March 17

Suit up, Show up



I stand naked, paralyzed, unable to reach my intended destination or any destination at all. Goose flesh is no real motivation and I am reluctant to use the prod having only produced resistance and reversals with past applications of this weapon. Entreatment might work if only I could find the right one; then again anything might work if it were a fit. Covering my all-together is an action; taken judiciously it sometimes is all the arrival I can manage, taken disingenuously it precludes the chance for any further forward motion and may create set back or retreat. I should not attempt to hide fear with wardrobe though I can try to warm it. Façade building is best done with a bottle in tow
reality is best faced with a sponsor by my side.




Acknowledge pain, acknowledge joy


*

OLD BEARS

Cold and Despondent
Nothing comforts me like the bear of early sobriety

Bought on a day I thought I would shake apart
This fuzzy old guy has been a display item,
For many years now,
Tucked to the corner with the lace edged pillows and folded shawls.

Jittery and Sleepless
It's easy to panic.

I turn and see the amber eyes waiting for my embrace
His body clothed in a hand knit child's sweater made by a friend
The warmth of this snuggle is more than comfort
It is also the acceptance of loss.

Quelling the dramatic highs and lows of the beginning cost many things
And the depth of this is not lost in the moment.

Alone in my bed the passageways to the future appear to me
I must rest and then walk on
I cannot stall or simper, plain work is before me
And simple old bears a consolation.

March 18

Malaria


Flailing, reaching, screaming; hiding, avoiding, misdirecting, theses are subsets in a list of extremes whose commonality is lacking, lacking humility. I fall to pieces just thinking of standing exposed, imperfect and unprotected. I’m not sure what I think will happen to me in this posture; instantaneous death? Couldn’t be, I’m not that lucky, nor am I foolish enough to think that I am that lucky. Possibly, I fear rancorous humiliation, but really who is powerful enough to do that to me? I know and like myself well enough to deflect obvious flying nonsense, so what is it that I do flee? I think it is the endless grinding inelegance of life, the stinging nettled nature of things, my inability to weave my way around my weakness and slip into the open unpoisoned. I fear exchanging peace for failure. Humility is when I know I cannot fail.



Be conscience of judgment and try not to react to it


*

WET BLANKET

I have carried this sodden thing with me all my life.
It's weight a burden for numerous years,
I have never been able to explain my continuing drag of this pitiful thing
Though it has been commented on by many.

My fidelity is boundless
In spite of inner questions and doubts.
Now that the fire is here I am glad to have it.
I pull it over me and step into the fray.

Thick and moist, I somehow struggle under its influence
And am able to do what others, bare of my encumbrance, cannot
I don't believe I can quench all the flames but I hope to help some to safety
And bat down the encroaching inferno a bit.

March 19

If I name it do I know it?


Does emotional proximity necessitate a nearer name? Far off I would be called earthling possibly human. On this plain, female maybe woman; in this country Mrs. Theriault; in my home call me Sherrie, but in my bed hy calls me Baby. Do these names offer the requisite information, no further inquires required, is it personal enough? Is the limited nature a stunted interest from without or a privacy fence from within? Does the boundary shift dependant upon the participants or is it an almost universal standard of metered advance and reveal? And do I get more when I give more or does that end in less info and a change of direction? Also who determines what I really need to know? Wanting curiosity; my hungry mind and lonely heart do not direct all the world, yet ceaselessly they strive, shutter and ask again: Who are you?





Step toward yourself


*

JAG

I have the most interesting lawn ornament.
It is long and sleek, low to the ground,
Resting on rubber rolls,
Steep of side and languid front and back

It has glass, glass which slants
And glass which slops into its sides.
It's paint shines when I buff it
And shows dust when I don't.

