Remember that there will be fireworks and lots of loud sudden noises the next few days.

I have to remind myself its fireworks, not guns.

The air show is happening here and i live right near the lake. One jet flew so low over my house while I got my mail that the ground shook, the sound was nerve shattering, and I could see everything under it. I had an immediate bowel movement right in my driveway, and am still emoting. It reminded me of that hot night my family and i sat on our porch, when suddenly we were looking under a nose diving plane that crashed only a couple of blocks away just missing the house.

I hope today is better Glenn!

The fireworks always sound like bombs and guns to me. It's been 36 years since I have been a round bombs and machine guns firing, but unless I am mentally prepared it takes me right back.

hey y'all. i keep admiring this thread from afar, trying to decide what to post. so, hi, i'm here :)

i feel lucky because i only had to deal with a small amount of fireworks noise last night. i'm not sure why...this is the first place i've ever lived where it wasn't wild and crazy. i hope everyone's doing okay today. *hugs*

Thank you Aishah!

I actually went to see fireworks with friends. We sat farther away than most people and I made sure I was calm and centered before we went. I made myself very aware of the fact it was fireworks.

It it had been sudden and I had not been prepared I would have freaked.

I am trying to get out a bit more and participate in life. Preparation really seems to make a difference for me.

PTSD, the gift that keeps in giving.

I'm looking at it as a gift because it is forcing me to take better care of the me inside, to make sure she feels safe.

We never know when it is going to kick in, blindside, trigger.

In the most unexpected moment, we can freeze, "over-react", jump, withdraw.

Sometimes we have no idea what even happened or why.

Have any of you heard about this project at UNC Charlotte?

Posttraumatic Growth Research Group

http://ptgi.uncc.edu/

Thanks for this thread.

I also have chronic PTSD, going on a bit over 20 years now. I have found some ways to cope, however it still effects me daily.

I am not comfortable posting about it right now, but I am thankful to see I am not alone in this.

Interesting article in the New York Times. Animal experiments with this gene seem to indicate that those who have it are less likely to become addicted to drugs, and that they recover more quickly and easily from psychological/emotional trauma.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/08/op...good-gene.html

"CHANCES are that everyone on this planet has experienced anxiety, that distinct sense of unease and foreboding.

Most of us probably assume that anxiety always has a psychological trigger.

Yet clinicians have long known that there are plenty of people who experience anxiety in the absence of any danger or stress and haven’t a clue why they feel distressed. Despite years of psychotherapy, many experience little or no relief. It’s as if they suffer from a mental state that has no psychological origin or meaning, a notion that would seem heretical to many therapists, particularly psychoanalysts...."

Symptoms of PTSD can include:

• Hypervigilance and scanning Yes
• Elevated startle response No
• Blunted affect, psychic numbing Yes
• Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) Yes,but less so these days
• Interruption of memory and concentration Yes
• Depression Yes,taking meds for it
• Generalized anxietyYes,just less these days
• Violent eruptions of rage No,not these days
• Substance abuse No
• Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety Yes
• Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks Yes
• Insomnia Yes
• Suicidal ideation Yes
• Survivor guilt Yes

Thoughts?

Now what?

I have a lot of that going on with me, most of it actually. I have PTSD, anxiety, can't handle stress,severe depression, and night terror dreams. I take meds for anxiety and depression, and my doctor wants me to try a drug that's been found useful for my night terror dreams. But my primary care physician says nope, I can't take it because of my high blood pressure medication. She wants me to find something else that can help me. Short of just living with broken sleep all the time from the night terror dreams, there is no other treatment for them. I take meds to help me fall asleep, because without it, I can't shut my brain off to do that.
I typically get maybe 4 to 5 hours of broken sleep a night. When the night terrors start , i wake up constantly and it's one dream after another when I fall back to sleep after a while of being up.

I sleep,just not regular hours.I have learned to recognize the signs in me and that is when I need to be left alone and think it through.This is not going to make much sense to some,but when i'm good,i'm really good..and when i'm bad,i'm really bad.I've lived with it most of my life...doctors couldn't help,most meds did not work.I don't like stress,but if it gets too much,i'll jump in my van and drive...and how far i drive depends on how much stress is in my life.Flashbacks can be troublesome,there are some memories i don't wish to relive...i have a good productive life and i'm mostly a positive person.I know how to deal with my illness...and that is being alone.I do know that is not for everyone,being alone i mean,so i encourage others to seek help if it gets to be too much.

I should not have ended my post with now what?.

Stress is a huge trigger for me. Stress, feeling out of control, and lack of sleep are often the perfect storm for PTSD triggers. It's less so about the flashbacks and more so about the emotional vomit that'll come up at the shittiest times. Today my anxiety has bee horrid. My emotional support dog got into the trash and ate a bunch of pads (gross!) and although she's still pooping, I'm terrified that she has a stomach blockage and will have to go in for surgery and will die (she's an old pup - 15 years old). I'm angry at myself for forgetting that I left the bathroom door open during our week long vacation and forgot to close it before my spouse and I went out. ...I'm terrified I've killed my baby. ....it's not a good feeling.

