Butch Femme Planet - Cancer Support and Caregivers Who Are Trail Blazers!

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(((((((((Tommi and Clay))))))))))))

You both have brought me to tears. Wonderful, cleansing and healing tears.

I needed that, whether I realized it or not.

I'll come back and finish this after the tears have stopped flowing and I blow my snotty nose..

I heart you my friends!!

hugs and hugs and hugs

Vent the fuck away!!!!!!!!!!

I have been struggling with image issues, too. I look in the mirror and wonder how the hell I got here. I went back to work on Monday and everyone in my department knows why I was out and I catch people glancing at my chest while we talk. I went through clothes and boxed up the boxed up those that showed cleavage. And nighties...WTH.

Give me a call and we can have a bitch fest and a good cry.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pynkkameleon (Post 597326)

It's almost 4am and I should be sound asleep. Instead my eyes are as big and as wide as the beautiful full moon is right now. I have a hunch that this insomnia of mine can be partially blamed on the new meds that I am on. Thankfully these new Rx's are for something "other" than cancer but they are definitely wreaking additional havoc on this broken body of mine. It's funny how we are prescribed one medication, then given another and yet another to combat side effects from the first, second and third meds and then suddenly the medicine cabinet isn't large enough to hold all of the little orange bottles. There has to be a better way than this.

I should probably apologize ahead of time for this post. (Not sure who I think I need to apologize to? Myself maybe?) I can tell already that it is probably going to come out sounding like the ramblings of a drunken madwoman. I assure you though that I am, at the moment at least, quite sober. :)

I do try very hard not to vent here on the boards, to keep my thoughts mostly private and to be positive 99.9% of the time. However, there are those times when it just gets bottled up to the point where it wants to explode. Probably not a very healthy thing. Positivity is generally very important to me. When I find myself anything but that, I am riddled with nothing but guilt. After all, I have people in my life, including and especially my children, that expect me to always be strong. Then again, maybe they don't expect that and I am just a victim of my own illusions.( See how artfully I let my mind twist and turn things?)

I saw the ta-ta doc this past Thursday. She cut the right side breast pocket open again to remove some more scar tissue. This latest procedure was intended to make the right side look more presentable. Ha! Presentable to whom I find myself wondering because as far as I'm concerned, the whole chest canvas thing seems like a lost cause. The left side has already been deemed as being "As good as it's ever going to get". Even without b/foobs, I am lopsided. It's not exactly a lovely sight. Maybe in time I will be able to get over this vanity issue I have with b/foobs (or in this case lack of b/foobs) and self image but for now, I really find myself still struggling and the very fact that it bugs me is really ticking me off. I wear a red cape damnit! This stuff isn't supposed to get to me.

I also want to throw in here that I am enthusiastically and eternally blessed and grateful to be alive. This isn't about not being thankful. I am well aware of the precious gift of life and there isn't a day that I don't give thanks for it or think of those who are also touched by this disease and others.

This is a self esteem issue.. and one I am not too proud of

I've been trying to combat those thoughts by asking myself the obvious questions such as..

"Okay Von, if you were in another persons shoes and you found yourself attracted to someone who had undergone a double mastectomy (or any other body altering surgery) would it take any of that attraction away for you?"

Duh! My answer is of course an emphatic "Hell No!". So, why I wonder do I assume that another person won't be able to see my body as attractive and that I am doomed to a life of being lonely and of never experiencing touch again?

Am I just being ridiculous or is this something "normal" and part of the self grieving process? Or maybe this is just the lack of sleep and oxygen to my brain talking. Maybe it's all of the above. Whatever it is, I came here to you wonderful people, because I knew that you would listen to my silliness without judging me for it.

Oh, and btw, I changed my name from Vonni to this new name, which is actually an old name but better than using my real name...

See.. I really DO need sleep :D

Oh.. and Dapper. You CAN do it. I have a so much respect for you for coming forward and making yourself accountable like that. Take baby steps where you need to. Every bit adds up and counts.

Hoping everyone is well, happy and smiling * hugs* and thanks for listening! Going to seek out my pillow now...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Debby (Post 598664)

I think that a good cleansing bitchfest is exactly what you and I need. A mix of laughter and tears, topped off with a big ole' fuck you to cancer!

We're going to get through this and be all the more fabulous for it.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs back my friend. Can't wait to talk to you!

Vonni

Making cancer our bitch!!!!! lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by pynkkameleon (Post 598825)

Please send my friend Maria and her husband Dave some gentle and loving energy as Dave transitions from this world to the next. He was diagnosed with a very invasive form of melanoma three years ago, went into remission and suffered a reoccurrence this spring. He has been battling hard ever since and went to Roswell Cancer Institute on the 5th for an IPI infusion but didn't get to leave since they have been struggling to manage his pain. The oncologist told Maria this morning that he will not be going home.

