You have no idea just how amazing you are... your worth is beyond measure... never think you are without worth because I won't let you.. you are cherished and worth more to Me than I can put into words

My last attempt at developing an romantic relationship differed widely from other romantic relationships I've had: It seemed like lots of things were evolving in natural ways and it seemed like we has lots in common but yet we also had striking differences. My ex boyfriend stated once, toward the end of our relationship, that I was so incredibly sweet, thoughtful and kind. Which, I can be. BUT, once I assert my boundaries, especially boundaries that I won't adjust, due to prior experiences within an romantic relationship, then it might look like I'm not kind, not tolerant or some such thing. I'm good at holding the line, concerning my boundaries, and I think that took him by surprise. So much so, that it spawned the hidden lunatic variable in his personality. Even at times, that he thought he could take me down or barrage me with enough horrid behavioral tactics, I would not alter my boundaries. Because, as I have stated above, prior romantic relationships that didn't work out, was my training ground on how to better assert myself and be my best, own protector.

I have learned so many things about myself, each time I venture down a new romantic path, but I'd say that particular scarring issues have actually shown me where I need personal growth or how to not blame myself for things I couldn't possibly know how to handle or how to be better able to see deal-breaker behaviors that I won't tolerate or let another person slide on.

I try very hard to be fair minded. To have an open heart. But I'm not going to place my personal safety in jeopardy because I have loving feelings for am romantic partner.

Although I have scars (baggage from prior romantic relationships), I take it as an personal challenge to improve the skills I'm not so strong on and to review my best skills, to make sure I'm using them in appropriate ways. I do that because I care about myself and love myself in ways that I hope is healthy.

I do not have self worth issues. I am not a narcissist either, lol. I had a really awful relationship with someone who did not value me at all and emotionally tortured me to the point of a mental breakdown on my part. As I climbed up out of that darkness, I vowed never to take my worth for granted, nor give it over to anyone else but myself. If someone doesnt value me as much as I do, I am gone. Interesting enough, I have not been hurt by anyone since then. I have drawn the line in the sand and dared people to cross it...and if they did, I offered no arguement, I was simply gone.

I owe that person alot. Sometimes pain is your best teacher...

i have insecurities i'm afraid that i won't love my partner enought loving someone takes time for me so my semi coldness may seems like i don't care but it's false just one of my wall of defense.i'm afraid to destroy a relation because of my fear and doubt i have to work on that also to forget myself in a relationship i'm not hard to live

Good thread :)
 

I think I fear falling in love with someone again who is not on the same time zone as me.... Previous LDR/RLR was tough, the waiting, the expense of immigration visa's & the entire immigration process was gruelling & mentally exhausting... Personally for my relationship to not survive it has been a slap in the face & makes me wonder about myself, is it me? Am I expecting too much? wanting too much?,LDR's are they successful, and just love in general...

So I guess I need to acknowledge & face those fears & self doubts to understand why, so I don't lose the chance to meet the one that IS right for me in the clouded fog of failed relationships...

Being adopted etc, I used to have this *HUGE* fear of abandonment, like massive. It did make me really co-dependant in relationships, attach to people who needed me to function for them (people with addictions, or addictive traits) etc.
I had a massive no one will *really* love me, not the super deep bits of me, those are the bits no one can love *wallow wallow*, everyone will reject me in the end.

I admit I did have to do a shit tonne of therapy for it. And I did meet my birth parents.

I don't have those thoughts anymore. I have other ones lol, but not those ones anymore.

I realised that there are parts of my self that are actually *my* job to love. And just by me. They are my things for me, of me. My sacred special bits of me that I kept giving to other people and demanding they keep safe for me, it made me really vulnerable in ways that made me insecure. Like asking someone to carrying around your great grandmother hand blown glass christmas decoration all the time and never ever break it.

Basically, I had unreal expectations about other people, love, and responsibilites. I am responsible for those most sacred parts of myself. No one else. Just me. Not my mum, not my birth mum, not my friends, not a partner. Just me. That's it.

I thought that was a horrible and lonely thing at first and then I realised it's not because we all are. ALL of us are. And we can show them to each other. But it belongs in our own shoe boxes, in the centre of our own selves, where we have to feed and water and give it things that make it grow. That's nobody else's job.

And I know if I'm starting to feel too panicky about someone not responding to me, it means I've given them too much vulnerability, too quickly for my own comfort and I'm expecting them to make up for it by reassuring me with what ever response I think I need. But the original error is mine. I'm moving too fast with my own vulnerability for my own sense of comfort. I need more time to build more trust.

That's personally the way I look at it now.

Your milage may vary.

Somehow, I overlooked this in the thread.

I must be dyslexic, too, because it never looked wrong to me and I totally understood what dee meant!

Ha!

:)

real fear......
 

My relationship fears?

Becoming involved with someone who doesn't respect my independence, who makes demands, is jealous, wants to have highly emotional "discussions" all the time, pressures me to spend all of my free time with them, doesn't listen to me when I tell them "no" about things.

Pushes their wants over my nos, making it be about me withholding rather than me having a say of when I get to be vulnerable or trust. Someone who pushes me to give them vulnerability, emotional openness, and commitment when they want it, and not when I'm comfortable giving it.

Someone who changes their mind because of emotional moods.

Someone who wants me to be really traditional and shackled to their idea of love - which is dependence, submission, and putting them before myself.

That's my nightmare, really.

A petulant, demanding, very emotional, high maintenance, mercurial, butch partner who wants to be taken care of by a wife who is their live-in nurse, massage therapist, house cleaner, sex worker, and counselor.