Inside there are seats and many artistic accessories
I sit on the steps and admire the thing
Then I sit in the thing and admire the porch
That's all there was until I was handed the key.

quick note to LeftWriteFemme
 

Remember our discussion about moderation this past weekend. I went into work yesterday morning, Ron, out of the blue, started talking about moderation too. I do not think it is a coincidence. It is too much "in my face" now.

Thank you for being such a wonderful friend. I have decided to stick around for the next 30+ years. There's so much more to learn. :) Be sure to tell Lisa I said HI. *wink* Lisa RAWKS!!! HEH HEH!

This is just where I feel at. :sigh:

I'm askeered of what comes next, although wanting to embrace it and move on to a place I've never been before. Shining a light on the truth is gonna hurt and my addict brain wants to run for the hills; recovery brain says my HP won't let me fall and won't give me more than I can handle.
:praying:

Praying that Ms.Sponse is well enough for our step 3 sharing evening that we post-poned from last Wednesday to this one. I'm sure I'll explode if she's poorly-sick again :hamactor:

note to Daktari
 

Hi there, Daktari! You have a lot going for you in that you realize it is your "addict brain" telling you to run. I have been there and I am sure I will be there again at some point. For me, the more times I stuck it out, faced fear and pain and did not run, the more I was able to move forward and accept better things into my life. As I go along, I now realize when I have to do these recovery suggestions which involve facing fear or feeling pain, I can now rest assured I won't die from going on and marching through it.

Hang in there!
Best wishes!
Brock

The one thing we know to do is RUN, it has served us in the past, but the gift is in front you begging you please accept me, Be still and know all will be OK
"My sponsor always tell me G-d did not save me from drowning in the ocean to let me drown in the bathtub"

Its uncomfortable but only for a short time, it sucks and hurts and makes us want to crawl out of our skin, but if you can be still and just let yourself go through this short moment the next time will be easier and the time after that even more so
Hang in there buddy

"Praying that Ms.Sponse is well enough for our step 3 sharing evening that we post-poned from last Wednesday to this one. I'm sure I'll explode if she's poorly-sick again..."


I can't help but notice you're talking about step 3.

Might I suggest that if your sponsor isn't available that, in the meantime, you find someone else with time that you trust to share with. It's a good idea to release pressure in a positive way. Then you can fill your sponsor in later.

Just my 2cents worth.

when I first got back to Ohio, I went to meetings. I quit, because I had a woman stalking me in the meetings. I tried a few months ago, to go back, and again, the same woman and then a man started to pursue me. And they just dont take no for an answer. Even tho I am engaged to be married, they still wouldnt leave me alone.

So, rather than dealing with it, I just stay away from meetings. And its pissing me off. I dont know what to do.

March 20

Bent, Spindled, Mutilated


Injury changes memory, not just the memory of the individual trauma, but the very nature of the mind. The hooks and loops distort and I can’t hold on as I once did. The misses and disconnects become more frequent, then they become expected. Emotional fluff-ups do not suffice, the hardware is damaged and a positive attitude is advisable but the pliers are a necessity. Some things are easier to break than to repair, in fact most things are easier to break, no skill required, though some take it on as skill, most destruction is ignorant or accidental, nothing personal just a part of a pain filled landscape. Direct intervention is not the same as hands-free degradation, though both have their cost. Redemption, restoration, is sought from all comers. Possibilities and probabilities stack; action is a relief, whether or not it is a fix. I take a breath to face the final blow, for when the cost adds up and I look for recompense all I hear is the check is in the mail.





Line the bin so the ick won’t stick

*

20 CART PILEUP

What's the problem here?
Asks my sponsor, as she approaches my apparent impasse.
Well, I've been trying to get these carts lined up
What do you think of my progress?
How many carts do you have here?
A few, quite a few, why?
And how many horses? She asks
Just the one, the same as everyone else, I answer.
And where is this poor animal?
Back here.
Behind the carts
OK, we have a twofold problem here.
First, one horse can handle only one cart.
So pick ONE
Second, that sad creature needs to be in the proper position
To do any good at all.
You had best figure out a way to get him in front
Or you will remain stuck
Even after you whittle down your burden.
I was stunned
She went to her cart
Climbed to the seat
And took the reins
How long did it take you to get yours like that? I ask
Honey it takes every day.
Don't kid yourself
I wake up every morning with the same train wreck
Your standing in now.
Learn to sort faster
And you'll have the rest of today
You can start over
With us tomorrow.