Please keep this beautiful family in your thoughts. Maria was one of my best friends when I lived in New York and Dave lived across the street from us and is my brother's best friend. They are both only 39 and have three beautiful children. They were high school sweethearts and have been together since 9th grade.

:candle:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Novelafemme (Post 613049)

Sending many prayers and heart felt condolences to you and your friends in this time of transitioning. May peace and light surround you all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Novelafemme (Post 613049)

Absolutely, Novela! May that white light energy bring Dave peace & calmness as he transitions from one plane to another. May his wife find courage, strength, and support in these thoughts for her as well......blessings for this family in this time of sadness....:candle:

(((((((((((((Hearts and harp strings of love, life and peace for Novelafemme's friend Dave and the love of his life Maria, and the three kids that knew a wonderful Dad.))))))))))))

I returned home for the 4th of July road trip and found the envelope from the CA Doc saying my path reports came back negative. ..I already knew that and had forgotten that a confirmation would come by mail.

Dave passed this evening with Maria there by his side. He fought hard.

I'll be flying home for the services as soon as I get the details.

Now I'm gonna go have a good cry.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Novelafemme (Post 616265)

Dave passed this evening with Maria there by his side. He fought hard.

I'll be flying home for the services as soon as I get the details.

Now I'm gonna go have a good cry.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Novela}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} sending you healing energies...and know you are in my thoughts..along with Dave & Maria.....love you my beautiful friend! Clay

Quote:

Originally Posted by Novelafemme (Post 616265)

Dave passed this evening with Maria there by his side. He fought hard.

I'll be flying home for the services as soon as I get the details.

Now I'm gonna go have a good cry.

Sending you and Maria my love. Jeano

Tig Notaro was interviewed on Fresh Air and I thought folks here might want to here the interview.

http://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPl...3&d=10-08-2012

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeftWriteFemme (Post 671756)

Tig Notaro was interviewed on Fresh Air and I thought folks here might want to here the interview.

http://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPl...3&d=10-08-2012

This morning, I did hear this interview . Thanks Left i wanted to hear it again..

The chemo fog has lifted a lot but its been a year and I want to be me again!!!!
I am giving myself another 6 months tops, I need my brain back dammit!!!

From the Mayo Clinic:
Although post-chemotherapy cognitive impairment appears to be temporary, it can be quite long-lived, with some cases lasting 10 years or more.

Merry Christmas to all of us who have survived Cancer. I am one year, cancer free. This time a year ago I was just getting out of the hospital....I am truly blessed...to be here to celebrate this wonderful season of miracles....
Merry Christmas to all of us...I heart each and every one of you...Clay

Quote:

Originally Posted by deb_U_taunt (Post 722088)

Oh yes," Chemo Brain" sucks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deb_U_taunt (Post 722088)

Hi, deb.

Yes, the chemo fog has been quite hard for me as well, and my 6 months of chemo ended in 3/2011. The worst for me is word finding. It has become a bit better, but is still an ongoing, daily problem. I also seem to skip words when writing, or write the wrong word.

Additionally, although it has gotten better, immediate memory is a problem. Three or four sentences into a paragraph, I can't remember what the first and second sentence said. I had actually planned to return to graduate school for an additional degree, but wasn't able to get through the GRE due to the above problem. It is better, but since it has been so long, I don't know if it will become good enough to be able to return to school.

Evidently, the biggest reduction in chemo fog happens in the first year. After this, it either leaves much more slowly or doesn't get any better.

What type of chemo did you get? I received 5FU for colon cancer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mustangjeano (Post 722279)

Oh yes," Chemo Brain" sucks.

What's it like for you now Jean? I would appreciate you sharing your progression of chemo brain. How long ago was your chemo? You had breast cancer twice, right? Or am I remembering this incorrectly?

Quote:

Originally Posted by DapperButch (Post 722283)

What's it like for you now Jean? I would appreciate you sharing your progression of chemo brain. How long ago was your chemo? You had breast cancer twice, right? Or am I remembering this incorrectly?

Yes, twice. Thanks for remembering Dapper. My chemo was in 2004 and the initial memory and focus problems are much better but the most challenging side effect was/is depression. I never had a problem with depression before chemo and it has not improved much in all these years---I have tried several Rxs and done a lot of mental work on my own but it continues to be something that dogs me. I believe the chemo and/or three major cancer surgeries did a number on my brain chemistry.

CANCER such an evil word . many hugs to those of you that are going through any cancer treatments now and rock on jean that you beat breast cancer twice . unfortunately my aunt did not beat it but she's always in my heart lost her about 2 years ago now . my father has beat pancriatic cancer twice he just turned 70 on the 21st of december and doing amazingly well . just found out my best friend has breast cancer. she's doing chemo now . she did tell me they caught it in an early stage so im hoping and praying she can beat this . our friends are a complete support system for her right now . anyway many hugs and prayers for anybody dealing with cancer right now

always goodlilfemme