Happy Birthday Alix! I wish you every happiness you've ever dreamed of this year as you set forth on your quest to discover your true self. Congrats on your decision and you're right, it has to be all about you and what's right for you.
Maverick

Each of us has to find a balance in our life, that works for us. That can change, over time, I have found. To that end, we each make choices, which hopefully, make our lives better. For me, it was transition, even though I may never be able to afford any surgeries. That was my choice, and it has made my life better, even with all the difficulties that transition brings.

I will not say, however, that that is the right choice for everyone. We each have to decide that on our own. Whatever choices that we make, though, we will never fully be 'whole' and entirely comfortable with our bodies. This is part of who we are. Why we are this way, I do not know. I simply play the hand that I was dealt, the best way that I can. That is what all of us do. Hang in there!

I just got home from more medical appointments. Recently I ran into an unexpected medical problem. In consultation with my doctors I decided I will no longer be taking Testosterone. This is most likely for the rest of my life. I can live with that. I am now legally a male and in my heart of hearts I know for me, I am not the same as a cisgender man.

For the past 5 or 6 years I have contemplated and researched vast amounts of information on Gender Reassignment, Gender Expression, Feminism, Misogyny, Internalized Misogyny, Internalized Homophobia, Internalize Fatphoia, Internalized Racism, Spirituality and what does that look like for me and in humanity.

What I have learned is that I am not all that different from any other human being. I am no longer living in constant fear, separation from "others" and self absorbed living, thinking I am there for others.

Why am I writing this in the Trans Zone? Well because I am Trans and am learning to come to peace with who I really am, a third gender. So many times during all of this medical stuff, I am being referred to as "she." Why does it rattle me so? Before going through gender reassignment I was called sir with regularity. i was also born a cisgender female. My gender expression has always been considered masculine. But here is the caveat to "mascilinity".... Masculinity does not only express in cisgender men, masculine identified cisgender females, Butches and Transmen.

After I had a two hour discussion today with an RN preparing me for surgery next week, she asked me if there is anything she can do to help make this upcoming surgery and hospitalization less stressful. I replied, "Yes."

I then proceeded to ask about the hospital's Diversity Training and if the training included education on LGBTQ concerns. She said she has been at this hospital for 18 years and has never had any diversity training that included LGBTQ concerns. (Keep in mind this is a hospital and Trauma Center in the SF Bay Area.) The nurse was very receptive to our discussion and promised me she is going to bring this to the attention of her superiors. I know there are consultants in our community that offer sensitivity training regarding our LGBTQ concerns.

I have kind of been all over the map in this post. Thank you for listening.

Hey, Greyson. I just wanted to say that I hear you, all that you said.

I appreciate you opening up and sharing with us. It takes just as much courage to take hormones, as it takes to not take hormones. It takes courage to live the "flavor" of whatever our gender identity is.

I agree, you are not fully the same as a cis-gender male. Nor am I the same as a cis-gender female. We don't have the same experiences as cis-gendered people. You have more of the experiences as a cis-female, and I have more the experiences as a cis-male, but we never fully experience everything the way that cis-people do.

As one person that I knew put it: Cis-females are on one side of the mountain, Cis-males another, and transfolk are on the top of the mountain. We can see and experience some of the things that both groups do, but never as fully and deeply as the people on either side of the mountain. On the other hand, we get to view and experience things that each group does not normally get to.

Wow, what a fantastic, powerful statement. Perfect.

Bump
 

I'm bumping this thread because it is so good for those of us who are questioning, uncertain, can't or won't transition to find support.

:loveBFP:

Personally, I continue to wrestle with the hugeness of changing my outer gender to reflect my inner gender and take my stand for who I truly am in the world. The thought of losing so much that I love in order to be true to myself is overwhelming. Yet, for me it is coming down to a bigger issue of claiming myself and standing up for my true self in this world that has for so long told ME who I am.

I had a dream this morning that I woke up with a beard and I was THRILLED!! And no one even noticed it lol. I kept showing it to people and they were like...that's nice. Hmm.. I kept running my hand across it and looking in the mirror and was so excited that I had a beard yet to everyone else it just seemed normal. Interesting.

Anyway, that's my bump for today. Just wanted to share with you guys and gals.

Carry on.
Mav

:flying:

Thanks
 

Thank you for bumping this thread. I know I have found a lot of support and advice in this thread before I actually did start my transition a week ago.

