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All of my support has come from the lesbian community. And that is it. Perhaps it helped that I had very strong ties in the lesbian community and they were very accepting of my husband (though I've seen what happens when I take him to lesbian events where his ID is not known, he gets frozen out). The least acceptance I have experienced is from non-lesbian women who are dating/have dated transmen. From them I have experienced everything from a refusal to understand that my lesbian identity is something to mourn, to a strongly held opinion that my lesbian identity is somehow disrespectful to my partner. I really don't understand why this is, though perhaps it is that having an ID which already involves men, they really can't relate.* A bit of empathy would be nice. *which seems fairly obvious now |
I realize this thread is focused on "Loving a Transman" in a romantic way. I do want to point out that we can love a Transman in an unromantic sexual way and this friendship love may still require a friend to go on a journey of sorts with their Transman friend.
I am a Transman. (Do not assume because I say I am a Transman that I think I am some sort of mistake or I believe myself to be the same as a cisman.) Back to loving a Transman. I have friends, that are Transmen and I care about them deeply. Because I am part of their circle, the people they share their authentic life with, I also am expected on some level to respect their choices. If I cannot respect their choices, do I leave their life? Maybe, maybe not. I have a very strong Queer identity. I go into a closet for no one. Not even myself. For me I cannot be in the closet, stealth. Does this make be a better person? IMO, No. It is my choice to be out. Now, I also have Transmen in my life that I care about and love as a fellow human being. It can and has challenged our friendship. I can and will respect their choice to be in the closet and or to leave their Queer identity, allegience behind. (Not all Transmen make that choice, some do.) I find I still can love this guy and support him but our friendship may be tried. I will hold my tongue and not speak freely if we are with his straight friends that are not privy to the truth of his past life. It is also my choice to decide do I stay in my friend's life or not. As they also choose do they keep a person such as me in their life. That's it. |
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He wanted to sever all ties with the LGBT3Q2I community as if he didn't have his birth defect all those years and he expected...nay, demanded...that I follow suit. First of all, you damn well don't DEMAND I follow in your footsteps like that and certainly not about anything that's so life changing. Secondly, you don't get to decide how the rest of anyone else's like plays out except yours. Third, no matter how I identify...and it's changed over the years...I will always be a part of this community. Luckily for Ebon, he knows and respects this. Quote:
When I first came out, I hung out at the only gay bar in the little redneck county I lived in. It had an awesome but small drag show and there was always a bevy of beautiful queens and MtF performers there. I learned their lingo and they often used 'tranny' to describe themselves and one another in jest and complete seriousness and it was a perfectly acceptable term. Maybe it was because there were a lot of gay men there and gay men are very influential. Maybe it was because that's the only terms they knew. Maybe it's because that's what they felt best suited them at that time. I'm not sure. All I knew was that that was another word to add to my expanding vocabulary. It was only when I came onto sites like this did I realize that others did not share that same or similar experience with the word. Before I realized how offensive it was to some, I felt it was like dyke...a word that could be used against our community by those outside of it for the purposes of hurting or shaming us, but that we could take it back and empower ourselves with it. Not so much, I guess. But part of what makes our community so unique is our diversity and, with that, comes differences in all aspects of our lives. Quote:
Being the partner of a transitioning person can be another coming out....or pushing in, as the case may be. A rebirth of sorts, but one we have little to no control over. For control freaks like me, it can be a scary ass thing. I remember sitting in my apartment and just curling up and crying when I was supposed to be on my way to see him. We lived about an hour and a half apart and saw each other on the weekends and odd days off during the week. I literally felt as if all my emotions had taken flight and were swirling around me, like a tornado funnel. I felt as if everything I knew was also in that funnel, just flying around me. Close enough to reach out and touch but I couldn't grasp any of it firmly. It felt like the emotional version of vertigo, like when you stand up too quickly and that momentary spacey swirly feeling, except it didn't go away after a second. It didn't stop. Not until the relationship ended. In the end, he was demanding things of me that he had no right to demand and I was too naive to know that. I felt that I was doing it wrong. I was not playing the right role in our relationship and that was somehow hurting him. I felt that I was secondary to what was happening to him and that I was a bad girlfriend for speaking in any way that could be determined to be or twisted to be negative. I felt sad. Depressed. Unworthy. Incompetent. I had given up a wonderful man when I came out. I was married to the sweetest guy and I broke his heart into a million pieces. I had built my life back up from nothing, because I took very little with me due to the shame I felt at hurting my husband. So, I had come from that mindset and I'd dated some and I was beginning to feel as if I had made the right decision and that things were going well. And then I met him. And then I was nothing. Walking away from that relationship hurt and I left a lot of myself on the floor. It really pisses me off when folks try to shame those who leave. We all leave. The butch leaves when the Transguy develops. Sometimes, the femme leaves when the butch leaves and sometimes the femme leaves when the Transguy makes his appearance. We. All. Leave. Sometimes it *is* one person's fault. Most of the time, in these relationships that don't work out, it's no one's *fault*. It just is what it is. Ebon and I have had 'leaving' discussions and have talked about all the 'if then' situations we could think of. We know that he will change as he delves deeper into his transition and, thus, I will change. But, Hell. Everyone changes. Change is the ONLY thing that is guaranteed. With medical advances and the slickness of tax evasion nowadays, death and taxes aren't always a guarantee anymore. Maybe we'll mesh more and have a stronger relationship. Maybe we'll drift apart. The one thing I am certain of is that we'll always be a part of one another's lives, no matter the capacity. |
