitties...so, i think it all sucks all around.


i am confused....but, i bet you mean losing your handle or grasp in the crappy situations...yeah, it is hard. i think just recognizing i am having
physical reactions to trauma and drama and need help is a start.

i mean, this i real shit here. i don't think you can fake it and i sure as hell
have a hard time ignoring it or pretending its not happening. it is as though,
i have lost the ability to be calm sometimes. i don't like that. too many stress hormones or my command center is worn out and it is...ground control to major tom...houston...we have a problem.



i love that... "ground control to major tom"... "your circuits dead. there's something wrong. can you hear me major tom? can you hear me major tom"
never thought i would feel that way when i heard the song before. even in concert.
never would have imagined it...but, i do. so, what now ground control.?what now?
can i get a circuit fix? and a fried nerves fixed? and feel 20 years younger...heheheheh

seriously,
I don't know how some of the people on here survived it for so many years.
I feel for them, because i think it takes a toll on a person.
All my respect.

hang in there...those who are struggling to breathe

*triggery*
 

Sorry, I should have been more clear. :)

By loosing my shit, I mean melting down, or yes loosing my grasp and my handle on things. I have to be able to function.

I have to be very very careful because my body reacts violently to things I think I can handle just fine...but can't and maybe never will.

Loosing things and money is hard, but its just things. Loosing kitties is heartbreaking. I think of them still with me in my mind. When I was little I had imaginary kitties that went everywhere with me, even though my parents hated cats and my father killed kittens. I left my invisible ones on a helicopter in NY and never found them again. I looked and looked. I am still somehow so sad about it.

I don't think any of us are faking, no matter when people think. No matter if they tell me I am using my past as an excuse. I try not to be angry when someone says something like that and just be glad they really don't know how PTSD is and hope they never ever know.

I think my body can't handle bursts of adrenaline any more. Fear, anger, even though I take medication, if I get upset my body reacts. Even on anniversary dates of great stresses, my body knows even if my brain has forgotten.

Things that help for me? Walks, acupuncture, reading, Oprah's life lessons on her new channel OWN, Course in Miracles, candles, prayer, music, dancing, writing, getting plenty of rest even if I can't actually sleep.


I very much relate to Major Tom and also to The Wall (Pink Floyd). Sometimes I am so close, I can't listen to them.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in love, breathe out fear.

The Thin Ice-Pink Floyd
 

If you should go skating
On the thin ice of modern life
Dragging behind you the silent reproach
Of a million tear-stained eyes
Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice
Appears under your feet.
You slip out of your depth and out of your mind
With your fear flowing out behind you
As you claw the thin ice

I'm just stopping by to say thank you to everyone for being so honest and so open about their experiences. Thank you also for reminding me that everyone has a breaking point and sometimes the breaking point can rob a person of their sanity.

When I was younger and having a moment when I was spiraling downward, my dad used to tell me to come home for a visit. He called it "finding north". At about 3:30 yesterday morning I realized that a recent and significant loss in my personal life equates to the loss of my compass. In short, I'm not sure where north is anymore. So...I'm going to go hang out with that concept and hope that things change. It can't fix what went wrong, but it will prevent further harm.

Take care everyone. Don't forget to breathe.

Hello
 

I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until two years ago. There are so many things that I've been through, some of my own doing, that sometimes it amazes me that I can crawl out of bed in the mornings.

I'm not going into great detail here, I'd rather not relive the details.

Molested at age 5, neighbor boy.
Molested at age 7, brother (I have to say here, that what happened with my brother, would probably have not even registered, if not for the previous abuse)
Molested at age 9, female cousin
Molested at age 10, elementery school janitor.


The first happened in the dark basement of an abandoned house, our old house. Daddy had built us a new one.
Home no longer felt safe for me. I became terrified of the dark.

The second happened in our new home.
No where felt safe to me, except my woods.

The third happened in my woods.
I was devastated.

The fourth took place over a two week period in the basement of my elementery school.
I had no where to go. He had his daughter call my house and ask for me, then he would get on the phone and just breathe. He was a very heavy man, bald, smelly.
I became perpetually terrified that he would kill my parents and siblings and take me away. A threat he made often.