You know Mav if you decide to do transition it is all about the little steps and going at YOUR pace. You may decide to only take T or go further to top and bottom surgery. Whatever is right for YOU. I suggest research and more research but don't forget the support along the way. My journey was long and full of many unexpected twists but it was a journey I had to take again at My pace.

I was once like you and was afraid of what I would loose. Now at 46 I am like many guys and am surprised of how many of things I did actually loose. Plus how little the ones I did loose actually meant to me, in the big picture.
Remind yourself that it is 2013 and a lot has changed including the thinking of many people. You also have the option I took of moving somewhere that the environment and thinking is more positive to trans* people and to the Bravhearts of this world.

I agree with KnightsBlade on this. Take your time on this, and only go as far as you are comfortable with, at the time. I remember that my mentor, long ago, kept telling me to take baby steps, and not to jump into things. She also told me that, generally, if you start trying to live as a female, all at once, you are going to run into all kinds of roadblocks, that you didn't expect. It is better to do things gradually, and both accustom yourself, and the people around you to the changes that you are making, in your life.

This advice worked well for me, and I have had a relatively smooth transition, with a lot less trouble then many people have experienced. I especially took my time changing the way that I dressed, only going as far as I was comfortable with, at the time.

Trust me, the little steps add up, even though it doesn't seem like it at the time. Things seem to go very slowly, at the start of transition, but boy, does that change, after a while.

It was recommended to me, to keep a journal during my transition, and look back at it, about once a year or so. Trust me, you will notice the changes in your life, at that point, especially a couple of years down the road.

Thanks Nadeest and KnightsBlade for your helpful advice to take it slow. I am definitely taking it slow and spend a lot of time researching my options and how others have journeyed through their transitions. Yes, it's a slow process and it sometimes feels like I'm not moving forward at all but I am reminded occasionally of how far I've actually come in just a couple of years. I do keep a journal and it's very interesting to look back once in a while. This year I've learned so much about myself and so many pieces of my puzzle have finally fallen into place. So far it's been an incredible journey and I'm really looking forward to continuing along my current path. It gets lonely sometimes though so it's really nice to reach out and touch base with people that really understand what we go through to get to our true selves.

I shared this quote in another thread but think it's fitting here as well. It very much sums up how I feel about my own transition:

"My transition has not only been from an inauthentic life as a man to an authentic life as a woman. It has also been from a gender covenant based upon physical sex and social convention to a new gender covenant in which gender doesn’t mean being male or female, but being true to others by becoming our truest selves." -Joy Ladin

Hello to all,

As someone suffering from Gender Dysphoria and having opted for not having sex reassignment surgery, I've decided to share with you the reasons why I don't do it.

I have researched extensively and pondered all the pros and cons that might come with it and I have made a lot of introspection in order to take a decision. After a long time, I decided it was better to keep the body I have and take good care of it.

I'm also divided about packing and other such methods.

Don't get me wrong... I hate my body and I'm thoroughly ashamed of it to the point I refuse to have sex with my SO with the lights on.

As much as I would love to change my body, I'm someone who looks at things objectively instead of jumping the gun and doing some kind of madness such as trying to mutilate myself.

My reasons for not "changing" are several as I said. I'll try to explain this as good as I can.

Pros - Match my mental and soul image.

Cons - Where to start?

Testosterone treatment: so much can go so wrong with the body that it's not even funny. Even with naturally high T, my doctor told me it would be best not to do it due to the cyclic cysts I have. It could increase them or worse. I decided not to do it.

Sex reassignment surgery: I have done extensive research in this and the results of FtM surgery are simply not satisfying to me.

Between the massive scarring, the chance of tissue rejection, the chance of necrosis, lack of any feeling, loss of ability to feel pleasure, etc... the risks and cons in this are so many that I simply threw it out of the window.

Come back to me when it's possible to use my stem cells and DNA scaffolding to grow a penis in lab and attach it safely to me. Maybe not in my lifetime but perhaps in the future this will be possible.

Binding my chest: As much as I would love a flat chest, I'm not about to turn my boobs into smashed pancakes. Let them be there and as perky as they want. The only way they go is if I get cancer risk.

Packing: This one brings so many mixed feelings to me it's not even funny.

Packing would enable me to get a penis, scrotum and balls... especially if I save up and get one of the pack&play from Lola Jake's. I would look down and see something somewhat realistic hanging in there, especially if glued (no harness).

However, at the end of the day, it's not really "mine". It's something, glued to me that gives me some feeling by stimulating my clitoris and pleasure to my SO by penetration... but it still comes off my body as it is not mine.

This "it's not mine" thought is what drives me absolutely nuts...

