chills
 

Invictus,

I've been considering beginning to date, and this just gave me chills, and not in a good way.

Ladies, this was not an attempt to derail this thread, just had to respond to this post.

Greco

Invictus, I appreciate you coming in and clarifying your comment. Your examples sound like horrible behavior, whether butch or femme. It makes me twitch when a butch insists on how femmes should act, especially in a thread for femmes.

For this femme, were I dating: act like an adult and treat me like one. If the door presents itself to be held, go ahead and hold it, but don't fall over yourself for the sake of chivalry. To me, that would be contrived. I might hold the door for you, too, if it seems right. More importantly, listen well, communicate openly, and show that you care. Flowers are OK, but eye contact is even better. Don't put too many obstacles in front of actually meeting and spending real time together (vs. texting, chatting, email).

if i get to the door first (and I always get to the door before Nick because I am taller than Nick is and by extension of that walk faster) I get to open it for myself.

door opening is okay, i guess, but unnecessary. and in situations where there are two sets of doors (which there often are when entering a restaurant) the "holding the door dance" is incredibly awkward.

must I REALLY stand there inside of the first door while you scurry toward the second door to get that one as well? how incredibly tedious and time-wastey!

I don't mind car doors held for me when I am getting IN the car, but when getting out it's just obnoxious. I don't want to just sit there waiting for you to run around to my side of the car to release this poor simple bird from her four-wheeled cage. Jesus, we could be halfway to our destination if I didn't have to sit around waiting for you!

Femmes, all your answers are great and exactly what I was looking for. Thank you so much for your honesty and openness! It certainly drives home for me just how diverse all you femmes are, not that I didn't know that before, hehe. Being a good listener is something that I keep thinking about as I read the various posts, that and being respectful (both of which are a given, as far as I am concerned).

To all the non-femme-identified persons who have posted here about their wants and needs on a date: I am, as the OP, asking that you all let this thread be just for the femmes. Another thread or 2 can be started for butches and trans guys and others to say what they like on a date. I put this in the femme zone because I wanted the femmes to have the exclusive voice here.

Again, all you beautiful, amazing femmes, a big THANK YOU to you all! Please feel free to keep sharing. I am learning a lot!! :D

Please do:

Keep it casual
Be respectful
Ask questions you want ME to answer
Be honest

Please don't:

Treat me like a delicate flower
Assume you know what I like, what I want
Bring me a gift
Brag about how chivalrous you are
Not let me get the door, buy a drink
Take me to a movie or show... If this is a new dating situation I am still deciding whether this may have potential as you should be, and I don't want the bulk of the time not interacting.
Ask me a question because your really dying to tell me what you think
Don't go overboard. Someone who is trying too hard makes me feel icky and there will not be another date. Same with the gifts... I don't want to feel like I have to owe anyone.

For me, someone who is secure in themselves does not have to bring pomp and circumstance to every date. If I feel that someone is always trying too hard, it feels desperate and that is unattractive.

Obviously, I am out of the dating pool, but when I was still doggy paddling, I appreciated simple things... you can't go wrong with that.

Dear Butches,

I have to be honest. I am a very socially inept femme. I also tend to be rather shy in person, klutzy and am prone to say the stupidest things when I'm nervous. Basically, I'm a geek so I tend to act like a real dork on a first date. Or ten.

While appreciate that many Butches like to take a girl out for a fancy dinner on a first date, I'm already nervous and afraid. I'm not comfortable with formalish dinners when I'm out with someone I've known for years or years and honestly, I'd be so intimidated that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on you. So may I suggest dinners at Chez Snooty wait for later in the relationship.

I like a nice, casual dinner for a first date, where the food is good and local, and the dress is nicer than usual, but you don't have to wear heels and sparklies. That way, I can concentrate on you. Please order first, so that I can have a guideline as per finances. I will probably choose something a little less expensive than yourself. Just go with it please. If you want to order for me, that's fine, but ask me what I want first. Then you can be all suave and debonair and say "and the lady will have..." If you don't want, that's cool too.

I can't dance. I'm not kidding. I never learned to dance with another person, girls just don't do that in my culture. (No, I didn't go to prom.) If we go somewhere to dance, I'd prefer a smaller venue than a big club. I'm not big on going to movies on first dates because again, I'm there for you. Not for the latest blockbuster.

The best first dates that I've had have been totally non-traditional. One nice Butch told me to bring my camera and jacket and wear comfortable shoes. She took me to a State Park where we rode the tram to the top, and walked backed down, taking pictures, looking for wild life and flowers and talking. She provided the munchies, and the bottle water. On our next date, I took her to the Botanical Gardens, where I bought lunch at the cafe after we spent a few hours in the butterfly aviary. Sometimes it's my turn to "host" the date, and my turn to pay. Another Butch got passes to an art museum that I'd never be brave enough to go to myself. It was awesome.