I just found your thread tonight, my Sister Femme Friend, and I'm going to spend some time reading it. I was recently diagnosed with a severe case of PTSD, which is scary to me because I've never had PTSD in my life, up until recently. Last fall, I began to have serious anxiety attacks. Sometimes I would be so filled with rage that it would literally leave me blind, staring into a field of stars in my vision and then turn to an expansive field of white nothingness... leaving me numb, paralyzed with fear, choking the air from my lungs. I am hypervigilant, more so now than ever. I worry for my own personal safety more than most people might. I am reduced to tears easily; but at the same time, I also have an uncanny ability to control myself by not taking the bait? If that makes sense at all. I don't sleep well. My rest cycles are impeded by panic attacks that seize me out of nowhere, but usually precipitated by an event of massive emotional upheaval, whereby my feelings and emotions might not come out but more delayed or even stranger to me, I feel affected by bluntness, an numb-like affect. My memory is not as sharp as it once was. I feel like my memory is disrupted, displaced, like it won't come back to me like it used to be; but it's not an overall memory issue. It's like it only affects particular parts of my ability to remember or short term memory disorder? I don't know, but I do see a therapist weekly now, and have been going since last fall.

I have had a rough time of it, the past few weeks, due to stressors I have no control over, right now. I'm moving, after not having moved for nearly 11 years, so I imagine the high anxiety I feel about moving amplifies my PTSD. But I also have other things going down in my life right now that is not so nice and it also amplifies and triggers my case of PTSD.

I am massively affected by survivor's guilt, too. I most likely have some form of depression too, but my therapist hasn't really said if I do or not. But I'm guessing I do.

But seeing my therapist is the best decision I ever made for myself and I'm sticking with therapy until I can better mitigate on my own behalf. I needed help, and I'm glad I reached out for it.

Thanks so much for your forum thread on PTSD, Apocalipstic. :rrose:

tomorrow will be my 5th therapy session and we still have not gotten through the whole list of my traumas. I have had PTSD since the 8th grade (homophobic bullying) and since then there has been maternal bullying, mean girl bullying, paternal covert incest, 4 batterers, 2 rapists, 1 road rage assault, two gunpoint robberies, and 1 narcissist fiancee who took me for 15k.

I sought therapy this year due to reemergence of dissociative symptoms following multiple incidents of workplace bullying by a board member and one incident of closed-door illegal electoral coercion by the mayor.

We have not gotten to 3 of the batterers or the covert incest.

I have severe cPTSD and relate to pretty much all the symptoms listed. I have a laundry list of traumas in my life that I'm not comfortable listing here, but my therapist and I are just beginning to scratch the surface. I'm starting to talk about my memories specifically which I have never done before.

My therapist does EMDR, which is supposed to be really good for reintegration of traumatic memories. I've done it once with something smaller than a major trauma to test it out and I found it very helpful. I am hopeful for the first time in my life that I will be able to deal with my traumas.

I've really been struggling lately with sleep and nightmares, dissociation, anxiety attacks, and some major depression due to some family triggers. I'm trying to be gentle with myself.

Solidarity to everyone struggling with PTSD.

I was Diagnosed with PTSD in Aug 2013 by a welfare worker,after a suicide attempt,a week before coming to the USA to see my GF in LA.
on my return I went to the PTSD clinic here,a specialist unit,I ticked all boxes,I felt I had lost my mind,sadaly my r'ship ended,as travel in that condition was crazy,but I had no idea,I was diagnosed with depression,bipolar or whatever for years and seeing shrinks from 2 years old.
In 2014 I started seeing a specilast in PTSD in Sydney,1 of only 3 in Syd reccomended by Westmead PTSD clinic

Sad as it is,I finally found out, what I had,turns out I have C PTSD from early childhood trauma,my mother a malignant narcissist.
But I finally had an answer on why most my life I had had some crazy behavour,drugs,drinking,fighting only ever with men,was like I couldnt feel pain,anything to escape.

Through my therapist,I learnt CBT,"Cognitive Behavoural Therapy"I also learnt that they really dont know much about CPTSD,they understand PTSD more,CPTSD is still in early discovery.

I learnt the Trauma was in the brain stem the old part of the brain,the Flight or fight and that I needed to learn, to activate the frontal lobes of my brain,through doing things I enjoy,my main thing is music and my dog Scout.

I also moved to a warmer climate and I love gardening and exercise helps as well.

BUT my BIG one,NO FAMILY they trigger me and I now see them all, as an accident of DNA.

If your CPTSD is from a narcissist in the family, usually there is not just one in a family,but several,I'm Irish catholic so theres lots of us,but ive always been an outsider,theres only one way to deal with narcs,"no contact"

Of course its horrible to have this and know it was done to me,"early childhood symptoms are bedwetting and speech impedement,I had both as a child.