I'm absolutely sure I don't want to go under the knife due to the procedure having more cons than pros. I take my hat off to those who, even with the odds being nasty, still go through the FtM surgery and risk all the ailments that can come from T injections.

Perhaps I will pack in the future but I won't be binding. As much as I hate my body, it's the only body I have and I have to take good care of it, not mutilate it or hurt it.

It's as much my body's fault that it is female as it is my fault that I was born this way. I don't want to be hurt for being who I am, why would I hurt my own body for being what it is?

Yes, my body fitting the mental image I have of it would be nice... but I simply see no reasonable or safe way to do so. As such, I will take good care of what I have and live my life to the best of my abilities.

And maybe.. who knows... maybe I poke Lola Jake in the future... I'm not adverse to the hermaphrodite "look"... :winky:

"madness as trying to mutilate myself"....wow.

There are many people here in varying degrees of transitition, and words hurt.

Well... while I understand why some of us hate their bodies to the point of trying to literally chop off their genitals for example, it doesn't mean it's something sane or normal to do.
It's something that happens out of absolute depression, unhappiness, frustration and desperation.

I won't say the thought never crossed my mind but I never went through with it or even got as far as grabbing a knife...

I'm sorry if my bluntness offends you but it's how I see and talk about things. I shall go back to lurking the forum as I have done until now so that I don't offend people due to being frontal and blunt about things. I don't have a habit of mincing or fluffing words.

Thanks for the "warm welcoming".

Well, we are definitely a mincing group. I like to think of it as being kind and polite.

Welcome, by the way!

Glad you are here!!!

Hermaphrodite is a really antiquated term. Intersex is not a look and although I appreciate someone trying to infuse humor in an obviously stressful situation, I am certain Intersex is not a look but a gender that is akin to many of the things a transgender person goes thru. So please lets not poke humor at the expense of another gender that is struggling.

I totally get where you can feel this way about all the cons that you listed. It can be overwhelming to live a life in a body that doesn't match the mind and sometimes we find ourselves thinking and doing things to our bodies that can be construed as unsafe and not helpful in the long battle. I have run across many transgender persons that go thru periods of physical self hurt/mutilation. Is this what you are meaning???

Thanks...

... and sorry... but I'm the blunt type. I prefer to go back to lurking than facing diatribe for being myself.

Best wishes to all.

You know, if you really do care about being here, it becomes important to care about how our words affect other people. Yes, its great to be blunt, but it seems silly to put that out there then imply you can't post any more because you got a couple of mildly disapproving answers.

Seems mixed messagy.

Like come on hard, then get feelings hurt easy.

If you do care about being here, hang in and be you. But you can't expect everyone to agree with you. :)

Oh i was much kinder than i could have been...there is blunt, and there is offensive, and although i don't speak for anyone but myself, i found the way you frazed things to be purposely offensive to many people here...and as it was your first post EVER, i felt the need to stick my nose in it.

To "me" it felt as though you came in here to stir things up a bit, and oh look, you've suceeded.

Sorry admins I'll back out, was trying to be nice.

I shall reply to you in a PM as not to derail the thread.

Hmm... I placed the word between quotes as I know it's not a "look". As for humor... it wasn't really humor... I'm really not adverse to the idea of having boobs + penis. Maybe the smiley makes it look like that but I honestly had no patience to go through the massive list of smileys to find a more toned down wink... :/

Yes... the "madness" I speak about is when we fall to the deepest pits of horror in our minds and think of nothing but cutting off pieces of ourselves with a random kitchen knife (and sometimes end up trying/succeeding in doing it).

For this is nothing but a bout of madness overcoming us when we're overrun with the deepest loathe we can have for our own bodies.
I've been there... but I didn't get to the point of actually doing anything. I kept forcing myself to think this is the only body I have... I must keep it healthy instead of hurting it.

My way of thinking may be strange to some... but I primarily deal with things in terms of logic. Feelings are secondary to me and they play an extremely limited part in my life. That means that even if I hate my body, I stop myself from hurting it as it would be detrimental to me.








For those knowledgeable of MBTI... I'm an INTJ...

For those not knowledgeable: INTJ prioritizes logic and forgoes feelings and emotions in everything (with a few exceptions). INTJ are often hated due to how cold and uncaring they can come across to people.

You can feel offended all you want for all I care. You're the one being offended by the way I talk, I don't have to change how I talk to please you or anyone else.

I'm not PC and I don't bow down to peer pressures or mob mentalities. I'm me and whoever doesn't like it, feel free to stay away from me.