Of all the incidents, I recall each one in vivid detail. Except, I never remembered what happened in that school basement. I remember him meeting me at the top of the stairs, touching my ass as we walked down those stairs. This happened every day for two weeks. My next clear memory, on each day, was walking up the driveway, crying. My mother, after two weeks, threatened to spank me if I didn't tell her what was wrong. I did. It stopped.


As an adult, I have been raped, by a woman. I have been whipped, beaten, kicked, bitten, burned, punched, flailed and chained.

There are triggers, that can send me into panic mode. The scent of an overweight man. The sound of his breathing. Being approached by someone from behind. Darkness. Basements. The scent of a cigarette. I never know what will trigger me, but the reaction is always the same.

A sick, twisted, vulnerable, churning of my stomach, a need to self harm, a need to rid myself of that memory, that feeling.

Tonight, in the chat room, I was triggered. Nothing happend that was bad, or wrong. Nothing was said that could possibly be thought of as sick or twisted. But just the same. I felt a need to scream, to cut my skin so that the crawling bugs sensation on it would stop. A nausea, and a NEED to scream out NO! Stop!

I hate being triggered. Something else was triggered as well.

In my last relationship, because my partner was not yet ready to "settle down", I was not permitted to openly show a sexual/or even intellectual interest in her, in or on any public forum. Once, I misposted on her myspace, and her reaction was over the top. She screamed at me, ranted at me, made me apologize to her "toy" (her word) of the day who was so hurt by my comment. Made me go delete the comment from her myspace. The relationship was IRL and she made me feel like nothing, over an online comment.

Tonight, I posted something that was meant to be private, on someone's visitor board. When I realized I did it, I started crying. I immediately tried to do "damage" control. I worried and was, quite literally, a basket case.

Until I realized what I was doing, and why. While the post was definitely not supposed to be seen by anyone but the person I posted too, it was not something that would cause an uproar.

I was allowing my past, to project my ex's abusive behavior, onto someone else. Not fair to her, or me. I am still sitting here, nauseous, but at least I recognize it for what it is. I've been "triggered."

Anyone else out there, that deals with this kind of thing? Most of my triggers have been physical... scent, darkness, sound... but this was purely psychological.

If not for my faith and belief in God, I would have long since gone off the deep end.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Lissa

:rrose: Sorry it has taken me so long to post back. I have been and am very very anxious.

I totally get the trigger thing. It can indeed happen when we least expect it. A smell, a song a word and I am undone.

I hate the nausea I feel when I am upset..the burning in my head and ears. How sound pulsates in my head. How I have stims that irritate people I am around.

I have a lot of psychological triggers. Some so bad I hit my head for them to stop. I am learning to set boundaries and just do what I can....if I post something wrong or say the wrong thing I am learning to just let it go and mostly I can...but sometimes out of the blue I just freak and I am a scared little girl again.

Like you, I think the details are not the important thing. How we get through our lives is what matters.

Today I am so anxious, triggered by someone wanting to fix me up with their friend. I don't want to go out with someone I don't know, especially with expectation of sex. HUGE trigger. My brain is on fire. I hate this. I want to be the me people see. Fun and bright and free of the past and pain and the desire to chop myself into little pieces.

Peace to you Lissa! :rrose::rrose::rrose::rrose:

One more thing.

My therapist told me that predators can tell if a person has a past of abuse and they are drawn to us.

Stay safe. :rrose:

“When you're born a light is switched on, a light which shines up through your life. As you get older the light still reaches you, sparkling as it comes up through your memories. And if you're lucky as you travel forward through time, you'll bring the whole of yourself along with you, gathering your skirts and leaving nothing behind, nothing to obscure the light. But if a Bad Thing happens part of you is seared into place, and trapped for ever at that time. The rest of you moves onward, dealing with all the todays and tomorrows, but something, some part of you, is left behind. That part blocks the light, colours the rest of your life, but worse than that, it's alive. Trapped for ever at that moment, and alone in the dark, that part of you is still alive.”
― Michael Marshall Smith, Only Forward

This is so true, and every single time you think about it, it hurts as much as if it happened just yesterday.