KCBUTCH is right. It is so damned uncomfortable because we have to step away from our natural inclinations into the unfamiliar. With this program, I no longer have to be "a cut-and-run backdoor Brock." I like me much better this way. All that dodging, ducking and running was wearing me out. I do not miss the pitiful incomprehensible demoralization one bit.

Today, I exit through front doors without holding my head down in shame.

Pretty good deal - this recovery stuff. :)

Awww you lot are fab...thanks, thanks ever so much for your posts -support, ideas, suggestions, and above all reassurance.

I'm lucky that don't have to even think about sharing step 3 with anyone but my sponsor. Just couldn't do it. I think I have one of the best of the very limited pool of females in the fellowship in this area, there aren't any others that I would trust enough to share a step with...maybe Granny Sponse., despite not having met her in person yet.

It amuses me that as the 'baby' in a line of sponsorship, I'm the oldest by a decade+ :cheesy:

Yanno, I like that my addict brain has it's own personality and is getting easier to identify. There are still lots of days I surrender to it but I feel comforted by the knowledge that the more I do 'this stuff' and the work my sponsor expects of me, the easier it is to identify when it's (addict brain) vying for or has control.

It's hearing folks like yourselves and the people in the rooms share that they faced and moved through the fear and pain, only to come out the other side saying it's one of the most loving things they've ever done for themselves that I'm holding onto for dear life....let's face it, this stuff can mean life, death or worse, a living death. :|

This is the point that I avoided first time round. Avoiding it led to ultimately, after a very long time, to picking up the drug that has been most destructive for me again. I will not, cannot, avoid it again.

I suspect the Bat Addict signal will be up again before too very long as I share step three tonight and we talk about how I'm gonna tackle step 4, without "...analysing the arse out of it." and "...trying to write the great recovery novel". Ms Sponsoliscious knows me so well :blush:

Thank-you again for your input and suggestions...I'm so very grateful you lot are here :pile:

Yeah, this recovery stuff is a bloody good deal :thumbsup:

Wow, I'd be stark raving sober if I didn't get to meetings. I'm in a min. of 3 a week (and that really is the minimum)....and I've got 26 years.

Do you have a sponsor to talk to about this? In my neck of the woods the old-timer women blast guys that are inappropriate with women in the rooms. Seriously.

Please consider talking to some other women about this. I'd hate to see you go out behind this. I've seen that happen OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Meetings are critical to sobriety.

If you want to talk more about this you can pm me.

- Kevin

March 21


When is enough, enough?


“What is the difference between full and all? Don’t know? Well, let me tell you,” said my sponsor with a wink. “Full is when the broccoli that went perfectly with the entrée leaves a pleasant smile on your face, full is when the arrow on the gas gauge points to F, these are little indicators of full. Indications that you have reached all: the wet scary feeling in your mouth after your second piece of pie, all is the gas pouring down the side of your car because you have to try to squeeze more in.”
“Yes, yes,” I reply, “I know when I’ve overdone it; I resent everyone or at least I am cranky about everything. I know when I’m under doing it, too; I get either a lost feeling or the sense that I should be in charge, but how do I really know that I am doing enough?”
“If your sponsor has a good idea of where you are mentally, physically and spiritually; if the people in your home group can count on you to contribute service regularly. If most people in most meetings know not just your face, but also your name. If your sponsees freely admit that you are their sponsor, those are sure signs. Though the biggest signal for me is how constant my contact is. If I’m reluctant to pray I’m usually not doing enough of something.”




