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lovers come and go ~ a good friend and family r always there :) enjoy the relationships wether they last or not your inner prevails !

Late night rambles.
 

Vulnerability is my big bugaboo. When to give it, when to refrain, what's normal and what's not. I've been reading a lot on attachment styles lately and it's helped bring into focus a few things which needed attention and put words to other things I felt but was unable to name, such as the fear that with too much vulnerability, too much personal honesty, the person being allowed in will confirm your own deep down suspicions that something is fundamentally bad and unlovable about you. To even admit that I have those feelings at all makes my skin crawl. And then it's scary as hell to open yourself up to the possibility that those suspicions might be true... much easier to keep people at arm's length and never find out for sure (because what if the answer is yes?).

When your formative moments were had in an environment where the sort of personal vulnerability that's normal in any human relationship was regularly weaponized against you, then the maladaptive responses you've learned as survival instincts are very difficult to unlearn. Ignoring those instincts feels quite literally as though you're knowingly putting yourself in harm's way. To put it another way, it can be incredibly hard to calm even for a moment that wild-eyed horse you feel inside you who's getting ready to bolt at the first sign of sudden movement. Living like that, engaged in a perpetual fight or flight mode, is exhausting.

And it's hard to explain that in any meaningful way to someone who has had (by contrast) mostly secure, normative experiences in this regard without sounding at least a little crazy.

Another is really examining what it is about yourself that makes you attract exactly the kind of person you attract (as others have mentioned)... but also examining the kind of people you choose to cultivate relationships with and why. Even platonically, and for all of my life, I've tended to attract people who are essentially looking for a free therapist. I don't think that this is, in and of itself, necessarily a bad thing, but this kind of intense emotional support needs to be reciprocal. And most of my relationships just... aren't. It's a recipe for emotional burn out. As I've been trying to have a healthier relationship with stating my own needs and boundaries and attempting to open up more to the people who are important to me, it's been rather sobering to see just how quickly most of them shut down and tune out whenever I tentatively take a step forward (we're talking attention spans of 20 seconds or less). It's kind of depressing.

So in a way, one of my relationship fears is largely being realized right now, namely that as I'm actually reaching out for the first time in my life (as messy and unpracticed as it naturally is), most of the people in it do not actually care that much about me beyond the superficial and beyond what I can do for them. Ouch.

I just... I can't do that anymore. I have way too much going on in my own life to always be carrying other people's burdens without any help with my own. Even as I type this now, I have to seriously fight the urge to hit the backspace key because I hate how needy and angsty it sounds and I don't want to be "one of those people" (whoever "those people" are), but fuck it. Something about insanity being doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result, you know?

And so now the fear is, what happens when you stop being someone's emotional beast of burden and who even are you as a friend or a partner (especially as a woman and a Femme) when you're no longer placing yourself in that role? Do you even have more to offer? When you define yourself by how much weight you can carry, what then happens when the day comes that you drop it?

Lots of heavy questions...

Relationship fears?

I have no fears because I am happier single.

Every tiny bit of my trust was used up years ago. I am okay with all that now and okay having made the choice to stay single the rest of my life.

For me, this is a good deal and so uncomplicated.
I love my quiet life with my dogs. :)

Brilliant post. I've been asking myself exactly the same questions.

Rejection

Ruining the relationship like my past ones have been before

Being the only one to do the work...

My biggest fear in relationships is not being able to comfort/help my partner when they need it, not being able to make them feel safe. Sure I'm scared of being cheated on or having my heart broken just like everyone else but that one is the worst.

Not being able to adapt to what she needs

My family scaring her off, that's a huge one! I have judgy mcjudger pants in the family!

That all my "little worries" are more than the past trying to sabatage my future...

That new and shiny will wear off.

~
 

the "new" does wear off ~ hence the inevitable ~ the shiny keeps on shining ~ with a look , a sexy grin , just the way u look ~

~
 

so beautifully said ((((( dee & mel )))))))

My relationship fears came true and I didn't have to wait long. Best to know now. Small thing called trust and being safe. Lets not forget about my 3 little simple rules that are easy for me to follow.

The new and shiny hasn't worn off in 25 years. I consider myself very lucky. We find something new and amazing about one another daily.
Went through two marriages ~10 years each before finding my true other half.
If you haven't found her/him, keep looking. They're out there.

When we were young her mother told mine how upset she was because her daughter had no friends. So my mom volunteered my services - would it really kill me to be nice to her? I don't know, with any luck. Well it almost got me arrested and she was hauled off to jail. Only then did my mother believe it was as bad as I said it was and no I probably shouldn't be forced to be her “friend” anymore.

Years later I got involved with a woman, kept getting the feeling I knew her from someplace but couldn't place where. She denied it. Well turns out she was that girl, all grown up and living with me because I didn't recognize her, but she knew me! She was like a vicious little psycho Chucky doll come to life when we were young, and decades later even more evil. It was like she had time to perfect her craft.

So one of my worries, concerns it that something like that will happen again. And I'd rather be single, single and celibite even for the rest of my life, than ever have anything like that happen to me again. I would like to be in a relationship but only if it's a healthy one, and that might take some work. And, well the older I get the lazier I am. I mean that's not a flattering thing to admit but it's true.

This has been a reoccurring theme in my relationships. so I get it.

My main one is still my family, very judgy, no one is good enough for me deal.

