Andrew aka my thread mate in the abuse threads all over!

OMG you see? There is a majority of us who feel like your post here. Maybe a lot are Too embarrassed to really express it as bravely and strait forward as you did. Sometimes you voice things for some people who CANNOT.

THAT is what makes us love you so much. You have never failed to be at our sides when we have needed someone. I hope you trust me here and believe me when I say that you ARE THE CLIQUE. We have travelled these roads, some of us, for sooo many years now... over three sites and we have always been there for each other in the face of exclusion feelings. IF like 99% of us posting in support and abuse threads feel similar to you w this issue.... if 99% of us are looking at each other thinking it is "me" that "they" dont want around...

Well see that proves we the majority ARE the actual "CLIQUE" if there was one. I dont care or want to know at this point. I dont think the one or two that are hurtful to you should be given the "status" of being the cool crowd if you really feel shunned by them... Majority rules and I am always going to be here for you my friend. No matter what site I talk to you on. Our support doesn't end no matter what IS or ISN'T going on behind anyone back. I hope you understand me here friend.

I truly believe no ill intent was meant towards you. Pm me and we can compare my notes. But I dont blame you for thinking it.... from what I hear most of us thought "it's me".

*BIG HUGS!!!

Dfly

Huge Smile!

I will back later to post individually! But thank you each and every one for making me smile this morning! We really do walk very similar roads!

Happy Friday!

Vent! I like that :)

My parents were Southern Baptist Missionaries, so I have issues with religion and God as a celestial dude...but I am working through this and finding my own type of spirituality I can handle.

I went to 14 different schools from kindergartden to 12th grade....yes I have spent a lot of time wanting to be invisible. I pretend I am a lot of the time.

I had a horrible time learning to take a compliment until my Mamaw told me to always just say "thank you" that it was good manners and thats what matters. But I don't always believe the compliments and good manners are not all that matters.

Thank you so much for sharing and being here for us!

The outdoors and our dogs and cats give me peace too!

Tha k you so much for being here, sharing and telling us we matter! :)

Yes, yes and Yes! Especially clean enough.

We really do share many of the same thoughts. :)

I thought "it's me".

Really until I read the thread this morning! :cheer: and now I know that we all feel the same way.

So glad the thread is back on track!

My PTSD is in full swing. I am just taking some time out from sharing. I am not delusional or have multiple personalities. This is for me, and my boundaries.

Thanks everyone.

Love to all,
Andrew

:sparklyheart:

It has never crossed my mind that you did!

Enjoy your time off and feel better! Spring is almost here.

Hello hello!!!

Just popping in to say hi and let you all know I was thinking of you! I pray that all of us here have a wonderful PTSD-free week!(f)

See ya here!

Shug

:waitinggirl:

Hey there Shug! Son far so good on my week, I hope yours is great too!

Hey, I was wondering if anyone would be interested in doing something for the raffle at the reunion?

What do you all think? Maybe something we find helpful for relaxing on a spun out day, that might be helpful to anyone?

Oh if only I could tell everyone here how many times I've looked in the mirror and said to Myself "your ugly, your unworthy, your worthless, you don't deserve a damn thing so why would you even think that you do?" etc. I look at people in general on a daily basis and want to live vicariously through them, and with many people around Me I tend to do just that. I see friends and family with good solid careers, cars, houses, marriages, anything that a person could ever want and then I look at Myself ......... no career (not even a job), overweight, still living at home at almost 30 yrs old, nothing to My name but some material possessions, a male trapped in a female's body etc and it simply disgusts Me.

I never wanted to be visible when I was younger, but unfotunately being overweight I was always visible (and not in a good way). My peers constantly put Me down for being fat; they would call Me names (hippo, elephant etc), stomp their feet or shake lockers when I walked by like I was gonna cause an earthquake, knocked My books out of My hands, threw things at Me in class when the teachers were gone, just anything to make My life a living hell. And then there is My father, and we could be here forever discussing his negative impact on My life from age 13 until this very day ............

He constantly calls Me a lazy ass, making sure that I know he thinks I'm worthless and wont ever amount to a hill of beans. My depression/panic/anxiety attacks he figures are My excuse to sit at home and do nothing (which isn't true, since he has no idea what its like), its his way or the highway ~ don't like what he says (and because its HIS place and HE pays the bills etc) there is the door dont let it hit your ass on the way out. I'm constantly having to justify Myself to him; whatever I do he has to know about and says he wants to know about My day, but all he wants to do is criticize Me for what I have (or haven't) done.

This is My vent/rant for the day, thanks for listening and I'm glad that we all have this space here for this very purpose (and to know that we all support one another because we know what others are going through) :thumbsup:

Andrew, if you get to read this just know that I count you as oe of My closest friends and I admire you for always speaking your mind no matter what :)

I certainly speak My mind the way Andrew often does, only because I'm always so worried about what others may say or how they may react ........ I gotta work on that!!!!