And believe me, I already tone down on forums. In real life, if someone appears to me looking like a clown, they'll get a "you look like a clown" on the face.

I was sharing my personal views, my personal experiences and being myself. You don't like it? Good for you, deal with it.

I wasn't out to offend anyone... if being myself offends people, well... that's their problem, not mine.

Just know that if you don't accept people as they are, you are just as bad as the bigots we're fighting.



I want to thank the person who directed me to this forum, you know who you are. Unfortunately, I don't change to fit what others want and I'm not PC and things won't work out in here. I will leave for the sake of not generating conflict among the forum users.

I'll leave by myself.

Best wishes to all.

Ilphithra-

Let's make this easy on you since clearly it is a huge burden on someone with such a huge brain capacity to maintain an ounce of respect for people you don't even know.

I'm not impressed. Not impressed by your lamentations of self and not impressed by your inability to keep your cat turds out of the sand box. You think everyone here is stupid and that this community is a waste of time? Good, because it makes it easier to show your arrogant ass the door.

Good day!
Medusa
(idiot Admin of community of stupid people who just. dont. get. it.)

I am sorry that you are in so much pain. I realize that you have been timed out.
However, just in case you are still out there, I am going to put a short simple note out.

I considered my choice to have surgery very objectively, logically and reasonably. I went from the age of 16 to 33 thinking it over. So, I don't consider having surgery at 33 on," jumping the gun." Have to laugh at that one.:seeingstars:

In addition, i find it very Interesting and almost confusing that you view a personal body transformation as, "you trying to mutilate yourself" your madness.
I do understand being desperate for change and I do understand the idea
of going to extremes to make that change. Self mutilation is not a laughing matter.
Today there are healthy options. I pray that they become more accessible to those in need. For those of us that view transition as a positive evolution which brings one closer to "self ";how they define and see themselves to be.

I, for one, can say from my self transformation, or even using your words...
My self mutilation. I am beautiful for having done so, and so are all trans people.

Regards,
DMW

bump
 

I think it's way past time to dust off this thread and give it a bump. I know when I first joined this thread helped me a lot. Back when I wasn't sure if I could medically transition and even when I wasn't sure I wanted to if I could afford it. It is helpful to know there is a place to go where you can vent, ask questions, get support and connect with other Bravehearts. So I am bumping this for the new guy and for the old timers that may have forgotten the thread is even though I no longer fit the description I still love this thread! I have been on T a year now and due to finances that may be as far as I will be able to go in my medical transition although I do want top surgery.

I feel like I'm neither male or female but an odd mix of both. If i could choose what effects T would have on my body, I would be all for taking it...but since I don't have that ability....

As for binding - my chest is too big to bind, and my nipples are super sensitive...which is nice when I'm feeling feminine.

....if I could just deepen my voice and somehow either get a breast reduction or be flat chested with the same nipple sensitivity, I would be all for top surgery....*sigh*

There are ways to investigate both of those options. Someone here was kind enough to turn me onto Neutrois.me which was quite helpful in learning about a persons experiences with low dose T experimentation, and also that there is a kind of top surgery that will preserve what you want.

Keep looking around, you may well find the right mix of options for you.

I am glad to see this group on this front page, I have been on T for quite a while and it's allowed me to accept my body, or at least I like it a little better than I did pre T. I will probably never be able to afford top surgery or a hysto and that's often hard to accept. I don't bind anymore, it hurt my scar tissue so I just said forget it.
Hope you all are having a good Saturday.
~SAB

for me, that would be when the braveheart would step in and I'd just be me

Bump.
 

Two years is far to long for this thread to be idle...IMHO
I am bumping it and quoting the first post from Linus to remind us the original purpose of the thread.
A little about my journey. Most of my life I lived in a section of the country that I still refer to as it being stuck in a time warp of the 1930s and to quote one of my best friends..."IL the hot bed of liberals NOT" To be fair to my hometown and state there have been improvements for our community at least legally, according to my 16 year old self proclaimed pansexual niece. Yet, once you leave her generation it is still dangerous to be anything but a white cis-male I kid you not. I say all this only because even though I knew at a very young age that I am male I am also a product of the hate and fear that was (is) a prevalent part of this area. So it took me a long time to tell anyone that I am a FtM well actually I now say I am a male born with birth defects. Doing that helps me with my body (gender) dysphoria and it has helped others in my life understand my transition as they also transtion.
Anyways, a few years back I had the opportunity to leave the Midwest and move to the PNW where it is much easier to transtion medically.
The last time I bumped this thread I had only been on T for a year and was still hoping to have top surgery. I have now been on T for around 5 years and for the first time my dose is being tweaked due to my increasing age. My hope of having top surgery was ripped from me two years ago after a very bad and negative reaction to having my spine operated on. I am now not medically able to complete my medical transtion. It has been almost two years since this occurred and it is still a bitter pill to swallow. It is hard to move backwards after such a long hard fight of moving forward.