That shit terrifies me! And yeah, I've seen it, lived it, and had dates phone me up or tell me drunkenly at 1am "you are the sexy, lovely girl I want to look after me, I can totally see you in my house... " etc etc etc...

*dumps them the next day*

I am terrified of being suffocated by people who don't care about who I am. Just who I am to them.

I am single and regarding relationships, I think I am done. I have always chosen good people, smart people, kind people, but not the right people. And if I am honest with myself, I knew that going in. I don't regret my relationships, but I see no point in doing that again and no reason to believe I've grown enough to do it better. It's sad. But my life is not without love, just not romantic love.

I wish I had something more substantial or revealing to offer like the previous submissions. My deep respect to each of you.

My fears are pretty basic at this point in my life ... will there be another? Having been single now for so long, it feels like I'm getting a lil too old for any of this "starting over" shit. :cigar2:

after my last relationship, i realized for the first time in my life that i deserve better. I realized my self worth. It was so scary for me to say " I deserve better" I realized that im a good person, im honest, caring and compassionate and strong. For me it was hard to look at the good, it had always been easier and safer to look at the bad. I guess it made it easier to go through crappy relationships if you didnt think you deserved better. Well, now i know with the greatest clarity what i deserve and want. It has brought an immense sense of peace and fullness in my life.

I just want to say it takes two, rarely is it ever just one person in a relationship which screws it up. I think lack of taking responsiblity for one's (own) actions makes things worse. It took me a while to figure out it wasn't only his fault, more important it was mine too. I've learned from my mistakes and it's better now.

I think I'm probably done for this lifetime. I haven't been choosing well. Each relationship, (I almost wrote 'failed relationship'), has taught me a great deal about myself, but they've done nothing to alleviate my fears about the painful reality of becoming entangled with another person. They might have serious mental illness, or die on me, or turn out to be a consummate liar, or a thousand other possible negative outcomes which I haven't yet experienced, unlike the above mentioned negative possibilities which I have experienced.

I suppose that means I'm no longer afraid of what might happen in a relationship because I'm no longer interested in involving myself in another one. Do I fear the likelihood that I will not ever be in another romantic relationship? Perhaps. And I feel slightly relieved about it, too.

Yes I know this feeling.

Except the butch of my dreams part :cheesy:

Finding the right person at the wrong time but i think thats already happened.

Fear that I have already risked all for love and won't be able to do it again.

After spending so much time being bold and brave for love and giving it my all and getting seriously burned and scarred in the process, and then finding the person who truly loves me and treats me better than anyone else ever has but staying in the safety of my cave.

Not being brave at the right time for the right one. I'm usually very bold in all matters but the scars do indeed run very deep.

i just wanted to say..reading your comments has taught me some things about myself..there is truth here and much bravery..i truly appreciate you. thank you

hooking up with a self-centered liar and all the behaviors that go along with that ... I used to be such a truster and believer ... I keep my distance "safe" now. I choose this because I enjoy my life so much better this way ... I would describe it as a type of calm happiness.

Hm, I guess since I’m relatively anonymous online I can state my fears... 🙈🙈
Like most people, I fear getting hurt, but I think because of some childhood issues which I posted about elsewhere, I’m incredibly wary of letting anyone close. My closest friends said it took *years* to get to know me because I keep people at a distance, or as my sister said, I’m “prickly.” I love being alone and I love my freedom, but I live with the terror I’ll go through that childhood stuff again.
In February, I made myself go out on a date and I actually liked the woman, but I just imagined all the awful things she could do so it turned into an awkward nightmare. I bet she’s a wonderful person and I wish I could apologize to her, but my brain sort of goes into panic mode.

This. This is my fear exactly.

Fear of abandonment--Big Time.

Finally able to let go of control, but also can grab it back
when necessary.

Yes, yes, and yes.

Seems like you'd be easy to deal with because you're so direct. I like that!
Anyway...
I've had a hell of a time trying not to overthink relationship issues.
I've had to overcome a lot of fixed beliefs and behaviors, like people pleasing, codependency, and erring on the side of being more reserved than I actually am.
I also had to learn that disputes happen, and if I don't advocate for my own position, she's not going to, either.
Also, I've had to release the belief that I was forever doomed to attract cheaters, users and liars.
Each time that's happened, I worried more and more that I would never find a woman whose values more closely matched my own.
To find my part in attracting some of these shady ladies, it took dragging myself back to early childhood and seeing how I learned to take on the role of the schlimazel (mom), because the schlamiel (dad) was a cheater and liar, which to me always seemed far more obnoxious, and even villainous.
I finally figured out I didn't have to choose either role, so I was free to give up my martyr's crown of thorns, and the lofty opinion I held of myself as being more moral than most. Ugh.
What fun it was to admit to myself that sometimes all I really want is to hit it and quit it. Turns out it's not scandalous; it's called being single.

I finally decided to turn all the complicated bits over to my higher power because I was exhausted trying to sort things out with women, romance and my bumbling assumptions.

Like a lot of butches, I'm often drawn to beautiful femme 'bad girls,' because they're usually sexy as all get-out and so much fun (until either my self esteem collapses because I think I'm not in her league, or one night she comes home late with rug burn on her back, smelling like some butch's Right Guard and Aqua Velva).

Even now, I'm slightly worried that someone will be offended by something I wrote, and lecture me about how I come off seeming too this or not enough that...but please don't. :)

Scars
 

I have posted here before. I have been both verbally and physically abused by femmes. I think this is an important topic and we need to develop a safe place for BF folks in an abusive relationship.

Before it was me I was arrogant about it. I thought that "if you are in danger just leave". Now I know how hard it is to leave. There are threats against you and your family.

Femmes can be violent too.

........:goodpost:.......