I remember going from school to school alot when I was younger and wanting to be invisible so no one would see Me, but with being overweight unfortunately I was seen too much and it just made My teenage years horrible ............ I still try and be invisible because its what I'm used to and its like a blanket, its My shield and I feel most comfortable being like a "ghost"

Sending you a big huge hug, Braedon
 

One of my most favorite & treasured item I have is a cross-stiched framed saying just the word "FAITH" that my oldest niece did. It is gorgeous.


:dogwalking:

And I send one right back to you hun :gimmehug:

I have many ideas for this already Shug, so now I just have to pick one (or maybe make a couple or even three to go together) :)

I have a cross-stitch book with all sorts of little sayings like that here, maybe I should look through it and see what I can find? :thumbsup:

Good morning fellow PTSDers. :)


I totally get this. I have always been overweight too and was always the new kid being teased as a kid. I also am AS so I don't even "get" a lot of the jokes.

My father said the same things to me. That I was worthless, that I would never amount to anything.....ad nauseum.

30 was my watershed year. I hated my life and started to make teeny improvements. To this day when I feel like I have not accomplished enough in my life, I make myself decide that as long as I have made any improvement I am doing great. Even if it is making a list or a phone call I need to.

One of the best things I ever did was get away from my father. I was finally strong enough at 35. I wrote him a letter about how it made me want to die when he did not treat me with respect and that unless he could do that I was gone. I never saw him again. Before that, I kept thinking it was me somehow and that if I could act right, he would change.

I am on meds now and they do make me even more overweight than I used to be, but I have reached a certain peace with that. So damn what? I am fat. My father and grandmother would always tell me I was "bigger than a barn" or to not wear red cause I "looked like a barn", all for my own good of course...not sure what the barn fixation was about either?

I feel like a ghost sometimes too, especially if for some reason my meds are interrupted or intercepted...like right now, I spent a couple of weeks on steroids for ashtma and my mind is not right.

I refuse to have anything to do with anyone who is not positive. Not at work, not at home, not in my friendships.

I want you to know that you are not alone and that things can get better. That every day is a new fresh start. You can be who you want to be.


Yeay! I think I Will make a great relaxation CD and get some grown up coloring books and colored pencils. When I am spun out this always helps. Would you like to spearhead the project?? :)

I think that would be wonderful! Grin!

I hope everyone has a good day and that we each do one positive thing for ourselves today.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Did you let them come back?

I will be turning 30 later on this month and I have also found that this seems to be My watershed year. Coming out as being FTM has helped Me alot with really beginning to see Myself in a whole nother light. I've often started writing My dad a letter, wanting to tell him how I feel but I've always chickened out right near the beginning and it ends up getting thrown out. Maybe this will be the year, that I will finally be able to let all of My emotions go and be able to tell him how I truly feel. Maybe ..........

Most of My adult life has been filled with people who are negative in some aspect or another, and I am trying to weed through that because I can tell that its affecting Me overall. I've noticed that I have been in a happier mood lately, maybe because I feel now that with starting to come out as being a guy and with so far having a fairly positive response to it overall its just been making Me really happy about My life. I am being more of who I want to be now, and its been doing wonders for My self-esteem and My confidence :)

I looked through one cross-stitch book this morning and found three different patterns that I am going to use to make three separate projects to send down as part of our basket ~ pretty awesome I must say :dance2:

Thats a great idea Andrew. I know that with living at home, stuff I would normally put out to bring My comfort and joy I wouldn't here (mostly because I don't wanna have to explain Myself to My father when he gets nosy). I'm looking at possibly moving out into My own place this summer ....... I desperately need My own space, and I think that its about time I did something for Myself :)

Have you thought about keeping the letters just for you. Writing the letters helps you, even if you don't ever give one to your father.

If you do give him a letter, maybe waiting till after you move would be a safe option? So you don't have to live in "his" house when he reads it. I know in my case, I could never had done it if I was dependant on my father for anything.

Yeay on the crosstitch!

Sending positive thoughts for a smooth move to your own place very soon!


It is like a fire drill isn't it? Full alert. Fight or Flight.

Thinking about you and hoping your week is good.

My dear Jet,

Fires do burn out eventually...hang in there my friend...when i lived in florida the summer of 1998 there were many wild fires which threatened us....my county had to evacuate and the firemen stayed to safe our town....one day 3 fire walls..merged into one and were head towards a subdivision of homes which they were already trying to protect....all they could do was take a fire blanket and cover themselves for protection...praise Jesus...they all survived...the LORD....is your fire blanket sweet Jet....use HIM to cover you from this wall of fire....

I'm having a symptom-y week. It's nice out which helps, but memories running around in my head, hypervigilant and in very fight or flight mode.

Earlier I hear someone calling my name, no one around...which creeps me out to no end. My therapist says as long as I know no one is there and I am just hearing voices, not believing in them its OK.....but still....Creepy.

Apocalipstic,

The person who showed up at my door unannounced (no call, emails, etc.) I kicked her out. Never to return - thank God above. The only problem is the constant gossip that continues on. Do you remember the game we used to play as kids called "telephone"? It is like that.