"Bravehearts: FTMs who cannot or choose not to medically transition "

What a kizmit subject line! Bravehearts ... it does seem so from what I've read recently ... elsewhere... on another site..

The question was asked to the FTM members of the other group whether or not they ever felt pressured to medically transition. Many said "yes." And... the pressure was coming from FTM who has transitioned and/or from lesbians. I was both surprised and disappointed! I was surprised because I didn't know such pressure existed and disappointment that this pressure was coming from those within our own LGBTQ community! WTH?!

Sadly that is nothing new depending on your location and age. There is the other side as well FtMs that want to transtion but are pressured not to. Again by members of the community, the medical professionals that refuse to help, and let's not forget the bio-family.
For me personally I don't feel like a member of any group all because the decision to medically transtion was taken from me. Part of the community will always keep me at arms length, my experience,.Which can be a lonely life as well as a single one at least in my experience.
There is a difference between someone not being able to financially be able to transtion, has a medical condition that prevents the surgery from being done safely, and anyone feeling pressured to or not to transtion. The former should never have IMHO it equates to someone who you should love but instead it is gender and not sexuality

Loyalwolfsblade,

I read your two posts and I am trying to understand. You are saying that you are not able to get top surgery due to medical reasons? You said something about figuring it out during spine surgery. Is it an anesthesia thing?

I can't think of a medical reason that you couldn't get two pieces of fatty tissue and glandular tissue removed, so I am thinking they suggest you avoid "unnecessary surgeries" or something?


<---- not in the medical professional

Dapper,
It wasn't an adverse reaction to anistea per say but the fact that a surgery to remove a thoracic disease from my spine at the T7 T8 level lead to three additional surgeries to have infections removed and cleaned. I had those surgeries in GA and when I retuned to the PNW I was advised that even though Top surgery was/is deemed medically necessary for me not to have it done. I now have to many health factors that make it dangerous. One obviously is the high risk of abcess (infection ) and I now have bilateral tumors on my adrenal glands as well as modular on both thyroids. So is just the spine surge preventing me from moving forward sadly no. However if I had had my current primary care doctor she would never had allowed that surgery to take place. Especially in the area of the spine they operated on, not a common area. I guess the bottom line is I am no longer medically strong enough to have Top Surgery.
I still take my T. I still don't think any surgery will make me more of a man than I already am. Yet, I do still grieve the body I deserve and am beyound tired of my gender/body dysphoria that bites me in the ass from time to time.
I also know that it is my perception that allows me to believe that I just don't fit into any part of society.
Believe it or not I do have good days this just isn't one of them. Thanks for asking Dapper.

Damn, you have been through some shit. I'm sorry you can't get it done. I am glad you can hold onto the T. I hated my chest and hoped that top surgery alone was enough to fix my dysphoria. I got top surgery 3 years ago and planned to just continue to live as a very masculine female (I was read as male 85% of the time, anyway). I found that the top surgery just "wasn't enough" to dispel the dysphoria, and to continue to push myself into this "female" box just couldn't continue. I just had to see....and started on low dose T, to make sure it was "right for me". I quickly found out it was. I am now on T for two years. Name and all documents changed within 6 months of starting on T.

I have to tell you, that if I had to chose one or the other, I would choose T. Although I wake up EVERY morning and smile about my chest, it is the T that I needed for my emotional balance. I am saying that as a person who wore a tight binder, all day, every day, for about 20 years.

I think what T does or can do is the hardest thing to explain to others. It is not a magic bullet that will fix all problems, I tell the younger guys. However, for me taking it did help. Contrary to popular belief or stereotype I am actually an angrier person without being on T. I learned that lesson after moving to GA and not being on my T for that entire time. No doctor would prescribe it, stating it went against thier moral velief. A loophole in GA. So I have learned the value and importance of T however like everything else it isn't for everyone and it affects everyone differently.

Right.






..

You didn't offend me. I simply considered it as your way of speaking.

No one should EVER be pressured to make such a decision! It is their body, and their life; therefore, it should be their decision alone.