Learn from pain

*

MATH

If this is the solution why aren't I happy?
I ask my sponsor in a piteous whine.
You've run the equation and the solution equals happiness?
She queries, that's the whole and total answer?
How many times did you go through the computations?

What's your point?
Are you saying happiness isn't the answer?
What about joy and freedom?
I heard someone say that was the goal
I know that's what I heard.

Let's think about it for a hot second
What would you think
If I worked the steps as hard as I do
And as a result walked around in a perpetual grin?
I'd think you had lost your mind.

So you're telling me you believe
The product of recovery is idiocy?
The thing we all are aspiring to is bliss and nothing but?
No, I guess not.
Then what is the solution for you? I ask.

A tally which fits the day I'm having
Joy sometimes fits that bill
But other days it's sadness or concern
There have been days when disbelief
And dismay were part of the appropriate response.

For me, the solution is having an equation
That helps me respond to life
Instead of reacting to it.
That's better than unending happiness
That's wholeness she said with a grin

I'm feeling a big internal shift happening again in my life. This is nothing new. Been there. Done that. Have the shirt. In fact I'm actually pretty excited about it.

When I was new change scared me...a lot. I was so trying to get my feet on the ground that when it started to move I was at a loss. I didn't have alcohol or 'party favors' to take the edge off. The process was alien to me.

I'm really grateful that I had people then and now to make this journey possible. God, expressing as the Fellowship, is what has bolstered me up when I needed it and allowed me to return the favor.

It's all Good. :praying:

- Kevin

back to ManOMan
 

EDIT:

Hi Friend, I am responding to post of yours. It is not your last post but a couple posts back.

END EDIT



There's an attractive red-haired guy who comes to meetings all around town. He has never been sober or even tried to be -he does a lot of drugs. Anyway, his purpose is to pick up good-looking newbie young women at meetings. When I see him in meetings, I stay after and observe him. Soon as he starts conversing with his next victim, I go over and make sure I am loud when I tell her to stay away from him because he is nothing but a sexual predator and she won't be able to get sober ever if she hangs with him. It is not 30 seconds and other women come over, chime in, back me up.

March 22

Clever Me

I am clever, I am so clever, everyone knows it and I know it, too. So, why do I get slam stuck on the very simple things required to keep my life running smoothly? I know what needs to be done, yet have no clue as to how to accomplish these threads of minutia. I stall; panic, plod, pout. When I do force myself to do it I end up creating either a new pile of impossible incidentals or some anticlimactic end, but secret solutions are as of yet undiscovered. The whip, the lash and the club avail nothing though sweet enticements do no better. I pray, “Dear G-d please help me!” but this has no point, I don’t want the help, I am afraid of the help, I am afraid of the change and of course who wouldn’t be? Beyond here lay someone I don’t know, someone I only fear, beyond here lay the fearless me and I am clever enough to be afraid of her.



Fill the potholes in your thinking



*

THE PROCESS

The mountains don't wash away like sandcastles
The amount of persistence required is far greater.
Acorns don't work like sunflowers
Not everything is instant gratification.

Marathons aren't run in seconds
If you don't love the whole adventure, pick a smaller goal
There is no shame in sunflowers or sandcastles or microwave popcorn
As long as you want it and hold it in esteem

Time-consuming, life-consuming journeys
Have a high price in boredom
And are not worth the consumption
If that is not where your heart leads you

You don't have to love washing the pans
To be a good baker
But it helps
Peace is in the process.

I am in 2 twelve step programs and so grateful I have found this thread!!
Like one of the posters above I too am right infront of a big shift in my life, a huge release is about to come and I am scared to death of where it leaves me.
I am though also REALLY looking forward to it because I KNOW there is a GIFT on the otherside!!