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This is hard to tolerate. |
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I have not spent a lot of time with straight partners of transmen. Most of my experience is in the queer community and I did not have a strong lesbian identity at all. My partner is my first and only. I am sure this contributes greatly to my feeling out of place. My partner is out in all areas of his
life so the queer community is where we feel comfortable although not always welcome. I don't look for support on the straight community at all but the transphobia I experience there is more ignorance. I guess it hurts more coming from a queer person. I do find places where we are welcome and fit in so this is less of a problem now. I do feel grateful that my partner is not stealth. That would be pretty hard for me. Quote:
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What I am -not- glad about is the part where I read that some jerk actually went so far as to email her husband to talk about what a horrible giant meanie pants transphobe she is. That's inappropriate behaviour right there. Whoever did that is a jackass. Quote:
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And I've got news for you: there really is a culture of shame around our honest feelings about our partners. i've been on message boards, email lists, newsgroups, and in-person "SOFFA" groups and not once have I seen an environment where it's not okay for us to not be 100% okay. I'm not talking about transpeople creating a hostile environment for partners who have misgivings - I'm talking about us doing it to each other. Example: I am transphobic because I said that playing the "is that a new hair?" game is not a fun way to spend my time. No, it wasn't a transperson I heard that from - it was somebodies girlfriend. Because that's how it fucking works. The expectation is that we leap around excitedly. It's almost like an olympics of proving how exceptionally accepting and supportive we are. And any time that somebody doesn't do "dating a transperson" correctly everybody else gets to lift themselves up higher at their expense. |
Wow that is awful. I have not experienced that in my partner group. No one has ever said that I or anyone else was transphobic. I actually have never had anyone tell me I am transphobic. It is more an internal policing of myself. I have said stupid stuff and had it brought to my attention but always in a kind way. We had many hair discussions in my group! I never felt like it was a competition to be the best supportive girlfriend. it felt like this was the one safe space where I could speak freely and not worry about hurting someone.
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First of all, I want to apologize for posting here since it's the Femme Zone and I am not femme.
Secondly, I want to say to the guys who have posted here: do you not see that this is the femme zone and the OP started the thread here for a reason? I think we should let the femmes have their place to discuss this. Yes, I know the topic is very relevant to us transguys. However, it's not about transguys. It is about femme partners and their feelings. Let the femmes have their space. Respectfully, Drew P.S. You all can flame me now. |
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Well, the way I see it, the partners here - who are so seldomly supported as they transition with their FTM partners - might benefit from seeing that there are transmen who do realize that there's a serious communication wall. I would be the first to leave if it were made clear that our input wasn't wanted here - but I feel it speaks to the fact that some of us have grown to realize that we've been ignorant in the past to our partners transition. I didn't come in here to interrupt the conversation or take it over, but to say, this is a serious issue that I've been guilty of contributing to, but have learned to listen to. When a lot of these women are accused of being transphobic for having issues with their partner's transition, I think it helps to have transguys step up and have their backs. That's all.
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i liked the article. While she should not have used that phrase, i don't like dismissing the article for that reason or making the discussion all about that.
What she was referring to is the cheerleading that goes on -- and the expectation of it. i think that someone struggling with a partner or family member's changes should not be burdened with expectations that they have to respond positively or else be considered a bad partner or family member. They get to feel what they feel. In public, in a newspaper, yes, i would expect people to choose their words more wisely. But i get resenting the folks who expect one to only have positive feelings or feel guilty if not. A lot of that used to go on. |
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Zones
Femmes are just as guilty of stepping into butch trans zones alllllll the time I'm not sure why at this point anyone is being asked to take a backseat because of people aren't agreeing. Would we say that to ftm/butches/nonfemnes if they chose to participate? Femmes aren't the only ones who love transmen..
No one is dismissing the article her use of verbiage deems her less credible "to me", taking a back seat to hurtful verbiage shouldn't be expected regardless of what zone we're in... I wouldn't like it if someone threw racist verbiage to describe their relationship I would hope that just because it's an article or in some zone that it wouldn't get looked over... |
I think it is difficult to have dialogue about anything without varying perspectives and points of view. I always read the differently ID'd zones and I have posted in zones that were not my own identity.
That said, I do wonder if people, in general, do mind that we all, at one time or another, post in zones that we do not ID. Should we keep some spaces only for those that the zone ID's specifically, in that space? How would it even be policed? This would be a good poll, I think. |
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