My journey continues
 

I have had a very hard year and am just getting some time to post about my life and where I am in my gender ID. I, as you all know, am not young in age, but in heart, mind and presentation. I have had an inordinate amount of stress this year which culminated in my being hospitalized the day before Thanksgiving with extreme chest pains and BP of 202/100. My blood pressure goes it's own way these days, even taking meds, when I am stressed. They found nothing wrong (which is good). I also have contended with healing an ulcer that was about to rupture (I had no idea it was even there) and a growth in my colon the size of a small orange that was removed but turning cancerous. In many ways I have dodged many bullets. I have chronic GERD and have changed my diet completely. My thyroid has gone wacky because of the stress and after 30 years on one dose of synthroid, I am all over the place and stabilizing it. I am now the long distance care taker of my sick sister, resigned from the stressful part of my job.

When life slaps me in the face, I tend to reflect and because I am an academic (research). I woke up to the fact that since joining the planet whenever trans info comes up, I am there reading every word. I look at trans porn and I read what I can. I have been packing (as most of you know) on and off for a while. A while ago I started to experiment with STP and find it very satisfying.

Last week after attending a gender ed training at work it began to occur to me (duh) that I am on the trans spectrum (where is what I am experimenting with). My dysphoria has always been my bottom, now this is my process and only pertains to how I do things.

I had started to do some research a while ago on the effects of DES on the offspring of the women who took DES (I was interested in the illness and mental health issues) because both my ex partner and sister (born 12 hours apart) both came from mothers who took DES and had the reproductive anomalies that are associated with DES and autoimmune illnesses and sever depression. I found a study in Sweden that is following long term effects of DES in daughters and bingo, it was all there. Now what you ask does this have to do with me being on the trans spectrum?

There is now evidence based studies that showed that sons of DES mothers (because of when the DES was administered in the pregnancy...2nd and 3rd trimesters) are more apt to transition to female. There is also many intersex individuals in mostly the sons because the DES was administered usually after the gonads formed but during the time that the brain was formed gender identification stuff (there is a whole new neurobiology on this...two aspects of sex and gender development and the XX and XY stuff is only a small amount.)

I began to wonder about daughters and my feeling that I am "missing something ...a cock and how strong it is). After doing more research there was a group that talked about the fact that because it was estrogen that was given the daughters did not experience gender confusion UNLESS the mother was given progestin (testerone, as well). I was in the first batch of US daughters in 1948 that was a recipient of my mother getting DES (my mother's doctor was one of the pioneers in the field). DES was given to mothers who had a chance of miscarrying and was given until 1971 even though the medical field knew it was not being effective). The daughters who were given progestin tended to have masculinized brains as the sons had feminized brains (it is seen on MRI and Pet scans). Last week I asked my mother is she was given estrogen along or two drugs (I was unsure because the research stated that the progestin was given in 1950). Because my mother's doctor was so big in the field he was able to "experiment" before the FDA gave the go ahead. My mother said she was given two vials (progestin and estrogen) and (if you can believe this) shot herself up during the pregnancy.

Now, this is not to demean or counter gender development and identification forming in the ways, just for me, I knew that DES effected us and it was an accident that I came upon this (I have had three surgeries due to fibroids, the last a complete hysto and a ruptured cyst).

I have decided, for now, to be open (not to my kids yet) in my gender trans no matter where it takes me. The most important part is feeling complete and having a cock. For now, I am packing with an STP and pumping. This seems to be fine now. I don't think I will ever go on T because (as you can imagine) I have fears about long term, unknown use of hormones, the fact that my body has not been too stabile and also like some other guys here have said I feel like I have two identities in me (that might or might not change as I have opened myself up a little more). I don't think for know I want to be known everywhere by male pronouns but would like to start "trying it on here and with close friends who introduce me or refer to me at butch femme events). I didn't talk to my mother about my bottom desires but talked to her about being masculine and wanting to explore it.

So, I want to present to the world as me and masculine of center for now, use male pronouns and females pronouns as I see fit.

The chest is another thing. I was born without my pectoral muscle on one side (Poland anomaly) and surgery would be much more than just removal or reduction because the chest would still be deformed and fixing it would take more work (expanders if possible...a prothetic made for my form to show a muscle, possibly taking skin from my abdomen for builidng up chest. That is why binding and sports bras have been a real help. My dysphoria had to do with missing the muscle not the breast per se. Also, on T, I would gain muscle mass and my chest and arm (it is smaller and shorter without muscle) would be destorted, even if I did go on T.

That's it, thanks for listening.