Have a blessed day!! :bunchflowers:

I was pondering regarding difficulties with step 3.
I remind myself the concept of " progress and not perfection"
I am not perfect...ego and self will run riot will try and convince
Me that I can be and that i am in total control of everything.
I am not really in control. Higher Power knows that I am not perfect.
Letting go of the idea and self will and control...is freedom from
The bondage of self.

Thanks for sharing All,
Gotta go to work.

In the NA fellowship there is an IP literature leaflet that deals with inappropriate behaviour at meetings which covers situations like this and others. Does AA have a similar piece of lit.?

ILF [/COLOR][/QUOTE]

If there is such a pamphlet in AA, I am unaware of it. I happen to have the literature commitment at my Wed. night meeting, so the next time I go to the central office I can ask.

Actually at that particular meeting we have an old guy (83) that's inappropriate in general. He claims 32 years, but he's still an A-hole. He's also got the beginning stages of Alzheimer's and it exacerbates the situation. I think it's the only meeting he's physically able to get to. We've had several conversations and the secretary called NY. What they said was the secretary can 86 someone. We've all prayed a lot about this. What we came up with is that he as an assigned chair that keeps him in the back of the room. He's been told that if he doesn't like it, there's the door.

'Our common welfare should come first', so if there are people that push beyond the scope of "Love and tolerance", they can be asked to leave.

I'm glad that there are people that are willing to get involved to make meetings a safe place for everyone. Meetings are way too important.

Ain't growth grand - LOL!

I've been able to get through a lot of very hairy stuff and still not pick up.
Have I done it all gracefully? Not! But that has gotten easier with time.

I'm grateful for my spiritual practice. Without my prayer and meditation,
my life would be very, very different.

March 23

Suddenly


Creeping realization has never been my experience with G-d’s handy work in my kitchen. I start out making a mess and I find in short order that G-d has made a meal; fit food for apt hunger. I could throw myself into the kneading and shaping, but without the yeast which is so freely given I have no bread; only a lump that will choke me in the end. Even my very own abilities are gifts I was incapable of offering to myself and are only found here in my possession through sheer grace. I have woken up with my face saliva glued to the table top far too often only to discover my Higher Power doing and I am grateful; for without that action I would be un-done.



Learn to live with the shadow of the moon


*


HOW RED IS RED

I check my color and contrast
I paint the setting sun
Add a bit of yellow
And fill to the edge burgeoning poppies

Add more blue and paint the blood
Which pools around my mind
The equalizer of all my mental conversations

Too much is never enough, as the story goes
I pursue my shades and signatures
Too much for the fingers and not enough for the toes
I disregard fraudulent crimson

I scale the mountains of intention looking for perfection
The leach of my addiction drains the other colors from my rainbow
My sponsor asks only one question
"How red is red?"

Way to go; I think sugar is really hard to stay abstinent from. It's almost culturally acceptable, even expected, to splurge on sweets.

Again, not to get off the subject, but sugars are very closely related on a molecular level to alcohols, and break down in the body to similar substances.

One day can turn into two and then three. Stay close, stay prayed up.

March 24

Water Buddha


The longer on the river I am the less I fear the river. I still don’t know what lay ahead, anything may wait for me just around the next bend, but I fear this less and less. Experience is a great foundation no matter what you are building or in which direction. I’ve gotten my sea-legs, a sure sign of the mind cooperating with the realities the body is experiencing. I have learned to avoid some forms of trouble and anticipate fortune more often. Further on could be waterfall, ocean, dam; I will contend with any or all, come what may, for when it comes to riding the river I have learned the most important thing: I don’t need to push.



Be left, be right, be yourself



*

THE ORDER

I can't expect delivery if I haven't placed the order
I never seem to know what I want
Until after I have accepted something else.

