Forgivness is something we have to come to terms with in our inner self. It is always dependent on your personal circumstances as for some people the reasons are different or more or less painful. I do not think its a negative to not want to embrace something that you haven't made your peace with yet, or may never make your peace with because the hurt is too great. I am a great believer in moving forward in life from the things that cause you harm or pain. But, that said, I struggle with forgiveness because I have a tendency to feel vindictive if I have been hurt badly or feel wronged by someone. That vindictiveness, I know is wrong and a huge part of my struggle in life has been to eliminate that from my personality. As a result, forgiveness comes slowly to me, but that does not mean it won't eventually come. There are some people I have wiped out of my life forever because the hurt was too great and the situation was not repairable. There are many things I have said to people that I wish I could have taken back. I think there are times when we have to go to those extremes in order to be able to move forward. But even though I've done those things, I was still always sad about the loss, the finality of making that decision and the knowledge that even if you forgive, your relationship with that person will never truly be the same because now its tainted in some way. As human beings, we do a lot of things to each other that are abusive, passive agressive, and ultimately unforgivable. I feel as an individual, you must move forward and put yourself in a place where you can heal and if for you that means either forgiving or not forgiving, then you must choose what you think will best serve that end.

I ran across this today - thought I'd share:

"There are three aspects to the Buddhist idea of patience: patience-persistence, patience-under-insult and acceptance-of-truth.

The fourth is forgiveness...which in the Buddhist context is based more on Karma - the causal chain that's put into effect by your behavior. With karma, there is no external force or person or being that can intervene with your karma. There's nobody else responsible for your karma but you. So the idea of forgiveness of someone else is not as important as it is for you to do your own work.

What forgiveness is really tied to in this context is releasing our anger we have toward others.

When I forgive you, I am no longer going to hold anger toward you. I can't free you from your karma, you're still going to have to work this out for yourself in some way, but you know now I'm a safe person for you. I'm no longer going to hold my anger against you and make things difficult.

One of the reason's it's so powerful to release our anger toward other people is that a healthy way to change the course of our own karma is to not hold onto anger."

Gil Fronsdal, Audio Dharma podcast

If someone genuinely asks for my forgiveness then there is a very high chance I will forgive. Things may not be the same between us- for example if someone cheated on me- but I can acknowledge their genuineness and sincerity. People do make mistakes all the time. I know I do. When this happens I do my best to apologize and learn from my mistakes.

In the case of someone treating me in an abusive, very hurtful, manipulative or some other unhealthy manner, those people don't tend to be asking for forgiveness so I am not sure why I would need to expend energy trying to forgive them. For some it is a way of healing and moving forward. For me if I feel I have been wronged or am in an unhealthy situation, I need to figure out how to move forward and not let toxic people influence my life as much as possible. Forgiving someone doesn't really have much to do with it. I can't control how unhealthy people are going to treat me. I need to figure out how to heal and feel good about myself again. I need to learn from my mistakes and use better judgement of who I will let into my life.

This way of thinking about my own work and forgiveness has always won out internally. I have to take responsibility for working through anger and hurt. Until then, I can't possibly meaningfully attempt to process with someone else.

Sometimes I wish I could do this more efficiently when I know that want to work through something with someone else that although we have had a rift, I want to make amends.

I have had far too many people I cared about die (family & friends) to not realize that my moving through my faulty reasoning slowly has caused me to miss the opportunity to experience the gift forgiveness can be.

Forgiveness
 

You must forgive yourself first then you can forgive another. I believe there would be fewer breakups if people could forgive each other.

Well said. I feel forgiveness is for ourselves, not so much someone else unless they are asking for it. Even then, we have to forgive ourselves the pain & emotion that brought us to that place to begin with.
I absolutely agree with the break up statement. Forgiveness us such a raw emotion; you're baring your soul. If you can do that together, you still have the ability to move forward together.
My .02

For me forgiveness is essential, a cornerstone. When I forgive I've opened the space for faith and trust (faith to me is trust mixed with hope).

Faith that I can handle where I am at. And faith comes from trust. Trust in myself and trust that another person can be who they are. I don't need to trust someone to "get" me. I trust and "get" myself.

Forgiveness is wishing the same faith and trust for them as I have found/opened up to for myself.

Okay, so this may sound a little weird....but I don't believe in forgiveness. Not out of a "hanging onto anger" place, but just that I don't feel it's up to me. For me, saying "I forgive you" also implies, in a small way, that I have judged you and found you wanting.

When I have been hurt, I do my best to understand....understand what happened, understand my part in it, understand the other's part in it....and hopefully learn some lessons.

Then, I stick it all in a mental/emotional box, tie a ribbon around it, and stick it in a deep, dark closet in my head. It's still there....and I can revisit it if I must, or if I choose to.

Having said that....I grew up around angry, narcissistic, bullying people....and I never....ever....forget.

I don't forget either.
Forgiveness includes letting go of responsibility to fix it for others and myself. I made a mistake, acted badly, hurt someone. I repair and acknowledge what I can and can't fix.

If something happened or was said that was really really hurtful that would need forgiveness but I can't ever forget, not even over time, no matter how much I try, then for me there is no forgiveness either.

I no longer feel that forgetting and forgiveness need to go hand in hand. If I don't forget it means I learned from the situation or what was said.

Forgiveness comes when I can feel I've learned and the "hold" on me lessons. It (the event, what was said, etc.) becomes a memory, a moment in time, a touchstone a reminder of the lesson. Forgiveness is faith, trust that I've learned, let go of ill for myself or others, and moved on.

If I can't forgive I can't move on. And I really want to continue my journey.

It took a long time...
 

But, I have learned not to carry around negative stuff from others and what they've done to me. It weighs too heavy on me. I am pretty hard on myself, so I don't need extra stuff.

I do get mad, hurt, angry, etc...I will yell, hurt, cry, whatever...when I get that out, I am ready to work on it...forgive it and then release it. I don't need it to hinder me.

And if I expect forgiveness for stuff I've done directly or indirectly to others, I need to forgive, as well. No, it's not easy. It's a process obviously, but it does happen. And I'm grateful--because I understand that I shouldn't ask for something that I wouldn't do for others.

Fair is fair.

That's just me.

forgiveness