Puerto Rican Medical Disorder Terminology:
:puertorico:
Monga:
Mysterious body temperature, not high enough to be considered fever, but serious enough to miss school and work. Illness is unknown by the American Medical Association (AMA) and only understood by doctors of Puerto Rican origin, Puerto Rican Teachers tend to be immune and see right through it, unless they're underpaid.
Patatú:
Falling attack of obscure origin that can strike at any time. Could be serious enough to require hospitalization, yet is undetected by medical technology. Victims tend to be males and females over the age of 50 years, or Teenage girls after a recent bad break-up.
Sereno:
Occurs when someone steps outdoors suddenly at night and is sprinkled by a mysterious substance produced by the night air. There are no physical symptoms and it can only be detected by the Puerto Rican elderly. The effect of having this disease is unknown. Children younger than the Older person demanding it shall not be taken out at night without proper clothing (read: wrapped up like a suffocating coccoon) or risk of contamination is certain.
Empache:
Digestive disorder which occurs after the consumption of a large Puerto Rican meal. The only known cure for this disease is "una buena criolla" or "tirarse un buen peo". (Alka-Seltzer is completely ineffective, don't sleep in the same bed, you'll regret it.)
Colta'o:
Frequent and mild condition of unknown etiology. Symptoms include but are not limited to fatigue, lack of energy and chronic whining.Treatment is usually ignoring them, or try to find something better to do in another room.
Moño Parao:
Psychological imbalance of short duration that causes strange mood swings, violent irritating behavior as well as general unpleasantness.Treatment is same as Colta'o
Cocotazo:
Also referred to as the "Fuácata". A clenched /closed cripple! Caused by left or right fingers flexed to not quite make a fist with middle finger slightly raised higher than the rest and delivered to a child's head with a quick snap to the wrist (my uncle's favorite).
Chichón:
Elevated cranial protrusion usually caused by the fall after a patatú. Can also be caused by the sudden or unexpected encounter with a cocotazo.
Caquita:
Also known as "churra" or " a chorro". This occurs after eating a lot of "arroz chino", "mofongo", and drinking "malta" at the same time. Your bum feels on fire from so many trips to the bathroom.
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