I can remember thinking order meant procedure not procurement
Set the table, not end my hunger
I focused on rational intent and turned my face from desire

Assailing outcomes leads to disappointments
Asking for a hole to be filled may cause dumping
Not management or conservation

It's good to have a plan before signing the requisition
Please help me know who I am
So I know what I want

I can make a request and stop accepting orders of attack
Don't let me order the end
While I am still at the beginning

March 25

Two X’s


I play sport at the three X folks and their still sometimes skewed thinking. Yet, I attack myself for feeling like a babe in the woods. Old and wise should be my stock and trade by now though I find vastness at my door regularly and confidence struggles to peek in the window. What in the world will I do if I can’t perfect this stuff soon? Hopefully nothing as foolish as fretting or anything as mean spirited as accusation, possibly I could try reception. Truly this only comes in gift wrap and after twenty years I would hope I had learned to live in the present.



Think kindly of chickens if not of cowards



*

THE ORPHANAGE OF MY HEART

The orphanage of my heart hold many children of the past
They gaze at me
Fixed in an attempt to draw me near their needs

I scurry, often my head down, eyes averted
Not knowing how to offer comfort or consideration
To these hapless souls.

Fearing the largess of poverty
I decline to open my small purse
What could I tender
Other than a tease?

Nearly barren, in my heartbroken, disconsolate, inconsolable state,
I rarely even obligate myself to extending my hand
This is the pit of my idiocy

These wee ones have the world of hope and strength to give
I am their offertory
I am the place where their gold resides
They live inside me to fill me and bind me to life and light

I flee them in the height of misunderstanding
Disconnected from these inner spirits I am impoverished
And far too weak to grasp their help

I too fogged to see the world within
Starve in the world without

March 26

Whirly Gigs



Pivot points and reference points subtlety disguised as harmless bric-a-brac escape my comprehension until I either stumble or land on one or the other and ponder the affect. Realization that much of my life’s contentment hinges like a door shocks me, though I don’t know why it should. Isn’t it the way of things that it all turns on a whim or at the very least hangs on fine gauged calculation? I am not the capricious vixen I accuse myself of; I am however human and given to a certain amount of fickle fussy frenzy which all reckons out given enough perspective and wit.





Resuscitate inspiration


*


CALIBRATE COINCIDENCE

Do good
Do right
Line up with the next movement

Get the universe into the sprockets of my desires
And make the miracles flow in my direction
Ah, The boy scout merit badge of sobriety

I force spiritual alchemy through the pasta maker
Of my small life
Expecting gold

And where is God?
Where is the realness of reality?
Where is my place in this hairy mess?

Well, who knows
Am I the Wizard, the Chemist?
The mechanic of the galaxy?

Though I wish and hope
In truth I am not the one who calibrates coincidence
I am the receiver of.

The 13th Step is not an AA Tradition...
 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daktari (Post 770996) In the NA fellowship there is an IP literature leaflet that deals with inappropriate behaviour at meetings which covers situations like this and others. Does AA have a similar piece of lit.?

This is from Page 119 of the 12 and 12:
"It is only where "boy meets girl on A.A. campus," and love follows at first sight, that difficulties may develop. The prospective partners need to be solid A.A's and long enough acquainted to know that their compatibility at spiritual, mental, and emotional levels is a fact and not wishful thinking. They need to be sure as possible that no deep-lying emotional handicap in either will be likely to rise up under pressures to cripple them."

It's known as the 13th Step and usually is not good. An oldtimer once said, "Do not do the Steps out of order, and that goes for the 13th Step too!"

13th Steppers are frowned upon. Group officers should nip it in the bud! Going up to the offender and telling them to discuss it with their sponsor is good. (Many times it turns out they don't have a sponsor, which is where the problem lies in the first place!)

March 27

New Borne


What happens when you finally get what you want, what you barely dared to dream? What happens when you can hardly do more than drip tears down from smiling eyes? Where do you go with a future filled with proposed joy? Heaven is an option if only you believed, but hell has been such a perennial destination it’s hard to realize there will be no return trip this year or possibly ever again. The work required to change from an attitude of longing to one of satisfaction is as real as all the work needed thus far. Tending love is a host of disciplines I want to step to, like I have done it all my life, like I was born to do it and I was, yet, still growth is accompanied by its own pain and awkwardness and who am I to deny this treat. Any new life worth living is worth the pain to bear it.