I admit i have shut down. I dont feel like getting invested in a relationship anymore. One month, 3years, 20 years. Nothing lasts. It is only a matter of time before it ends. Or you have to be highly tolerant.

Not saying this is this way for everyone. Kudos to those who have found a way to make it work. It is just no longer a thing for me. Relationships that is

Relationships are difficult, they require much work and maintenance. Longterm ones tend to get a little easier as you get to know one another's reactions and idiosyncrasies, but like a garden has to tended daily or it will cease to be what you imagined when starting. Both my Partner and I work at our relationship continually, which is how we stayed together and in love for 25 years (in 2 mos). Also, we reinvent or tweak it every now and again. We make minor adjustments, but it has always remained D/s and strong.

New Beginnings
 

Not having the communication I deserve.

Mixed signals... Idk how to take them or decipher them.

~~
I don't believe I have any actual fears of another relationship, HOWEVER I'll never forget the feel of abandonment!

Trust... I don't trust anyone as far as I can throw them.

People switch up fast.

Can't argue with that one

You got that right..........:hangloose:

General response:

maybe mistrust is the original problem...who wants to put themselves out there for someone who has a wall of mistrust around them...you better be an incredible, desirable human being for anyone to make that major effort to get through/over that wall...and what the hell makes you think you are.

Trust
 

Many many years ago, a mentor told me that trust is earned. What do you think?

hi charley..i agree but also disagree...earned, means waiting for that person to score positive points, but, how can they score if they don't know what you value or your unspoken needs (besides the obvious)? Besides that nobody can
be good enough long enough to maintain your high standard..because if you've gone to the trouble of having a standard it's probably set fairly high..And, if you are so worried about someone earning trust..this means you are more worried about your needs being met..to be so focused doesn't leave much room to consider what the other person may need or want...why not enjoy each other's company and give them the benefit of the doubt?..don't go too deep too soon..find things you enjoy together and discover if you share the same concerns..etc..if you like her, build something together...just some of my thoughts

I have known many people who adhere to this "rule of thumb". It is not for everyone though. I like to lead with trust in the beginning, because I accept a person unconditionally. However, I also follow this "rule of thumb".... actions speak louder than words...as well as, the whole golden rule: do unto others as you would have done to you. People will you show what they value...and who they value.. mainly by their actions. The golden rule also does not subscribe to one religion/faith/or belief, but followed by all. I am the kind of person who matches energy.. No two people will ever see the same side of me. Again, because i will treat them the way they treat me.

Now, if the break that trust... (where their words do not match their actions, or their stories are hard to follow... ) then it is good luck earning that trust back. Only a few people have been able to do that, and those people have been in my life for many years. For me, it weeds out those who want to be put on a pedestal and be worshiped versus those who want to talk next to me and have a mutual respect of being equals.

Please know.. this is merely my opinion and I am not saying my way is the right/only way.

I want to caveat that unconditionally part. Some people think that means unconditionally means they get an unconditional amount of times of repeating the same mistakes. That isn't true.. this is where the protection of me comes into play.. boundaries and limits.. it does not mean unconditional forgiveness.

In my life before moving to where I am now, in the town that I grew up, people trusted one another until/unless that person gave a reason to withdraw trust. A little fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It's a bit like that saying, but I come from a place where people tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Quick to help a neighbor, would stay up all night if that's what it took to prime a neighbor's water pump or help get someone's furnace heating their home. We bring laundry in when it begins to rain, turn off car lights left on.

We don't allow ourselves or those we care about to be tricked or fooled, and not too many mess with our communities as they know the neighbors try to keep an eye one another knowing what's up.

Charley, if this doesn't demonstrate trust, I'm not sure what would.

I'm not sure Charley but the one thing I DO know, once it has been broken, it's a hell of a job giving it back!

Just reading a few posts..
 

I see trust and helping each other out come up alot. When my finances are compromised you gotta go faster than you came. Just got back to work after 9 months off from a serious surgery. Took my credit card number home with her. She timed it so withdraws were made on valentines day. Yeah hundreds of dollars. Someone in here I trusted. Had her in my home.Thought she was going to be my forever girl. Scared to take that chance again.

Thank you for reading my troubles.

s

How despicable especially to take advantage of someone while they are down and recovering from a serious illness! So sorry this happened rustedrims.

Relationship fears
 

I don't really fear but I am now much more aware. My last relationship was around two years. We decided to put things on an equal page. I had never put someone elses name on my property or vice versa except my 22 yr relat.) Anyway I woke up one morning and my "partner" was gone. Totally moved out. I was asleep in the living room. I got a note to pay up over $10,000 of bills we had accumulated as she was suppose to be paying them off with our joint account. Well, NOT. It took a good chunk of my bank account to pay it all off which I did right away as this can ruin your borrowing power. I have recouped most of that money and am back where I was but I will never ever do that again. She sent an email telling me I was an inconsiderate person and she could not stay with me. OMG. I guess I forgot to put down my coat the last time it rained and she had to cross a puddle.

"OMG. I guess I forgot to put down my coat the last time it rained and she had to cross a puddle."

LOL

"OMG. I guess I forgot to put down my coat the last time it rained and she had to cross a puddle."


.....:giggle:.....

Relationship fears
 

I usually do anything I can to be a gentlewoman moe but I guess for some femmes it is not enough. Some like bad boys, well hell, I can do that too. LOL

Perhaps that old saying is right, nice guys finish last!?