A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, Are all of those kids yours? He replied, No. I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints.

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were discussing how they should celebrate their big evening when the wife decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as their wedding night, eating at the dinner table naked and his wife agreed.

Later that night at the table the wife said, Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.

The husband replied, That’s because they’re sitting in your soup.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

One day in the cafeteria line Joe says to Mike " My elbow hurts like crazy . Guess I better go see a doctor "

" Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money " Mike says.

"There 's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell whats wrong and what to do about it . It takes 10 seconds and costs $10 and is a lot cheaper "

So Joe goes to Costco puts in $10 and his urine sample . Ten seconds later it ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water avoid heavy activity..It will improve in two weeks . thank you for shopping at Costco.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe thought he could fool the computer .

He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,urine sample from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe goes back to Costco , puts in the $10 , pours in his concoction and waits for the results .

The computer prints the following:

1.Your tapwater is too hard . Get a water softener (aisle9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Asile 7)
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit . Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant .Twins .Not yours..Get a lawyer .
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself ,your elbow will never get any better .


Thank you for shopping at Costco .

My girlfriends got a stalker, well she does'nt know she's my girlfriend yet.

I sent this joke to my wonderfully funny Husbutch, Hys reply:

i guess that would be ok cuz the napkin wouldnt be the only thing laying limp on his lap

Got to love a good laugh!

Not making fun of dyslexia here!
 

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

Special
 

Question to a friend.
If a girl texts you a lot, and jokes around with you and teases you, does it mean she likes you?
There's a girl I like, and she texts me once every day, or once every other day. She's always joking around, and when we hang out, she flirts a LOT. But she acts like that around everyone, not just me. Do you think there's a chance she likes me?
Answer
Maybe Dude!
Question
And she never sends mass texts to me, because my phone tells me when people do, so I feel kinda special ;). She just sent me her picture. :tease:WoW.

Answer
Hey Dude , I just got this picture :tease:....uh oh

Rapunzel
 

Sometimes I just make myself laugh at my own jokes.I just made this one up.
The fairest femme in all the land was Rapunzel or so it goes..She was sought after by many chivilrous butches via telephone and email, but her homophobe family always kept her locked in their castle, and the neighbors only saw her pretty face from afar. Finially,One day, a courageous butch made it to Rapunzel's place and yelled, "Rapunzel Hey Yo! Look at me, I'm just your type!" Then, THUD! Suddenly, in a flash, our hero was squashed and could'nt breathe or move! Then Rapunzel screamed, "OH SHYT! I was so excited, I lost my balance, and and my tits went down instead of my hair ! Somehow, our prince survived the tit-fall, she let down her drawbridge, and they live happily ever after.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

I went to buy some camouflage cargo shorts the other day but I couldn't find any

FAA at your service
 

Ohhh!....This is such a good one that I am going to have to pass it on....Rofl...:)

Stepping Stones
 

There are 3 guys in a boat. One guy says "Hey, I bet I can get out and walk across the water".
The two other guys are like "yeah right!" So the guy gets out and walks across the water to land.
The second guy turns and says to the third "Well I bet I can do that too!"
The third guy goes "Yeah right. Ain't no way in hell."
So the second guy gets up and walks across the water to land.
Now the third guy is baffled. He yells "Hey, how did y'all do that?"
"Just get out and walk!" say the the two on land.
So the guy gets up, steps overboard, and sinks right to the bottom.
The two guys on land look at each other and one says "Hey, think we should have told him where the stepping stones were?"

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.

Oh My, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Is it common?

It's not unusual