Is a balanced diet a cake in each hand?

Saw a shirt last night at Newbury Comics that said:

I like you.
You die last.


I Need That Shirt.

someone posted this as a fb status... made me lol for real:


Repost This If Someone Is Alive Today Because You Can't Afford A Hitman!

laughing man at comedy barn
 

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh-zkIJ5cJk&feature=fvst"]YouTube - Laughing Old Man at Comedy Barn.mp4 - YouTube[/nomedia]


i laughed til i cried

I would just like to share an experience with you all, and it has to do with drinking and driving.
As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd party over the years.
Well, I for one have done something about it: Last night I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had way too many glasses of the good old white wine.
Knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before!!

Watching VH1 and the classic SNL skit with Janet Jackson about cork soakers. Made me crack up!

"inside me, There's a thin women trying to get out........But i can usually shut the cow up with chocolate."

hey, dapperbutch
 

Well-known and oft-told Mainer Joke:


You goin' to Bangor tonight?

Bangor? I hardly know 'er!

You're a dork.

A funny dork.

From time to time, I pop into this thread to get a laugh or two. I think it is a fun thread- except there are some jokes about size and weight that I find offensive. And the site covers sizism as against its TOS.

Sometimes we don't recognize that "fat" jokes can hurt people deeply. One of the things I was amazed with while I went through a period of my life in which I was obese was that people will just make comments about weight without any thought at all.

The other thing that bothers me about this is that many people that deal with weight issues have some very serious and life threatening eating disorders and I feel that fat jokes are just another way to divert attention away from serious thought about something that can be seriously impacting someone's life.

This was hard for me to post in some ways as having some threads that are for joking around is a good thing and I honestly doubt that anyone that has posted a joke involving weight is really meaning to be cruel in any way. I just think this is something to have sensitivity to.

Buuuuh dump bum
 

A photon goes on vacation, when she gets to the hotel the clerk says, "Ma'am, may I help you with your bags" she says "No, thanks, I'm traveling light".

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers . . . .
..so I did . . . . she's 21 and her name's Angela.


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the
60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking - And then I saw her face . . . .


Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. The locals were
shouting paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend
is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary!


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
couple of Swan Vesta matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to
walk.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net...27627978_n.jpg

:praying:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net...13428957_n.jpg

:blink:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net...58341487_n.jpg

:bolt:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net...62612610_n.jpg

:superfunny:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net...59529950_n.jpg

:wtf:

DO you fart in bed? IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN! :fart: LMAO

Clay isn't that a hoot? I saw it on the internet and just had to post it. I was ROTFL myself till I cried... glad I could make you laugh !

A nude woman staring in the bedroom mirror says to her husband, "I feel absolutely horrible. I feel so fat and ugly! Please pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight is damn near perfect." :^)

this...
 

A young man decided to join the Army…
Three days later he was back home and his mother asked “Why did you decide not to stay in?”
He looked at his mother and says….
The First day I was given a comb and then they went and shaved all of my hair off…
The Second day I was given a toothbrush and they pulled eight of my teeth…
The third day they gave me a jock strap… I was not waiting... Over the wall I went!!!

A woman, just turned 40, admired herself in the bedroom mirror, saying, "I think I look better now than I did at 30."

And her husband, standing behind her, said, "REALLY??"



(Repeat from my blog--sorry. Janny's joke reminded me. This one is a "true story.")

Where's Clay? I have another sick joke for you ..

THE DEAD COW LECTURE

First-year students at the Auburn Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

OMG!!! I think I scared the folks around me at work I laughed so loud :D

Well I was in medical also so I know all too well ... lmao.. I worked geriatrics and I got some storys ... lol

Marriage is a horserace ... listen carefully.


http://youtu.be/YRJF7QULUbE

As an Alabama fan, I have to love, love, love this one!!!

:sparklyheart:

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID
..... WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT ..... I'M GETTING A
FAX!!

I just posted a funny story on my BLOG! Not that I'm trying to drum up readers or anything.... See below for link. :o

From the mouth of Betty White ..... she's a hoot!

Why do people say 'grow some balls' ? Balls are weak & sensitive ! If you really want to get tough, grow a 'vagina' . Those things take a pounding ! :|

- Betty White - This is for Clay

There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought his was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never
have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, her husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman. The husband looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend. :|

This is a must see. But make sure you go to the bathroom first I wouldn't want you to pee your pantz. Warning: do NOT have food or drink in your mouth while watching.






http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/...lent-amy-g.htm

:|