I like a well dressed Butch with good hygiene, but note that well-dressed doesn't equal "lookee at all my designer duds!". Be neat, be clean, be tidy. I absolutely will NOT ever buy any clothing with a huge designer label. I don't care about Coach bags. Tommy Hilfiger puts his initials on everything. I don't wear their clothes. Or any other label that well, labells their clothing. So flashing a label is not gonna impress me. I'm a pain that way.

I'm okay with a goodnight kiss. I don't like kissing on my front porch though. Inviting you in for a bit on a first date does not mean it's time for awesome sex! It means that the date went well, I'm not ready to say goodnight yet, and while there's definately a goodnight kiss in store, I'm probably not going to want to neck on the sofa for an hour. I just don't do that.

I will generally tell my close friends and relatives that I'm going on a date and my ringer will be turned off. They will not call me unless it's an emergency. Please have the same respect for me. Be nice to the waiters and servers. Don't be stingy with the tip. Also, if I act like a real dork, please remember that I'm nervous and maybe give me another chance.

Um, I think that's all for now... I'll probably think of more to add later. I hope no-one's offended. I didn't mean to be rude, I was just giving this femme's opinion.

Who the bloody hell have you been dating???? :|

possibly someone like me. It's a good thing there's a match for everyone. Inks and I fart loudy and laugh. belch and laugh. fart on each other's legs in bed to get revenge. And when were first dating she said "oh I can't take you hand, " as I was reaching for it "I've got snot on it." and then wiped it on some grass.

But that's inki. and I love her for all of it. she's actually incredibly charming otherwise she couldn't get away with all of the above.

<--- femme that smokes, farts, belches and swears like fuck.

that's not to everyone's taste. but vive la differance and there a pepper to everyone's salt shaker.


edit to add: just an FYI, some of the girls said "be a gentleman" so I don't think there's anything wrong with a similar request from someone else. Perhaps wrong thread, but the request was not outta line, imo.

I totally agree here! And down with the "3 Day Rule"! Who comes up with that? If you want to see me again, at least text. If I want to see you again I'll be waiting. Strike while the iron is hot, I say!

Act like a lady
 

Many of us growing up had that shit drilled into our heads: girls have to wear dresses-not pants; cover your knees; sit up straight; act with decorum at all times (no laughing too loud, only lady-like giggles allowed), etc. It is a button-pusher for me, to be told to act like a lady whatever the heck that means!

Using good manners, well that is another thing. Anyone with manners doesn't belch or worse on a date with someone you are not intimately involved with already! I used to read Miss Manners regularly & know to act appropriately on a date or whatever social situation I am in.

How to be treated on a date: use human good manners (Applies to all genders); don't get drunk- more than one or two (tops) glasses of wine/beer on a date or I am going to worry you need to be in recovery. Don't whip out a joint and tell me how much you love pot (see glass of wine above) or pills, or whatever your drug if choice is.

Just common courtesy, that's all for all of us, how about that?

Because people exchange versions of their life stories on these things, i have had folks expect me to relate my sexual history to them. They casually will ask me about long term relationships etc. i can see why someone might want to know that info before they get too involved with someone, but it's not info that people are entitled to. i am so shocked when i get these questions. i deflect them semi-politely, and the sensible date will get the point.

I actually don't consider this a fluff thread. I put it in the femme zone and not the "fluffy stuff" because I do take this seriously. What femmes want is important to me, and imho, it should be to anyone who wants to date a femme.

I think for me there is a big difference between expecting someone to act like a lady, and treating that person like a lady. Good manners for me mean trying to make someone feel as comfortable as possible, and show appreciation. If I open a door for you, it is not because I don't think you are perfectly capable of doing so yourself; I do it to show my appreciation and respect. :)

I am not a lady but I can play one if needed. lol. Please just be yourself on a date. Yes, I know how to act no matter what the situation, but would rather relax and get to know you.

Please do not bring flowers on a first date. Yes I adore flowers, but they will scare me off. Wait for a couple of dates at least please. Cool is key. lol.

If you must text or use cell phone, make it quick.

Please do pull out a joint, I will be pleased as punch!

Please be clean.

A good hair cut or style is always appreciated.

I do enjoy nice manners and a smile. :) But remember I would way rather fuck in the back of a cab than be treated like your grandmother. ;)

I do enjoy shows, dinner, symphony etc, but I enjoy hanging out just as much.

As far as money? I don't care about it...I can make my own. If you think your car is too dirty, we can take mine.

Dating need not be expensive! It should be fun and easy! :)

Oh and don't play too hard to get, if you want to be gotten.

Respect me as a person, not as a Femme.

and

No games please. I bore with them easily.

(All of this applies no matter who does the asking out and paying)

i love this...:)

I'm quoting myself to elaborate... Neckin' on the sofa may well occur on later dates! It's just not a first date thing for me. ;)