As for the hearing your name called - it is a part of what is called learning/auditory processing delay. Some folks actually wear hearing aids for help with this. It isn't tinnitus, it is something totally different.


:ohm:

On the gossip, I like to think that at least I am being talked about and not forgotten. :) People who know you know its crap..and yes, it is totally like Telephone. I am finally getting to the point I care not!

I need to look up that auditory processing delay, never heard of it. Thank you.

I just read about it and have for a while been thinking about getting a hearing aid, even though my hearing tests normal.

I have to ask people to repeat over and over what they are saying. I have almost every symptom listed in the articles, except I read very well and have ease with languages except spelling and typos (but that is because I go too fast and can't see the spellcheck thingie, unless I go back and edit.)

I wish people had known about this stuff when I was a kid. Seriously.
They just thought I was not applying myself. It makes me angry.

What the artcles I read did not mention is hearing voices. Is this a part of it?

Hi everyone!

So good to see you out and posting today! This is my first stop when I come in here...I look forward to it...watching us, share, learn, help, support, nurture, vent and all that we do...I feel more at home here than anywhere else...I post in others, but this has become my home thread, if you will....

As for the basket, that is so fabulous that you all are thinking about contributing...no gift too small, homemade is so special, I'm thinking of adding a jewelry set I've made as well as the pampering stuff...It sounds cool to me...

Apocalipstic, I hope you meant that comment for me about heaading up this basket donation cuz I am willing and ready and able...(I am already thinking of other things to add...)lol...

Andrew, hi brother! I missed you...Jet, glad to see you sharing again...Princess4U snaps to you, you're awesome! Braedon, I thank you for the hug back....I love hugs...Ima hug everybody when I see you (if/when) I see you at the reunion if y'all make it...

Apocalipstic, thanks for your thread and an opportunity to voice, vent, rant, encourage, respond and share here...you done good...(hope that doesn't sound condescending...)

Love, hugs and many blessings to you all--(f)
Little Shug


:aslIloveyou:

It could be auditory hallucinations, which can be a symptom of the PTSD.
There are specific treatments for auditory hallucinations and hopefully your therapist can help you.

http://i110.photobucket.com/albums/n...milies/hug.gif

I sympathize with the auditory hallucination issue...
However...
I can safely say, you're gonna have a helluva ride finding decent hearing aids, especially if you hear quite alright, Unless u manage to get medical clearance {your psychologist/psychiatrist, for example, could recommend or prescribe a low dB hearing aid, inner ear type}
I'm profoundly Deaf, and I have a really...fucked up dandy time getting medical/insurance approval for 1, every 4 years :readfineprint: [ they happily talk about cochlear implant, but that's a different issue, different thread ]

I do wish you good luck, if they say that'll help you.:clover:

I am so glad that this person has not stepped foot in your house again Andrew, you certainly dont need that kind of person in your life :thumbsup:

I wanted to highlight that one part of your post hun because I am getting to this point as well, its taken Me awhile but better late than never :)

I feel this way all the time Andrew, glad to know I'm not alone!!!

I would love to go but due to finances, I don't see that happening however if I could go I would be very disappointed if I didn't get a hug :D

(((((((((((((Shug)))))))))))) If we could both make it I look forward to a hug, and I'm glad your honey is okay with it :)

Andrew.. Do you still have contact with this person?

Actually, that is a question I often wonder... Do people keep their abusers in their life.. and if so.. why?

*Not just idle curiousity... I just go the other way.. I handle things by dissociation *

No seizures. Just voices. :)

I did mean you! :lips:
and thank you!

We are working on it. I was having visual hallucinations too and those have mostly stopped for now.

I am hoping it is just part of my PTSD,
If it keep happening I will ask for more testing. Thank you :)

I hate inhalers or anything speedy. I hope today you feel way better!
yeay for chamomile! :)


I am 46 and just now learning not to care. :)

Before I did separate myself from my father, I did not understand that I was strong enough to walk away. I stayed out of fear and some weird sense of duty.

Abusers are often manipulative, so many probably do not know why they stay.


Does he treat her like he does you?

I can somewhat understand that..

For me... I shut down.. I distance myself... The more *broke* I feel, the more *fragile* I am.. The more distant and cold I become.. Instinctive self protection.. If I can't feel anything, then nothing can hurt me.. Memories have no sway, words have no meaning... nothing touches me... For me.. sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it's a bad thing... If I shut down too hard, too fast, it can take months for me to be able to feel anything again..

But for me... Not feeling is better than crazy time...

My experience has been pretty similar. We all develop different coping mechanisms and for me distancing works. Even as a kid, when I had no choice but to ge where I was (or kill myself ,someone else or run away) I buried myself in books and music and art. I escaped.

Today in therapy we discussed how this inertia...this inability to act has actually served me well.

I am not dead or in jail.

*Nods*......

Alive and not in jail is a very good thing...