Turn up your smile

*


FEELINGS

Getting my feelings back
Was like a package delivered.
Not a letter bomb
More like live squid or bait of some kind
It was something to catch me out there.

I think overcoming the shock
Was more or less the small part
Though it seemed to loom at the time.
The squirming, the writhing of my soul
Was like a pregnancy following a bad dream.

I wondered how this became a part of me.
I squandered my days
Hoping it would leave quietly some night soon.
Like all difficult relationships
I attempted to hold my breath through it.

Failing this, I tried to offer my feelings a guest wing in my heart
And a never ending supply of tea and cookies.
When the reality of life with feelings planted itself firmly in me
I let out my breath, stopped the hostess act
And endeavored to roll with it.

This worked well.
I have since invested in a wet-suit and fins
The squid are much easier to live with
When I meet them on their turf.

Thanks o222good, I heard about the 13 steppers. Infact as a wee 22yr old active alchy I was prey to more than one or two when I came to the fellowships in the 80s :|

However, it wasn't me who was wanting advice about what to do when encountering such behaviour in meetings. I was just trying help, like yourself.

I've been looking for an online pdf copy of the NA 'behaviour in meetings' leaflet but can't find one.

I'm really surprised that AA doesn't have the same.

March 28

Feelings/Facts

Delay is when I don’t deal with the tack, don’t deal with the finish nail, land up with a 12 penny in my heel and think about waiting for the railroad spike. Rebellion is when I run through the razor-wire fence expecting to make a clean get away. If I don’t socialize my problems when they are puppies all hope is lost when faced with the big dogs. Exiting out the fifth story window is suicide in fact, but in my thinking I am merely rebelling. Willingness and cooperation make a dynamic duo; powerful combatants of delay, rebellion, many other joy killing, life stealing foe. A life led with cooperation and willingness is not necessarily perfection, but it often feels that way.




Coax loose your tangled frustrations



*

FUTURE TENTS

The future seeps in through the windows
Like the dawn steeling across the sky
Once I inhale it, I am out of doors
Only the lightest of canvas covering me

The opening, flaps in the breeze
The wind of unbidden things echoes
Off the wall of people
Shut out from this adventure

I brace myself for the cutting current
But am greeted by the softest of zephyrs
I duck out
I stand unfettered

Lonely whispers call
But I am isolated
The scene is empty, serene and beautiful
There are other tents

Other seekers standing on other hills
But they see their own futures
From the vantage of their own tents
And thankfully I am left to see mine

March 29

Yes, Virginia there is a solution

Suspended in the colloid of sobriety the overly large molecule, which is me, finds a fix I couldn’t imagine. I can get better, I do get better, I have a set of values to substitute into the old equations. I now live in a mixture where there is one thing in common and all the rest are variants which ordinarily don’t mix. The scientific method is entry to homogenous living; a concept that never made it to the table in my days as a rogue element. And with all this on board, the thing I love the best is that it grows; what I can do and how I can do it is an ever widening frame of reference, even things which were once outside of my view are now possible. I am grateful that there is a solution; I am amazed that it is the solution to everything.





Rethink awkward restriction


*

CRAZY

I try on crazy
The way I sometimes get out the jump rope
And see if all those muscles still work.

The unemployed, unexploited
Fallow nature of my once fertile insanity
Saddens me in an odd way

Today is a place
I stand in stiff comfort
Even though it has taken concerted effort to get here

There are days I slip from reality
The way I can slip off a chair
I no longer allow myself to lounge on the floor

Pride is not so much the issue as hygiene
Crazy is bad for my health
I gave it up like cigarettes or romance novels

I don't have enough time
Or insurance for these dalliances
Though I do remember them all with fondness