But knowledge is power,I dont have r'ships no more,coz I seem to numb out and I get scared and run,I hurt people,I hurt me too,I did love my ex.
So its better to be a bit of a hermit,and be careful who I let in

Sad thing is,I say I trust people,truth is I only trust myself,its all I have ever had,is me.

thanks for this thread,its like a coming out of the closet,no not a closet a cell.

This is an interesting discussion for me. I've had many PTSD symptoms from my earliest memories, but I never self identified as having this disorder. I used to have very obvious symptoms, but I became aware in my early 20s that I was freaking other people out with my 'thousand mile stare', for instance. And my obvious hyper vigilance, among other things. I worked super hard to control all the symptoms that another person might notice because I somehow thought that was the best way for me to move forward and function well.

I left my family early and broke off most contact, devised a plan to make my life work, and I stuck to it. I chose the seemingly most well socialized people I knew and I carefully watched what they did, and how they reacted in all life situations. Then I tried my best to mimic them. It was easy enough to train myself out of some of what I called my 'bad habits', but some behaviors were very well entrenched. Why wouldn't they be? They had saved my life at a time when I was endangered, so it felt/feels alarming to part with them. Like others here, my mother was a narcissist and my family was profoundly disfunctional. I survived several different forms of abuse. When I exploded out into the world as a teenager I had NO IDEA how to act right. Knowing that about myself was precious.

I didn't have many people in my childhood from whom I could model behaviour, so I worked like a dog to learn how to act right as a young adult. It's a LOT harder to get it right as an adult! It's like trying to learn another language. It comes naturally to us as kids, but it's rare to become fluent when you learn late. To this day I continue to look to others to model back to me whether or not I'm running off the rails. I really thought that was how to get 'er done. Even though it's supposed to be an autonomous response, I learned how to short circuit the 'thousand mile stare'. I learned how to talk myself down from anxiety spirals. I now understand that an exclusive behaviour modification approach was/is good for some things, but not so much for others.

Since I'm often making quick and accurate assessments of others in order to determine their suitability/safety for modeling behaviors, I find myself knowing things about them that they've never told me. Sometimes it's way too easy to read them. My closest friend has often found it stunning that I might know so much about people who haven't disclosed their history to me. One day that same very close friend said something to me about "Your PTSD symptoms..." Even though we were speaking on the phone at the time, I actually looked over both shoulders to see who she was talking about! And then it dawned on me that SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME!! She said it so matter-of-factly, like saying 'your calico cat'. Wow. It had never occurred to me to put myself in that category. Of course I had PTSD! How had it never crossed my mind? I can laugh at myself now, but it was an... interesting moment at the time.

I had sought therapy a few times over the years, but never found an effective one. As it happens, I was seeing a therapist when I had that revelatory conversation with my friend about PTSD. I told her about it and the therapist said that, yes, of course I had PTSD. Why had she never mentioned it? Because it was so freaking obvious that she thought it didn't need mentioning!!!

Well, now that that's all settled, I can see my own life in a clearer, more forgiving way. I'm grateful for the passage of time which really does blunt trauma. I still react strangely at times. I still get those symptoms, but everything is easier now that I'm so much further away from the experiences that traumatized me. This is going to stay with me until the end, I think. My life will never be easy the way it is for people without childhood traumas, but I'm in charge of myself and my reactions. I'm so much happier now.

back to CherylNY
 

I really appreciate you posting this about your experiences. Glad you are able to have such a realistic view and able to describe the trama and growth so well.

Today I am able to say, "that was then, this is now" and it helps me a great deal to not get stuck.

Sometimes it is difficult for me to figure out things. I heard the "ding, ding, ding" bell several times as I read your post. Very helpful.

I have not awakened from a night terror in a great long while. I am grateful. :)

Best wishes -

Sincerely,
RockOn

I am going to add myself to the list here and hope that we can have some ongoing conversations. I am desperate for connections and support in this area at the moment.

As many of you know, I have a child with autism who has been the focus of much of my time and energy for many years. She came home last month from 17 months of inpatient psychiatric care. I didn't realize how much the last year before she left had effected me until she came back full time. Now I cant sleep. I panic over everything. I hate to be in spaces that I can not lock. Even the slightest suggestion of an argument has me retreating from an area, and ultimately from a person. It's impacted my relationship, my family life, my work and schooling. I feel like I have lost myself and I spend time every day trying not to break into tears for no apparent reason.

Sadly, the availability of resources where I am at is so limited. I tried counseling while my kiddo was gone, but it wasnt a good fit. There are only a handful of mental health services here that will be covered by my insurace, and because of the work I do, there is someone I know in every office and it makes me feel so uncomfortable going there. I am coming to terms a lot with taking space for my own feelings. I can't take care of others when I am not taking care of myself. This has had me reaching out to find more resources and I have an intake next week at the local domestic violence center.

How do we find resources for support in a rural area? Do any of you know of any online support groups that are good?